challenge

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  • justam
    justam Posts: 21,415
    I'm impressed by those of you who can be expressive within these confines. I find it most difficult.
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  • olderman
    olderman Posts: 1,765
    plagiarized from mr finsburyparkcarrots' thread "opheila's nun"

    this is a sonnet .. it is beautiful

    NEW POEM

    I know now those long shadows on the shore
    of seaward gulls like arrows on the sand
    and on the surf's green shallows came before
    my first walk on this shattered ocean band.
    I know those shadows fell upon the trail
    of my proud fathers as they looked beyond
    the racking waters, dreaming of a sail
    to free them from the famine of the land.
    Now I, with them, will build my ship and go
    and leave my shadowed ground once and for all
    to pass where sunpulse motions make the flow
    of gently rippling guidings to the call
    of one beyond the wave, a woman true
    and beautiful, a life revealed and new.

    thanks mr carrots!! and if you don't want me to do this again, just pm me and send me a pint!!
    Down the street you can hear her scream youre a disgrace
    As she slams the door in his drunken face
    And now he stands outside
    And all the neighbours start to gossip and drool
    He cries oh, girl you must be mad,
    What happened to the sweet love you and me had?
    Against the door he leans and starts a scene,
    And his tears fall and burn the garden green
  • olderman
    olderman Posts: 1,765
    i walked upon the eastern shore with sand
    hot between my toes as the salt filled air
    filled my senses, consumed me with her hand
    her touch was soft like dream whipped cream tis fair
    she sang of love and weather in love's grasp
    neither hides amongst rocks along the reef
    nor washes to shore in clumps of sea grass
    yet must be found for these are my belief -

    while love's box is replete - songs of merry days,
    the beach is a good walk for remembrance
    of love in the past, so much is sweet lust
    bring on the surf and the sharp sting of rays
    from the jelly fish, whose transluscence
    invades my senses, yet, for now, i trust
    Down the street you can hear her scream youre a disgrace
    As she slams the door in his drunken face
    And now he stands outside
    And all the neighbours start to gossip and drool
    He cries oh, girl you must be mad,
    What happened to the sweet love you and me had?
    Against the door he leans and starts a scene,
    And his tears fall and burn the garden green
  • ISN
    ISN Posts: 1,700
    I know now those long shadows on the shore
    of seaward gulls like arrows on the sand
    and on the surf's green shallows came before
    my first walk on this shattered ocean band.
    I know those shadows fell upon the trail
    of my proud fathers as they looked beyond
    the racking waters, dreaming of a sail
    to free them from the famine of the land.
    Now I, with them, will build my ship and go
    and leave my shadowed ground once and for all
    to pass where sunpulse motions make the flow
    of gently rippling guidings to the call
    of one beyond the wave, a woman true
    and beautiful, a life revealed and new.

    this is sublime.....and the fact that it's about my ireland, brings a rush of blood to the heart.....
    ....they're asking me to prove why I should be allowed to stay with my baby in Australia, because I'm mentally ill......and they think I should leave......
  • ISN
    ISN Posts: 1,700
    excuse the stupid metre....

    dusted out my brain and then in vain I thought
    for two days crying (dying as I died again)
    there were shadows that took longer and that wrought
    an unctious sighing as the drying of my pen
    performed a formless circle on the page, I raged
    and all my caged emotions mapped a pale around my eyes
    a don't come here....a stale attraction had engaged
    my outskirts...and a flirt with suicide when ties
    are chains and grains of sand are practically dripping
    ripping pages from my life....and wanting his knife
    yet to protect me as I barely see him dreaming...slipping
    in my memory.....taking me and making me his wife
    the sea knows all my thoughts and feelings and endeavours
    and the sun accounts my woes and throws as every sorrow severs
    ....they're asking me to prove why I should be allowed to stay with my baby in Australia, because I'm mentally ill......and they think I should leave......
  • FinsburyParkCarrots
    FinsburyParkCarrots Seattle, WA Posts: 12,223
    Originally posted by ISN
    excuse the stupid metre....

    dusted out my brain and then in vain I thought
    for two days crying (dying as I died again)
    there were shadows that took longer and that wrought
    an unctious sighing as the drying of my pen
    performed a formless circle on the page, I raged
    and all my caged emotions mapped a pale around my eyes
    a don't come here....a stale attraction had engaged
    my outskirts...and a flirt with suicide when ties
    are chains and grains of sand are practically dripping
    ripping pages from my life....and wanting his knife
    yet to protect me as I barely see him dreaming...slipping
    in my memory.....taking me and making me his wife
    the sea knows all my thoughts and feelings and endeavours
    and the sun accounts my woes and throws as every sorrow severs

    Patrick Kavanagh always played with the sonnet metre (e.g: "Come Dance With Kitty Stobling"). This is in that grand tradition.

    This is very direct and emotive and is actually the closest thing I've seen in theme, if not form, to a Renaissance sonnet on this thread so far, in that it is a psychological document, deeply internalised but expressively imagistic in conveying the landscape of heart and mind.

    Thanks.

