this sucks and im very sorry for you, and her really. for her to be feeling this way, something is eating at her.
this is not a slight on woman at all, ive just noticed a trend with sitiuations like this.
i was with my ex-wife for 12 years, lived together for 11 , and married for almost 7. a friend of mine is going through a rough patch with his wife, of 8 years but they have been together for 12 years. idk. seems kinda odd.
anyway, this may sound really off and really stupid. but maybe do something really nice, and out of nowhere for her. this will accomplish 2 things. one, you are doing something nice and unexpected for her. and two, you will be able to gauge her reaction to said nice thing, as to see how she reacts to it. that will then give you some insight into where she is at headspace wise. works for me.
other then that, i agree, if you can get her to go talk to someone that would be great.
good luck my friend.
somtimes we as humans just go through something. as of last tuesday, my gf told me she wasnt happy, and didnt want to be in a serious relationship for 8 years at age 24. (4 with her ex and going on 3 with me ) but after two days, everything is going great. she is stressed out about money, me being out of work right now, and other things. but we had a great weekend, and now im about 80% sure she dont want to bail, that she was just in a funk.
again, good luck.
i hope all turns out well for you and you're family.
Peace, Love.
"To question your government is not unpatriotic --
to not question your government is unpatriotic."
-- Sen. Chuck Hagel
I had a really tough day yesterday. Sorry for the long post -but it felt good to type this out.
I am posting here looking for some insight. I find that here - there is an anonymous group of people who will give me honest feedback from different perspectives.
My wife and I have been together now for 12 years, married for 8. We have 3 children (5, 3 and 4 months old).
We have been through everything that young couples usualy face (adjusting to one another, money troubles, family troubles etc.) and always come out on top.
Last December as a result of hard work over the past 8 years I was finally given an amazing job opportunity. One where our financial troubles would go away, where there was endless possibilities (if I did a good job) for the future.
I discussed it with my wife, because it would mean much more responsibilty, longer hours and a longer commute. In the end - we thought I shouldn't turn it down and I went for it.
Part of this new job is that I am on the "crisis team" - in fact I am the leader of this team. If anything happens in the hotel (I manage a very large hotel) I have to be there. In the first 6 months I have been called 2 times (one of these calls I will outline below).
On Friday - I had a vasectomy and was out of commission for the entire weekend. My work knew that if anything came up that weekend - I coldn't come in. On Saturday night there was a apparent suicide. I received this call at 3am. By 3:30 I had informed everyone of what to do (by phone) and communicated with my boss - The Vice President. I asked them to call me as soon as everything was completed. At 6am, I got the second phone call that all was clear and everyone was going home.
This is where it all went to shit.
I was kicked out of bed, because my cell phone kept going off. I didn't think much of it - she was tired and needed some sleep. I limped (vasectomy) to the guest bedroom and slept for a couple more hours. I was kind of pissed but not going to make a case of it.
In the morning she refuses to speak with me. Won't even look at me. This went on all day. I spent the day playing with the kids and she sequestered herself to our bedroom.
2pm, she appears and says to our 5 an 3 year old "let's go to the movie's". When I ask "what about me", she said - "you stay with the baby". My five year old asks me "Daddy - why aren't you coming"? I responded by saying - it's easier for me to stay with the baby, because the movie theatre might scare her. My wife chimes in (in front of the 5 and 3 year old) "No, Daddy can come, we just don't want him". Now I am mad. I found that really mean.
At the end of the day - after the movies and after the kids are in bed she talks to me:
She is permanently kicking me out of our room. She doesn't want to feel like she is on call 24 hours.
She is unhappy being married to someone who has to work so hard.
She is mad that I can't get home in time for soccer and other activities. (With traffic - sometimes it can take 1.5 hours to get home. Even if I left right at 5pm - 6:30 is the earliest).
She is sick of explaining to the kids that I am not going to be home for dinner with them. (The kids eat dinner at 5pm).
She thinks we need to split up for awhile!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When I offered to move closer to my work - she said no, she doesn't want to uproot the kids.
When I offered to quit my job and find something with less responsibility - she said no She couldn't live with that guilt.
When I offered to go to counselling - she said no.
