Attacker's apology revives a victim's nightmare
SuzannePjam
Posts: 411
I'm curious to see what you all think of this story and what this attacker's written apology to his victim 20 years later prompted her to do. I agree with her actions 100%.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17286971/
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17286971/
"Where there is sacrifice there is someone collecting the sacrificial offerings."-- Ayn Rand
"Some of my friends sit around every evening and they worry about the times ahead,
But everybody else is overwhelmed by indifference and the promise of an early bed..."-- Elvis Costello
"Some of my friends sit around every evening and they worry about the times ahead,
But everybody else is overwhelmed by indifference and the promise of an early bed..."-- Elvis Costello
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I agree with her actions 100% as well. In the Loose Change thread toward the end (page 7) there is discussion about forgiveness. I think the Christians in the article calling for this woman to forgive the guy should be ashamed of themselves. She did exactly the right thing. That fucker raped her. His apology had nothing to do with helping her, it was a selfish act on his part. He "prayed about it"? Good lord. If his god told him to continue to abuse the woman with his apology so that he could get past Step 9, then his god is an asshole, too.
What?! Is this something that is detailed in another thread?
http://forums.pearljam.com/showthread.php?t=272825
Hmm? I'm confused
i agree with her actions too. one of the cornerstones of 9th step work is total honesty and acceptane of the consequences. they are not about making yourself better, but righting the wrongs of the past. it seems this was mostly about assauging his guilt... i cant imagine what he thought he could ever do to right that. furthermore, the way he downplayed what happened shows he wasn't all that into an honest assessment of the situation. it's a sick situation. if he'd wanted to help he'd have either given her a full apology and complete honesty and accepted what followed, or he'd have left her alone instead of reopening that wound for her to ease his conscience.
i think sponger is wondering if you've discussed this elsewhere... im equally curious why you would go home to someone who would have something like that to you.
That seems like a pretty crazy story. I want to hear more.
http://forums.pearljam.com/showthread.php?t=272825
i dont think compulsions like that ever really totally go away. but man... i dont know if i could keep that charade up.
Man, I couldn't imagine what it'd be like if the motherfucker was an actual family member. Don't think I'd be able to handle that one.
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I'd say there's a pretty good chance that you aren't his only victim. The longer you keep it a secret, the longer the victimization will continue. He is out there destroying lives. You need to call the police and destroy his.
http://forums.pearljam.com/showthread.php?t=272825
They forgave him, but we will never know if they would've let him escape justice had he lived.
http://forums.pearljam.com/showthread.php?t=272825
i truly believe they would have. the amish, whatever else you have to say about them, truly put their money where their mouth is.
i dont think trying to add to his guilt is going to help his situation. he's made a difficult choice to handle a tragic set of circumstances in a way he feels is best for him. i dont think it's for any of us to tell him he should do otherwise becos we would, let alone tell him his choice is responsible for hurting other people.
Oh man. On this board for four years and people still don't know I'm a dude.
I'm going on record now:
I have a penis and i like using it!
No offense taken by the way, I have a pretty good sense of humor.
So, you have examples of the amish being murder victims, and then calling for the murderer to be released.
http://forums.pearljam.com/showthread.php?t=272825
So, we should just let him feel comfortable with letting some child molester possibly continue to molest other children because that's what he feels "comfortable" with. You think child molesters should walk free when doing so helps one of his victims feel better.
http://forums.pearljam.com/showthread.php?t=272825
On average every abuser has 12 victims. I know it sounds simple to say just call the police and get justice, but its never that easy. In my case i have stayed silent for 23 years, i could not cope with the loss of love from my family and i choose to keep that rather than tear my family apart, it is extremely hard when the abuser is a family member like mine is. I cant speak for Vedderlution_Baby! however for myself there is no way i could go to the police, let alone have to tell my father that at the age of 7 i endured the worst kind of treatment that any person can do to another.
I certainly know now that there is nothing that can be done, no physical evidence now, just one persons word against another's, and let me tell you there is much more pain associated with being denied the simple acknowledgment by your attacker that it even happened.
In a perfect world these evil vile people would be bought to justice, they have no idea what its like to live in fear of your memories, however we all know we don't live in a perfect world.
When one victim comes forward, there's often a tendency for other victims to forward. Child molestation allegations, even when gone unproven, tend to leave a black mark on the accused anyway.
Again, this is a case of you and Vedderlution being perfectly OK with a child molester continuing his victimization of others because it's just too painful to take a stand.
http://forums.pearljam.com/showthread.php?t=272825
I guess you will never know unless you are in your own situation. I could never tell another person what to do, or try make them feel guilty for something they have no control over. You don't know what a person has gone through, what they may still go through and i think its extremely unfair of you to tell people they are taking the easy way out, or that they are OK with what's happened to them. It's a fate worse than death.
