open relationships

audiodave

wolfbear wrote:

Very well put. I agree with everything you wrote.

Even the part about decapitation?!

That goes for a man or a woman, just so we're clear...

wolfbear

audiodave wrote:

Even the part about decapitation?!

That goes for a man or a woman, just so we're clear...

Well, I luckily haven't been put in that situation. Who knows? lol

FinsburyParkCarrots

justam wrote:

***

Haha, there were some other PMs too. Even from bannedsville.

justam

FinsburyParkCarrots wrote:

Haha, there were some other PMs too. Even from bannedsville.

Yeah. I know I'm not the only curious person around.

he still stands

From someone with experience in this sort of thing, the first thing to say is that it most definitely is not for everyone. There has to be an extremely unmovable amount of trust between you and your partner. Both partners have to be able to separate lust from emotional connection. Rules and guidelines need to be openly communicated often and followed. If any of these components are compromised, then it will definitely not work and will probably end up in the couple removing themselves from the lifestyle or in termination of the relationship. For the couples who have enough love and trust for eachother to handle this sort of thing and conform to the aforementioned guidelines, kudos to you (it can be a fucking blast!!!)

Abookamongstthemany

justam wrote:

I think even if a person is "open-minded" they will discover that there are difficulties in a relationship like this.

The emotions that pop up when involved in a situation like this are not due to a "closed mind." Rather, they are due to the passionate nature of the attachment and love.

It takes an awful lot of love to agree to a situation like this. Therefore, when it goes sour, it is even more hurtful than a standard marriage or relationship.

Oh yeah, just because someone is usually the open minded type doesn't mean that automatically qualifies them for being able to handle this kind of relationship. I was simply saying it would be a needed trait because if you went into this kinda thing with a closed mind, you're not going to be able to handle the complexities of the situation. I'd say, in our current culture and it's societal norms laced with heavy emphasis on the ego, these kind of relationships rarely last or work out too well. It's possible but for a very select few who can handle it.

PearlsGirl

decides2dream wrote:

recipe for disaster.....or doable with the right couple/open minds?



thoughts?
just a conversation starter for a grey monday afternoon...........;)

I am in one right now, and well, it sucks to be a girl. I hate these things called "feelings" because they get in the way of having fun. I really wish I were a guy about it and could have casual sex and not think twice about the person I just did. I mean, the guy is great, and we get along well, and the rest of it is magnficent... I want to keep it going, so I've decided to care less. He's not really my "dream" guy either. We've got too much in common. We think the exact same way, we have the same ideology, same interests, we're pretty ridiculous to be around, no one gets bored. I dunno. I am wishing that when I see him next, I can make up for making an ass out of myself as I did this past weekend. Oh man... I was not quiet sober and I don't know what I said to him...

audiodave

PearlsGirl wrote:

I really wish I were a guy about it and could have casual sex and not think twice about the person I just did.

You really think that all guys are like that? I can't speak for all guys, but I for one could not do that. And i'm sure you can look at it from another angle aswell and say that there are women out there who could have sex and not think twice about it. It has nothing at all to do with gender, but to do with who you are.

It really does bemuse me that in 2008 some people still think this way.

he still stands

audiodave wrote:

You really think that all guys are like that? I can't speak for all guys, but I for one could not do that. And i'm sure you can look at it from another angle aswell and say that there are women out there who could have sex and not think twice about it. It has nothing at all to do with gender, but to do with who you are.

It really does bemuse me that in 2008 some people still think this way.

right on... plus to have a "successful" open relationship there absolutely has to be strong emotional ties between the couple. Otherwise you're just talking about temporary "fuck buddies."

PearlsGirl

audiodave wrote:

You really think that all guys are like that? I can't speak for all guys, but I for one could not do that. And i'm sure you can look at it from another angle aswell and say that there are women out there who could have sex and not think twice about it. It has nothing at all to do with gender, but to do with who you are.

It really does bemuse me that in 2008 some people still think this way.

