when should I break it to her That Eddie's Toronto date is on her birthday?
is she a fan? if not, you may want to think about skipping it for her...:( i mean, it is her birthday and in her state of mind right now, she could go from OK, to not OK at all. in the end, the not OK would win and she would hold that against you.
No need to be void, or save up on life...
You got to spend it all
if you are wise you best be getting her a ticket to join in on the fun. find/arrange for a sitter on thaat day and TAKE HER OUT!! after all it IS her birthday!! combine the fun if you can. make it memorable . She deserves and needs a break away from being a serious person. just one day can turn things around.
she needs some REAL HER TIME...to find herself again..to be who she is and who she used to be PRE- CHILDREN.....................
You still in a sense get to be you. MOM on the other hand is ALWAYS MOM!!!
good luck!
I am a great giver of FREE advice and counsel..
LiFE FLOWS, With Or Without You, LiFE MOVES on, LiKE I Do.....
Yeah - I am so used to being 100% honest with her - that would seem very strange. This is so out of charactor.
I forgot to mention - with no offense to everyone here (becuase there is great advice here)- I am going to sit down with a counsellor just myself this week. I don't think I can handle this on my own.
I'm glad to hear that. Seriously I feel quite worried for you (not that I mean something bad's gonna happen... but it sounds like you feel so helpless)... I don't know what kinda relationship you have with her family but is there any chance you could talk to her mom or a sister and perhaps, if such a situation is possible, one of them may be due 'a visit' for a week or so?
And I definitely agree with contacting her obgyn
The Astoria??? Orgazmic!
Verona??? it's all surmountable
Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
Wembley? We all believe!
Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
Chicago 07? And love
What a different life
Had I not found this love with you
Yeah - I am so used to being 100% honest with her - that would seem very strange. This is so out of charactor.
I forgot to mention - with no offense to everyone here (becuase there is great advice here)- I am going to sit down with a counsellor just myself this week. I don't think I can handle this on my own.
I see a lot of folks are giving you kudos for your decision on counseling for yourself and I totally agree.
When I was married to my first husband and I asked him to go to counseling, he declined. So, I decided to go by myself to help me think things through and make sure MY thinking wasn't flawed and maybe get some tools to coping with everything I was thinking and feeling.
I've read page 1 and page 5. It looks like the others have the depression advice covered.
I'd like to add that she can't kick you out. Its your house too. You can kind of be separate in the house for a while if you have to, but you don't have to leave.
I'm sure she is feeling very overwhelmed. That's a lot of little kids to be home with. It used to be quite hard for me when I was stay at home with 2 little kids. Babies cry all the time and you can't get anything done, and you're time is not your own. With a 4 month old, she's probably having a hard time even getting her shower in. This is something that women who stay home with kids experience the worst of everyone. You can still come and go as you please but she can't. But I can say this passes. My girls are now 18 and 14 and we have been married close to 27 years. Our relationship isn't perfect, but sometimes just time passing and situations easing helps, if you can just ride it out. It has been my experience that talking it out with the person ad nauseum doesn't always help.
p.s. I've been to Toronto quite a few times and I know how bad traffic is - can you use the train at all?
R.i.p. Rigoberto Alpizar.
R.i.p. My Dad - May 28, 2007
R.i.p. Black Tail (cat) - Sept. 20, 2008
wow, definitely sounds like a rough ride, but quite honestly, reading your update...i am hopeful for you! truly! it DOES sound like mood-swings and/or depression, she is overwhelmed, etc. sounds like at this moment, she is not 100% on ANYthing she wants, and is lashing out, speaking out...probably for you to help her through. it will be difficult, but i really think you can get back. i hope you can get some help for yourself, for her and as a couple. keep us posted and good luck!
Things seem sort of back to normal - although it is really strained still at home.
I am talking to someone to help me through.
She knows and ackowledges she hurt me and admits that some of what she was doing doesn't make sense. She still refuses to see any counselor. (I think she knows that she was being irrational).
She is on to this thing where she says I would be happier with someone who could be more supportive of my career. She knows that I would be miserable without her and my family.
I have made arrangements to leave work early 2 times/week over the next little while and we have made better arrangements to have some child-less times together. This seems to be helping.
Things seem sort of back to normal - although it is really strained still at home.
I am talking to someone to help me through.
She knows and ackowledges she hurt me and admits that some of what she was doing doesn't make sense. She still refuses to see any counselor. (I think she knows that she was being irrational).