Every person's case is different. I have been to the police, nothing can be done, nothing. I will not ruin another part of my life by having my family take sides if they knew what happened, you are always going to have people not believe you. and no i am not prepared to take that chance, and how dare you assume i am OK with what happened to me, or what probably happened to others.
Really? But you said this in an earlier post:
You're right I don't know what it's like to be a victim of molestation. But, the very thought of a child being molested makes my blood boil beyond temperatures found on the surface of the sun.
At any rate, if you were to say, seek help from a counselor, that counselor would be under obligation to report this incident even if said counselor "doesn't know it's like." This is because this victimization that you suffered is horrible and it is probably happening to other children. Think of all the children that these priests have been molesting over the years. They were all afraid to speak out because of the stranglehold that the church has on the minds of those who attend it. There is no excuse for allowing that behavior to continue. The "you don't know what it's like" card is just sickening. You are partly to blame for every child that person has molested from the day you decided to keep silent.
http://forums.pearljam.com/showthread.php?t=272825
Sorry to not clarify in the earlier post, "for myself there is no way i could go to the police" statement i meant that there is nothing the police can do so it is a mute point. being silent within my family. My abuser is a family member, and therefore it makes life very hard, i cannot tell my extended family unless i want to rip them apart, and no I'm not willing to do that.
Please don't get me wrong, i too hate the thought of any child out there suffering like i did. You think i want what happened to me to happen to another child? Tell me how i could stop it happening again? I cant rely on police, I cant go to them for help, they cant help me, they have told me nothing can be done.
Me speaking out will only destroy my family not bringing my particular perpetrator to any sort of justice. I cannot speak out for those being raped or abused by priests, that is not my situation so i cannot comment on that, therefore has no bearing to my particular situation.
I am not playing the " you don't know what its like card" for all i know you may of had a similar experience, what I'm saying is every persons situation is different, and no one can say what is right for any other, whether it be you or me. You don't know what each individual persons situation is like, I don't know what each person's situation is like, is what I'm saying. I am simply telling my reasons for staying silent in my family. Nothing can be done, it will not bring my abuser to any justice, the police can do nothing i can't rely on them for justice.
I don't know what kind of counselor you are referring to. Do you mean school counselor? we don't have them here and I'm not sure if a school counselor is mandated to report such things. A normal Psychologist/Counselor is unable to reveal anything that is said between them and their client, thats the law.
I'm sorry but i find your comments sickening, to say that I'm partly to blame for any other child being molested, it's absurd to blame another person for someone else's actions. When i was a child i did not choose to keep silent i was threatened and therefore frightened beyond anything i could imagine, a 7 year old does not understand such things, yes i'm an adult now and i can tell you this much i in no way feel guilty for staying silent, i feel guilty for living, but thats it.
Maybe i should not say anymore it is a very emotional issue and we both will not change our views, so there is no point in debating this and having someone tell me i am to blame for any other abuses that may of taken place.
Also, it seems people get an idealized perception of how we can solve the situation for others by going to the police, not realizing that to do so, at the expense of throwing your own life into worse victimization and hurting many others may not a good move for you or others at varying stages of healing. You and others like Vedderlution_Baby are those who have been assaulted unfairly, and to continue holding you accountable for actions you do not control is not acceptable. Reason tells me that you have already bore the brunt of your assaulter's actions and that it's not okay to in any way ask you to bear anymore. I commend you for listening to your intuition and developing your own insights into what is right for you. It can't be easy dealing with what you've been through and keeping it together within your family. That you've done so is amazing to me. I hope you have ways to release the past and what's happened, through journalling, counselling, talking with others, etc. Peace.
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I think this statement is on par with blaming the victim for being raped. I'm really at a loss of words, to be honest. Unless you've been there, you really have no authority to make such statements. Blaming the victim for the actions of their abuser........nice :rolleyes:
A far as the issue at hand, I do not see a problem with what this woman did. I believe soulsinging mentioned it earlier, but one of the tenets of AA or NA is to accept responsibility for one's previous actions. The apology means nothing unless the individual is ready & willing to be held accountable for past wrongs. This woman's willingness to forgive is a separate issue from the man being held responsible for his actions.
but the illusion of knowledge.
~Daniel Boorstin
Only a life lived for others is worth living.
~Albert Einstein
You have no idea what you are talking about.
Just be thankful you are not in that position and be respectful of someone who has undergone such tragedy and survived.
my bad... sorry! the rest of my post still stands though... ill change it.
i think you cannot tell someone how they should be respond to something you know nothing about.
ah, for a second there i thought you were an expert on healthy ways for sexual harassment victims to respond to their abuse. whew! now i know i was right and you're just talking out your self-righteous ass.