How do you save a relationship?

given2fly78

Wow, this thread really blew up! LOL

Let me say, I don't take my marriage lightly, as noted by the fact that I really want to save this, even when me hubby doesn't see it needs fixing.

We didn't jump into this marriage, or our relationship. 10 years is a long time to be together. We depend on one another, we have grown together and yet apart.

Nor do I take divorce lightly either. I come from parents married 27 years. Who still have that look of love in their eyes. I WANT that. I aspire to have a marriage like that. However, I don't let dreams cloud my reality.

I appreciate both sides - the "leave him" the "stay and try". I'm not sure what to do. I'm probably going to start counseling alone. To first try and find me again. And I'll go from there.

I've realized (in some ways known for a while) that I've outgrown the relationship. That I'm not the person I was 10, 7, 5, even 2 years ago. And not in a bad way. But when I'm the person growing and have a partner who is stagnant with no desire to grow too, it is very difficult. I just hope that I can properly express my feelings and get him to understand that I need someone on the same level, not the 19 year old stuck in time. And hopefully he can accept this, not hold it against me and gracefully learn to establish direction. A girl can dream?

But I refuse to lose my identity. It's easy to type, but I won't stay stuck. I have to remind myself that I'm worth more than that. Even if it means that I have to lose my marriage. A failure to some, a growing experience to others.

It's not over yet, I'm going to give it my all. Hopefully it's not a one person fight. I guess, I have to keep in mind the old saying "It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all"

NYbenben

Life is too short to be that displeased... if you are out there secluded from the world as you say, perhaps a fresh start is a good thing... new job, new surroundings... be strong and positive about the situation....i dont know if you have kids or not, but if the answer is not, then your situation is a lot easier...

if you truly want to try to salvage the relationship... try seeking some help... there are marriage couselors that can assist... they wont always try to make you get back together, but at least get to the root cause of what the issues are. in some cases they may actually tell you to seperate and see what life is like without one another... you may want to check out a book called Should I Stay or Should I Go by Lee Raffel... Really good book...
Good luck with your situation...

edvedder913

given2fly78 wrote:

When the other person refuses to see there is a problem?

I know there are a lot of relationship threads on here, so I figure someone must have gone through something like this.

My hubby and I have been together for 10 years. Almost 1/3 of my life. But as time goes on, I realize that we really have nothing in common. Our goals, our dreams, our lifestyle. I do note that you don't have to be with your exact duplicate, but when it comes down to it, our futures just don't seem to be on the same path. And it makes me sad.

When I try and talk to him about anything, he just gets defensive. Or doesn't care. He doesn't see any problems. Life is "status quo". But I've grown, matured, "aged" if you will. And I still have hopes and dreams. And I see that he doesn't share them with me, is almost just along for the ride.

I've made a lot of sacrifices for him. And he doesn't see it. Past is past he says. There are too many things to list, and trust me, I'm willing to change. I have changed, that's probably part of the problem.

I've finally realized that I'm older, different than I was at 19. But it's almost like he's stuck. No goals, no ambition, never wants to grow up. And we don't align anymore. I'm not sure this is what I want anymore.

The biggest thing is, that I've totally alienated myself. We moved to where we live now about 6 years ago. And we never made any new friends, he never wanted to hang out with my friends or go anywhere with the people I met. So we ended up being alone. So I really don't have anyone. I feel alone.

If I left (what a mess that would be) I'd start 100% over. I'd probably move all by myself south. New job, new life, new place, alone. Which sounds liberating in theory, but I'm not sure I can handle it.

How do I fix this? Can it be fixed? Am I just coexsisting? Will I live the rest of my life wondering? How can I make him see that I'm unhappy with what our relationship has become? Do all relationships end up like this? Am I just in a rut?

You know the Dave Matthews Song "Grey Street"? That's me! The song brings me to tears because that's how I feel.

Oh there's an emptiness inside her
And she'll do anything to fill it in
And though it's red blood bleeding from her now
It's more like cold blue ice in her heart
She feels like kicking out all the windows
And setting fire to this life
She could change everything about her
Using colors bold and bright
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
It breaks her heart

ahhhh I feel your pain. I was married for 9 years, got married young (not as young as you), and this happened to us. By the time I hit 29/30 I had changed immensely - really matured, had goals, knew what I wanted. he was still searching for the best happy hour to go to. Once we had a house and a child, ie responsibilities, the difference between us became tremendous. I was utterly miserable. Basically a single parent of an infant and someone who was irresponsible as a 14 year old. It was like having 2 kids. I did EVERYTHING, and felt like I had to play both roles. It was an emotional roller coaster. Eventually we split and it was the best thing. He is even more immature and irresponsible now. He filed for bankruptcy, lives w/his parents, gambles, goes to bars still, etc.

My only advice is to tell him how you are feeling and that you are on the verge of ending the marriage unless he can discuss this and grow up a bit. However, it sound slike your differences may be too big to even overcome. I am not sure if you have kids, but if you don't, please don't think of letting that happen until you figure out what is best for you. It only complicates things further. I hope you make the right decision. Good luck!

genie

edvedder913 wrote:

He filed for bankruptcy, lives w/his parents, gambles, goes to bars still, etc.

blimey, talk about having no back bone!

edvedder913

genie wrote:

blimey, talk about having no back bone!

tell me about it. his friends used to tell me that I held him together, I never realized it until I saw what happened to him w/o me. yikes! divorced 4 years and he still calls me for advice...lol

harmless_little_f***

edvedder913 wrote:

tell me about it. his friends used to tell me that I held him together, I never realized it until I saw what happened to him w/o me. yikes! divorced 4 years and he still calls me for advice...lol

Wow, and I thought I was struggling to run my life.. thanks for the encouragement.

edvedder913

harmless_little_f*** wrote:

Wow, and I thought I was struggling to run my life.. thanks for the encouragement.

you know where to find me if you ever need that