Help me Understand my wife

MrMerkinball

I had a really tough day yesterday. Sorry for the long post -but it felt good to type this out.

I am posting here looking for some insight. I find that here - there is an anonymous group of people who will give me honest feedback from different perspectives.

My wife and I have been together now for 12 years, married for 8. We have 3 children (5, 3 and 4 months old).

We have been through everything that young couples usualy face (adjusting to one another, money troubles, family troubles etc.) and always come out on top.

Last December as a result of hard work over the past 8 years I was finally given an amazing job opportunity. One where our financial troubles would go away, where there was endless possibilities (if I did a good job) for the future.

I discussed it with my wife, because it would mean much more responsibilty, longer hours and a longer commute. In the end - we thought I shouldn't turn it down and I went for it.

Part of this new job is that I am on the "crisis team" - in fact I am the leader of this team. If anything happens in the hotel (I manage a very large hotel) I have to be there. In the first 6 months I have been called 2 times (one of these calls I will outline below).

On Friday - I had a vasectomy and was out of commission for the entire weekend. My work knew that if anything came up that weekend - I coldn't come in. On Saturday night there was a apparent suicide. I received this call at 3am. By 3:30 I had informed everyone of what to do (by phone) and communicated with my boss - The Vice President. I asked them to call me as soon as everything was completed. At 6am, I got the second phone call that all was clear and everyone was going home.

This is where it all went to shit.

I was kicked out of bed, because my cell phone kept going off. I didn't think much of it - she was tired and needed some sleep. I limped (vasectomy) to the guest bedroom and slept for a couple more hours. I was kind of pissed but not going to make a case of it.

In the morning she refuses to speak with me. Won't even look at me. This went on all day. I spent the day playing with the kids and she sequestered herself to our bedroom.

2pm, she appears and says to our 5 an 3 year old "let's go to the movie's". When I ask "what about me", she said - "you stay with the baby". My five year old asks me "Daddy - why aren't you coming"? I responded by saying - it's easier for me to stay with the baby, because the movie theatre might scare her. My wife chimes in (in front of the 5 and 3 year old) "No, Daddy can come, we just don't want him". Now I am mad. I found that really mean.

At the end of the day - after the movies and after the kids are in bed she talks to me:

She is permanently kicking me out of our room. She doesn't want to feel like she is on call 24 hours.

She is unhappy being married to someone who has to work so hard.

She is mad that I can't get home in time for soccer and other activities. (With traffic - sometimes it can take 1.5 hours to get home. Even if I left right at 5pm - 6:30 is the earliest).

She is sick of explaining to the kids that I am not going to be home for dinner with them. (The kids eat dinner at 5pm).

She thinks we need to split up for awhile!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When I offered to move closer to my work - she said no, she doesn't want to uproot the kids.

When I offered to quit my job and find something with less responsibility - she said no She couldn't live with that guilt.

When I offered to go to counselling - she said no.

When I asked how splitting up makes sense and have me gone permanently - when her complaint is that I am not there enough in the first place and she doesn't want to upset the kids about moving, but she is willing to upset them by kicking me out - her answer was that "at least we wouldn't expect you".

She refused to talk to me any further and I slept in the guestroom.

None of this adds up to me. After 12 years and 3 kids - why suggest leaving and give me no opportunity to turn this around? We both knew the implications of this new job. Why stay quiet and supportive for 6 months and all of the sudden decide to leave me?

I'm sorry this was so long. I just need a little perspective.

HushBull

I don't have too too much insight on it all. My guess though would be, the issue is with her, not you. I would suspect she might be needing to tell you something as well. Atleast she could explain things further to really make sense of it all. Either it will all blow over and you will be able to reach a solution... or something else is up, something bigger than just what is detailed above in your post.

Rygar

Good luck.

DeLukin

That really sucks. It may be as simple as she is feeling the pinch of you not being around enough for her and the kids but it also might be something else. It's tough knowing what the between work/life should be. My advice would be to look at your marriage from outside of it. Take the job out of the equation - honestly and objectively, is your marriage as solid as you think it is? Maybe from your perspective, but what about from hers? Talk to her about it, there may be issues bigger than the job balance thing that need to be fixed (or not).

People definitely change and in any long-term relationship you sometimes have to re-discover the person you're in it with. I've been married for 13 years now and my wife isn't the same person that I married. She's stronger, more confident and more ambitious and I've found myself having to get to know her all over again. Had I not made that effort and made some changes to myself in the process, our relationship would have been toast.

