Help me Understand my wife

Heineken Helen

MrMerkinball wrote:

I am just scared

I'm sorry

truth is though none of us here can diagnose her... I really think you should visit a doctor ASAP. These things can spiral out of control.

Does she have good moments anymore? Perhaps talk to her then and tell her that?

chopitdown

MrMerkinball wrote:

I know this sounds "cliche" - But I am certain it is not an affair. It just wouldn't be possible given what she does in a day.

I appreciate you all. You have been kind. I am happy to see that not one person has said anything mean about her. She is a wonderful person and is obviously going through something.

I am just scared

does she feel like she has access to you like your job does? It very well may be ppd, but maybe with you being gone more she feels more neglected even though you are doing what the 2 of you thought was best for your marriage? You obviously know what makes her tick, try planning something for her where there is no phone, no kids, just you guys and no way that anyone but her can get to you. Or just try some of the little things that you can do to let her know she's much more important than work...and if that doesn't work, slip her an antidepressant in some brownies you make and see if that makes a difference j/k

Heineken Helen

MrMerkinball wrote:

VERY interesting perspective

Well you only hurt the ones you love, don't you? That's why siblings and spouses often have really big arguments... cos they know from previous experience that eventually it will be forgotten about. At the time you don't think it could be a step too far. This is a kinda subconscious thing. If it IS some kinda depression, she's punishing the one person that she knows will forgive her (these are VERY SUBconscious though )

MrMerkinball

Heineken Helen wrote:

I'm sorry

truth is though none of us here can diagnose her... I really think you should visit a doctor ASAP. These things can spiral out of control.

Does she have good moments anymore? Perhaps talk to her then and tell her that?

She has great moments. This is out of nowhere. Last weekend we had a wonderfull long weekend (I took 2 extra days off work) and we went to a beautiful resort. Honestly - something clicked when I got that phone call from work. Perhaps I will go see someone

Heineken Helen

MrMerkinball wrote:

She has great moments. This is out of nowhere. Last weekend we had a wonderfull long weekend (I took 2 extra days off work) and we went to a beautiful resort. Honestly - something clicked when I got that phone call from work. Perhaps I will go see someone

Please do We can give you all the advice we want... but a professional will KNOW what they're talking about

Or on her great moments... bring it up... but DELICATELY! Don't make it seem like you think something's wrong with her or that she's being irrational. Say how much more important she and the kids are to you than any job and you're afraid of losing them. TELL her to tell you what she wants you to do. Don't ask (cos some women can be of the viewpoint 'well if you DON'T KNOW... it's not worth fighting for' or something)

just tina

it definitely sounds like there is an underlying issue on her part... the ones listed can be worked out.

there is absolutely no excuse for her answer to your kids about not wanting you there. you never never NEVER put the kids in it like that, no matter WHAT the issues are.

HushBull

Doesnt like the view wrote:

you never never NEVER put the kids in it like that, no matter WHAT the issues are.

I still hate my father for that kind of stuff.

just tina

can't blame you, hush.

AmentsChick

OH man! What a frustrating situation. I'm sorry to hear that. I admit I have never been married so I can't really say I relate. It sounds like she is being irrational and downright cruel.

I've always had the opinion that parents (and a 'couple') are a team. She absolutely NEVER EVER EVER should've patronized you, ESPECIALLY in front of the kids.

I guess I just don't understand why she isn't willing to talk and work out these issues with you. If you're not home enough, the logical answer would be for you to:

1) change jobs
or
2) move


After thinking about your predicament, I suppose I have no helpful or ground-breaking advice to give you. I *HATE* when wives are terrible to their hubbies (i.e. Everybody Loves Raymond)...and of course vice versa.

I do truly hope things work themselves out. Keep us posted!

libragirl

I'm sorry, I wouldn't even know what to tell you. All I know is relationships and especially marriage is very hard at times.