When I asked how splitting up makes sense and have me gone permanently - when her complaint is that I am not there enough in the first place and she doesn't want to upset the kids about moving, but she is willing to upset them by kicking me out - her answer was that "at least we wouldn't expect you".
She refused to talk to me any further and I slept in the guestroom.
None of this adds up to me. After 12 years and 3 kids - why suggest leaving and give me no opportunity to turn this around? We both knew the implications of this new job. Why stay quiet and supportive for 6 months and all of the sudden decide to leave me?
I'm sorry this was so long. I just need a little perspective.
excuse me for my frankness but she is a freakin' c---
It sounds like Postpartum depression to me. My wife had it with our first son.
She was terribly overwhelmed and lashed out about things out of our control. We were put on medication that worked, but in the end we regretted that.
When we got pregnant with our daughter it was hell on earth breaking the addiction to the pills.
Our daughter was born and the PPD did not return.
I would agree with someone on this board who suggested that NONE of us can really help you, but there are people who can.
Seeing a doctor for real medical help, or a counselor is integral. She seems unwilling to do this, but given the alternative I can't see any other way.
Just wondering what is your routine when you get home from work ... do you go off to get changed ... anything like that?
If so may be just coming home and straight away asking her how her day has been is there anything she needs you to do to help with the kids ... or just playing with them ... helping with bathtime ... anything to give her a chance to relax for a little while after a busy tiring day with the kids?
I know you discussed your job being a change in the last few months but coinciding with the addition of baby number three may be it's left more tired, frazzled than she was expecting and feeling (not saying this is the case) she is doing everything for the kids. if it is ppd may be it is all feeling a little too much, as others have said looking into whether it is ppd I would think would be the first port of call
EDIT: i don't know if that came across quite how I meant it too
So are we strangers now? Like rock and roll and the radio?
Found myself reading this thread. Relationships are obviously as unique as the people in them. I can't imagine having anything like advice, but wanted to convey my best wishes and offer some empathy. I'm glad to see the last few posts have started to take into account the children involved, and the things she said to you in front of them. One way or another, your kids are as much a part of this as she is or you are. It might help to think not just in terms of you, and her, but what might be best for them. Not saying I have *any* idea what that might be of course :-) But it might open you up to different ideas or options to start thinking about what they might need from you or from her. Putting the children first is pretty often the best approach to tackling any family tension.
Found myself reading this thread. Relationships are obviously as unique as the people in them. I can't imagine having anything like advice, but wanted to convey my best wishes and offer some empathy. I'm glad to see the last few posts have started to take into account the children involved, and the things she said to you in front of them. One way or another, your kids are as much a part of this as she is or you are. It might help to think not just in terms of you, and her, but what might be best for them. Not saying I have *any* idea what that might be of course :-) But it might open you up to different ideas or options to start thinking about what they might need from you or from her. Putting the children first is pretty often the best approach to tackling any family tension.
Just wondering what is your routine when you get home from work ... do you go off to get changed ... anything like that?
If so may be just coming home and straight away asking her how her day has been is there anything she needs you to do to help with the kids ... or just playing with them ... helping with bathtime ... anything to give her a chance to relax for a little while after a busy tiring day with the kids?
I know you discussed your job being a change in the last few months but coinciding with the addition of baby number three may be it's left more tired, frazzled than she was expecting and feeling (not saying this is the case) she is doing everything for the kids. if it is ppd may be it is all feeling a little too much
Good questions.
When I get home - it is a little chaotic. I am tired after a long drive in Traffic. The kids are tired and the baby is in the process of being put down. I usually jump on Bath duty and get the other two ready for bed and either let them play for a bit, or read them a story. After about 8 we usually have all 3 kids down and that's when I make myself a quick dinner.
It's hard in this routine with kids - because after they go to bed - you can't go out. Once we get the house back in order, we spend a few hours together before bed.
Recently I did two things to help this:
1. I bought a Wii and a Wii fit - thinking that with us being tied to the home - at least we could have some fun. Worked out well we usually play this for a bit most nights.
2. I also installed a screen door on our porch so we can sit out there and still hear the kids inside if something is wrong.
I'm not going to discuss our sex life - that is not the issue.
