Separating/Divorcing-Anyone in the process?

pjtradeking

I am still having a hell of a time. Been almost 10 months now and havent even started the proces of filing the papers. I have been putting it off until she finds a job so she can have benefits and take care of herself. Cant let her go without. Couldnt stand it if she needed medical care and couldnt get it. That said, I kind of expected it to be a little easier by now. I am stuck living in the basement of my brother-n-laws house with the clothes on my back. I have found that I dont miss my things like I thought I would, but the loneliness is killing me. I have no friends to speak of, and I find myself being alone alot and it is hard to deal with. I have no one to talk to really. 16 years is so hard to let go. I am pretty sure she has moved on. Maybe not dating, but has succumb to that fact it is what is. She has done a great job and I am happy for her. I am just struggling a bit. Could I have done things better? Differently? Should I have tried harder even though I KNOW I did for many years?? Where did we go wrong. I miss her...I dont miss the way we were, but I miss her. I miss us, I miss my life. But alas...Tomorrow is another new day I guess, and we move forward!

electronblue

sending some good vibesss out to everyone in this thread ~

stargirl69

pjtradeking wrote:

I am still having a hell of a time. Been almost 10 months now and havent even started the proces of filing the papers. I have been putting it off until she finds a job so she can have benefits and take care of herself. Cant let her go without. Couldnt stand it if she needed medical care and couldnt get it. That said, I kind of expected it to be a little easier by now. I am stuck living in the basement of my brother-n-laws house with the clothes on my back. I have found that I dont miss my things like I thought I would, but the loneliness is killing me. I have no friends to speak of, and I find myself being alone alot and it is hard to deal with. I have no one to talk to really. 16 years is so hard to let go. I am pretty sure she has moved on. Maybe not dating, but has succumb to that fact it is what is. She has done a great job and I am happy for her. I am just struggling a bit. Could I have done things better? Differently? Should I have tried harder even though I KNOW I did for many years?? Where did we go wrong. I miss her...I dont miss the way we were, but I miss her. I miss us, I miss my life. But alas...Tomorrow is another new day I guess, and we move forward!

Your post had me in tears ... I am so sad for your situation ... the loneliness is a killer ... I am finding it the worst ... we fill our heads with questions about all the things we could/should have done ... I truly hope your days get better.
He still wants us to be "great friends" and hopes I will return to Canada to visit him in the future! I had to ask him to stop telling me stuff like that.It is destroying me even more,the only purpose it serves is for me to allow myself to believe it can't really be over as he still wants me in his life and to visit him.

Tomorrow is another new day and no matter what we encounter by the very fact it is a new day means we are moving on ... take care of you x

pjtradeking

stargirl69 wrote:

pjtradeking wrote:

I am still having a hell of a time. Been almost 10 months now and havent even started the proces of filing the papers. I have been putting it off until she finds a job so she can have benefits and take care of herself. Cant let her go without. Couldnt stand it if she needed medical care and couldnt get it. That said, I kind of expected it to be a little easier by now. I am stuck living in the basement of my brother-n-laws house with the clothes on my back. I have found that I dont miss my things like I thought I would, but the loneliness is killing me. I have no friends to speak of, and I find myself being alone alot and it is hard to deal with. I have no one to talk to really. 16 years is so hard to let go. I am pretty sure she has moved on. Maybe not dating, but has succumb to that fact it is what is. She has done a great job and I am happy for her. I am just struggling a bit. Could I have done things better? Differently? Should I have tried harder even though I KNOW I did for many years?? Where did we go wrong. I miss her...I dont miss the way we were, but I miss her. I miss us, I miss my life. But alas...Tomorrow is another new day I guess, and we move forward!

Your post had me in tears ... I am so sad for your situation ... the loneliness is a killer ... I am finding it the worst ... we fill our heads with questions about all the things we could/should have done ... I truly hope your days get better.
He still wants us to be "great friends" and hopes I will return to Canada to visit him in the future! I had to ask him to stop telling me stuff like that.It is destroying me even more,the only purpose it serves is for me to allow myself to believe it can't really be over as he still wants me in his life and to visit him.

Tomorrow is another new day and no matter what we encounter by the very fact it is a new day means we are moving on ... take care of you x

...
Im sorry...Wasnt looking to upset anyone. Was just venting a bit. Had a looong weekend and thought if I did that I would feel a bit better. You know, if it werent for my job, I think I would just pack up, move away and start new. But that is not an option. Its just hard as I am sure you know. Thanks for the kind words, and if you ever wish to vent, just drop me a pm. be sound...:-)

pearljgirl2010

My ex told me on Tuesday that his Grandma died, which of course was upsetting, as I knew her well...what was odd was that his DAD called me too...I hadn't heard a word from anyone in his family in well over a year!!

