Attacker's apology revives a victim's nightmare

is it just my way

sponger wrote:

When one victim comes forward, there's often a tendency for other victims to forward. Child molestation allegations, even when gone unproven, tend to leave a black mark on the accused anyway.

Again, this is a case of you and Vedderlution being perfectly OK with a child molester continuing his victimization of others because it's just too painful to take a stand.

I guess you will never know unless you are in your own situation. I could never tell another person what to do, or try make them feel guilty for something they have no control over. You don't know what a person has gone through, what they may still go through and i think its extremely unfair of you to tell people they are taking the easy way out, or that they are OK with what's happened to them. It's a fate worse than death.

Every person's case is different. I have been to the police, nothing can be done, nothing. I will not ruin another part of my life by having my family take sides if they knew what happened, you are always going to have people not believe you. and no i am not prepared to take that chance, and how dare you assume i am OK with what happened to me, or what probably happened to others.

sponger

is it just my way wrote:

I have been to the police, nothing can be done, nothing.

Really? But you said this in an earlier post:

In my case i have stayed silent for 23 years... for myself there is no way i could go to the police

You're right I don't know what it's like to be a victim of molestation. But, the very thought of a child being molested makes my blood boil beyond temperatures found on the surface of the sun.

At any rate, if you were to say, seek help from a counselor, that counselor would be under obligation to report this incident even if said counselor "doesn't know it's like." This is because this victimization that you suffered is horrible and it is probably happening to other children. Think of all the children that these priests have been molesting over the years. They were all afraid to speak out because of the stranglehold that the church has on the minds of those who attend it. There is no excuse for allowing that behavior to continue. The "you don't know what it's like" card is just sickening. You are partly to blame for every child that person has molested from the day you decided to keep silent.

is it just my way

sponger wrote:

Really? But you said this in an earlier post:



You're right I don't know what it's like to be a victim of molestation. But, the very thought of a child being molested makes my blood boil beyond temperatures found on the surface of the sun.

At any rate, if you were to say, seek help from a counselor, that counselor would be under obligation to report this incident even if said counselor "doesn't know it's like." This is because this victimization that you suffered is horrible and it is probably happening to other children. Think of all the children that these priests have been molesting over the years. They were all afraid to speak out because of the stranglehold that the church has on the minds of those who attend it. There is no excuse for allowing that behavior to continue. The "you don't know what it's like" card is just sickening. You are partly to blame for every child that person has molested from the day you decided to keep silent.

Sorry to not clarify in the earlier post, "for myself there is no way i could go to the police" statement i meant that there is nothing the police can do so it is a mute point. being silent within my family. My abuser is a family member, and therefore it makes life very hard, i cannot tell my extended family unless i want to rip them apart, and no I'm not willing to do that.

Please don't get me wrong, i too hate the thought of any child out there suffering like i did. You think i want what happened to me to happen to another child? Tell me how i could stop it happening again? I cant rely on police, I cant go to them for help, they cant help me, they have told me nothing can be done.

Me speaking out will only destroy my family not bringing my particular perpetrator to any sort of justice. I cannot speak out for those being raped or abused by priests, that is not my situation so i cannot comment on that, therefore has no bearing to my particular situation.

I am not playing the " you don't know what its like card" for all i know you may of had a similar experience, what I'm saying is every persons situation is different, and no one can say what is right for any other, whether it be you or me. You don't know what each individual persons situation is like, I don't know what each person's situation is like, is what I'm saying. I am simply telling my reasons for staying silent in my family. Nothing can be done, it will not bring my abuser to any justice, the police can do nothing i can't rely on them for justice.

I don't know what kind of counselor you are referring to. Do you mean school counselor? we don't have them here and I'm not sure if a school counselor is mandated to report such things. A normal Psychologist/Counselor is unable to reveal anything that is said between them and their client, thats the law.