Well, it's not like I think that about every guy, but it seems like all the guys I've met lately are like this. I mean, it seems like they have no heart at all. They use you, and treat you like crap, they find someone else, and ditch you. you on the other hand are left behind crying, and feeling shitty as fuck. i mean, this isn't quiet my situation, as the guy i'm in this "open relationship" with won't tell me what is goin on in his head. i need communication... my friends and i are always in the same fucking boat. i want to meet a guy who has feelings, but not so much that they fucking cry like pansy ass bitches, like my last two boyfriends. that pissed me off so much, it was like i was the man in the relationship. i just want a man's man, who has a heart. where are they??? i will go there, and hopefully find my prince charming.

Allie

PearlsGirl wrote:

as the guy i'm in this "open relationship" with won't tell me what is goin on in his head. i need communication... .

if he's seeing other people he's not going to tell you what's in his head, b/c it probably involves, um, the other girls.

and also, if you want a man to tell you what is on his mind, in general, you have to ask him. He can't read your mind.

PearlsGirl

Allie wrote:

if he's seeing other people he's not going to tell you what's in his head, b/c it probably involves, um, the other girls.

and also, if you want a man to tell you what is on his mind, in general, you have to ask him. He can't read your mind.

as far as i know, because his brother is my best friend, he isn't seeing anyone else. i want to know if he's with me because he likes me, or because he wants some one to do. i actually like him, and he knows that. i've asked him before, only to get no answer. although he did say this on saturday,, which i am guessing is his way of saying "yeah, i'm cool with us" or something and the only response he has EVER given me about the two of us, I asked him, what if i feel for you, hard, and he said, then we can have more mornings like this. this was after we had an incredible night together. i hate being a fucking girl...

catefrances

PearlsGirl wrote:

as far as i know, because his brother is my best friend, he isn't seeing anyone else. i want to know if he's with me because he likes me, or because he wants some one to do. i actually like him, and he knows that. i've asked him before, only to get no answer. although he did say this on saturday,, which i am guessing is his way of saying "yeah, i'm cool with us" or something and the only response he has EVER given me about the two of us, I asked him, what if i feel for you, hard, and he said, then we can have more mornings like this. this was after we had an incredible night together. i hate being a fucking girl...

here's your problem. don't dance around the maypole. TELL HIM how you feel. don't say what if. that gives room to manoeuvre and if you want a definitive answer that's not a good strategy. tell him how you feel and ask him what he's going to do about it. if he doesnt feel about you the way you feel about him then you need to cut your losses and move on.

Allie

catefrances wrote:

here's your problem. don't dance around the maypole. TELL HIM how you feel. don't say what if. that gives room to manoeuvre and if you want a definitive answer that's not a good strategy. if he doesnt feel about you the way you feel about him then you need to cut your losses and move on.

^^^
what Cate said.
(I love how you tell it like it is, btw)

and,
I don't even understand what you mean by 'what if I feel for you, hard' and I wouldn't expect a guy to get that.

catefrances

Allie wrote:

^^^
what Cate said.
(I love how you tell it like it is, btw)

and,
I don't even understand what you mean by 'what if I feel for you, hard' and I wouldn't expect a guy to get that.

maybe she meant fell instead of feel?

well as you know allie, life is too short to be namby pamby.

PearlsGirl

okay. i should do that, cause yeah, the past few weeks have been shitty in the since all i can think about is him. i've told him how i feel, and his responses are always along the lines of yeah, i like that you like me. he probably will never say how he really feels, so.... that's that. i guess in a way, i am making him look better than what he really is. The only real appealing thing about our whole relationship thing is that we both get what we want for right now, the physical aspect of it. i don't want a boyfriend for a *very* long time. i'm pretty much hating the thought of boyfriends, and marriage (which my family keeps bugging me about), and all this nonsense.

hehe, yeah, i did mean fell, oops! so sorry yeah, i just read that and i wouldn't have gotten it either. haha.

decides2dream

Abookamongstthemany wrote:

I think that the ego usually turns these kind of relationships very sour, very quick. I think it is doable but only when involving consenting, stable, confident, secure and open minded individuals.