His Dad says "we all wanted to call and talk to you, but we never knew what to say. we love you and miss you and are glad you're happy and well. I'm sorry I didn't call you sooner." then, last night, his brother calls and basically says the same thing!

it had always bothered me that they just shut me out, even though we got along well and there were no hard feelings. no one reached out to me at all...so I just assumed that because they were HIS family, they chose to only talk to him...better late than never, I suppose, but it was definitely weird!

Kilgore_Trout

me and my gf of a year just broke up... nothing compared to some of you that are going through divorce and more major shit, but it was the longest relationship i've ever been in... thought she might be "the one"... dunno why i feel the need to share here... except that i'm beginning to understand some of the pain this love shit can cause... i feel for all of you that were with your partner for a long time

it really is like a drug! i have to fight myself not to pick up the phone every hour to mention something that we would've both laughed about just weeks ago...

just working on not becoming completely calloused now... seems like it'd be easy to stop trying for awhile... not in any hurry to feel this bad again

good luck single folk!

stargirl69

Kilgore_Trout wrote:

me and my gf of a year just broke up... nothing compared to some of you that are going through divorce and more major shit, but it was the longest relationship i've ever been in... thought she might be "the one"... dunno why i feel the need to share here... except that i'm beginning to understand some of the pain this love shit can cause... i feel for all of you that were with your partner for a long time

it really is like a drug! i have to fight myself not to pick up the phone every hour to mention something that we would've both laughed about just weeks ago...

just working on not becoming completely calloused now... seems like it'd be easy to stop trying for awhile... not in any hurry to feel this bad again

good luck single folk!

I feel for you in your situation.I absolutely understand what you are experiencing just now ... I was here a few weeks ago.I'd like to reassure you that hard as the days are just now they will get better.Loads of people told me this and in my despair I was thinking "you are all wrong ... I will never get over these feelings of sadness,loss and pain" ... but a few weeks down the road,yes there are still days that what I have been through floors me but those days are becoming further apart ... trust you are going to be ok ... because you are ...
Look after you and breathe ... pearlgirl2010 gave me some great advice that I'd like to pass on to you in relation to the urge to call/email/text ... let friends know how you are feeling and ask them,if when the urge to call/text/email gets real bad,can you call/text/email them instead ... I did this and my friends have been more than happy to oblige even late at night they have been there for me ... I am sure you will find the same support.
Be sound ... your going to be ok ... because you are
xxooxx

Kilgore_Trout

thanks stargirl! i'm sure it'll get better... just have to bury my head in work for awhile and get back in the dating game when i'm ready

pearljgirl2010

Kilgore_Trout wrote:

thanks stargirl! i'm sure it'll get better... just have to bury my head in work for awhile and get back in the dating game when i'm ready

as cliche as it is, "one day at a time" is all you can do...don't overthink it, just take each day as one day closer to being strong and feeling ready to jump back in the dating game. it'll happen only when you're ready :-)

stargirl69

pearljgirl2010 wrote:

Kilgore_Trout wrote:

thanks stargirl! i'm sure it'll get better... just have to bury my head in work for awhile and get back in the dating game when i'm ready

as cliche as it is, "one day at a time" is all you can do...don't overthink it, just take each day as one day closer to being strong and feeling ready to jump back in the dating game. it'll happen only when you're ready :-)

Your are right pearlgirl ... I have moved on well with the support,p.m's and advice you gave me.Kilgore_Trout will too ... relating to your most recent post regarding contact from your ex inlaws .. I had a strange experience too .... It was my birthday last week ... I hadn't heard from anyone in Canada since the relationship ended 7 weeks ago but I received presents and cards from my ex,his dad and his sister ... I thought they had maybe been posted before we split but I checked the postal date and they had been posted a month after we split ... I was left not really knowing what to think :? ... I sent brief emails of thanks and have heard nothing more :roll:

pearljgirl2010

That was nice of them to think of you...and I think your responses were appropriate. It probably would have been worse for you if they did nothing. For me, it just felt like a slap in the face to be completely ignored after having been part of the family for 10 years.


Happy belated birthday, by the way :-)

mickeyrat

well, after reaching out due to some laptop issues(was the ex's to begin with) She has offered to see what if anything she can do to help.
We're meeting for the first time in a while and had a very very pleasant convo last week. I'm hopeful that we can resume or friendship and grow from here.
She is happily married and as bittersweet as that is for me , I'm happy for her. To be able to hear joy in her voice despite some personal things she has going on means alot.
Man I love this woman. I am comforted to know she can and is willing to be a part of each others lives , although the nature of the relationship has changed. That was one of the tougher things for me to deal with , her not being there in some capacity.

Some may think me crazy or stupid for doing this , but I intend to honor what I said on our wedding day.

