open relationships

WildChildRose

decides2dream wrote:

again, i wasn't saying *you*...i was looking at it objectively, simply asking if you could not even see that there may be some *others* out there who could see a space between a totally monogamous relationship and simply playing the field, and desiring to exist as a couple in such a place. obviously, it would be a very small minority of people who could happily coexist in such a relationship.

I can only give you my own perspective. I can't answer what other people feel or think. So that's "my" view on it.
The more I think about it, the more I wonder, why would you even want to be in a relationship where you're not satisfied with what you have?
I saw your part about what if your partner can't perform anymore... well... vows are sickness and in health, right? So therefore, I would deal with that on my own or give it up rather than be with someone else.

decides2dream

WildChildRose wrote:

I can only give you my own perspective. I can't answer what other people feel or think. So that's "my" view on it.
The more I think about it, the more I wonder, why would you even want to be in a relationship where you're not satisfied with what you have?
I saw your part about what if your partner can't perform anymore... well... vows are sickness and in health, right? So therefore, I would deal with that on my own or give it up rather than be with someone else.

ok then. yes, if asked my personal thoughts/opinions on something...i give that. and sure, that was asked as well. beyond that, i thought perhaps you and others can and do look at it from possible other perspectives, a little objectivity, etc. don't want to or can't do that...so be it. thus why i asked if you could see that, and apparently you can't. so be it.

and yes, i agree...vows are in sickness and in health. i wouldn't think of it as abandoning the person. thus why you'd stay together, live together, still love and care for each other, etc.....and sure, i would hope *do* whatever you can to please each other. i just think, i could see that happening, and it being ok. then again, i can see a couple choosing to have an open relationship just because they enjoy it. i don't have to personally see something for myself to at least see that it may work and bring happiness to others. dunno. obviously, differing perspectives.....


anyhooooooo...i still strongly suggest breaking the waves...it's an eye opener for a very different pov.

WildChildRose

decides2dream wrote:

ok then. yes, if asked my personal thoughts/opinions on something...i give that. and sure, that was asked as well. beyond that, i thought perhaps you and others can and do look at it from possible other perspectives, a little objectivity, etc. don't want to or can't do that...so be it. thus why i asked if you could see that, and apparently you can't. so be it.

and yes, i agree...vows are in sickness and in health. i wouldn't think of it as abandoning the person. thus why you'd stay together, live together, still love and care for each other, etc.....and sure, i would hope *do* whatever you can to please each other. i just think, i could see that happening, and it being ok. then again, i can see a couple choosing to have an open relationship just because they enjoy it. i don't have to personally see something for myself to at least see that it may work and bring happiness to others. dunno. obviously, differing perspectives.....
anyhooooooo...i still strongly suggest breaking the waves...it's an eye opener for a very different pov.

**shrug** I don't really care what other people do. Yes I think its bizarre and no I can't see why anyone would want to do that. It seems incredibly selfish to me and takes the trust and commitment right out of the relationship.

I'm sure someone who has been in one of these can give you the proper advice that you are maybe looking for or just try it out and see what happens??

decides2dream

WildChildRose wrote:

**shrug** I don't really care what other people do. Yes I think its bizarre and no I can't see why anyone would want to do that. It seems incredibly selfish to me and takes the trust and commitment right out of the relationship.

I'm sure someone who has been in one of these can give you the proper advice that you are maybe looking for or just try it out and see what happens??

hahaha. i'm not looking for advice. as i said, this is not a *personal* thing, i rarely discuss personal on the board, nad certainly not THIS personal ever! haha. and i would never 'try something out' and throw caution to the wind, i do VALUE my marriage too much. i would think, it would be something a couple would DISCUSS if they so desire, or i would HOPE they would...b/c otherwise, not very 'open' at all eh? i think it's interesting to DISCUSS people's varying perspectives on the topic.

obviously if it is agreed to by both parties, i would not view it as 'selfish' at all....obviously i'd think the trust and commitment would have to be VERY STRONG to do such, actually. however, it would really be dependant on the scenario of the 'openess' i guess, why one wants such...what one hopes to get from it, and yea, what the couple may think it would ADD to their relationship.


i don't *care* what people do, but the whys of their choices DO interest me. i find it fascinating, human nature...and how we all go our way through life.


anyhooo...whatever. i thought it a interesting topic. i have had some pretty cool discussions about it in the past. i just watched breaking the waves again over the weekend, so was fresh in my mind.

edvedder913

me personally - could NEVER do it. please....I have a difficult enough time just dating!!