I hope you and your wife can talk things out.

the wolf

this sucks and im very sorry for you, and her really. for her to be feeling this way, something is eating at her.

this is not a slight on woman at all, ive just noticed a trend with sitiuations like this.

i was with my ex-wife for 12 years, lived together for 11 , and married for almost 7. a friend of mine is going through a rough patch with his wife, of 8 years but they have been together for 12 years. idk. seems kinda odd.

anyway, this may sound really off and really stupid. but maybe do something really nice, and out of nowhere for her. this will accomplish 2 things. one, you are doing something nice and unexpected for her. and two, you will be able to gauge her reaction to said nice thing, as to see how she reacts to it. that will then give you some insight into where she is at headspace wise. works for me.

other then that, i agree, if you can get her to go talk to someone that would be great.

good luck my friend.

somtimes we as humans just go through something. as of last tuesday, my gf told me she wasnt happy, and didnt want to be in a serious relationship for 8 years at age 24. (4 with her ex and going on 3 with me ) but after two days, everything is going great. she is stressed out about money, me being out of work right now, and other things. but we had a great weekend, and now im about 80% sure she dont want to bail, that she was just in a funk.

again, good luck.
i hope all turns out well for you and you're family.

pjhawks

MrMerkinball wrote:

I had a really tough day yesterday. Sorry for the long post -but it felt good to type this out.

I am posting here looking for some insight. I find that here - there is an anonymous group of people who will give me honest feedback from different perspectives.

My wife and I have been together now for 12 years, married for 8. We have 3 children (5, 3 and 4 months old).

We have been through everything that young couples usualy face (adjusting to one another, money troubles, family troubles etc.) and always come out on top.

Last December as a result of hard work over the past 8 years I was finally given an amazing job opportunity. One where our financial troubles would go away, where there was endless possibilities (if I did a good job) for the future.

I discussed it with my wife, because it would mean much more responsibilty, longer hours and a longer commute. In the end - we thought I shouldn't turn it down and I went for it.

Part of this new job is that I am on the "crisis team" - in fact I am the leader of this team. If anything happens in the hotel (I manage a very large hotel) I have to be there. In the first 6 months I have been called 2 times (one of these calls I will outline below).

On Friday - I had a vasectomy and was out of commission for the entire weekend. My work knew that if anything came up that weekend - I coldn't come in. On Saturday night there was a apparent suicide. I received this call at 3am. By 3:30 I had informed everyone of what to do (by phone) and communicated with my boss - The Vice President. I asked them to call me as soon as everything was completed. At 6am, I got the second phone call that all was clear and everyone was going home.

This is where it all went to shit.

I was kicked out of bed, because my cell phone kept going off. I didn't think much of it - she was tired and needed some sleep. I limped (vasectomy) to the guest bedroom and slept for a couple more hours. I was kind of pissed but not going to make a case of it.

In the morning she refuses to speak with me. Won't even look at me. This went on all day. I spent the day playing with the kids and she sequestered herself to our bedroom.

2pm, she appears and says to our 5 an 3 year old "let's go to the movie's". When I ask "what about me", she said - "you stay with the baby". My five year old asks me "Daddy - why aren't you coming"? I responded by saying - it's easier for me to stay with the baby, because the movie theatre might scare her. My wife chimes in (in front of the 5 and 3 year old) "No, Daddy can come, we just don't want him". Now I am mad. I found that really mean.

At the end of the day - after the movies and after the kids are in bed she talks to me:

She is permanently kicking me out of our room. She doesn't want to feel like she is on call 24 hours.

She is unhappy being married to someone who has to work so hard.

She is mad that I can't get home in time for soccer and other activities. (With traffic - sometimes it can take 1.5 hours to get home. Even if I left right at 5pm - 6:30 is the earliest).

She is sick of explaining to the kids that I am not going to be home for dinner with them. (The kids eat dinner at 5pm).

She thinks we need to split up for awhile!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When I offered to move closer to my work - she said no, she doesn't want to uproot the kids.

When I offered to quit my job and find something with less responsibility - she said no She couldn't live with that guilt.

When I offered to go to counselling - she said no.

When I asked how splitting up makes sense and have me gone permanently - when her complaint is that I am not there enough in the first place and she doesn't want to upset the kids about moving, but she is willing to upset them by kicking me out - her answer was that "at least we wouldn't expect you".

She refused to talk to me any further and I slept in the guestroom.

None of this adds up to me. After 12 years and 3 kids - why suggest leaving and give me no opportunity to turn this around? We both knew the implications of this new job. Why stay quiet and supportive for 6 months and all of the sudden decide to leave me?

I'm sorry this was so long. I just need a little perspective.

excuse me for my frankness but she is a freakin' c---

the wolf

pjhawks wrote:

excuse me for my frankness but she is a freakin' c---

wow, waaaay fucking uncalled for.

really. why bother replying if that is all you had to contribute.

what an ass.

