challenge

Being Enlightened

olderman wrote:

i walked a strangers path of heated sand,
a burros trail lined with rose red cactii,
the gypsies way to avoid guardia grand
de sevilla and franco's killers nigh,
andalusia's distinct aroma,
pill box remnants of war along beaches,
oily vessels darken the bubbled foam,
whilst remnants of moorish inward teaches

the gypsy that he lost his land long ago,
a freedom born of freedom still taken
away as is the way it seems to be
among those who wish to traverse a slow
long trail of hot sand in a land forsaken,
just a ditty, a remnant by the sea......

Just excellent!

Some wonderful reads in here. I love to read these! It's wonderful to see folks who are able to do such a great job! 'Specially since I pretty much never have any sort of style or form. Kudos!

Kovo

Just reading old threads, and thought I'd try at this. Here's an Elizabethan sonnet I had to write a month or 2 ago.

Will you not tell me how to gain your love?
Must I fight this fight that cannot be won?
Could it be a sign from high above?
Without you by my side there is no sun.
And if I take your hand and hold it tight,
Take you in my arms to keep,
And promise that our love would outlast the night,
Would tou return the love and embrace me?
Or could you take me and our love as true,
And follow yout heart and let our love be?
In my life I'll dream, think, and live for you.
Sometimes my heart cannot find the right way,
But I know my path when we share the day.

ISN

I love those old-fashioned sonnets....gotta re-read this one......where did you come from.....? hello!!!!!

ISN

just with scansion 'outlast' is wrong.....but I can't think of another word.....maybe 'beat'.......

ISN

(plus it might be better with 'take you in my arms to hold and keep')

please correct this abundantly.....I wrote it quickly.....and I think I should have worked on it a bit longer....

dreaming and waking sometimes blend
the dreams are luscious visions
and the waking takes me to the end
of sleep where then divisions
part me from the night
and day is here with foggy thoughts
and reluctant welcoming of light
in dreams which catch me, I am caught
but never, though the sun may try, can day
relieve me of the evenescent cloud
which leaves my mind like a lone child at play
or like a puppy let loose from teh pound
so wondrous and so near to happiness
if waking is so much, I can take less

FinsburyParkCarrots

It fits the Shakespearean ababacdcdefefgg rhyme scheme, ISN. I wouldn't worry too much about the metre: Patrick Kavanagh's canal bank sonnets were fairly free in metre and syllable length.

Kovo

ISN, thanks for the input No one else that read it would tell me its flaws.
And hello!!

ISN

I wouldn't call them flaws.....maybe jaws of death!!!!! hello....welcome to hell....!!!!! hahahahahahahahahahahah (evil laugh) kidding.....I'm so happy.....I got the love thang going on today....an I jus got a pm....icq....

darkman

i seek you
when the sun is down and life seems to stand still
all i need do is let my mind drift to a warmer clime
and another time
a land far off and a woman seemingly out of reach
dreams of love and companionship in a place called oz
in happier times

ISN

that sounds like the future.....(not a sonnet....hehehehe) hey....new guy!!!! welcome....it's all a bit hectic in here.....but only on Fridays.....

darkman

Good thing it's Thursday then

Sonnet.....bonnet....want it?

olderman

i flew into a field of golden wheat,
only to find a dirt patch underneath,
shaken thru, understood at once this feat,
panic stricken flailing my wings beneath
a kansas sky of blues and daylight heat,
scratching the clay kept moistned as a sheath,
heart beats patterned as the path of my feet,
imprinted - the wet, soft life will bequeath,

while in distant wind run three dogs pointing,
my doom determined by my flight's landing,
this hell i've found is but my annointing,
there is no chance, no i'll not be standing,
hunter's gun is loaded, fingers itching,
certain i'll die - so quite is my twitching.

ISN

great sonnet.....better than a bonnet.....I want it.....hehehehe.....

I like it olderman - I would recommend two changes.....

the addition of a word in the first, and the deletion of a word in the second....

my own annointing

so quiet my twitching.....

but, I say, gimme more!!!!

olderman

ISN wrote:

great sonnet.....better than a bonnet.....I want it.....hehehehe.....

I like it olderman - I would recommend two changes.....

the addition of a word in the first, and the deletion of a word in the second....

my own annointing

so quiet my twitching.....

but, I say, gimme more!!!!

thank you ISN.. your input is always appreciated ..

BTW, i like to read your poetry as well. thanks again

olderman

still the sky shines bright in this summer swoon,
sizzles the skin beneath skin singed - i've read
poems of poppies popping powder spoon,
geographic temptress testifies instead,
concerning matters of much importance,
draws a line of portent, laughing - yet cries
for the lover and lovers, the last chance
swiftly overcomes her life of sad lies.

salted serpent sells skin for a sizzle,
choco chisels chronic chips of crushes,
for sale skittles to sugar the flavor,
laughter of one million drops of drizzle,
comes a time i've spent in search of bushes,
moments the which i will fully savor.

Kwyjibo

Terror Walking Home

Tonight this sickly air feels sinister.
I breath it in the dust, sticky and sheer.
In the distance I see their cigarettes flicker
And through the smoke they smell my fear.
The streetlight above flutters like a strobe
Their awkward motions all lurch and stutter
They get closer and closer–their legs never move.
Surrounding me, hemorrhaging from the gutters.

The inconsistent bulb finally explodes
And the only light now is the burning eyes–
They aren’t red like I’ve come to hope–
Nor is their clothing black–a deft disguise.
The ones that hurt you with the most spite–
Are the ones who dress in white.

ISN

very GOOD......I wanted to get some kind of tone into my very good, which is why I capitalized good.......like this is something I've been waiting for......or maybe it's because I use emphatic tones with my baby to help him understand.....

olderman

Kwyjibo wrote:

Terror Walking Home

Tonight this sickly air feels sinister.
I breath it in the dust, sticky and sheer.
In the distance I see their cigarettes flicker
And through the smoke they smell my fear.
The streetlight above flutters like a strobe
Their awkward motions all lurch and stutter
They get closer and closer–their legs never move.
Surrounding me, hemorrhaging from the gutters.

The inconsistent bulb finally explodes
And the only light now is the burning eyes–
They aren’t red like I’ve come to hope–
Nor is their clothing black–a deft disguise.
The ones that hurt you with the most spite–
Are the ones who dress in white.

missing you kwyjibo. where did you go?

anybody else up for writing a sonnet?

olderman

birthday candles flare brightly, cling to hope,
everlasting celebrations melted,
running wax, wisp of smoke from burning rope,
never casting depressive moods, smelted
iron ore cuts the cake, stainless it's appeal
as clean slices of children's smiles, glee
fills the photographs, images real,
moments captured still, precious times for me

she skips the rope fantastic, growing up
before my eyes, love's girl always my
daughter, has become so wise a woman,
graduation cake, candles, drink a cup
of kind words, it's all i could teach or cry,
fleeting sadness, light the candles of sand

olderman

thin air left to the mass of cold mounts a charge up the hill,
sins of an heir clefts hard as my cacaphonous bird call
escapes form and cleaves a new path, free still
to lift the veil of life, tooth and claw,
peer now into the core of the abyss, dark frames of light,
hold my hand from beginning to end, walk with me awhile,
talk with me about you, confront your fears on this dark night,
lust with me, trust my ways, streams flow synchopated style.

feed your heart with loving kindness, scream softly in the dark,
feel me start this moving likeness, dream nightly my sweet lark.