How do you save a relationship?

given2fly78

When the other person refuses to see there is a problem?

I know there are a lot of relationship threads on here, so I figure someone must have gone through something like this.

My hubby and I have been together for 10 years. Almost 1/3 of my life. But as time goes on, I realize that we really have nothing in common. Our goals, our dreams, our lifestyle. I do note that you don't have to be with your exact duplicate, but when it comes down to it, our futures just don't seem to be on the same path. And it makes me sad.

When I try and talk to him about anything, he just gets defensive. Or doesn't care. He doesn't see any problems. Life is "status quo". But I've grown, matured, "aged" if you will. And I still have hopes and dreams. And I see that he doesn't share them with me, is almost just along for the ride.

I've made a lot of sacrifices for him. And he doesn't see it. Past is past he says. There are too many things to list, and trust me, I'm willing to change. I have changed, that's probably part of the problem.

I've finally realized that I'm older, different than I was at 19. But it's almost like he's stuck. No goals, no ambition, never wants to grow up. And we don't align anymore. I'm not sure this is what I want anymore.

The biggest thing is, that I've totally alienated myself. We moved to where we live now about 6 years ago. And we never made any new friends, he never wanted to hang out with my friends or go anywhere with the people I met. So we ended up being alone. So I really don't have anyone. I feel alone.

If I left (what a mess that would be) I'd start 100% over. I'd probably move all by myself south. New job, new life, new place, alone. Which sounds liberating in theory, but I'm not sure I can handle it.

How do I fix this? Can it be fixed? Am I just coexsisting? Will I live the rest of my life wondering? How can I make him see that I'm unhappy with what our relationship has become? Do all relationships end up like this? Am I just in a rut?

You know the Dave Matthews Song "Grey Street"? That's me! The song brings me to tears because that's how I feel.

Oh there's an emptiness inside her
And she'll do anything to fill it in
And though it's red blood bleeding from her now
It's more like cold blue ice in her heart
She feels like kicking out all the windows
And setting fire to this life
She could change everything about her
Using colors bold and bright
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
It breaks her heart

harmless_little_f***

I dunno.... my wife didn't see anything was wrong and by the time she did, she'd already decided to leave me.

josevolution

given2fly78 wrote:

When the other person refuses to see there is a problem?

I know there are a lot of relationship threads on here, so I figure someone must have gone through something like this.

My hubby and I have been together for 10 years. Almost 1/3 of my life. But as time goes on, I realize that we really have nothing in common. Our goals, our dreams, our lifestyle. I do note that you don't have to be with your exact duplicate, but when it comes down to it, our futures just don't seem to be on the same path. And it makes me sad.

When I try and talk to him about anything, he just gets defensive. Or doesn't care. He doesn't see any problems. Life is "status quo". But I've grown, matured, "aged" if you will. And I still have hopes and dreams. And I see that he doesn't share them with me, is almost just along for the ride.

I've made a lot of sacrifices for him. And he doesn't see it. Past is past he says. There are too many things to list, and trust me, I'm willing to change. I have changed, that's probably part of the problem.

I've finally realized that I'm older, different than I was at 19. But it's almost like he's stuck. No goals, no ambition, never wants to grow up. And we don't align anymore. I'm not sure this is what I want anymore.

The biggest thing is, that I've totally alienated myself. We moved to where we live now about 6 years ago. And we never made any new friends, he never wanted to hang out with my friends or go anywhere with the people I met. So we ended up being alone. So I really don't have anyone. I feel alone.

If I left (what a mess that would be) I'd start 100% over. I'd probably move all by myself south. New job, new life, new place, alone. Which sounds liberating in theory, but I'm not sure I can handle it.

How do I fix this? Can it be fixed? Am I just coexsisting? Will I live the rest of my life wondering? How can I make him see that I'm unhappy with what our relationship has become? Do all relationships end up like this? Am I just in a rut?

You know the Dave Matthews Song "Grey Street"? That's me! The song brings me to tears because that's how I feel.

