Attacker's apology revives a victim's nightmare

SuzannePjam · February 2007

I'm curious to see what you all think of this story and what this attacker's written apology to his victim 20 years later prompted her to do. I agree with her actions 100%.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17286971/

jeffbr · February 2007

SuzannePjam wrote:

I'm curious to see what you all think of this story and what this attacker's written apology to his victim 20 years later prompted her to do. I agree with her actions 100%.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17286971/

I agree with her actions 100% as well. In the Loose Change thread toward the end (page 7) there is discussion about forgiveness. I think the Christians in the article calling for this woman to forgive the guy should be ashamed of themselves. She did exactly the right thing. That fucker raped her. His apology had nothing to do with helping her, it was a selfish act on his part. He "prayed about it"? Good lord. If his god told him to continue to abuse the woman with his apology so that he could get past Step 9, then his god is an asshole, too.

Vedderlution_Baby · February 2007

I don't know what I would have done. Every time I go home I have to face the person who sexually assaulted me. I usually just pummel him with insults that I know make him feel like shit. I've wondered just how bad he's felt about doing it. I've got hundreds of scars from self inflicted wounds and i wonder if he's ever bled and cried about it.

sponger · February 2007

Vedderlution_Baby! wrote:

I don't know what I would have done. Every time I go home I have to face the person who sexually assaulted me. I usually just pummel him with insults that I know make him feel like shit. I've wondered just how bad he's felt about doing it. I've got hundreds of scars from self inflicted wounds and i wonder if he's ever bled and cried about it.

What?! Is this something that is detailed in another thread?

Vedderlution_Baby · February 2007

sponger wrote:

What?! Is this something that is detailed in another thread?

Hmm? I'm confused

soulsinging · February 2007

SuzannePjam wrote:

I'm curious to see what you all think of this story and what this attacker's written apology to his victim 20 years later prompted her to do. I agree with her actions 100%.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17286971/

i agree with her actions too. one of the cornerstones of 9th step work is total honesty and acceptane of the consequences. they are not about making yourself better, but righting the wrongs of the past. it seems this was mostly about assauging his guilt... i cant imagine what he thought he could ever do to right that. furthermore, the way he downplayed what happened shows he wasn't all that into an honest assessment of the situation. it's a sick situation. if he'd wanted to help he'd have either given her a full apology and complete honesty and accepted what followed, or he'd have left her alone instead of reopening that wound for her to ease his conscience.

soulsinging · February 2007

Vedderlution_Baby! wrote:

Hmm? I'm confused

i think sponger is wondering if you've discussed this elsewhere... im equally curious why you would go home to someone who would have something like that to you.

sponger · February 2007

Vedderlution_Baby! wrote:

Hmm? I'm confused

That seems like a pretty crazy story. I want to hear more.

Vedderlution_Baby · February 2007

Oh, sorry. He's a friend of the family and none of them know. he works with my grandmother. I should have clarified by home. Im sure that's whats got you guys tripping. I meant when I went to visit family in the carolinas. I didnt mean that I see him at my house every night. He didn't rape me, he molested me. And I started cutting when I was...between the ages of 11 and 13. I stopped when i was around 17 but I'd be lying if i said it wasn't in my head at all anymore.

soulsinging · February 2007

Vedderlution_Baby! wrote:

Oh, sorry. He's a friend of the family and none of them know. he works with my grandmother. I should have clarified by home. Im sure that's whats got you guys tripping. I meant when I went to visit family in the carolinas. I didnt mean that I see him at my house every night. He didn't rape me, he molested me. And I started cutting when I was...between the ages of 11 and 13. I stopped when i was around 17 but I'd be lying if i said it wasn't in my head at all anymore.

i dont think compulsions like that ever really totally go away. but man... i dont know if i could keep that charade up.

Vedderlution_Baby · February 2007

soulsinging wrote:

i dont think compulsions like that ever really totally go away. but man... i dont know if i could keep that charade up.

Man, I couldn't imagine what it'd be like if the motherfucker was an actual family member. Don't think I'd be able to handle that one.

gue_barium · February 2007

Does anyone recollect the Amish girls gunned down in their schoolhouse not many moons ago? That Amish community publicy forgave the killer just a few days later. That was very moving (to me) gesture on their part, and speaks volumes of their belief in themselves. If anything I would have expected no reply at all, just silence.

sponger · February 2007

Vedderlution_Baby! wrote:

Oh, sorry. He's a friend of the family and none of them know. he works with my grandmother. I should have clarified by home. Im sure that's whats got you guys tripping. I meant when I went to visit family in the carolinas. I didnt mean that I see him at my house every night. He didn't rape me, he molested me. And I started cutting when I was...between the ages of 11 and 13. I stopped when i was around 17 but I'd be lying if i said it wasn't in my head at all anymore.