***I'm not saying that people who wouldn't choose this lifestyle are close minded...only saying that those who do must be open to the things this kind of agreement might include.

wow...cool to see this discussion and how it all developed, and being seriously addressed! kudos all!


that said, this above is kinda my thoughts on it. i agree, if only ONE in the relationship wants it, and the other consents begrudingly...it would neverwork, someone would most definitely be left hurting.

he still stands wrote:

From someone with experience in this sort of thing, the first thing to say is that it most definitely is not for everyone. There has to be an extremely unmovable amount of trust between you and your partner. Both partners have to be able to separate lust from emotional connection. Rules and guidelines need to be openly communicated often and followed. If any of these components are compromised, then it will definitely not work and will probably end up in the couple removing themselves from the lifestyle or in termination of the relationship. For the couples who have enough love and trust for eachother to handle this sort of thing and conform to the aforementioned guidelines, kudos to you (it can be a fucking blast!!!)

this too...kinda where my mind went when REALLY looking at it objectively. for a couple to successfully do so...there MUST be an unbelievable amount of trust in each other, true openness....and absolute desire. i DO agree, it CAN be a recipe for disaster w/o these elements...and it can be good? ( for lack of a better term) for those inclined to do so.

as to it being a 'fucking blast'....i'd leave that to others to decide or not. as i said, this is not for me a 'personal discussion'...quite honestly, i thought i made it so clear in the first post. i would NEVER come looking here for advice on such, especially amongst a group of people mostly single/young....and if married, very few as long as i am. yikes. on such a topic, i'd ask people who are in similar life situations...and yea, privately. i love to 'talk' about a great many topics...some i guess quite 'personal'...but honestly, i don't GEt *personal* on the board, i am far too private! i just LOVE discussion human behavior.

i DO see both sides of it, absolutely. why someone would be dead-set against it...and why some would be for it. either way, i would HOPE all had partners of similar mindsets....b/c either way, without similarities for something so important, THAT could be a recipe for disaster, w/o any 'open relationship.'


btw - i just watched kinsey tonight. for those of you who've seen it, also touches on this, and basic social sexual mores.....very, very interesting! i've seen it before of course, but was interested in watching again. good stuff.


so yea, i agree...bottomline...if such a thing COULD work, buth HAVE to be in agreement of it. whatever *it* there may be. no just going along, etc...it has to be a genuine desire for both parties. i mean to me, whatEVER a couple does, or doesn't do, sexually...should be for the benefit and pleasure of both. and there are ALL sorts of different ways such will manifest itself in a relationship...and if all are happy/satisifed with it...it works...i say kudos. for most, that means monogamy...or at least a semblance of it - given the preponderance of infidelity obviously it is not 100% 'successful....and for a small minority perhaps, the idea of 'openess' is more in line. i mean, in tehory....to have the commitment of monogamy, and the varity of openness....i can see the possibilities, even if i wouldn't necessarily choose such for myself. dunno. but it all fascinates me.

Allie

catefrances wrote:

maybe she meant fell instead of feel?

well as you know allie, life is too short to be namby pamby.

Cate, you are indeed the best.

Communication is easier said than done though. It's hard to tell someone how you really feel, especially when you really like them.

catefrances

Allie wrote:

Cate, you are indeed the best.

well let's not get carried away with ourselves.

Allie wrote:

Communication is easier said than done though. It's hard to tell someone how you really feel, especially when you really like them.

oh absolutely true... but ive learnt that you owe the person you love the truth. and more often than not they need to hear it, for themselves and for the relationship. and you owe it to yourself to be truthful as well.

Allie

catefrances wrote:

well let's not get carried away with ourselves.





oh absolutely true... but ive learnt that you owe the person you love the truth. and more often than not they need to hear it, for themselves and for the relationship. and you owe it to yourself to be truthful as well.

hee hee,

and yes, I agree
that is wise advice. I wish I knew it earlier in life I think you have to reach a certain maturity level before you realize how life is too short to not tell people how you feel.