You know, you might even want to contact her OB/GYN about this unusual behavior. If it is PPD or something similar, her OB would likely want to know what's going on and he/she might already have a clue that something is happening. I know that, in the beginning, I would cry to my OB during post-partum doctor visits (I had quite a few because of a complication with my c-section) but then dry my tears and act like everything was fine when I got home.
For a lot of women, it's really hard to admit that they are overwhelmed or feeling depressed in a way that is related to their new baby. As a result, it's easier to direct the bad feelings towards the people around you.
wow...i am so sorry to read this. i only read your first post, so forgive me if it's been covered. as a long-married and also thru some truly difficult times....and also once close to calling it quits, i empathize.
you have a LOT on your plate. so does your wife. obviously all of this has been building up and festering. she just dumped all this on you in an instant and is a lot to process. she probably has been thinking about it a long time and sadly let it build and build. you offer all excellent suggestions. for right now, i suggest just go along with sleeping in the guestroom, give her some space/time to mull over your suggestions even tho she initially rejected them all. be the good man you are, spend time with your kids, just keep on keeping on. then, ask her to set aside a time to have a real heart-to-heart. she may try to resist, but just calmly say at the very least you want to understand and that you both owe it to each other to discuss it all calmly. once again, make your suggestions. really listen to her. try and have her listen to you. REALLY suggest counseling! again and again! let her see how truly sincere and dedicated you are to staying a copuple and a family. it may or may not work. it will be a hard rowad even if it does work...it will be devasting if it doesn't...but the only person you can change is yourself. if she ultimately wants to walk away, there's not much, if anything., you can do to change that.
i truly wish you the very BEST...and i hope you can salvage your marriage and your family-life...the most precious of gifts.
I have to say I think you are way out of line posting something like this in this thread.
The OP is obviously going through something and needs some support. It's not something to joke about.
Sorry not joking... I think he might be in trouble and his wife is setting him up for divorce. She is already using the kids against him. I feel sorry for the guy and I offer him my sympathy. It's time for him to build his war chest just in case. I hope they can work things out.
BTW: Take careful note of how your wife is acting. Is she wearing more makeup than usual? Working out?
Sorry not joking... I think he might be in trouble and his wife is setting him up for divorce. She is already using the kids against him. I feel sorry for the guy and I offer him my sympathy. It's time for him to build his war chest just in case. I hope they can work things out.
BTW: Take careful note of how your wife is acting. Is she wearing more makeup than usual? Working out?
Honestly - there is no way this could be an affair. My wife (Bless her) has the two kids kids enrolled in Swimming, Jazz, Tap, Ballet, Gymnastics, Soccer, and Cooking (for kids). She simply has no time - and while I continue to tell her she is overwhelming herself, the kids love it and she seems happy doing it.
Your comments about "war Chest" and prepping myself are appreciated. If I told this story to my Dad - he would say the exact same thing. I'm a smart guy - and I know what I need to do if I am faced with a battle. I'm not there yet
My entire point here is that my Wife is a wonderful person and I need help "Understanding" this.
Honestly - there is no way this could be an affair. My wife (Bless her) has the two kids kids enrolled in Swimming, Jazz, Tap, Ballet, Gymnastics, Soccer, and Cooking (for kids). She simply has no time - and while I continue to tell her she is overwhelming herself, the kids love it and she seems happy doing it.
Your comments about "war Chest" and prepping myself are appreciated. If I told this story to my Dad - he would say the exact same thing. I'm a smart guy - and I know what I need to do if I am faced with a battle. I'm not there yet
My entire point here is that my Wife is a wonderful person and I need help "Understanding" this.
Good to hear this. I am glad that things can work out. Here is the woman's point of view:
A) Wife Agrees to your work arrangement Wife no longer has hubby around. Feels lonely.
C) Wife feels detached from hubby's life and distant. Like he's a visitor not husband.
D) Wife is now paying the price of her agreement. Doesn't feel obligated anymore. Makes up excuses in her head of how bad it is. (IE Geez I gotta stay home and watch the kids all the time while hubby is enjoying his work life)
E) Wife is now jealous of husband and treats him like visitor to make a point.