My hope is that I can now begin to move from the false hope I had for us , and find or be found by love once again.


What a ride the last year has been !!!!!

eyedclaar

mickeyrat wrote:

well, after reaching out due to some laptop issues(was the ex's to begin with) She has offered to see what if anything she can do to help.
We're meeting for the first time in a while and had a very very pleasant convo last week. I'm hopeful that we can resume or friendship and grow from here.
She is happily married and as bittersweet as that is for me , I'm happy for her. To be able to hear joy in her voice despite some personal things she has going on means alot.
Man I love this woman. I am comforted to know she can and is willing to be a part of each others lives , although the nature of the relationship has changed. That was one of the tougher things for me to deal with , her not being there in some capacity.

Some may think me crazy or stupid for doing this , but I intend to honor what I said on our wedding day.

My hope is that I can now begin to move from the false hope I had for us , and find or be found by love once again.


What a ride the last year has been !!!!!

Good luck, man. You really seem like a guy who deserves someone great in his life. Don't get used to this kind of talk from eyed though. :twisted:

mickeyrat

eyedclaar wrote:

mickeyrat wrote:

well, after reaching out due to some laptop issues(was the ex's to begin with) She has offered to see what if anything she can do to help.
We're meeting for the first time in a while and had a very very pleasant convo last week. I'm hopeful that we can resume or friendship and grow from here.
She is happily married and as bittersweet as that is for me , I'm happy for her. To be able to hear joy in her voice despite some personal things she has going on means alot.
Man I love this woman. I am comforted to know she can and is willing to be a part of each others lives , although the nature of the relationship has changed. That was one of the tougher things for me to deal with , her not being there in some capacity.

Some may think me crazy or stupid for doing this , but I intend to honor what I said on our wedding day.

My hope is that I can now begin to move from the false hope I had for us , and find or be found by love once again.


What a ride the last year has been !!!!!

Good luck, man. You really seem like a guy who deserves someone great in his life. Don't get used to this kind of talk from eyed though. :twisted:

you must be stoned.

know it will be hard on the emotional front , but this seems right to me. Don't great things come from difficulty?

pjtradeking

mickeyrat wrote:

well, after reaching out due to some laptop issues(was the ex's to begin with) She has offered to see what if anything she can do to help.
We're meeting for the first time in a while and had a very very pleasant convo last week. I'm hopeful that we can resume or friendship and grow from here.
She is happily married and as bittersweet as that is for me , I'm happy for her. To be able to hear joy in her voice despite some personal things she has going on means alot.
Man I love this woman. I am comforted to know she can and is willing to be a part of each others lives , although the nature of the relationship has changed. That was one of the tougher things for me to deal with , her not being there in some capacity.

Some may think me crazy or stupid for doing this , but I intend to honor what I said on our wedding day.

My hope is that I can now begin to move from the false hope I had for us , and find or be found by love once again.


What a ride the last year has been !!!!!

I guess I should pay more attention sometimes...I had no idea you were going through this as well, but the last year or so for me has been a blur, so anything could have slipped passed me. There are days when things are very friendly between me and my wife, and then there are some days that it hurts so bad I cant breathe. The last few weeks has been that way for me. I m like you, in the end, all I want is for her to be happy. If that is without me, then so beit. I will ALWAYS have a place in my heart for her, and will always make sure that she never has to go without. $$, housing, clothes, whatever. Regardless of our outcome, I always said I would take care of her without fail, and I meant it. Stupid? Prob..Painfull? HELL YES!! But I could not bare the thought of her ever being without, or suffering in any way. Never thought I was like this...Had always been able to walk away without looking back...Then I think that the last time I did that was when I was 23...I am 40 now..A different man..Things no longer matter to me..Stuff is just stuff, and happiness seems to have taken a backseat no matter how hard I try these days. The next year is going to be even tougher me thinks. Not looking forward to it, but I am growing use to being alone in every way possible...Never thought I could...Now it seems all I want is to be left alone...god damn things are blurry these days! Good Luck to you Mickey!! You are a good guy!!

Lizard

Damn---I do feel for all of you guys/gals going through this painful time even though I have no pearls of wisdom to fling out there.

Take good care of yourselves.

mickeyrat

pjtradeking wrote:

mickeyrat wrote:

well, after reaching out due to some laptop issues(was the ex's to begin with) She has offered to see what if anything she can do to help.
We're meeting for the first time in a while and had a very very pleasant convo last week. I'm hopeful that we can resume or friendship and grow from here.
She is happily married and as bittersweet as that is for me , I'm happy for her. To be able to hear joy in her voice despite some personal things she has going on means alot.
Man I love this woman. I am comforted to know she can and is willing to be a part of each others lives , although the nature of the relationship has changed. That was one of the tougher things for me to deal with , her not being there in some capacity.

