Separating/Divorcing-Anyone in the process?

pearljgirl2010 · January 2011

mickeyrat wrote:

For those just starting this process, know that you will in fact come through this. time takes as long as it needs. one day you'll wake up and notice something is different. until that day, feel what you feel. allow the grief process to take its natural course. its a circular process , these 5 stages of grief, not linear as thought they might be. in time you'll come to appreciate everything that went before. hopefully you'll have gained some insight into yourself and will grow from the experience.

very good point about the stages of grief...when we were talking to our counselor and told her that had made the decision to get divorced, I just couldn't stop crying, even though I knew it was the right decision. The counselor said that I was mourning the loss of our relationship and failed marriage. For me, it was hard admit that I failed at this and even harder to realize that I was not part of that not-so-pleasant statistic of divorcees.

BhagavadGita · February 2011

I know I also sometimes feel like a failure at relationships. One marriage, one long term commitment. Now I find myself alone for first time in 13 years.

He kept the house, the dog, the junker cars. I got to get this fabulous apartment but there is an evil twist to this story. I have anxiety disorder and my partner dealt with that for many years. Many years were good too.

I had an anxiety attack one morning when he just would not talk to me. He would not communicate at all. He never could. He locked his bedroom door and stayed in there. I being myself, should have gone into that room and ask him to open the door and lay down with him and cry together about the breakup. I was sure we were going to be friends after it was all over.

He wouldn't open the door. So in my despair to talk about the details of the breakup who would get what, I felt he was ignoring me, I dumped my house plants in front of the bedroom door.

The turn coat called the police thinking I needed to go to hospital due to my mood. He did that a lot. Called me sick, which triggered me a great deal. I have had to go to hospital in ambulance before but he always stood by me. Always, the best caretaker in the world.

But this morning, the police arrived. They saw the dirt on the floor and called it property damage and the bastards took me to the county jail! Not the hospital..they put me on a psych ward in jail! Why do they put sick people in jail? It was horrific. I just lay in a isolation cell in shock and disgust of my behavior that often I can't control. A dear friend came to visit and said everything was going to be ok.

I know he had no intention of the police taking me to jail and he was very upset calling my friends and everyone rallying together..but while in the jail, he served me no contact order for a year. He did not want to break up in a mature way and divide the items in the house and take care of the dog together, he succeeded in not having to deal with saying I want to finally break up...the city served a no contact.

I was heart broken. I attend spiritual services with him on Sundays and he went against everything we believe about loving kindness. He could not face me. Now my friends have to intermediate to talk to him so i can move my stuff out. He won't even look at me or see me. I don't really want to see him who would. What man would not come out of that room and say, honey it's over, let's move on and always cherish each other.

I guess since I have an illness he didn't want me. After jail a friend took me in for two weeks in her single wide trailer. I woke up every morning and every night wishing I could tell my best friend what happened in my day. He has been there everyday for 13 years. This fucking hurts. The no contact order is like pouring salt in my wounds.

All his friends have gone off with him since he is a drummer in a band and has like a million friends. I have two.

I love my new apartment, but underneath the newness is the feeling of abandonment, failure, feeling like I want to be dead and the disbelief that he would not end it the proper way. It makes me think there is another woman because he won't see me for year. By then hopefully I will be over this abuse. I will never be friends with him. Funny, I always wondered why when he saw his ex love from high school whom he dated for 4 years, they would never say hello to each other. Must be that in the end he is a scoundrel and the women he uses to get ahead turn out to despise him.

Why can't people just talk? Why fight? Why throw things? He was incapable of talking but it's hard not to feel like some leper now. My poor friend is almost drained by being the go between the two of us. It's so ridiculous when she is talking about packing kitchen and he is asking her to ask me if I want the pizza cutter! WTF.

I don't know if I will ever be in a relationship again. I'm going on 50 and how many men want a woman that can't produce babies anymore.......and underneath the red hair is gray and I know this. I know there is dignity in being alone and strong, but frankly, I'm going to miss someone coming home from work. Just knowing that he was coming home, always made me feel safe. Now I wake up to just me. No more good mornings, no hugs, no talking to the dog like he was our child.