Objectivity and communication, I've found, are the keys to keeping long term relationships going. Good luck.

ladygooddiva

it sounds like birthdepression ...i think so ...this has nothing to do with you ..

TrixieCat

I agree with lady godiva...sounds like post partem (sp?) depression to me. It is often difficult to see the other person's point of view regarding work or homelife.
You need to convince her to go to counseling and you need to figure out something to allow you to spend more time with your family.
Thinking you are doing the best for your family and actually doing it are 2 seperate things.
I am not excusing her behavior at all...but you both are in this together.

Brain of J.Lo

MrMerkinball wrote:

I had a really tough day yesterday. Sorry for the long post -but it felt good to type this out.

I am posting here looking for some insight. I find that here - there is an anonymous group of people who will give me honest feedback from different perspectives.

My wife and I have been together now for 12 years, married for 8. We have 3 children (5, 3 and 4 months old).

We have been through everything that young couples usualy face (adjusting to one another, money troubles, family troubles etc.) and always come out on top.

Last December as a result of hard work over the past 8 years I was finally given an amazing job opportunity. One where our financial troubles would go away, where there was endless possibilities (if I did a good job) for the future.

I discussed it with my wife, because it would mean much more responsibilty, longer hours and a longer commute. In the end - we thought I shouldn't turn it down and I went for it.

Part of this new job is that I am on the "crisis team" - in fact I am the leader of this team. If anything happens in the hotel (I manage a very large hotel) I have to be there. In the first 6 months I have been called 2 times (one of these calls I will outline below).

On Friday - I had a vasectomy and was out of commission for the entire weekend. My work knew that if anything came up that weekend - I coldn't come in. On Saturday night there was a apparent suicide. I received this call at 3am. By 3:30 I had informed everyone of what to do (by phone) and communicated with my boss - The Vice President. I asked them to call me as soon as everything was completed. At 6am, I got the second phone call that all was clear and everyone was going home.

This is where it all went to shit.

I was kicked out of bed, because my cell phone kept going off. I didn't think much of it - she was tired and needed some sleep. I limped (vasectomy) to the guest bedroom and slept for a couple more hours. I was kind of pissed but not going to make a case of it.

In the morning she refuses to speak with me. Won't even look at me. This went on all day. I spent the day playing with the kids and she sequestered herself to our bedroom.

2pm, she appears and says to our 5 an 3 year old "let's go to the movie's". When I ask "what about me", she said - "you stay with the baby". My five year old asks me "Daddy - why aren't you coming"? I responded by saying - it's easier for me to stay with the baby, because the movie theatre might scare her. My wife chimes in (in front of the 5 and 3 year old) "No, Daddy can come, we just don't want him". Now I am mad. I found that really mean.

At the end of the day - after the movies and after the kids are in bed she talks to me:

She is permanently kicking me out of our room. She doesn't want to feel like she is on call 24 hours.

She is unhappy being married to someone who has to work so hard.

She is mad that I can't get home in time for soccer and other activities. (With traffic - sometimes it can take 1.5 hours to get home. Even if I left right at 5pm - 6:30 is the earliest).

She is sick of explaining to the kids that I am not going to be home for dinner with them. (The kids eat dinner at 5pm).

She thinks we need to split up for awhile!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When I offered to move closer to my work - she said no, she doesn't want to uproot the kids.

When I offered to quit my job and find something with less responsibility - she said no She couldn't live with that guilt.

When I offered to go to counselling - she said no.

When I asked how splitting up makes sense and have me gone permanently - when her complaint is that I am not there enough in the first place and she doesn't want to upset the kids about moving, but she is willing to upset them by kicking me out - her answer was that "at least we wouldn't expect you".

She refused to talk to me any further and I slept in the guestroom.

None of this adds up to me. After 12 years and 3 kids - why suggest leaving and give me no opportunity to turn this around? We both knew the implications of this new job. Why stay quiet and supportive for 6 months and all of the sudden decide to leave me?

I'm sorry this was so long. I just need a little perspective.

You say you have a 4 month old. Is it possible that she is suddenly dealing with a little PPD? That can strike at any time during the first year after giving birth. If this is strikingly out of character for her, it could be a hormonal or depression issue.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It seems really unfair that you're getting beat up up *because* you're working so hard to support your family. Lately my husband works 10 hour days, six or seven days a week, and I'll admit that sometimes I wish he'd be home a little more on the weekends, but I recognize that we're both making a sacrifice right now for the whole family.

