How do you save a relationship?

135

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  • iluvcats
    iluvcats Posts: 5,153
    edited :)
    i hope you all get counseling and work it out. (my first husband would not)
    9/98, 9/00 - DC, 4/03 - Pitt., 7/03 - Bristow, 10/04 - Reading, 10/05 - Philly, 5/06 - DC, 6/06 - Pitt., 6/08 - Va Beach, 6/08 - DC, 5/10 - Bristow, 10/13 B'more
    8/08 - Ed solo in DC, 6/09 Ed in B'more,
    10/10 - Brad in B'more
  • genie
    genie Posts: 2,222
    surferdude wrote:
    You've just been living in the ashes of your shattered dreams.

    Wow dude, that sounds so depressingly romantic.:)

    If it was me i'd leave him, and i'd leave everything, because once the feeling is gone,its gone....any relationship after that is living together in a lie.

    but that's just me.

    i'm leaving my job soon, i've cut out majority of my fake friends....sure if i'd stay i would have moved on with my life and i would've appeared to have it all resonably paid job, maybe my own flat later on, lots of friends......but it would've been all on the outside. i'm also deciding whether to stay or not in my new relationship, but frankly my heart tells me i've made my mind up on that one too.
    sure i'm loosing lots of things, but with it i will gain freedom and happiness.
    and these are two things in my life i'm not willing so sacrifce.
  • genie
    genie Posts: 2,222
    my boyfriend has done some really nice things for people/animals too, but should this be the only reason for me to stay with him?

    the way i figure it out is like this:

    if my heart doesn't beat faster or if i'm not happy to speak with my bf on the phone,
    if i don't miss him,
    if i don't think about him lots during the day, and so on.

    then i shouldn't be in this kind of relationship.
  • Rygar
    Rygar Posts: 8,711
    genie wrote:
    i'm glad you are with your husband, and the story you've written is interesting.but i'd like to discuss this, in this post you basically said that your husband is sweet and kind man. But is the kindness of his heart all that you need?
    my boyfriend has done some really nice things for people/animals too, but should this be the only reason for me to stay with him?

    the way i figure it out is like this:

    if my heart doesn't beat faster or if i'm not happy to speak with my bf on the phone,
    if i don't miss him,
    if i don't think about him lots during the day, and so on.

    then i shouldn't be in this kind of relationship.

    How do you know that someone even exists that will fulfill that criteria anyway?
  • iluvcats
    iluvcats Posts: 5,153
    I don't know genie.

    everyone has different needs. I sent you a PM.
    9/98, 9/00 - DC, 4/03 - Pitt., 7/03 - Bristow, 10/04 - Reading, 10/05 - Philly, 5/06 - DC, 6/06 - Pitt., 6/08 - Va Beach, 6/08 - DC, 5/10 - Bristow, 10/13 B'more
    8/08 - Ed solo in DC, 6/09 Ed in B'more,
    10/10 - Brad in B'more
  • genie
    genie Posts: 2,222
    Rygar wrote:
    How do you know that someone even exists that will fulfill that criteria anyway?

    my ex did! and my current friend does who is much older than me and i'm not physically attracted to him.
  • iluvcats
    iluvcats Posts: 5,153
    the heart beating fast, genie.......hmmmm....that is a hard one to answer.

    a trial separation could be a way for you to tell.
    9/98, 9/00 - DC, 4/03 - Pitt., 7/03 - Bristow, 10/04 - Reading, 10/05 - Philly, 5/06 - DC, 6/06 - Pitt., 6/08 - Va Beach, 6/08 - DC, 5/10 - Bristow, 10/13 B'more
    8/08 - Ed solo in DC, 6/09 Ed in B'more,
    10/10 - Brad in B'more
  • Rygar
    Rygar Posts: 8,711
    genie wrote:
    my ex did! and my current friend does who is much older than me and i'm not physically attracted to him.
    Ok, well there you go.
    I would think that someone like this doesn't exist for everyone.
  • iluvcats
    iluvcats Posts: 5,153
    Rygar wrote:
    I am not disagreeing that poster's husband and the marriage would benefit from counselling, nor am I saying he shouldn't be told to do it. I'm just saying that the ultimatum approach could have the reverse effect if OP wants to save the marriage. Get him into counselling, but don't tell him "do it or I'm leaving".
    Know what I mean, Vern?

    some people are really against counseling. sadly some see it as a weakness.
    9/98, 9/00 - DC, 4/03 - Pitt., 7/03 - Bristow, 10/04 - Reading, 10/05 - Philly, 5/06 - DC, 6/06 - Pitt., 6/08 - Va Beach, 6/08 - DC, 5/10 - Bristow, 10/13 B'more
    8/08 - Ed solo in DC, 6/09 Ed in B'more,
    10/10 - Brad in B'more
  • Rygar
    Rygar Posts: 8,711
    iluvcats wrote:
    some people are really against counseling. sadly some see it as a weakness.
    I didn't mean it against counselling, just that the blunt delivery might cause the husband to overlook the meaning and see it as a desire to separate - no if's, and's or but's.
    If he's against counselling and won't do it, that is a different scenario.
  • genie
    genie Posts: 2,222
    Rygar wrote:
    Ok, well there you go.
    I would think that someone like this doesn't exist for everyone.