I'm sorry but i find your comments sickening, to say that I'm partly to blame for any other child being molested, it's absurd to blame another person for someone else's actions. When i was a child i did not choose to keep silent i was threatened and therefore frightened beyond anything i could imagine, a 7 year old does not understand such things, yes i'm an adult now and i can tell you this much i in no way feel guilty for staying silent, i feel guilty for living, but thats it.

Maybe i should not say anymore it is a very emotional issue and we both will not change our views, so there is no point in debating this and having someone tell me i am to blame for any other abuses that may of taken place.

angelica

is it just my way wrote:

I'm sorry but i find your comments sickening, to say that I'm partly to blame for any other child being molested, it's absurd to blame another person for someone else's actions. When i was a child i did not choose to keep silent i was threatened and therefore frightened beyond anything i could imagine, a 7 year old does not understand such things, yes i'm an adult now and i can tell you this much i in no way feel guilty for staying silent, i feel guilty for living, but thats it.

Maybe i should not say anymore it is a very emotional issue and we both will not change our views, so there is no point in debating this and having someone tell me i am to blame for any other abuses that may of taken place.

I want you to know you have my support, 100%, on this. You are not responsible for what was done to you in the first place, and you definitely are not responsible for the children this person has molested since you. Often people cannot comprehend the life energy that is used dealing with having been assaulted in some way. It sounds like you've had a whole lot to juggle in order to keep it together through the years and that you have made it, and I think that is wonderful. I'm happy to hear that you realize you are not accountable for such deplorable actions from another.

Also, it seems people get an idealized perception of how we can solve the situation for others by going to the police, not realizing that to do so, at the expense of throwing your own life into worse victimization and hurting many others may not a good move for you or others at varying stages of healing. You and others like Vedderlution_Baby are those who have been assaulted unfairly, and to continue holding you accountable for actions you do not control is not acceptable. Reason tells me that you have already bore the brunt of your assaulter's actions and that it's not okay to in any way ask you to bear anymore. I commend you for listening to your intuition and developing your own insights into what is right for you. It can't be easy dealing with what you've been through and keeping it together within your family. That you've done so is amazing to me. I hope you have ways to release the past and what's happened, through journalling, counselling, talking with others, etc. Peace.

baraka

sponger wrote:

The "you don't know what it's like" card is just sickening. You are partly to blame for every child that person has molested from the day you decided to keep silent.

I think this statement is on par with blaming the victim for being raped. I'm really at a loss of words, to be honest. Unless you've been there, you really have no authority to make such statements. Blaming the victim for the actions of their abuser........nice :rolleyes:

A far as the issue at hand, I do not see a problem with what this woman did. I believe soulsinging mentioned it earlier, but one of the tenets of AA or NA is to accept responsibility for one's previous actions. The apology means nothing unless the individual is ready & willing to be held accountable for past wrongs. This woman's willingness to forgive is a separate issue from the man being held responsible for his actions.

Pacomc79

absolutely she did the right thing, the appology was for him, paying for his transgressions is for both of them. It sounds like she's turning it into a positive thing, giving her life new meaning. I wish her the best. "Forgiving" him in the opinion of the people beesching her to do so would mean he is still getting away with doing that to her. He's finally paying for his crime and learning consequences for his actions. I think she absolutely handled it correctly.

meme

sponger wrote:

So, we should just let him feel comfortable with letting some child molester possibly continue to molest other children because that's what he feels "comfortable" with. You think child molesters should walk free when doing so helps one of his victims feel better.

You have no idea what you are talking about.
Just be thankful you are not in that position and be respectful of someone who has undergone such tragedy and survived.

soulsinging

Vedderlution_Baby! wrote:

Oh man. On this board for four years and people still don't know I'm a dude.


I'm going on record now:

I have a penis and i like using it!