I know there are 3 stages of grief, shock/protest, deep despair and reorganization/renewal... I'm afraid I'm in the deep despair part.

Since he took my car from me, I know I might have to start taking bus, which in my life I have never done, and one day he will drive by in his new nice shiny car his mommy bought for him with some new girl and there I will be still struggling to move uphill.

I honestly thought at 47 I would have more than I have now. I certainly never imagined going to jail for an illness and being banished from a friends life. I try hard to go to bed at night and forgive him. I try so hard, but there is hatred mixed in that forgiveness because I can't even speak.....

I have been restrained, that is no way to feel free. I know everyday will get better, but the loneliness may consume me. :silent:

Gibson72 · February 2011

I went through a divorce.
Hard to go through at the time but I have since met an amazing woman (my wife) whom I have 2 amazing kids with (Caleb & Noah).
I wish you the best and hope it all works out in the end.

pandora · February 2011

BhagavadGita wrote:

I know I also sometimes feel like a failure at relationships. One marriage, one long term commitment. Now I find myself alone for first time in 13 years.

He kept the house, the dog, the junker cars. I got to get this fabulous apartment but there is an evil twist to this story. I have anxiety disorder and my partner dealt with that for many years. Many years were good too.

I had an anxiety attack one morning when he just would not talk to me. He would not communicate at all. He never could. He locked his bedroom door and stayed in there. I being myself, should have gone into that room and ask him to open the door and lay down with him and cry together about the breakup. I was sure we were going to be friends after it was all over.

He wouldn't open the door. So in my despair to talk about the details of the breakup who would get what, I felt he was ignoring me, I dumped my house plants in front of the bedroom door.

The turn coat called the police thinking I needed to go to hospital due to my mood. He did that a lot. Called me sick, which triggered me a great deal. I have had to go to hospital in ambulance before but he always stood by me. Always, the best caretaker in the world.

But this morning, the police arrived. They saw the dirt on the floor and called it property damage and the bastards took me to the county jail! Not the hospital..they put me on a psych ward in jail! Why do they put sick people in jail? It was horrific. I just lay in a isolation cell in shock and disgust of my behavior that often I can't control. A dear friend came to visit and said everything was going to be ok.

I know he had no intention of the police taking me to jail and he was very upset calling my friends and everyone rallying together..but while in the jail, he served me no contact order for a year. He did not want to break up in a mature way and divide the items in the house and take care of the dog together, he succeeded in not having to deal with saying I want to finally break up...the city served a no contact.

I was heart broken. I attend spiritual services with him on Sundays and he went against everything we believe about loving kindness. He could not face me. Now my friends have to intermediate to talk to him so i can move my stuff out. He won't even look at me or see me. I don't really want to see him who would. What man would not come out of that room and say, honey it's over, let's move on and always cherish each other.

I guess since I have an illness he didn't want me. After jail a friend took me in for two weeks in her single wide trailer. I woke up every morning and every night wishing I could tell my best friend what happened in my day. He has been there everyday for 13 years. This fucking hurts. The no contact order is like pouring salt in my wounds.

All his friends have gone off with him since he is a drummer in a band and has like a million friends. I have two.

I love my new apartment, but underneath the newness is the feeling of abandonment, failure, feeling like I want to be dead and the disbelief that he would not end it the proper way. It makes me think there is another woman because he won't see me for year. By then hopefully I will be over this abuse. I will never be friends with him. Funny, I always wondered why when he saw his ex love from high school whom he dated for 4 years, they would never say hello to each other. Must be that in the end he is a scoundrel and the women he uses to get ahead turn out to despise him.

Why can't people just talk? Why fight? Why throw things? He was incapable of talking but it's hard not to feel like some leper now. My poor friend is almost drained by being the go between the two of us. It's so ridiculous when she is talking about packing kitchen and he is asking her to ask me if I want the pizza cutter! WTF.

I don't know if I will ever be in a relationship again. I'm going on 50 and how many men want a woman that can't produce babies anymore.......and underneath the red hair is gray and I know this. I know there is dignity in being alone and strong, but frankly, I'm going to miss someone coming home from work. Just knowing that he was coming home, always made me feel safe. Now I wake up to just me. No more good mornings, no hugs, no talking to the dog like he was our child.