F) Wife see's hubby now paying more attention to work than her and is getting more jealous
G) Circle of life goes on...
My opinion is that it's not about the phone call or the job or whatever excuse she mentioned.
A relationship does not go from 100% to "I want out" overnight and without a reason on her part. I'm not blaming either one of you for anything in any way , but I am saying something might have set her wheels turning in this direction some time ago. Women (I'm a woman) tend to think things through before they clue men in. In other words, I can't imagine she is doing/saying this impuslively and without any forethought.
You offered to go to counseling. Did she give you a reason that she did not want to go to counseling? I didn't notice if you mentioned that, but I feel like you deserve a reason for her not wanting to go. It takes two to fix it, if it needs fixing, and if you are offering to go to counseling, that is better than a lot of people would do. It takes a big person to want to sit down and talk about how to change things, if it needs changing.
I think maybe you can let things cool off a few days and collect your own thoughts and how you want to approach this. Then maybe have a sit-down with her and see what's going on. I would definitely pursue the counseling thing.
Be sure to use your "I" statements...things like "I feel..." or "I think..." and avoid things like "you aren't talking to me". The "you" statement automatically puts anyone on the defensive. "I" statements tell someone how you think or feel, then you are taking ownership of your feelings. That type of approach is hard to discount. If that makes any sense.
My opinion is that it's not about the phone call or the job or whatever excuse she mentioned.
A relationship does not go from 100% to "I want out" overnight and without a reason on her part. I'm not blaming either one of you for anything in any way , but I am saying something might have set her wheels turning in this direction some time ago. Women (I'm a woman) tend to think things through before they clue men in. In other words, I can't imagine she is doing/saying this impuslively and without any forethought.
You offered to go to counseling. Did she give you a reason that she did not want to go to counseling? I didn't notice if you mentioned that, but I feel like you deserve a reason for her not wanting to go. It takes two to fix it, if it needs fixing, and if you are offering to go to counseling, that is better than a lot of people would do. It takes a big person to want to sit down and talk about how to change things, if it needs changing.
I think maybe you can let things cool off a few days and collect your own thoughts and how you want to approach this. Then maybe have a sit-down with her and see what's going on. I would definitely pursue the counseling thing.
Be sure to use your "I" statements...things like "I feel..." or "I think..." and avoid things like "you aren't talking to me". The "you" statement automatically puts anyone on the defensive. "I" statements tell someone how you think or feel, then you are taking ownership of your feelings. That type of approach is hard to discount. If that makes any sense.
Best of luck.
excellent post.
i also 100% agree with every word. i did try to say something similar earlier, but as per usual, someone else - this time you - said it much more succicntly/concisely.
and to reiterate, for emphasis... I would definitely pursue the counseling thing.
Honestly - there is no way this could be an affair. My wife (Bless her) has the two kids kids enrolled in Swimming, Jazz, Tap, Ballet, Gymnastics, Soccer, and Cooking (for kids). She simply has no time - and while I continue to tell her she is overwhelming herself, the kids love it and she seems happy doing it.
Your comments about "war Chest" and prepping myself are appreciated. If I told this story to my Dad - he would say the exact same thing. I'm a smart guy - and I know what I need to do if I am faced with a battle. I'm not there yet
My entire point here is that my Wife is a wonderful person and I need help "Understanding" this.
You sound like a fairly intelligent fella and you are not letting your emotions
get the better of you, I applaud you for that. I know of a lot of other
husbands that would just say - fuck it, I am out of here.
You need to explore all angles and possible reasons for her sudden change
of mental state and I truly believe you are doing just that. All's I can
say is continue to be there for her and your kids, support her with what
she is going through and eventually, hopefully, she will open up to you about what exactly is going on with her.
we're all sentient snowflakes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm a number that doesn't count
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
the nothing ventured - the nothing feigned
I know it is hard for others to understand. She is a great person.
The title of the thread is intentional: "Help me understdand" not "help me insult"
sorry wasn't trying to just be insulting - i mean isn't my reasoning as plausible as every one else's? I mean why can't she just be that without it being post-partum or something like that. i mean on the face of it her behavior is pretty shitty. what would you think if the same thing occured to someone that wasn't you. would you try to come up with some bs possibly made up health reason or would just consider her to be something like what I said?