No offense taken by the way, I have a pretty good sense of humor.

my bad... sorry! the rest of my post still stands though... ill change it.

soulsinging

sponger wrote:

So, we should just let him feel comfortable with letting some child molester possibly continue to molest other children because that's what he feels "comfortable" with. You think child molesters should walk free when doing so helps one of his victims feel better.

i think you cannot tell someone how they should be respond to something you know nothing about.

soulsinging

sponger wrote:

You're right I don't know what it's like to be a victim of molestation.

ah, for a second there i thought you were an expert on healthy ways for sexual harassment victims to respond to their abuse. whew! now i know i was right and you're just talking out your self-righteous ass.

hippiemom

angelica wrote:

I want you to know you have my support, 100%, on this. You are not responsible for what was done to you in the first place, and you definitely are not responsible for the children this person has molested since you. Often people cannot comprehend the life energy that is used dealing with having been assaulted in some way. It sounds like you've had a whole lot to juggle in order to keep it together through the years and that you have made it, and I think that is wonderful. I'm happy to hear that you realize you are not accountable for such deplorable actions from another.

Also, it seems people get an idealized perception of how we can solve the situation for others by going to the police, not realizing that to do so, at the expense of throwing your own life into worse victimization and hurting many others may not a good move for you or others at varying stages of healing. You and others like Vedderlution_Baby are those who have been assaulted unfairly, and to continue holding you accountable for actions you do not control is not acceptable. Reason tells me that you have already bore the brunt of your assaulter's actions and that it's not okay to in any way ask you to bear anymore. I commend you for listening to your intuition and developing your own insights into what is right for you. It can't be easy dealing with what you've been through and keeping it together within your family. That you've done so is amazing to me. I hope you have ways to release the past and what's happened, through journalling, counselling, talking with others, etc. Peace.

Excellent post, I completely agree with everything you've said, angelica.

Anyone who is victimized needs to take stock of their own situation and do what is best for them. Of course it's a good thing if we can get an abuser off the streets, but that is not always possible, particularly when you're reporting the crime 10 or 20 or 30 years down the road. I've counseled women who were bullied into attempting to prosecute their childhood abusers and who described the experience as being far worse than the molestation itself, because of the exact things that is it just my way and Vedderlution have described. It's in sharp contrast to women who were raped as adults and prosecuted immediately. In my experience, those women almost always feel empowered by taking control of the situation, even when the prosecution isn't successful. With child abuse and all the related family dynamics, the lack of evidence, etc., the situation is much different. Such cases can tear a family apart and destroy whatever sparse support network the abuse survivor has. It is certainly not my place to tell any survivor what he or she "should" do in that regard.

angelica

hippiemom wrote:

Excellent post, I completely agree with everything you've said, angelica.

Anyone who is victimized needs to take stock of their own situation and do what is best for them. Of course it's a good thing if we can get an abuser off the streets, but that is not always possible, particularly when you're reporting the crime 10 or 20 or 30 years down the road. I've counseled women who were bullied into attempting to prosecute their childhood abusers and who described the experience as being far worse than the molestation itself, because of the exact things that is it just my way and Vedderlution have described. It's in sharp contrast to women who were raped as adults and prosecuted immediately. In my experience, those women almost always feel empowered by taking control of the situation, even when the prosecution isn't successful. With child abuse and all the related family dynamics, the lack of evidence, etc., the situation is much different. Such cases can tear a family apart and destroy whatever sparse support network the abuse survivor has. It is certainly not my place to tell any survivor what he or she "should" do in that regard.

Thanks hippiemom, and I, too, completely agree with what you've said.

I'd like to add that in my own situation, where I was sexually assaulted on different occasions by different perpetraters from age 5 on up to adulthood, when my life was severely crumbling as an adult, I began in desperation to open up and express what had happened to me. My family members, who were not involved in my assaults, were unable to cope with what I was telling them. My view was minimized, doubted, I was effectively shunned for being outspoken and for not taking "my place" and going along "nicely". Because I would not keep quiet, my outspoken nature was blamed for being the 'actual' cause of my problem, rather than the underlying sexual assault issues so much as being merely acknowledged and accepted. Again, in my case the assaults I endured which started at the age of 5 were NOT connected to my family members. It's one thing to imagine ideally how these situations should play out. Ultimately, the reality, and people's lack of coping skills for such issues can be far-reaching. Therefore, I feel it's crucial that survivors make it the utmost priority to trust their own instincts and to do exactly what is right for them given what they perceive in their lives.

is it just my way

angelica wrote:

Thanks hippiemom, and I, too, completely agree with what you've said.