I'd say there's a pretty good chance that you aren't his only victim. The longer you keep it a secret, the longer the victimization will continue. He is out there destroying lives. You need to call the police and destroy his.

sponger · February 2007

gue_barium wrote:

Does anyone recollect the Amish girls gunned down in their schoolhouse not many moons ago? That Amish community publicy forgave the killer just a few days later. That was very moving (to me) gesture on their part, and speaks volumes of their belief in themselves. If anything I would have expected no reply at all, just silence.

They forgave him, but we will never know if they would've let him escape justice had he lived.

soulsinging · February 2007

sponger wrote:

They forgave him, but we will never know if they would've let him escape justice had he lived.

i truly believe they would have. the amish, whatever else you have to say about them, truly put their money where their mouth is.

soulsinging · February 2007

sponger wrote:

I'd say there's a pretty good chance that you aren't his only victim. The longer you keep it a secret, the longer the victimization will continue. He is out there destroying lives. You need to call the police and destroy his.

i dont think trying to add to his guilt is going to help his situation. he's made a difficult choice to handle a tragic set of circumstances in a way he feels is best for him. i dont think it's for any of us to tell him he should do otherwise becos we would, let alone tell him his choice is responsible for hurting other people.

Vedderlution_Baby · February 2007

soulsinging wrote:

i dont think trying to add to her guilt is going to help her situation. she's made a difficult choice to handle a tragic set of circumstances in a way she feels is best for her. i dont think it's for any of us to tell her she should do otherwise becos we would, let alone tell her her choice is responsible for hurting other people.

Oh man. On this board for four years and people still don't know I'm a dude.

I'm going on record now:

I have a penis and i like using it!

No offense taken by the way, I have a pretty good sense of humor.

sponger · February 2007

soulsinging wrote:

i truly believe they would have. the amish, whatever else you have to say about them, truly put their money where their mouth is.

So, you have examples of the amish being murder victims, and then calling for the murderer to be released.

sponger · February 2007

soulsinging wrote:

i dont think trying to add to her guilt is going to help her situation. she's made a difficult choice to handle a tragic set of circumstances in a way she feels is best for her. i dont think it's for any of us to tell her she should do otherwise becos we would, let alone tell her her choice is responsible for hurting other people.

So, we should just let him feel comfortable with letting some child molester possibly continue to molest other children because that's what he feels "comfortable" with. You think child molesters should walk free when doing so helps one of his victims feel better.

is it just my way · February 2007

sponger wrote:

So, we should just let him feel comfortable with letting some child molester possibly continue to molest other children because that's what he feels "comfortable" with. You think child molesters should walk free when doing so helps one of his victims feel better.

On average every abuser has 12 victims. I know it sounds simple to say just call the police and get justice, but its never that easy. In my case i have stayed silent for 23 years, i could not cope with the loss of love from my family and i choose to keep that rather than tear my family apart, it is extremely hard when the abuser is a family member like mine is. I cant speak for Vedderlution_Baby! however for myself there is no way i could go to the police, let alone have to tell my father that at the age of 7 i endured the worst kind of treatment that any person can do to another.

I certainly know now that there is nothing that can be done, no physical evidence now, just one persons word against another's, and let me tell you there is much more pain associated with being denied the simple acknowledgment by your attacker that it even happened.

In a perfect world these evil vile people would be bought to justice, they have no idea what its like to live in fear of your memories, however we all know we don't live in a perfect world.

sponger · February 2007

is it just my way wrote:

I certainly know now that there is nothing that can be done, no physical evidence now, just one persons word against another's, and let me tell you there is much more pain associated with being denied the simple acknowledgment by your attacker that it even happened.

In a perfect world these evil vile people would be bought to justice, they have no idea what its like to live in fear of your memories, however we all know we don't live in a perfect world.

When one victim comes forward, there's often a tendency for other victims to forward. Child molestation allegations, even when gone unproven, tend to leave a black mark on the accused anyway.

Again, this is a case of you and Vedderlution being perfectly OK with a child molester continuing his victimization of others because it's just too painful to take a stand.

Attacker's apology revives a victim's nightmare

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