I know there are 3 stages of grief, shock/protest, deep despair and reorganization/renewal... I'm afraid I'm in the deep despair part.

Since he took my car from me, I know I might have to start taking bus, which in my life I have never done, and one day he will drive by in his new nice shiny car his mommy bought for him with some new girl and there I will be still struggling to move uphill.

I honestly thought at 47 I would have more than I have now. I certainly never imagined going to jail for an illness and being banished from a friends life. I try hard to go to bed at night and forgive him. I try so hard, but there is hatred mixed in that forgiveness because I can't even speak.....

I have been restrained, that is no way to feel free. I know everyday will get better, but the loneliness may consume me. :silent:

You know how I feel about you and coming to know all this I admire you even more!
and I am not alone.

I have been in a safe relationship for over thirty years. Two lasting type relationships in my very young years before that. Being safe like this hasn't tested my inner strength as you are being tested. This path you walk makes you strong, so much stronger than me.
Your anxiety is fear, you don't need to fear, there is a place of peace and love for you.

In reading this, I like many, question your man you have depended on for 13 years.
I have a feeling he was never the man you thought and perhaps very soon if not already
you will be glad to be free of him.

Let yourself be glad and put behind you these terrible last days of the relationship.
It's not really a moving on because you will take it with you on your path.
One day you will turn around though and see it as a lesson learned.

If you have one friend in life you can really count on... count yourself lucky!
that is all thats needed and you have two! Two blessings in your life.

You love your doggie very much but you need a 'greeter' when you come home now and someone out there needs you. Perhaps soon you can save a life and let a dog join yours.
The benefits will be two fold, your lives saving each others, we all need somebody to love.

Lifes journey has many twists and turns, some extremely unpleasant.
In the end though as we look it over we see Someone
had our very best interests at heart, and love surrounded us the whole time.
God Bless you and keep you safe girlfriend...smile again soon.
It's life and it is a blessing in disguise.

he still stands · February 2011

Well, it has been over a year since we've separated and almost six months since we've divorced. It has been about eight months since she got remarried. Yes, you read that correctly. She has also taken me to court four times for additional child and/or spousal support and each time they told her I'm paying the correct amount and of course, I've never missed a single dollar. I have custody of my son every weekend (except the 3rd weekend of each month) and every Wednesday, and I had to fight tooth and nail to do that. She takes me to court when I want to take my son for several days to see my family that is 1,000 miles away, again costing me thousands of dollars in unncessary attorney's fees. She's told people on Facebook that I abused her when that couldn't be further from the truth... I don't have a violent bone in my body. She told my family I have a drug problem when that also couldn't be further from the truth. She's called the cops on me for "verbal abuse" when all that happened was we had a disagreement and SHE did the yelling.

The list goes on and on and for some reason I still think about her and dream about how it used to be. I haven't had any feelings for another woman since she left and I'm starting to think that I never will. I haven't felt ANYTHING for a long time.

BhagavadGita · February 2011

he still stands wrote:

Well, it has been over a year since we've separated and almost six months since we've divorced. It has been about eight months since she got remarried. Yes, you read that correctly. She has also taken me to court four times for additional child and/or spousal support and each time they told her I'm paying the correct amount and of course, I've never missed a single dollar. I have custody of my son every weekend (except the 3rd weekend of each month) and every Wednesday, and I had to fight tooth and nail to do that. She takes me to court when I want to take my son for several days to see my family that is 1,000 miles away, again costing me thousands of dollars in unncessary attorney's fees. She's told people on Facebook that I abused her when that couldn't be further from the truth... I don't have a violent bone in my body. She told my family I have a drug problem when that also couldn't be further from the truth. She's called the cops on me for "verbal abuse" when all that happened was we had a disagreement and SHE did the yelling.

The list goes on and on and for some reason I still think about her and dream about how it used to be. I haven't had any feelings for another woman since she left and I'm starting to think that I never will. I haven't felt ANYTHING for a long time.