I'd like to add that in my own situation, where I was sexually assaulted on different occasions by different perpetraters from age 5 on up to adulthood, when my life was severely crumbling as an adult, I began in desperation to open up and express what had happened to me. My family members, who were not involved in my assaults, were unable to cope with what I was telling them. My view was minimized, doubted, I was effectively shunned for being outspoken and for not taking "my place" and going along "nicely". Because I would not keep quiet, my outspoken nature was blamed for being the 'actual' cause of my problem, rather than the underlying sexual assault issues so much as being merely acknowledged and accepted. Again, in my case the assaults I endured which started at the age of 5 were NOT connected to my family members. It's one thing to imagine ideally how these situations should play out. Ultimately, the reality, and people's lack of coping skills for such issues can be far-reaching. Therefore, I feel it's crucial that survivors make it the utmost priority to trust their own instincts and to do exactly what is right for them given what they perceive in their lives.

I am very sorry for what you had to endure angelica, and I'm so sorry your family reacted the way they did, i hope too you have started the healing process. Just even talking about it again game me a revolting nights lack of sleep, i cannot even imagine what my life would be like if i had to endure the doubts of my family, i would not survive that as well i can tell you. Thanks to you and Hippiemom for being to articulate what i wanted to say, sometimes i cannot find the words i am looking for, especially on this emotive issue.

angelica

is it just my way wrote:

I am very sorry for what you had to endure angelica, and I'm so sorry your family reacted the way they did, i hope too you have started the healing process. Just even talking about it again game me a revolting nights lack of sleep, i cannot even imagine what my life would be like if i had to endure the doubts of my family, i would not survive that as well i can tell you. Thanks to you and Hippiemom for being to articulate what i wanted to say, sometimes i cannot find the words i am looking for, especially on this emotive issue.

Thanks for your kind words of support. For me it was a long, painful road. It was a road that causes me to be all the more adamant in knowing those who cannot relate must exercise caution and sensitivity in terms of survivors and what they have gone through. I send you a big hug, my friend! (((HUG)))

sponger

We've all had our rough childhoods. Sometimes people just need to suck it up and do the right thing instead of sniveling about it on a message board and then acting as though they are still being victimized to this day.

First of all, I'm calling bullshit on Is it Just My Way.

She said she has been silent for 23 years, yet she is 30 years old.

This means she went to the police at age 7? She went to the police, screamed molestation, and was told to go fuck herself?

I don't buy it. Unless Australia is significantly different from the US, no law enforcement person in their right mind would blow off a 7 year old going straight to the police to accuse a person of molestation.

And how many 7 year olds actually find the strength to the call the police?

That's why she contradicted herself. She really never has gone to the police, but then later changed her story to justify in her mind just how much of a victim she still is. It's a "No, sponger, it really is hopeless. You have to believe me," kind of mentality that is the mantra of victims who refuse to appropriately deal with their suffering.

So, again, Is It Just My Way, you are full of shit.

I am no counselor, but I did quite a bit of extracurricular activities for my psych minor in college, which included sitting in on group therapy sessions with the permission of all who were in attendance.

The stories that I heard are just simply atrocious. They're unimaginable. It would be just vulgar to detail them on this message board.

And so I know for a fact that you cannot disclose molestation to a counselor without said counselor at least recommending contacting authorities. If the victim is a minor, then the counselor is obligated to contact the authorities.

And that is how I can guess with a very high rate of probability have neither vedderlution nor Is it Just My Way have seen a therapist about said abuse.

And if neither of them have done such, then all of you need to STFU because you're really just enabling their victim mentality.