Some may think me crazy or stupid for doing this , but I intend to honor what I said on our wedding day.

My hope is that I can now begin to move from the false hope I had for us , and find or be found by love once again.


What a ride the last year has been !!!!!

I guess I should pay more attention sometimes...I had no idea you were going through this as well, but the last year or so for me has been a blur, so anything could have slipped passed me. There are days when things are very friendly between me and my wife, and then there are some days that it hurts so bad I cant breathe. The last few weeks has been that way for me. I m like you, in the end, all I want is for her to be happy. If that is without me, then so beit. I will ALWAYS have a place in my heart for her, and will always make sure that she never has to go without. $$, housing, clothes, whatever. Regardless of our outcome, I always said I would take care of her without fail, and I meant it. Stupid? Prob..Painfull? HELL YES!! But I could not bare the thought of her ever being without, or suffering in any way. Never thought I was like this...Had always been able to walk away without looking back...Then I think that the last time I did that was when I was 23...I am 40 now..A different man..Things no longer matter to me..Stuff is just stuff, and happiness seems to have taken a backseat no matter how hard I try these days. The next year is going to be even tougher me thinks. Not looking forward to it, but I am growing use to being alone in every way possible...Never thought I could...Now it seems all I want is to be left alone...god damn things are blurry these days! Good Luck to you Mickey!! You are a good guy!!

Thanks and good luck to you too. One thing that really helped me was having the support here and the folks in my AA meetings and seeing counsler. Wasn't so much the places as it was having people in my life willing to listen to me and share from their own experiences.
Todays meeting with her went better than I had hoped from my own emotional standpoint. coming up on 11 months since the divorce and just past 13 months since the split.

As was told to me "time takes time" and its time that allows us to live more comfortably with whats happened. Doubt I'll ever be completely over the loss , but such is life and we're not alone , as evidenced by this thread. Need to talk hit me up here or at that gaming site known as facebook!!!

pearljgirl2010

pjtradeking wrote:

I guess I should pay more attention sometimes...I had no idea you were going through this as well, but the last year or so for me has been a blur, so anything could have slipped passed me. There are days when things are very friendly between me and my wife, and then there are some days that it hurts so bad I cant breathe. The last few weeks has been that way for me. I m like you, in the end, all I want is for her to be happy. If that is without me, then so beit. I will ALWAYS have a place in my heart for her, and will always make sure that she never has to go without. $$, housing, clothes, whatever. Regardless of our outcome, I always said I would take care of her without fail, and I meant it. Stupid? Prob..Painfull? HELL YES!! But I could not bare the thought of her ever being without, or suffering in any way. Never thought I was like this...Had always been able to walk away without looking back...Then I think that the last time I did that was when I was 23...I am 40 now..A different man..Things no longer matter to me..Stuff is just stuff, and happiness seems to have taken a backseat no matter how hard I try these days. The next year is going to be even tougher me thinks. Not looking forward to it, but I am growing use to being alone in every way possible...Never thought I could...Now it seems all I want is to be left alone...god damn things are blurry these days! Good Luck to you Mickey!! You are a good guy!! [/quote]

well said, my friend...I think you touched on a LOT of good points in here and said some things that not a lot of people would admit to and I admire that.

With me and my exhusband, we knew we wanted each other to be happy and realized that it wasn't going to be with each other...as soon as we figured that out and were OK with it, it felt like a huge weight was lifted off our shoulders.

pjtradeking

Today would have been our 10 year anniversary...I am all knotted up and have tons of anxiety today. A year ago, I wouldnt have imagined this is where I would be. I feel like I am on a boat in the middle of no where with no direction. I am lonely today....I didnt realize that this would hurt so much. I didnt realize how much of an emotional wreck I would be and have become the last year. I am usually a very strong person in all aspects of my life, and that has not been the case the last year... When does it get better?(rhetorical, I know!) just saying

catefrances

mickeyrat wrote:

well, after reaching out due to some laptop issues(was the ex's to begin with) She has offered to see what if anything she can do to help.
We're meeting for the first time in a while and had a very very pleasant convo last week. I'm hopeful that we can resume or friendship and grow from here.
She is happily married and as bittersweet as that is for me , I'm happy for her. To be able to hear joy in her voice despite some personal things she has going on means alot.
Man I love this woman. I am comforted to know she can and is willing to be a part of each others lives , although the nature of the relationship has changed. That was one of the tougher things for me to deal with , her not being there in some capacity.

Some may think me crazy or stupid for doing this , but I intend to honor what I said on our wedding day.

My hope is that I can now begin to move from the false hope I had for us , and find or be found by love once again.


What a ride the last year has been !!!!!

i disrespected you earlier in this thread mickey... something like me questioning why should you care if shes happy or not.
anyways i just want you to know i was wrong and i respect your strength.