I'm sorry she has taken you through the ringer. It is very sad to hold feelings for someone who seems to continue to hurt you. It's a good thing to think about the good times...I'm sure despite the legal crap, deep down she remembers those times too. And of course you share children so eventually maybe you can find a middle ground where you can meet her. A friendship. It is possible. Eventually the kids will grow and leave home and hopefully you won't have to deal with her again. I wonder....is she undiagnosed Bi-Polar? Bless you and I hope you can meet someone who won't dog you on facebook. You deserve love, we all need time to heal.

pearljgirl2010 · March 2011

amazing how fast time flies....been over a year already since the Divorce was finalized...feels like a lifetime!!

dimitrispearljam · March 2011

pearljgirl2010 wrote:

amazing how fast time flies....been over a year already since the Divorce was finalized...feels like a lifetime!!

feeling good about it?are u happy with your life now?

pearljgirl2010 · March 2011

dimitrispearljam wrote:

pearljgirl2010 wrote:

amazing how fast time flies....been over a year already since the Divorce was finalized...feels like a lifetime!!

feeling good about it?are u happy with your life now?

I am happier than I ever could have imagined :-)

PearlOfAGirl · March 2011

pearljgirl2010 wrote:

dimitrispearljam wrote:

pearljgirl2010 wrote:

amazing how fast time flies....been over a year already since the Divorce was finalized...feels like a lifetime!!

feeling good about it?are u happy with your life now?

I am happier than I ever could have imagined :-)

I'm so happy for you sweetie!!!

I'm hoping to find that someday...

BhagavadGita · March 2011

It is nice to hear someone happy after a divorce. In what way did it make your life happier?

I'm not at that stage yet. I'm kinda in the cycle of the process where waves of heartbroken emotions overtake me for a moment. I also wake up in my new place often and wonder how I got here and why my best friend of 13 years won't even say goodbye.

Anyone ever at the beginning obsess about your ex being with someone else? I can't get that image out of my mind....

mikalina · March 2011

BhagavadGita wrote:

It is nice to hear someone happy after a divorce. In what way did it make your life happier?

I'm not at that stage yet. I'm kinda in the cycle of the process where waves of heartbroken emotions overtake me for a moment. I also wake up in my new place often and wonder how I got here and why my best friend of 13 years won't even say goodbye.

Anyone ever at the beginning obsess about your ex being with someone else? I can't get that image out of my mind....

I hope with time - it will get easier for you...

stargirl69 · March 2011

BhagavadGita wrote:

Anyone ever at the beginning obsess about your ex being with someone else? I can't get that image out of my mind....

Yes I still get days where that thought freezes me to the spot.Horrible.

pearljgirl2010 · March 2011

BhagavadGita wrote:

It is nice to hear someone happy after a divorce. In what way did it make your life happier?

I'm not at that stage yet. I'm kinda in the cycle of the process where waves of heartbroken emotions overtake me for a moment. I also wake up in my new place often and wonder how I got here and why my best friend of 13 years won't even say goodbye.

Anyone ever at the beginning obsess about your ex being with someone else? I can't get that image out of my mind....

During my marriage, I kinda let myself lose my spunk...I made his goals and dreams my priority and stopped wanting or trying for big things for myself. I moved 3000 miles away with him from my family and home, so he could pursue his pro-volleyball career. EVERYTHING that we did was based on his schedule ...if there were things I wanted to do and a tournament came up, I'd say "let's go to the tourney" instead of saying "No, I'd really like to go camping" and soon we were both living his life. I became complacent in the role that I fell into. It was no fault of either of us specifically, we just didn't realize it was happening at the time.

Once I realized that and started to live my own life again, I felt like myself--I was back! In my relationship now, my guy encourages me to do things for ME and wants me to have my own life as well as OUR life together and it's pretty fantastic.

mickeyrat · March 2011

When I got married I came from a place of active alcoholism and drug addiction. I had lived that life for so long. Going from drink to drink and hit to hit. I was not able to form a true partnership with another human being. I thought that desire or possibility to marry had been killed off long before.

Once i sought and recieved help for my addictions , things began to change. Then I met her. Much like pearljamgirl , I made what her goals were the focus of our marriage. She started to go to law school part time at night and worked full time during the day. We were waaaaay early in our marriage and the relationship wasn't strong enough at the start to weather the time spent on her studies. Not too long into her studies, she wanted something in her life other than me. Not quite two years ago, we split. She has since just celebrated her 1st anniversary with her third husband. What I saw from that(her getting together with #3) was a similar pattern developing in how we got together. From that I learned it wasn't "about me". This had to do with her own issues.