MrMerkinball

TrixieCat wrote:

I agree with lady godiva...sounds like post partem (sp?) depression to me. It is often difficult to see the other person's point of view regarding work or homelife.
You need to convince her to go to counseling and you need to figure out something to allow you to spend more time with your family.
Thinking you are doing the best for your family and actually doing it are 2 seperate things.
I am not excusing her behavior at all...but you both are in this together.

This I agree with 100% - I know we are in this together and I made that poiint very clear. This all just came as a surprise

MrMerkinball

Brain of J.Lo wrote:

You say you have a 4 month old. Is it possible that she is suddenly dealing with a little PPD? That can strike at any time during the first year after giving birth. If this is strikingly out of character for her, it could be a hormonal or depression issue.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It seems really unfair that you're getting beat up up *because* you're working so hard to support your family. Lately my husband works 10 hour days, six or seven days a week, and I'll admit that sometimes I wish he'd be home a little more on the weekends, but I recognize that we're both making a sacrifice right now for the whole family.

The thing Is - I am home every weekend.

Post Partem is a possibility - but there wasn't an ounce of sadness in her yesterday. Just anger

you are

MrMerkinball wrote:

The thing Is - I am home every weekend.

Post Partem is a possibility - but there wasn't an ounce of sadness in her yesterday. Just anger

anger is part of it, if it is PPD

Brain of J.Lo

MrMerkinball wrote:

Post Partem is a possibility - but there wasn't an ounce of sadness in her yesterday. Just anger

Well, depression can manifest itself in many different ways. Irritability is a typical symptom.

I know that I went through a very wide range of emotions after having my daughter and that, at times, I was absolutely mean to the people around me. I used to fly of the handle and just rant at people sometimes for the stupidest things. I don't think anyone around me (aside from my husband) realized what I was going through, either.

share

may be another man.
or woman.

MrMerkinball

share wrote:

may be another man.
or woman.

You know - I wish it were that simple. At least it would make sense.

share

MrMerkinball wrote:

You know - I wish it were that simple. At least it would make sense.

Be careful what you wish for.
Are you 100% positive it isn't?

Brain of J.Lo

share wrote:

may be another man.
or woman.

Honestly, I would be absolutely shocked if a woman with a 5 yr old, a 3 year old and a 4 month old found time to have an affair. I don't know if you're just messing around or not, but seriously...I think it would be almost logistically impossible.

Fifthelement

It definately sounds like post-partum depression to me. Sounds like the addition of a new child, a husband whos 'not-there' (even though she consented to the change), and you being bothered at home, despite your operation and clear instructions not to bother you being left at work, has finally gotten to her. Maybe she's feeling overwhelmed. Sounds like you have tried to do the right thing by her in regards to trying to work it out. Don't give up . . . it may take a little time. You may want to talk to her doctor and her family (if you feel that would be appropriate and helpful). Keep the lines of communication open - she may be in denial or unwilling to have a dialogue. Best of luck to you . . . I really hope that things get straightend out soon. Please feel free to PM me if you want to talk.

S.

MrMerkinball

I know this sounds "cliche" - But I am certain it is not an affair. It just wouldn't be possible given what she does in a day.

I appreciate you all. You have been kind. I am happy to see that not one person has said anything mean about her. She is a wonderful person and is obviously going through something.

I am just scared

Heineken Helen

TrixieCat wrote:

I agree with lady godiva...sounds like post partem (sp?) depression to me. It is often difficult to see the other person's point of view regarding work or homelife.
You need to convince her to go to counseling and you need to figure out something to allow you to spend more time with your family.
Thinking you are doing the best for your family and actually doing it are 2 seperate things.
I am not excusing her behavior at all...but you both are in this together.

I obviously wouldn't know anything about that but that was my first thought also . Also, the reasons behind the vasectomy... there could be more to that. Was that ENTIRELY a joint decision or was it more your decision or her decision? If it was hers, that soon after having a baby, that's kind of alarm bells . I think instead of ASKING what she wants you to do, you need to somehow take control of the situation. Yes, she DID agree to you taking the job... but these things can seem good on paper but in practice are just bad bad bad. And circumstances may change.

Heineken Helen

Brain of J.Lo wrote:

Well, depression can manifest itself in many different ways. Irritability is a typical symptom.

I know that I went through a very wide range of emotions after having my daughter and that, at times, I was absolutely mean to the people around me. I used to fly of the handle and just rant at people sometimes for the stupidest things. I don't think anyone around me (aside from my husband) realized what I was going through, either.