It's childhood trauma 101. One does not need to be a fucking psychiatrist to know this shit.

soulsinging

sponger wrote:

We've all had our rough childhoods. Sometimes people just need to suck it up and do the right thing instead of sniveling about it on a message board and then acting as though they are still being victimized to this day.

First of all, I'm calling bullshit on Is it Just My Way.

She said she has been silent for 23 years, yet she is 30 years old.

This means she went to the police at age 7? She went to the police, screamed molestation, and was told to go fuck herself?

I don't buy it. Unless Australia is significantly different from the US, no law enforcement person in their right mind would blow off a 7 year old going straight to the police to accuse a person of molestation.

That's why she contradicted herself. She really never has gone to the police, but then later changed her story to justify in her mind just how much of a victim she still is. It's a "No, sponger, it really is hopeless. You have to believe me," kind of mentality that is the mantra of victims who refuse to appropriately deal with their suffering.

So, again, Is It Just My Way, you are full of shit.

I am no counselor, but I did quite a bit of extracurricular activities for my psych minor in college, which included sitting in on group therapy sessions with the permission of all who were in attendance.

The stories that I heard are just simply atrocious. They're unimaginable. It would be just vulgar to detail them on this message board.

And so I know for a fact that you cannot disclose molestation to a counselor without said counselor at least recommending contacting authorities. If the victim is a minor, then the counselor is obligated to contact the authorities.

And that is how I can guess with a very high rate of probability have neither vedderlution nor Is it Just My Way have seen a therapist about said abuse.

And if neither of them have done such, then all of you need to STFU because you're really just enabling their victim mentality.

It's childhood trauma 101. One does not need to be a fucking psychiatrist to know this shit.

oh, i see, you were a psych MINOR in college and that qualifies you to make sweeping generalizations about victims of some of the worst crimes out there. isitjustmyway most likely went to the police very recenetly... molested at 7 and afraid to speak about it... probably becos of cold-hearted bastards like you that think they are weak and shoulda just "sucked it up". you're telling a 7 year old they're a coward for not going to the police behind their parents? by the time they were old enough to report, the evidence is gone and it's one person's word against another's.

also, the fact that a number of people in this thread have firsthand experience dealing with sexual abuse (not your pampered rich suburban resume building sit-ins on group therapy) and completely disagree with you lends some weight to those of us who say you're a pretty horrible person.

lastly, psychiatrists are legally prohibited from breaking confidence unless their patient poses a direct and imminent threat to another human being.

sponger

soulsinging wrote:

oh, i see, you were a psych MINOR in college and that qualifies you to make sweeping generalizations about victims of some of the worst crimes out there.

You have no idea about that which you are speaking of. The following is an example of how.

isitjustmyway most likely went to the police very recenetly... molested at 7 and afraid to speak about it... probably becos of cold-hearted bastards like you that think they are weak and shoulda just "sucked it up". you're telling a 7 year old they're a coward for not going to the police behind their parents? by the time they were old enough to report, the evidence is gone and it's one person's word against another's.

She said, "I have been silent for 23 years." She didn't say, "I had been silent..." Understand the difference? Are you sure? Read it again if you don't.

Secondly, I didn't say she is a coward for not going to the police at age 7. I said she is partly repsonsible ever since the day she DECIDED to not go the police. At age seven, she is not capable of making that decision, and is therefore excluded from that statement by default. Later in life when she has a full grasp between the right and wrong of the situation, she has that ability to make that decision.

You put words in my mouth, but that is a tendency of yours I'm beginning to notice more often.

also, the fact that a number of people in this thread have firsthand experience dealing with sexual abuse (not your pampered rich suburban resume building sit-ins on group therapy) and completely disagree with you lends some weight to those of us who say you're a pretty horrible person.

Of those people, all but one were actual victims. Only one of them, hippiemom, claimed to exerience with counseling on this subject. And we don't fully know her background on this sort of thing anyway. So moot point.

lastly, psychiatrists are legally prohibited from breaking confidence unless their patient poses a direct and imminent threat to another human being.