How was I joking??? Trust me, from the story he gave, it really sounded really bad with no hope in sight. That was sound advice I gave. Even the OP agreed his own dad would give the same advice.
sorry wasn't trying to just be insulting - i mean isn't my reasoning as plausible as every one else's? I mean why can't she just be that without it being post-partum or something like that. i mean on the face of it her behavior is pretty shitty. what would you think if the same thing occured to someone that wasn't you. would you try to come up with some bs possibly made up health reason or would just consider her to be something like what I said?
well maybe because this isn't normal behavior for her. if she was always like this that would be one thing. but she did just have a baby not too long ago. so it is extremely logical that she has PPD.
No need to be void, or save up on life...
You got to spend it all
sorry wasn't trying to just be insulting - i mean isn't my reasoning as plausible as every one else's? I mean why can't she just be that without it being post-partum or something like that. i mean on the face of it her behavior is pretty shitty. what would you think if the same thing occured to someone that wasn't you. would you try to come up with some bs possibly made up health reason or would just consider her to be something like what I said?
considering that it seems that everything was good up till the job change and new baby, id say its not a " BS possiable made up health reason".
the change in the job and a newborn is a lot for her to deal with.
so the PPD is very much plausible. imo.
Peace, Love.
"To question your government is not unpatriotic --
to not question your government is unpatriotic."
-- Sen. Chuck Hagel
How was I joking??? Trust me, from the story he gave, it really sounded really bad with no hope in sight. That was sound advice I gave. Even the OP agreed his own dad would give the same advice.
anyone who could hear that story and say it sounds like there is no hope in sight, ..............well, i just dont think it would take much to drive you out of a relationship.
people go through and survive much worse things than this in relationships and all turns out good. so that you can look at it and say "no hope in sight" says it all i think.
Peace, Love.
"To question your government is not unpatriotic --
to not question your government is unpatriotic."
-- Sen. Chuck Hagel
I had a really tough day yesterday. Sorry for the long post -but it felt good to type this out.
I am posting here looking for some insight. I find that here - there is an anonymous group of people who will give me honest feedback from different perspectives.
My wife and I have been together now for 12 years, married for 8. We have 3 children (5, 3 and 4 months old).
We have been through everything that young couples usualy face (adjusting to one another, money troubles, family troubles etc.) and always come out on top.
Last December as a result of hard work over the past 8 years I was finally given an amazing job opportunity. One where our financial troubles would go away, where there was endless possibilities (if I did a good job) for the future.
I discussed it with my wife, because it would mean much more responsibilty, longer hours and a longer commute. In the end - we thought I shouldn't turn it down and I went for it.
Part of this new job is that I am on the "crisis team" - in fact I am the leader of this team. If anything happens in the hotel (I manage a very large hotel) I have to be there. In the first 6 months I have been called 2 times (one of these calls I will outline below).
On Friday - I had a vasectomy and was out of commission for the entire weekend. My work knew that if anything came up that weekend - I coldn't come in. On Saturday night there was a apparent suicide. I received this call at 3am. By 3:30 I had informed everyone of what to do (by phone) and communicated with my boss - The Vice President. I asked them to call me as soon as everything was completed. At 6am, I got the second phone call that all was clear and everyone was going home.
This is where it all went to shit.
I was kicked out of bed, because my cell phone kept going off. I didn't think much of it - she was tired and needed some sleep. I limped (vasectomy) to the guest bedroom and slept for a couple more hours. I was kind of pissed but not going to make a case of it.
In the morning she refuses to speak with me. Won't even look at me. This went on all day. I spent the day playing with the kids and she sequestered herself to our bedroom.
2pm, she appears and says to our 5 an 3 year old "let's go to the movie's". When I ask "what about me", she said - "you stay with the baby". My five year old asks me "Daddy - why aren't you coming"? I responded by saying - it's easier for me to stay with the baby, because the movie theatre might scare her. My wife chimes in (in front of the 5 and 3 year old) "No, Daddy can come, we just don't want him". Now I am mad. I found that really mean.