MrMerkinball

pjhawks wrote:

excuse me for my frankness but she is a freakin' c---

I know it is hard for others to understand. She is a great person.

The title of the thread is intentional: "Help me understdand" not "help me insult"

Wilds

It sounds like Postpartum depression to me. My wife had it with our first son.

She was terribly overwhelmed and lashed out about things out of our control. We were put on medication that worked, but in the end we regretted that.

When we got pregnant with our daughter it was hell on earth breaking the addiction to the pills.

Our daughter was born and the PPD did not return.

I would agree with someone on this board who suggested that NONE of us can really help you, but there are people who can.

Seeing a doctor for real medical help, or a counselor is integral. She seems unwilling to do this, but given the alternative I can't see any other way.

I would force that issue.

chime

Just wondering what is your routine when you get home from work ... do you go off to get changed ... anything like that?

If so may be just coming home and straight away asking her how her day has been is there anything she needs you to do to help with the kids ... or just playing with them ... helping with bathtime ... anything to give her a chance to relax for a little while after a busy tiring day with the kids?

I know you discussed your job being a change in the last few months but coinciding with the addition of baby number three may be it's left more tired, frazzled than she was expecting and feeling (not saying this is the case) she is doing everything for the kids. if it is ppd may be it is all feeling a little too much, as others have said looking into whether it is ppd I would think would be the first port of call

EDIT: i don't know if that came across quite how I meant it too

IDgotI

Hi.

Found myself reading this thread. Relationships are obviously as unique as the people in them. I can't imagine having anything like advice, but wanted to convey my best wishes and offer some empathy. I'm glad to see the last few posts have started to take into account the children involved, and the things she said to you in front of them. One way or another, your kids are as much a part of this as she is or you are. It might help to think not just in terms of you, and her, but what might be best for them. Not saying I have *any* idea what that might be of course :-) But it might open you up to different ideas or options to start thinking about what they might need from you or from her. Putting the children first is pretty often the best approach to tackling any family tension.

Good luck!

Rygar

IDgotI wrote:

Hi.

Found myself reading this thread. Relationships are obviously as unique as the people in them. I can't imagine having anything like advice, but wanted to convey my best wishes and offer some empathy. I'm glad to see the last few posts have started to take into account the children involved, and the things she said to you in front of them. One way or another, your kids are as much a part of this as she is or you are. It might help to think not just in terms of you, and her, but what might be best for them. Not saying I have *any* idea what that might be of course :-) But it might open you up to different ideas or options to start thinking about what they might need from you or from her. Putting the children first is pretty often the best approach to tackling any family tension.

Good luck!

Well said.

MrMerkinball

Chime wrote:

Just wondering what is your routine when you get home from work ... do you go off to get changed ... anything like that?

If so may be just coming home and straight away asking her how her day has been is there anything she needs you to do to help with the kids ... or just playing with them ... helping with bathtime ... anything to give her a chance to relax for a little while after a busy tiring day with the kids?

I know you discussed your job being a change in the last few months but coinciding with the addition of baby number three may be it's left more tired, frazzled than she was expecting and feeling (not saying this is the case) she is doing everything for the kids. if it is ppd may be it is all feeling a little too much

Good questions.

When I get home - it is a little chaotic. I am tired after a long drive in Traffic. The kids are tired and the baby is in the process of being put down. I usually jump on Bath duty and get the other two ready for bed and either let them play for a bit, or read them a story. After about 8 we usually have all 3 kids down and that's when I make myself a quick dinner.

It's hard in this routine with kids - because after they go to bed - you can't go out. Once we get the house back in order, we spend a few hours together before bed.

Recently I did two things to help this:

1. I bought a Wii and a Wii fit - thinking that with us being tied to the home - at least we could have some fun. Worked out well we usually play this for a bit most nights.

2. I also installed a screen door on our porch so we can sit out there and still hear the kids inside if something is wrong.

I'm not going to discuss our sex life - that is not the issue.

Brain of J.Lo

You know, you might even want to contact her OB/GYN about this unusual behavior. If it is PPD or something similar, her OB would likely want to know what's going on and he/she might already have a clue that something is happening. I know that, in the beginning, I would cry to my OB during post-partum doctor visits (I had quite a few because of a complication with my c-section) but then dry my tears and act like everything was fine when I got home.

For a lot of women, it's really hard to admit that they are overwhelmed or feeling depressed in a way that is related to their new baby. As a result, it's easier to direct the bad feelings towards the people around you.