Wrong.


http://www.kasap.org/reporting.asp

Of course. This is all common sense to me as I've seen this scenario played out over and over again. How many times have you even heard about this type of thing other than on a message board?

genie

the fucker wanted to lay his own demons to rest, and it is why he wrote her apology letter.
she has forgiven him for attacking her?? :eek:
well sometimes it is the way to move forward, but still i would not forgive anyone anything like this, i'd seek justice to the end and make an attacker's life a misery forever......

i don't understand did he serve only two years in prison?

mammasan

sponger wrote:

We've all had our rough childhoods. Sometimes people just need to suck it up and do the right thing instead of sniveling about it on a message board and then acting as though they are still being victimized to this day.

First of all, I'm calling bullshit on Is it Just My Way.

She said she has been silent for 23 years, yet she is 30 years old.

This means she went to the police at age 7? She went to the police, screamed molestation, and was told to go fuck herself?

I don't buy it. Unless Australia is significantly different from the US, no law enforcement person in their right mind would blow off a 7 year old going straight to the police to accuse a person of molestation.

And how many 7 year olds actually find the strength to the call the police?

That's why she contradicted herself. She really never has gone to the police, but then later changed her story to justify in her mind just how much of a victim she still is. It's a "No, sponger, it really is hopeless. You have to believe me," kind of mentality that is the mantra of victims who refuse to appropriately deal with their suffering.

So, again, Is It Just My Way, you are full of shit.

I am no counselor, but I did quite a bit of extracurricular activities for my psych minor in college, which included sitting in on group therapy sessions with the permission of all who were in attendance.

The stories that I heard are just simply atrocious. They're unimaginable. It would be just vulgar to detail them on this message board.

And so I know for a fact that you cannot disclose molestation to a counselor without said counselor at least recommending contacting authorities. If the victim is a minor, then the counselor is obligated to contact the authorities.

And that is how I can guess with a very high rate of probability have neither vedderlution nor Is it Just My Way have seen a therapist about said abuse.

And if neither of them have done such, then all of you need to STFU because you're really just enabling their victim mentality.

It's childhood trauma 101. One does not need to be a fucking psychiatrist to know this shit.

I'm not one to resort to personal attacks, but you are one big fucking prick. Unless you have walked a mile in these people's shoes you have no right criticizing the way they handled their abuse.

soulsinging

sponger wrote:

She said, "I have been silent for 23 years." She didn't say, "I had been silent..." Understand the difference? Are you sure? Read it again if you don't.

Secondly, I didn't say she is a coward for not going to the police at age 7. I said she is partly repsonsible ever since the day she DECIDED to not go the police. At age seven, she is not capable of making that decision, and is therefore excluded from that statement by default. Later in life when she has a full grasp between the right and wrong of the situation, she has that ability to make that decision.

http://www.kasap.org/reporting.asp

Of course. This is all common sense to me as I've seen this scenario played out over and over again. How many times have you even heard about this type of thing other than on a message board?

yes, nobody has ever made a grammatical error on a msg board before in an emotional state.

i put no words in your mouth, you clearly called her a coward for failing to report. as a psych major, you should know more about the psychological trauma sexual abuse can inflict upon the victim. it robs them of their identity and ability to make strong choices in many instances. as evidenced by a number of victims and the counselors. i know hippiemom's background, but it is not for me to explain it to you. however, i notice that you do not deny that you've never been abused, never known anyone who has, and only have as much experience as your pampered undergrad volunteer sessions gave you. what'd you take... 20 credit hours? yeah, clearly you know far more than the collective wisdom of all the people on here who ahve dealt with the issue.

and yes, i know people outside this forum who have been abused.

and yeehaw, kentucky enacted certain stricter laws stricter... as far as i can see, however, the only particular mention of licensed counselors is that they cannot hide behind privilege when called to testify or offer evidence.