At the end of the day - after the movies and after the kids are in bed she talks to me:
She is permanently kicking me out of our room. She doesn't want to feel like she is on call 24 hours.
She is unhappy being married to someone who has to work so hard.
She is mad that I can't get home in time for soccer and other activities. (With traffic - sometimes it can take 1.5 hours to get home. Even if I left right at 5pm - 6:30 is the earliest).
She is sick of explaining to the kids that I am not going to be home for dinner with them. (The kids eat dinner at 5pm).
She thinks we need to split up for awhile!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When I offered to move closer to my work - she said no, she doesn't want to uproot the kids.
When I offered to quit my job and find something with less responsibility - she said no She couldn't live with that guilt.
When I offered to go to counselling - she said no.
When I asked how splitting up makes sense and have me gone permanently - when her complaint is that I am not there enough in the first place and she doesn't want to upset the kids about moving, but she is willing to upset them by kicking me out - her answer was that "at least we wouldn't expect you".
She refused to talk to me any further and I slept in the guestroom.
None of this adds up to me. After 12 years and 3 kids - why suggest leaving and give me no opportunity to turn this around? We both knew the implications of this new job. Why stay quiet and supportive for 6 months and all of the sudden decide to leave me?
I'm sorry this was so long. I just need a little perspective.
is she a fulltime carer of the children??
the only thing i can think of is that she may be jealous/angry that you have a life outside the children, while she doesnt. Being responsible of children 24/7 must be hard, and does she get much time to herself??
sounds like she's been uphappy for quite some time now.
sorry to hear about your troubles.
counseling sounds like it would be the best option.
you have too much to lose after 12 years.
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the only thing i can think of is that she may be jealous/angry that you have a life outside the children, while she doesnt. Being responsible of children 24/7 must be hard, and does she get much time to herself??
miskin! i thought you were gone! :eek: good to see you!
and i agree with what you said about maybe not getting enough time to herself. being responsible for just about everything and not getting time for yourself can wear anyone out.
No need to be void, or save up on life...
You got to spend it all
Comments
this is not a slight on woman at all, ive just noticed a trend with sitiuations like this.
i was with my ex-wife for 12 years, lived together for 11 , and married for almost 7. a friend of mine is going through a rough patch with his wife, of 8 years but they have been together for 12 years. idk. seems kinda odd.
anyway, this may sound really off and really stupid. but maybe do something really nice, and out of nowhere for her. this will accomplish 2 things. one, you are doing something nice and unexpected for her. and two, you will be able to gauge her reaction to said nice thing, as to see how she reacts to it. that will then give you some insight into where she is at headspace wise. works for me.
other then that, i agree, if you can get her to go talk to someone that would be great.
good luck my friend.
somtimes we as humans just go through something. as of last tuesday, my gf told me she wasnt happy, and didnt want to be in a serious relationship for 8 years at age 24. (4 with her ex and going on 3 with me ) but after two days, everything is going great. she is stressed out about money, me being out of work right now, and other things. but we had a great weekend, and now im about 80% sure she dont want to bail, that she was just in a funk.
again, good luck.
i hope all turns out well for you and you're family.
"To question your government is not unpatriotic --
to not question your government is unpatriotic."
-- Sen. Chuck Hagel
excuse me for my frankness but she is a freakin' c---
wow, waaaay fucking uncalled for.
really. why bother replying if that is all you had to contribute.
what an ass.
"To question your government is not unpatriotic --
to not question your government is unpatriotic."
-- Sen. Chuck Hagel
The title of the thread is intentional: "Help me understdand" not "help me insult"
She was terribly overwhelmed and lashed out about things out of our control. We were put on medication that worked, but in the end we regretted that.
When we got pregnant with our daughter it was hell on earth breaking the addiction to the pills.
Our daughter was born and the PPD did not return.
I would agree with someone on this board who suggested that NONE of us can really help you, but there are people who can.
Seeing a doctor for real medical help, or a counselor is integral. She seems unwilling to do this, but given the alternative I can't see any other way.
I would force that issue.
If so may be just coming home and straight away asking her how her day has been is there anything she needs you to do to help with the kids ... or just playing with them ... helping with bathtime ... anything to give her a chance to relax for a little while after a busy tiring day with the kids?