She is on to this thing where she says I would be happier with someone who could be more supportive of my career. She knows that I would be miserable without her and my family.
I have made arrangements to leave work early 2 times/week over the next little while and we have made better arrangements to have some child-less times together. This seems to be helping.
Thanks for listening a few weeks back.
A bit brighter, hopefully things keep improving.
Good luck!
It's moments like this that single people rejoice...
give me a nickle for every confused but doesn't know it yet woman, and I'll rebuild a new universe for all of mankind...
Progress is not made by everyone joining some new fad,
and reveling in it's loyalty. It's made by forming coalitions
over specific principles, goals, and policies.
If all of this is totally sudden and out of character, it's a hormonal thing after the baby. I'd probably bet my house on it.
or even if it's not completely biochemical, she's probably been going nuts being home with the baby and having the other two on top of it, so she resents that you have a job and get to do other things. I'd be depressed and sort of psycho in that situation too.
I have not read the entire thread so bear with me.
I too work long hours and am rarely home for dinner or to put my kids to sleep during the week.
Her anger comes from the fact that she is doing every thing at home while you are away-that resentment can build quickly-especially if you are critical of her efforts
the late night call perhaps should have been handled outside the bedroom so she can rest-she views that as you not respecting her role as a mom and that its all about you and your job
no simple answers, when you are away all the time, your wife will have some resentment-you need to make that go away during the weekends.
But man, trying to completely understand your wife, or women in general is like searching for the holy grail.
Find out what she needs to be happy and provide it as often as you can-which still wont be 100% of the time
Things seem sort of back to normal - although it is really strained still at home.
I am talking to someone to help me through.
She knows and ackowledges she hurt me and admits that some of what she was doing doesn't make sense. She still refuses to see any counselor. (I think she knows that she was being irrational).
She is on to this thing where she says I would be happier with someone who could be more supportive of my career. She knows that I would be miserable without her and my family.
I have made arrangements to leave work early 2 times/week over the next little while and we have made better arrangements to have some child-less times together. This seems to be helping.
Thanks for listening a few weeks back.
awww, that's great.
i understand it's still quite diffuclt, and it will remain so. it will take time to work through all the issues, they didn't develop overnight. it's a shame she still says no to counseling, but kudos to you for YOU going. i'm sure it will help you, and you will develop better ways of coping and working on yourself, your relationship...so bound to help your marriage. who knows? in time she may see all the positive results you have and may change her mind and join you. either way, it's good for YOU. also sounds like you made some concrete changes to alleviate some of the issues, and that's great. being proactive is the way to go!
good luck and continued success! i am always so pleased for others when they really try and get it all to work, having a great marriage and family is no small accomplishment, and certainly not something to walk away from easily. all the best!
Things seem sort of back to normal - although it is really strained still at home.
I am talking to someone to help me through.
She knows and ackowledges she hurt me and admits that some of what she was doing doesn't make sense. She still refuses to see any counselor. (I think she knows that she was being irrational).
She is on to this thing where she says I would be happier with someone who could be more supportive of my career. She knows that I would be miserable without her and my family.
I have made arrangements to leave work early 2 times/week over the next little while and we have made better arrangements to have some child-less times together. This seems to be helping.
Thanks for listening a few weeks back.
well I'm glad to see there's some kinda start. It sounds like she's probably feeling inadequate... often women feel ugly after giving birth too. I used to tell my sister quite often that she looked really really well (for the only time in my life, lol) as a kinda pre-emptive strike so she couldn't snipe at me it worked lol. Or I'd make the tea more often than usual or just generally say and do nice stuff. I'm sure you do this too... but it definitely helps.
It's really nice to see somebody putting in the effort though. You've spoken very respectfully of your wife throughout the whole thing... I hope it gets better.
The Astoria??? Orgazmic!
Verona??? it's all surmountable
Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
Wembley? We all believe!
Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
Chicago 07? And love
What a different life
Had I not found this love with you
Comments
is she a fan? if not, you may want to think about skipping it for her...:( i mean, it is her birthday and in her state of mind right now, she could go from OK, to not OK at all. in the end, the not OK would win and she would hold that against you.
You got to spend it all
she needs some REAL HER TIME...to find herself again..to be who she is and who she used to be PRE- CHILDREN.....................
You still in a sense get to be you. MOM on the other hand is ALWAYS MOM!!!
good luck!
I am a great giver of FREE advice and counsel..