Funny though b/c I was out w/a co-worker recently who was telling me that her friends decided to do this - married very young and got bored - it started out great and ended horrifically. which is what i would suspect most of these would....someone inevitably gets hurt.

goldenegg

Hell no!!! This is just asking for trouble!

My ex put me in this type of situation with her ex (is that too complicated to follow?). What an awful experience that was.

If you're going to be with someone, be with that one person. I'm not saying not to have friends and such. There just shouldn't be anyone else that close emotionally or there will be problems.

iluvcats

Flannel Shirt wrote:

If you are single, just out having a good time, no strings attached to anyone, I see nothing wrong with threesomes.

If you are not single, and you participate in a threesome, I just dont see that working. maybe one night when everyone is drunk and there is some good grass being passed around. just kidding.

I can only imagine the discussion the next day when everyone sobers up ....

"You paid waaaaaaaaaaaay too much attention to him/her last night. what was that all about? you want to be with them instead dont you?"

you might even slip up in the heat of the moment and say something like "this is the best _____ ever", bringing things to a grinding halt I would assume.

and as far as swapping, why would you give some dude/lady your significant other to have their way with and why would you want to do the same with theirs?

"thanks dude, here you go, enjoy. Ill be in that room _______ the ____ out of your wife"

um....no.

I was talking about married couples. I would not have a threesome if I were single. That's just me.

I agree with your points.

catefrances

i think open relationships are doable with the right people involved. if a balance is struck between what it is youre getting from one person as opposed to what youre getting from the third person, then absolutely do it. i know if there were certain things i wasnt getting from my partner(and he said he could not provide them for whatever reason) and we both agreed that i could go elsewhere for that need, then why not? but if he didnt agree with what i was proposing then of course i wouldnt do it. something else would have to be worked out. i dont see such a situation diminishing the feelings i have for my partner. but my god you'd have to be strong in your relationship for this kind of thing to happen and for it to be workable.

justam

decides2dream wrote:

no alterior motives, simply conversation. if i were *really* wondering about it, i think i'd be having this conversation with my husband, not here.


it's called : breaking the waves
great flim! also, obviously, quite thought-provoking! i've seen it a few times, and was just discussing it again recently....and it's a pretty big part of the film plot.

well dear...it's a serious subject to those that have lived it...so that's why I wondered...

I think usually it comes up because someone asks you to do it, or, someone needs the flexibility because they know they can't be faithful, or, they are involved in it because they love someone so very much that they wonder if they should agree to it....

BUT, but, but

I think that if you are an honest person, you know that it's not ideal for the person who has to bury their feelings of jealousy and fear and love to live through the hurt it can cause.

While it might work if the exchange can be fair somehow...usually is ISN'T fair and that's the hurtful part of it.

Abookamongstthemany

I think that the ego usually turns these kind of relationships very sour, very quick. I think it is doable but only when involving consenting, stable, confident, secure and open minded individuals.


***I'm not saying that people who wouldn't choose this lifestyle are close minded...only saying that those who do must be open to the things this kind of agreement might include.

SPEEDY MCCREADY

i had a friend of mine approach his wife of 20 years.....and ask her if she was interested in "swinging"...

he had decided after 20 years of marriage that this is the lifestyle he wanted to pursue....

he has since been thrown out of the house and will soon be divorced...

FinsburyParkCarrots

I was once invited back to this house after the pub shut, for more beers, by this couple I knew. Now, I like beer, so I went. There was this French woman with them. Yes, the fact that she was French is key here. They're sex mad. I was invited to help myself to the fridge and get a beer. Once I got back to the living room, the French woman had the English woman naked and on top of the table, the English bloke was off to take the dog for a walk and I was invited to jump on the table with the two women. I took my beer, said goodnight to the English bloke with the dog and walked home in the summer air.

Apparently when the bloke came back from taking his dog for a shit, the two woman had fallen out, had a punch up and the police were called. The bloke and the woman split up, the French woman couldn't remember anything that had happened, the next day, and the dog has a new English bloke to walk it. Oh, but at least I got a beer after hours, with my integrity intact.

justam

Abookamongstthemany wrote:

I think that the ego usually turns these kind of relationships very sour, very quick. I think it is doable but only when involving consenting, stable, confident, secure and open minded individuals.