I know you discussed your job being a change in the last few months but coinciding with the addition of baby number three may be it's left more tired, frazzled than she was expecting and feeling (not saying this is the case) she is doing everything for the kids. if it is ppd may be it is all feeling a little too much, as others have said looking into whether it is ppd I would think would be the first port of call
EDIT: i don't know if that came across quite how I meant it too
Found myself reading this thread. Relationships are obviously as unique as the people in them. I can't imagine having anything like advice, but wanted to convey my best wishes and offer some empathy. I'm glad to see the last few posts have started to take into account the children involved, and the things she said to you in front of them. One way or another, your kids are as much a part of this as she is or you are. It might help to think not just in terms of you, and her, but what might be best for them. Not saying I have *any* idea what that might be of course :-) But it might open you up to different ideas or options to start thinking about what they might need from you or from her. Putting the children first is pretty often the best approach to tackling any family tension.
Good luck!
Well said.
When I get home - it is a little chaotic. I am tired after a long drive in Traffic. The kids are tired and the baby is in the process of being put down. I usually jump on Bath duty and get the other two ready for bed and either let them play for a bit, or read them a story. After about 8 we usually have all 3 kids down and that's when I make myself a quick dinner.
It's hard in this routine with kids - because after they go to bed - you can't go out. Once we get the house back in order, we spend a few hours together before bed.
Recently I did two things to help this:
1. I bought a Wii and a Wii fit - thinking that with us being tied to the home - at least we could have some fun. Worked out well we usually play this for a bit most nights.
2. I also installed a screen door on our porch so we can sit out there and still hear the kids inside if something is wrong.
I'm not going to discuss our sex life - that is not the issue.
For a lot of women, it's really hard to admit that they are overwhelmed or feeling depressed in a way that is related to their new baby. As a result, it's easier to direct the bad feelings towards the people around you.
START HIDING MONEY NOW!!!!
For all you people thinking of marriage... Please visit: http://www.nomarriage.com
Thank you
wow...i am so sorry to read this. i only read your first post, so forgive me if it's been covered. as a long-married and also thru some truly difficult times....and also once close to calling it quits, i empathize.
you have a LOT on your plate. so does your wife. obviously all of this has been building up and festering. she just dumped all this on you in an instant and is a lot to process. she probably has been thinking about it a long time and sadly let it build and build. you offer all excellent suggestions. for right now, i suggest just go along with sleeping in the guestroom, give her some space/time to mull over your suggestions even tho she initially rejected them all. be the good man you are, spend time with your kids, just keep on keeping on. then, ask her to set aside a time to have a real heart-to-heart. she may try to resist, but just calmly say at the very least you want to understand and that you both owe it to each other to discuss it all calmly. once again, make your suggestions. really listen to her. try and have her listen to you. REALLY suggest counseling! again and again! let her see how truly sincere and dedicated you are to staying a copuple and a family. it may or may not work. it will be a hard rowad even if it does work...it will be devasting if it doesn't...but the only person you can change is yourself. if she ultimately wants to walk away, there's not much, if anything., you can do to change that.
i truly wish you the very BEST...and i hope you can salvage your marriage and your family-life...the most precious of gifts.
Let's just breathe...
I am myself like you somehow
I have to say I think you are way out of line posting something like this in this thread.
The OP is obviously going through something and needs some support. It's not something to joke about.
Sorry not joking... I think he might be in trouble and his wife is setting him up for divorce. She is already using the kids against him. I feel sorry for the guy and I offer him my sympathy. It's time for him to build his war chest just in case. I hope they can work things out.
BTW: Take careful note of how your wife is acting. Is she wearing more makeup than usual? Working out?
Your comments about "war Chest" and prepping myself are appreciated. If I told this story to my Dad - he would say the exact same thing. I'm a smart guy - and I know what I need to do if I am faced with a battle. I'm not there yet
My entire point here is that my Wife is a wonderful person and I need help "Understanding" this.
Good to hear this. I am glad that things can work out. Here is the woman's point of view:
A) Wife Agrees to your work arrangement
C) Wife feels detached from hubby's life and distant. Like he's a visitor not husband.