    actually my response to you was slightly wrong. you are talking about criteria, and i was talking about my feeling towards the person.

    now:

    i would consider a criteria to be, hair colour, type of music, height, weight..etc.

    what i was talking about should not be called "criteria". i have different feelings towards different people. there were at least 3 people in my life to whom i felt this way.

    oh, and btw, heart beating faster is a bit of my exaguration, so people don't take the heart comment to seriously. :)
  • Rygar
    Rygar Posts: 8,711
    genie wrote:
    actually my response to you was slightly wrong. you are talking about criteria, and i was talking about my feeling towards the person.

    now:

    i would consider a criteria to be, hair colour, type of music, height, weight..etc.

    what i was talking about should not be called "criteria". i have different feelings towards different people. there were at least 3 people in my life to whom i felt this way.

    oh, and btw, heart beating faster is a bit of my exaguration, so people don't take the heart comment to seriously. :)
    Sorry, I just referred to what you listed as 'criteria'.
  • roar
    roar Posts: 1,116
    harmless_little_f*** wrote:
    And you're also 'just sayin' that it's people's own fault for not trying hard enough, right?

    no...i would have said it if that's what i meant.
  • genie
    genie Posts: 2,222
    Rygar wrote:
    Sorry, I just referred to what you listed as 'criteria'.

    that's alright, but i know a person like this exists, trust me i don't ask much from a guy, i turn a blind eye to certain things. but if i notice there is not "chemistry" a word people like to use these days, than i'm not going to bother wasting my time and leading the guy on to thinking we can live happily for long time. i don't think it's fair for both.
  • Rygar
    Rygar Posts: 8,711
    genie wrote:
    that's alright, but i know a person like this exists, trust me i don't ask much from a guy, i turn a blind eye to certain things. but if i notice there is not "chemistry" a word people like to use these days, than i'm not going to bother wasting my time and leading the guy on to thinking we can live happily for long time. i don't think it's fair for both.
    Fair enough, valid points.
  • harmless_little_f***
    harmless_little_f*** Posts: 8,005
    roar wrote:
    no...i would have said it if that's what i meant.

    I don't think you would've done, no... you were trying to be subtle. You referred to a 'culture of divorce' to which you obviously turn up your nose... Funny thing is, I only recognise it because I was the same... before my wife walked out. And look, I've just joined this 'culture of divorce' of which you speak...

    You're right. People have no commitment these days, huh. :rolleyes:
    'We're learning songs for baby Jesus' birthday. His mum and dad were Merry and Joseph. He had a bed made of clay and the three kings bought him Gold, Frankenstein and Merv as presents.'

    - the great Sir Leo Harrison
  • Rygar
    Rygar Posts: 8,711
    harmless_little_f*** wrote:
    I don't think you would've done, no... you were trying to be subtle. You referred to a 'culture of divorce' to which you obviously turn up your nose... Funny thing is, I only recognise it because I was the same... before my wife walked out. And look, I've just joined this 'culture of divorce' of which you speak...

    You're right. People have no commitment these days, huh. :rolleyes:
    You're putting meaning in there due to your own interpretation of his post, doode.
  • harmless_little_f***
    harmless_little_f*** Posts: 8,005
    Rygar wrote:
    You're putting meaning in there due to your own interpretation of his post, doode.

    If I'm wrong, I'm prepared to stand corrected. :)
    'We're learning songs for baby Jesus' birthday. His mum and dad were Merry and Joseph. He had a bed made of clay and the three kings bought him Gold, Frankenstein and Merv as presents.'

    - the great Sir Leo Harrison
  • Rygar
    Rygar Posts: 8,711
    harmless_little_f*** wrote:
    If I'm wrong, I'm prepared to stand corrected. :)
    Well he/she said he/she didn't mean it that way.
    I can understand that, given rising divorce rates and such. Doesn't mean everyone who gets divorced is taking an 'easy way out'. It just means more people are getting divorced nowadays than ever before (that's a generalization, I know, but it's true, isn't it?).
  • JordyWordy
    JordyWordy Posts: 2,261
    Rygar wrote:
    You're putting meaning in there due to your own interpretation of his post, doode.

    not trying to be nit-picking, but what is the other interpretation? i instantly took it too be meant the way harmless read it too, is there a meaning ive missed?? (not trying to debate, just wana know what ive missed)

    a culture of unhappy marriage can be even worse than a culture of divorce

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