Oh there's an emptiness inside her
And she'll do anything to fill it in
And though it's red blood bleeding from her now
It's more like cold blue ice in her heart
She feels like kicking out all the windows
And setting fire to this life
She could change everything about her
Using colors bold and bright
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
It breaks her heart

send him this in a letter form he needs to see that your very close to cutting ties, at least that could make you feel a bit better like you did something to maybe bring change ....my2c ...

dunkman

first rule of saving a relationship is never ask a bunch of loner music-loving hippy retards on a forum how they would save a relationship....


you have no need for the second rule

SENROCK

do u actually WANT to save it? i mean, if you see how you have changed thru the years. People just change directions in their lives and you being married probably was good at the time. But now that you have "matured" (not aged) maybe its just time to start a new chapter in your life. If you both dont see eye to eye, then end it on good terms instead of hating one another. You shouldnt be held back becuz your spouse isnt feelin' the FLOW. Just really think it out and do whats best for YOU. If u see that theres some hope and u WANT it to work, then lets figure it out. If not, then just end it on a good note and everyone gets what they want. During even the worst of everything, find a way to ALWAYS HAVE A GOOD TIME!!! TRUST ME, it helps.

lalalalaaaaaaaa

Everyone says this, but life is too short to be unhappy. Just think about what's worse: feeling the way you do now for the rest of your life, or going through the initial mess of a divorce.

Good luck.

GreenTeaDisease

SENROCK! wrote:

do u actually WANT to save it? i mean, if you see how you have changed thru the years. People just change directions in their lives and you being married probably was good at the time. But now that you have "matured" (not aged) maybe its just time to start a new chapter in your life. If you both dont see eye to eye, then end it on good terms instead of hating one another. You shouldnt be held back becuz your spouse isnt feelin' the FLOW. Just really think it out and do whats best for YOU. If u see that theres some hope and u WANT it to work, then lets figure it out. If not, then just end it on a good note and everyone gets what they want. During even the worst of everything, find a way to ALWAYS HAVE A GOOD TIME!!! TRUST ME, it helps.

that was my first thought too- you shouldn't have to try to "save" a relationship. It's true that people are totally different at age 19 than they are 10 years later, that is a no brainer! those years are very formative.

Spunkie

Focus on the similarities.

harmless_little_f***

dunkman wrote:

first rule of saving a relationship is never ask a bunch of loner music-loving hippy retards on a forum how they would save a relationship....

HAHAHAHAHA

Word.

harmless_little_f***

tish wrote:

Focus on the similarities.

What about if you're both similarly bored?

dunkman

harmless_little_f*** wrote:

HAHAHAHAHA

Word.

wow.. 2nd rule is never ever say 'word' in replying to a post

you're truly FCUK'd

Spunkie

You missed the first suggestion to stay positive.

surferdude

I don't think you can save a relationship. The only relationships I've seen that last are where both parties are pig headed and refuse to leave, regardless of how much it sucks.
Sounds like that's the position your husband is taking.
What postion are you willing to take to "save the marriage"? How pig headed can you be?

harmless_little_f***

dunkman wrote:

wow.. 2nd rule is never ever say 'word' in replying to a post

you're truly FCUK'd

Yeah, it works better verbally. I think saying 'Word' in a well-spoken English accent is the ultimate in Morissettian irony.

harmless_little_f***

tish wrote:

You missed the first suggestion to stay positive.

You missed the part where I was joking.

given2fly78

dunkman wrote:

first rule of saving a relationship is never ask a bunch of loner music-loving hippy retards on a forum how they would save a relationship....


you have no need for the second rule

I'm amongst my peers LOL!

Well, good answers all around. Much appreciated. To whom said "how pig headed can I be?" that's a good point. I've made attempts to talk to him, to make him see that I'm not 100% happy in our relationship, that I think we need to make some changes. But he says it's all good, that maybe I need to "just start taking happy pills". Nice, huh? I'm not depressed. That's NOT it, and I've told him that the main reason I can't talk to him is due to responses like that. So it's not that I haven't made an effort. I'm not one much for counseling, but I figured maybe a 3rd party would help. Suggested to him, shot down. He doesn't see a problem. To which I say, my unhappiness isn't a problem to you? And again, "go on happy pills".

But on the other hand, isn't marriage for better or for worse? Shouldn't I TRY to make it work? Make an effort? Not just call it quits? Isn't that selfish?

Everything else is good! Work, top notch! Family, many blessings! But this facet of my life, which is MOST of my life is just giving me a beat down. And I'm starting to think he refuses to see it.

justam

given2fly78 wrote:

When the other person refuses to see there is a problem?

I know there are a lot of relationship threads on here, so I figure someone must have gone through something like this.

My hubby and I have been together for 10 years. Almost 1/3 of my life. But as time goes on, I realize that we really have nothing in common. Our goals, our dreams, our lifestyle. I do note that you don't have to be with your exact duplicate, but when it comes down to it, our futures just don't seem to be on the same path. And it makes me sad.