D) Wife is now paying the price of her agreement. Doesn't feel obligated anymore. Makes up excuses in her head of how bad it is. (IE Geez I gotta stay home and watch the kids all the time while hubby is enjoying his work life)
E) Wife is now jealous of husband and treats him like visitor to make a point.
F) Wife see's hubby now paying more attention to work than her and is getting more jealous
G) Circle of life goes on...
A relationship does not go from 100% to "I want out" overnight and without a reason on her part. I'm not blaming either one of you for anything in any way
You offered to go to counseling. Did she give you a reason that she did not want to go to counseling? I didn't notice if you mentioned that, but I feel like you deserve a reason for her not wanting to go. It takes two to fix it, if it needs fixing, and if you are offering to go to counseling, that is better than a lot of people would do. It takes a big person to want to sit down and talk about how to change things, if it needs changing.
I think maybe you can let things cool off a few days and collect your own thoughts and how you want to approach this. Then maybe have a sit-down with her and see what's going on. I would definitely pursue the counseling thing.
Be sure to use your "I" statements...things like "I feel..." or "I think..." and avoid things like "you aren't talking to me". The "you" statement automatically puts anyone on the defensive. "I" statements tell someone how you think or feel, then you are taking ownership of your feelings. That type of approach is hard to discount. If that makes any sense.
Best of luck.
excellent post.
i also 100% agree with every word. i did try to say something similar earlier, but as per usual, someone else - this time you - said it much more succicntly/concisely.
and to reiterate, for emphasis...
I would definitely pursue the counseling thing.
TRULY!
Let's just breathe...
I am myself like you somehow
You sound like a fairly intelligent fella and you are not letting your emotions
get the better of you, I applaud you for that. I know of a lot of other
husbands that would just say - fuck it, I am out of here.
You need to explore all angles and possible reasons for her sudden change
of mental state and I truly believe you are doing just that. All's I can
say is continue to be there for her and your kids, support her with what
she is going through and eventually, hopefully, she will open up to you about what exactly is going on with her.
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I'm a number that doesn't count
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the nothing ventured - the nothing feigned
i agree.
"To question your government is not unpatriotic --
to not question your government is unpatriotic."
-- Sen. Chuck Hagel
sorry wasn't trying to just be insulting - i mean isn't my reasoning as plausible as every one else's? I mean why can't she just be that without it being post-partum or something like that. i mean on the face of it her behavior is pretty shitty. what would you think if the same thing occured to someone that wasn't you. would you try to come up with some bs possibly made up health reason or would just consider her to be something like what I said?
Thank you all. I am really glad I posted here today - there has been some great insight and I truly appreciate your time.
I am going home early today and I have arranged to take tomorrow off.
Hopefully something good will happen.
How was I joking??? Trust me, from the story he gave, it really sounded really bad with no hope in sight. That was sound advice I gave. Even the OP agreed his own dad would give the same advice.
well maybe because this isn't normal behavior for her. if she was always like this that would be one thing. but she did just have a baby not too long ago. so it is extremely logical that she has PPD.
You got to spend it all
the change in the job and a newborn is a lot for her to deal with.
so the PPD is very much plausible. imo.
"To question your government is not unpatriotic --
to not question your government is unpatriotic."
-- Sen. Chuck Hagel
anyone who could hear that story and say it sounds like there is no hope in sight, ..............well, i just dont think it would take much to drive you out of a relationship.
people go through and survive much worse things than this in relationships and all turns out good. so that you can look at it and say "no hope in sight" says it all i think.
"To question your government is not unpatriotic --
to not question your government is unpatriotic."
-- Sen. Chuck Hagel
is she a fulltime carer of the children??
the only thing i can think of is that she may be jealous/angry that you have a life outside the children, while she doesnt. Being responsible of children 24/7 must be hard, and does she get much time to herself??
sorry to hear about your troubles.
counseling sounds like it would be the best option.
you have too much to lose after 12 years.
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You don't know what you're talking about.
miskin! i thought you were gone! :eek:
and i agree with what you said about maybe not getting enough time to herself. being responsible for just about everything and not getting time for yourself can wear anyone out.
You got to spend it all