For my part, I was at times cold, distant, uncommunicative, unmindful of her feelings, etc. In short, I wasn't really equiped to form the kind of bond with another that I believe is vital to a healthy relationship.The time since our divorce has been a long hard road. I sought counseling, went through the steps of AA again(more thoroughly and honest this time), spoke with anyone who could share their own experience. This went along way to help me get to where I am today. Much more comfortable with myself as a human being. Through some trial and error I learned that I wasn't ready to be that vulnerable. Perhaps I was still too raw with all of it. In any event I made a conscious choice to be. Just be. Feel what I felt. With time, the hurt began to fade. I could take joy in her happiness. Be glad things seemed to be going well for her. That was HUGE for me. That allowed me to move on.

I am now in a partnership with a beautifully flawed human being. She makes me laugh and she feels safe enough to be vulnerable with me. That is a hellava gift. We have fun and I'm applying the lessons(some of them anyway) learned from what ,at the time, seemed a hopeless , neverending emotionally devastating experience.

In short, take heart. You will get through this. Keep your head up and a seed of love in your heart. And wait. just wait. one day you'll wake up and something will feel different. It will BE different. You'll be ok.

faceintheclouds · March 2011

So I posted on this thread a few months ago. Well I finally ended the shit that was my relationship. So now comes the fun stuff. I'm not looking forward to it but it has to be done and I have someone waiting and helping thru it. Now I'm sure that is going to sound bad, but I've been unhappy and unfulfilled for years. Now I've found someone who fills that void.
So let the games begin.

he still stands · March 2011

BhagavadGita wrote:

I'm sorry she has taken you through the ringer. It is very sad to hold feelings for someone who seems to continue to hurt you. It's a good thing to think about the good times...I'm sure despite the legal crap, deep down she remembers those times too. And of course you share children so eventually maybe you can find a middle ground where you can meet her. A friendship. It is possible. Eventually the kids will grow and leave home and hopefully you won't have to deal with her again. I wonder....is she undiagnosed Bi-Polar? Bless you and I hope you can meet someone who won't dog you on facebook. You deserve love, we all need time to heal.

thanks for the kind words. It really helps

and yes, she is Bipolar... and it has been diagnosed. But I'm starting to think that she is just plain ol' sociopathic, because she only has the manic, crazy, irresonsible, hurtful side of the bipolar and none of the depressive side. Those are all traits of a sociopath.

he still stands · March 2011

mickeyrat wrote:

In short, take heart. You will get through this. Keep your head up and a seed of love in your heart. And wait. just wait. one day you'll wake up and something will feel different. It will BE different. You'll be ok.

I'm still waiting for this after 1.5 years.... hopefully it comes soon. I'm optimistic it will.

Bandog · March 2011

I'm just starting the process. We've been together for 15 years. It sucks. We have two kids and their all I'm really worried about. They're young and I don't know how much they're going to understand. I also don't know how the hell we're going to afford two households. The whole thing is just awful. I feel empty and alone, but I have come to the realization that I can't fight for her anymore so I have to accept this and go along with it. It's going to be a fun ride....

he still stands · March 2011

Bandog wrote:

I'm just starting the process. We've been together for 15 years. It sucks. We have two kids and their all I'm really worried about. They're young and I don't know how much they're going to understand. I also don't know how the hell we're going to afford two households. The whole thing is just awful. I feel empty and alone, but I have come to the realization that I can't fight for her anymore so I have to accept this and go along with it. It's going to be a fun ride....

Start fighting right away for your rights as a father. This country gives women incentive to divorce, take the kids, the money and run.... and you'll only get to see them every other weekend. It is complete bullshit. Each parent deserves 50%... joint custody. It has cost me $7,000 so far but I have custody 40% of the time now and am fighting for primary custody since she is so far gone rationally, responsibly... drugs, bigamy, bipolar and off of her meds, etc etc.

Separating/Divorcing-Anyone in the process?

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