When I try and talk to him about anything, he just gets defensive. Or doesn't care. He doesn't see any problems. Life is "status quo". But I've grown, matured, "aged" if you will. And I still have hopes and dreams. And I see that he doesn't share them with me, is almost just along for the ride.

I've made a lot of sacrifices for him. And he doesn't see it. Past is past he says. There are too many things to list, and trust me, I'm willing to change. I have changed, that's probably part of the problem.

I've finally realized that I'm older, different than I was at 19. But it's almost like he's stuck. No goals, no ambition, never wants to grow up. And we don't align anymore. I'm not sure this is what I want anymore.

The biggest thing is, that I've totally alienated myself. We moved to where we live now about 6 years ago. And we never made any new friends, he never wanted to hang out with my friends or go anywhere with the people I met. So we ended up being alone. So I really don't have anyone. I feel alone.

If I left (what a mess that would be) I'd start 100% over. I'd probably move all by myself south. New job, new life, new place, alone. Which sounds liberating in theory, but I'm not sure I can handle it.

How do I fix this? Can it be fixed? Am I just coexsisting? Will I live the rest of my life wondering? How can I make him see that I'm unhappy with what our relationship has become? Do all relationships end up like this? Am I just in a rut?

You know the Dave Matthews Song "Grey Street"? That's me! The song brings me to tears because that's how I feel.

Oh there's an emptiness inside her
And she'll do anything to fill it in
And though it's red blood bleeding from her now
It's more like cold blue ice in her heart
She feels like kicking out all the windows
And setting fire to this life
She could change everything about her
Using colors bold and bright
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
It breaks her heart

Unless you have young children, it sounds like you should just go.

given2fly78

No kids. Just a house.

Honest, I've thought many times about leaving. What keeps me? That look on his face. The fact that we've been together for so long. That he knows me so well (I thought). That he was my best friend for so many years. The fact that he depends on me so much. That I'm scared that he'll go back to drinking (even though I KNOW that's not my fault. He's a big boy who makes his own decisions. But head and heart are 2 different things).

And honestly? The mess of a divorce. The splitting, the separation, the potential for him hating me. Having to deal with selling the house, watching all my hopes and dreams from so long ago go POOF! Up in smoke. The disappointment.

And, always wondering if I made the wrong decision. Either way, can I win?

harmless_little_f***

given2fly78 wrote:

I'm amongst my peers LOL!

Well, good answers all around. Much appreciated. To whom said "how pig headed can I be?" that's a good point. I've made attempts to talk to him, to make him see that I'm not 100% happy in our relationship, that I think we need to make some changes. But he says it's all good, that maybe I need to "just start taking happy pills". Nice, huh? I'm not depressed. That's NOT it, and I've told him that the main reason I can't talk to him is due to responses like that. So it's not that I haven't made an effort. I'm not one much for counseling, but I figured maybe a 3rd party would help. Suggested to him, shot down. He doesn't see a problem. To which I say, my unhappiness isn't a problem to you? And again, "go on happy pills".

But on the other hand, isn't marriage for better or for worse? Shouldn't I TRY to make it work? Make an effort? Not just call it quits? Isn't that selfish?

Everything else is good! Work, top notch! Family, many blessings! But this facet of my life, which is MOST of my life is just giving me a beat down. And I'm starting to think he refuses to see it.

You sound like my wife a year ago, but I never said anything as retarded as 'Go on happy pills.' That's lame.

I was prepared to try and make it work to the death, but when there's only one person with a will....

Anyway, do what you want with that information.. She reached her conclusion, I sincerely hope you reach yours.

harmless_little_f***

given2fly78 wrote:

No kids. Just a house.

Honest, I've thought many times about leaving. What keeps me? That look on his face. The fact that we've been together for so long. That he knows me so well (I thought). That he was my best friend for so many years. The fact that he depends on me so much. That I'm scared that he'll go back to drinking (even though I KNOW that's not my fault. He's a big boy who makes his own decisions. But head and heart are 2 different things).

And honestly? The mess of a divorce. The splitting, the separation, the potential for him hating me. Having to deal with selling the house, watching all my hopes and dreams from so long ago go POOF! Up in smoke. The disappointment.

And, always wondering if I made the wrong decision. Either way, can I win?

You will win if in the long run you are happier.

surferdude

given2fly78 wrote:

watching all my hopes and dreams from so long ago go POOF! Up in smoke.

No offence but it sounds like they went up in smoke quite a while ago. You've just been living in the ashes of your shattered dreams.