And I definitely agree with contacting her obgyn
Verona??? it's all surmountable
Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
Wembley? We all believe!
Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
Chicago 07? And love
What a different life
Had I not found this love with you
Big time +1. Your follow up post makes it sound like this is a situation where you are going to need some support too in order to navigate this.
Hope everything goes the way that works best for all concerned. Best wishes... best vibes.
I see a lot of folks are giving you kudos for your decision on counseling for yourself and I totally agree.
When I was married to my first husband and I asked him to go to counseling, he declined. So, I decided to go by myself to help me think things through and make sure MY thinking wasn't flawed and maybe get some tools to coping with everything I was thinking and feeling.
It was the BEST thing I ever did.
Keep on, keepin' on.
I'd like to add that she can't kick you out. Its your house too. You can kind of be separate in the house for a while if you have to, but you don't have to leave.
I'm sure she is feeling very overwhelmed. That's a lot of little kids to be home with. It used to be quite hard for me when I was stay at home with 2 little kids. Babies cry all the time and you can't get anything done, and you're time is not your own. With a 4 month old, she's probably having a hard time even getting her shower in. This is something that women who stay home with kids experience the worst of everyone. You can still come and go as you please but she can't. But I can say this passes. My girls are now 18 and 14 and we have been married close to 27 years. Our relationship isn't perfect, but sometimes just time passing and situations easing helps, if you can just ride it out. It has been my experience that talking it out with the person ad nauseum doesn't always help.
p.s. I've been to Toronto quite a few times and I know how bad traffic is - can you use the train at all?
R.i.p. My Dad - May 28, 2007
R.i.p. Black Tail (cat) - Sept. 20, 2008
Let's just breathe...
I am myself like you somehow
Things seem sort of back to normal - although it is really strained still at home.
I am talking to someone to help me through.
She knows and ackowledges she hurt me and admits that some of what she was doing doesn't make sense. She still refuses to see any counselor. (I think she knows that she was being irrational).
She is on to this thing where she says I would be happier with someone who could be more supportive of my career. She knows that I would be miserable without her and my family.
I have made arrangements to leave work early 2 times/week over the next little while and we have made better arrangements to have some child-less times together. This seems to be helping.
Thanks for listening a few weeks back.
Good luck!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm a number that doesn't count
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
the nothing ventured - the nothing feigned
I'm going to take that day off and do something she would enjoy.
I might have scored myself a single ticket for the 13th though.
give me a nickle for every confused but doesn't know it yet woman, and I'll rebuild a new universe for all of mankind...
and reveling in it's loyalty. It's made by forming coalitions
over specific principles, goals, and policies.
http://i36.tinypic.com/66j31x.jpg
(\__/)
( o.O)
(")_(")
or even if it's not completely biochemical, she's probably been going nuts being home with the baby and having the other two on top of it, so she resents that you have a job and get to do other things. I'd be depressed and sort of psycho in that situation too.
I too work long hours and am rarely home for dinner or to put my kids to sleep during the week.
Her anger comes from the fact that she is doing every thing at home while you are away-that resentment can build quickly-especially if you are critical of her efforts
the late night call perhaps should have been handled outside the bedroom so she can rest-she views that as you not respecting her role as a mom and that its all about you and your job
no simple answers, when you are away all the time, your wife will have some resentment-you need to make that go away during the weekends.
But man, trying to completely understand your wife, or women in general is like searching for the holy grail.
Find out what she needs to be happy and provide it as often as you can-which still wont be 100% of the time
awww, that's great.
i understand it's still quite diffuclt, and it will remain so. it will take time to work through all the issues, they didn't develop overnight. it's a shame she still says no to counseling, but kudos to you for YOU going. i'm sure it will help you, and you will develop better ways of coping and working on yourself, your relationship...so bound to help your marriage. who knows? in time she may see all the positive results you have and may change her mind and join you. either way, it's good for YOU. also sounds like you made some concrete changes to alleviate some of the issues, and that's great. being proactive is the way to go!
good luck and continued success! i am always so pleased for others when they really try and get it all to work, having a great marriage and family is no small accomplishment, and certainly not something to walk away from easily. all the best!
Let's just breathe...
I am myself like you somehow
It's really nice to see somebody putting in the effort though. You've spoken very respectfully of your wife throughout the whole thing... I hope it gets better.
Verona??? it's all surmountable
Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
Wembley? We all believe!
Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
Chicago 07? And love
What a different life
Had I not found this love with you