My sister was too after she had the baby. It was obvious what it was cos it would come out of nowhere so I bit my tongue several times but I never said it to her (she can be fiery at the best of times anyway ) but I told myself it was a compliment that she knows she can trust me to forgive her and that's why she was mainly attacking me . It didn't last very long though.

Heineken Helen

MrMerkinball wrote:

You know - I wish it were that simple. At least it would make sense.

Any chance you could take a couple of hours off work and go visit a doctor yourself? Tell him/her everything and see what they make of it.

MrMerkinball

Heineken Helen wrote:

but I told myself it was a compliment that she knows she can trust me to forgive her and that's why she was mainly attacking me . It didn't last very long though.

VERY interesting perspective

Heineken Helen

MrMerkinball wrote:

I am just scared

I'm sorry

truth is though none of us here can diagnose her... I really think you should visit a doctor ASAP. These things can spiral out of control.

Does she have good moments anymore? Perhaps talk to her then and tell her that?

chopitdown

MrMerkinball wrote:

I know this sounds "cliche" - But I am certain it is not an affair. It just wouldn't be possible given what she does in a day.

I appreciate you all. You have been kind. I am happy to see that not one person has said anything mean about her. She is a wonderful person and is obviously going through something.

I am just scared

does she feel like she has access to you like your job does? It very well may be ppd, but maybe with you being gone more she feels more neglected even though you are doing what the 2 of you thought was best for your marriage? You obviously know what makes her tick, try planning something for her where there is no phone, no kids, just you guys and no way that anyone but her can get to you. Or just try some of the little things that you can do to let her know she's much more important than work...and if that doesn't work, slip her an antidepressant in some brownies you make and see if that makes a difference j/k

Heineken Helen

MrMerkinball wrote:

VERY interesting perspective

Well you only hurt the ones you love, don't you? That's why siblings and spouses often have really big arguments... cos they know from previous experience that eventually it will be forgotten about. At the time you don't think it could be a step too far. This is a kinda subconscious thing. If it IS some kinda depression, she's punishing the one person that she knows will forgive her (these are VERY SUBconscious though )

MrMerkinball

Heineken Helen wrote:

I'm sorry

truth is though none of us here can diagnose her... I really think you should visit a doctor ASAP. These things can spiral out of control.

Does she have good moments anymore? Perhaps talk to her then and tell her that?

She has great moments. This is out of nowhere. Last weekend we had a wonderfull long weekend (I took 2 extra days off work) and we went to a beautiful resort. Honestly - something clicked when I got that phone call from work. Perhaps I will go see someone

Heineken Helen

MrMerkinball wrote:

She has great moments. This is out of nowhere. Last weekend we had a wonderfull long weekend (I took 2 extra days off work) and we went to a beautiful resort. Honestly - something clicked when I got that phone call from work. Perhaps I will go see someone

Please do We can give you all the advice we want... but a professional will KNOW what they're talking about

Or on her great moments... bring it up... but DELICATELY! Don't make it seem like you think something's wrong with her or that she's being irrational. Say how much more important she and the kids are to you than any job and you're afraid of losing them. TELL her to tell you what she wants you to do. Don't ask (cos some women can be of the viewpoint 'well if you DON'T KNOW... it's not worth fighting for' or something)

just tina

it definitely sounds like there is an underlying issue on her part... the ones listed can be worked out.

there is absolutely no excuse for her answer to your kids about not wanting you there. you never never NEVER put the kids in it like that, no matter WHAT the issues are.

HushBull

Doesnt like the view wrote:

you never never NEVER put the kids in it like that, no matter WHAT the issues are.

I still hate my father for that kind of stuff.

just tina

can't blame you, hush.

AmentsChick

OH man! What a frustrating situation. I'm sorry to hear that. I admit I have never been married so I can't really say I relate. It sounds like she is being irrational and downright cruel.

I've always had the opinion that parents (and a 'couple') are a team. She absolutely NEVER EVER EVER should've patronized you, ESPECIALLY in front of the kids.

I guess I just don't understand why she isn't willing to talk and work out these issues with you. If you're not home enough, the logical answer would be for you to:

1) change jobs
or
2) move


After thinking about your predicament, I suppose I have no helpful or ground-breaking advice to give you. I *HATE* when wives are terrible to their hubbies (i.e. Everybody Loves Raymond)...and of course vice versa.

I do truly hope things work themselves out. Keep us posted!

libragirl

I'm sorry, I wouldn't even know what to tell you. All I know is relationships and especially marriage is very hard at times.

I hope you and your wife can talk things out.