***I'm not saying that people who wouldn't choose this lifestyle are close minded...only saying that those who do must be open to the things this kind of agreement might include.

I think even if a person is "open-minded" they will discover that there are difficulties in a relationship like this.

The emotions that pop up when involved in a situation like this are not due to a "closed mind." Rather, they are due to the passionate nature of the attachment and love.

It takes an awful lot of love to agree to a situation like this. Therefore, when it goes sour, it is even more hurtful than a standard marriage or relationship.

Jeremy1012

FinsburyParkCarrots wrote:

I was once invited back to this house after the pub shut, for more beers, by this couple I knew. Now, I like beer, so I went. There was this French woman with them. Yes, the fact that she was French is key here. They're sex mad. I was invited to help myself to the fridge and get a beer. Once I got back to the living room, the French woman had the English woman naked and on top of the table, the English bloke was off to take the dog for a walk and I was invited to jump on the table with the two women. I took my beer, said goodnight to the English bloke with the dog and walked home in the summer air.

Apparently when the bloke came back from taking his dog for a shit, the two woman had fallen out, had a punch up and the police were called. The bloke and the woman split up, the French woman couldn't remember anything that had happened, the next day, and the dog has a new English bloke to walk it. Oh, but at least I got a beer after hours, with my integrity intact.

WHY did you not join in?!

audiodave

I think that they may work for some people, but I am most certainly not one of them. For this to work, the people involved must be getting something else from a third (or fourth, fifth...etc) party that they can't get in their own relationship (in my opinion). The reason I think that is, if you have everything you need within your own relationship, then why would you look elsewhere for anything? Maybe i'm wrong, but that's just how I see it.

Is this better than cheating on someone? Well, the reasons would be similar. Looking for something that your relationship is lacking otherwise, only with an "open relationship" type thing, you have the other person's consent. The only way I think it could really work is if both parties REALLY wanted to try it, and were truly comfortable with it, but I don't think that would happen often. In the end I think it's going to end with someone getting hurt.

Why isn't it for me? I'm quite traditional in my view of love and relationships. If i'm with someone, I only really have eyes for them, and they pretty much give me everything I need, otherwise, I wouldn't be with them in the first place. Another reason I couldn't go for it is, I guess I would be classed as the jealous type. Not insanely jealous, but jealous enough that if someone else was with my girlfriend, I could not handle it, and they wouldn't keep their head attached to their shoulders for very long if I caught them...wait...did I say not insanely jealous? ;)

Interesting topic though.

FinsburyParkCarrots

Jeremy1012 wrote:

WHY did you not join in?!

I could tell you, in a PM, I suppose. It's very funny.

Jeremy1012

FinsburyParkCarrots wrote:

I could tell you, in a PM, I suppose. It's very funny.

I'm listening.


or reading rather.

wolfbear

audiodave wrote:

I think that they may work for some people, but I am most certainly not one of them. For this to work, the people involved must be getting something else from a third (or fourth, fifth...etc) party that they can't get in their own relationship (in my opinion). The reason I think that is, if you have everything you need within your own relationship, then why would you look elsewhere for anything? Maybe i'm wrong, but that's just how I see it.

Is this better than cheating on someone? Well, the reasons would be similar. Looking for something that your relationship is lacking otherwise, only with an "open relationship" type thing, you have the other person's consent. The only way I think it could really work is if both parties REALLY wanted to try it, and were truly comfortable with it, but I don't think that would happen often. In the end I think it's going to end with someone getting hurt.

Why isn't it for me? I'm quite traditional in my view of love and relationships. If i'm with someone, I only really have eyes for them, and they pretty much give me everything I need, otherwise, I wouldn't be with them in the first place. Another reason I couldn't go for it is, I guess I would be classed as the jealous type. Not insanely jealous, but jealous enough that if someone else was with my girlfriend, I could not handle it, and they wouldn't keep their head attached to their shoulders for very long if I caught them...wait...did I say not insanely jealous? ;)

Interesting topic though.

Very well put. I agree with everything you wrote.

FinsburyParkCarrots

Jeremy1012 wrote:

I'm listening.


or reading rather.

Hahaha, I have a sudden influx of PMs. "What happened?"

justam

FinsburyParkCarrots wrote:

Hahaha, I have a sudden influx of PMs. "What happened?"

***