    I always wonder what ISN stands for! :D
  • ISN
    ISN Posts: 1,700
    thanks....Finsbury...it stands for inverted supernova
    ....they're asking me to prove why I should be allowed to stay with my baby in Australia, because I'm mentally ill......and they think I should leave......
  • FinsburyParkCarrots
    FinsburyParkCarrots Seattle, WA Posts: 12,223
    Just bumping this great thread of olderman's up for ExTReMe FrEAk and all the exciting new poets here!:)
  • ExTReMe FrEAk
    ExTReMe FrEAk Posts: 118
    Gentle is the sea as a gust blows by
    Calm and beautiful is this barren reef
    Nothing for miles but the calm wave’s lies
    As I look up, I see a cold storm breathe
    Churning and lashing, the seas are angered
    Sing softly Manannan, lend me your hand
    Your tricks and illusion bring us danger
    The hull is cracked, is this your great plan
    The rain felt cooler now, as did on our heads
    We drink beauty of our long journeys end
    She, who is our mistress, puts us to bed
    Manannan Mac Lir, now truly our friend
    Bitter water, had then touched my lips
    The spark within me, now comes to grips
    Chasing a trail of smoke and reason.
  • ISN
    ISN Posts: 1,700
    Lir.....what does that mean?

    it's Irish from a myth or something.....or am I getting it mixed up with Tir na Og or Leda
    ....they're asking me to prove why I should be allowed to stay with my baby in Australia, because I'm mentally ill......and they think I should leave......
  • FinsburyParkCarrots
    FinsburyParkCarrots Seattle, WA Posts: 12,223
    Originally posted by ISN
    Lir.....what does that mean?

    it's Irish from a myth or something.....or am I getting it mixed up with Tir na Og or Leda

    You know the legend of the daughters of Lir? Yes, there are swans in that story too. I'll find a link for you.

    The story of Leda and the Swan is from Greek mythology. And Yeats wrote a great poem about that.
  • FinsburyParkCarrots
    FinsburyParkCarrots Seattle, WA Posts: 12,223
    http://www.ireland-information.com/articles/thechildrenoflir.htm
  • ExTReMe FrEAk
    ExTReMe FrEAk Posts: 118
    Lir is a Celtic god which no one could communicate with. Manannan Mac Lir means Manannan,Son of the Sea. Manannan was Lir's child, and the god of sea and illusions, he is a great god though. He is also the god of the Sidhe (Practically heaven on earth).

    Sorry for the crap factor of that sonnet, I guess I wasn't feeling it enough.
    Chasing a trail of smoke and reason.
  • FinsburyParkCarrots
    FinsburyParkCarrots Seattle, WA Posts: 12,223
    I liked it. :)
  • ExTReMe FrEAk
    ExTReMe FrEAk Posts: 118
    To specify... it's Celtic and Druid mythology, not Irish... though there were clans in Irland, they were spread pretty thick across most of Europe, and some in Asia... the biggest population was in the Netherlands region.

    I like my Celtic and Druid mythology. One of my most powerful past lives took place in the England area.. and I was a druid, one of the first. But I'll save that for some poetry later.
    Chasing a trail of smoke and reason.
  • FinsburyParkCarrots
    FinsburyParkCarrots Seattle, WA Posts: 12,223
    The story of Lir is the Irish cognate of the Welsh story of Llyr.
  • Ms. Haiku
    Ms. Haiku Washington DC Posts: 7,390
    I'm going to try my hand at a more formal approach to the sonnet. My legends will be based on suburban New Jersey or what Bruce Springsteen wrote about in his earlier records. I'm looking forward to this!
    There is no such thing as leftover pizza. There is now pizza and later pizza. - anonymous
    The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math - The Mincing Mockingbird
  • FinsburyParkCarrots
    FinsburyParkCarrots Seattle, WA Posts: 12,223
    He said, "I'll write an overview to show
    a panorama of the lack of God
    across an island; they will know me now
    to be a poet-seer, one who'll plod
    the boulevards and office blocks to make
    my document on how the greed of man
    stalks plastic satisfaction in the wake
    of science. Shaming fakery's my plan."

    You say, "And when your cupboard's bare and cold,
    and when the lightbulb pops and flies are blind,
    and when the mirror rots with spots of mould,
    and when the broken window screams the wind,
    Will you build, in 'challenging', a land,
    a notion that the ones with money planned?"
  • ExTReMe FrEAk
    ExTReMe FrEAk Posts: 118
    This is from my other thread

    The night cries out for a glimpse of day light
    As the day begs for a time which it slept
    Since before our lives the sun has been bright
    And the dew in the dark has always crept
    Lives passed and came at their own willingness
    Yet it seems I have always remained here
    Light brings warmth, night brings comforting caress
    Sitting by two powers brings on some wear
    I feel as though my age is catching me
    Aches and pains from mysterious places
    Oh in my youth, I truly had been free
    If I could just flip back a few pages
    When I have become youthful forever
    Light and Dark, we’ll always be together
    Chasing a trail of smoke and reason.
  • olderman
    olderman Posts: 1,765
    Originally posted by ExTReMe FrEAk
    This is from my other thread

    The night cries out for a glimpse of day light
    As the day begs for a time which it slept
    Since before our lives the sun has been bright
    And the dew in the dark has always crept
    Lives passed and came at their own willingness
    Yet it seems I have always remained here
    Light brings warmth, night brings comforting caress
    Sitting by two powers brings on some wear
    I feel as though my age is catching me
    Aches and pains from mysterious places
    Oh in my youth, I truly had been free
    If I could just flip back a few pages
    When I have become youthful forever
    Light and Dark, we’ll always be together

    as an olderman i can certainly relate and i thank the ExTReMe FrEAk for his sonnet :)
    Down the street you can hear her scream youre a disgrace
    As she slams the door in his drunken face
    And now he stands outside
    And all the neighbours start to gossip and drool
    He cries oh, girl you must be mad,
    What happened to the sweet love you and me had?
    Against the door he leans and starts a scene,
    And his tears fall and burn the garden green

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