How do you save a relationship?

justam

given2fly78 wrote:

No kids. Just a house.

Honest, I've thought many times about leaving. What keeps me? That look on his face. The fact that we've been together for so long. That he knows me so well (I thought). That he was my best friend for so many years. The fact that he depends on me so much. That I'm scared that he'll go back to drinking (even though I KNOW that's not my fault. He's a big boy who makes his own decisions. But head and heart are 2 different things).

And honestly? The mess of a divorce. The splitting, the separation, the potential for him hating me. Having to deal with selling the house, watching all my hopes and dreams from so long ago go POOF! Up in smoke. The disappointment.

And, always wondering if I made the wrong decision. Either way, can I win?

If you have no children, I think you're wasting your life if you stay. Period.

You don't owe another adult ANYTHING. Especially if the person won't talk to you about problems in the relationship.

angryyoungman

given2fly78 wrote:

When the other person refuses to see there is a problem?

I know there are a lot of relationship threads on here, so I figure someone must have gone through something like this.

My hubby and I have been together for 10 years. Almost 1/3 of my life. But as time goes on, I realize that we really have nothing in common. Our goals, our dreams, our lifestyle. I do note that you don't have to be with your exact duplicate, but when it comes down to it, our futures just don't seem to be on the same path. And it makes me sad.

When I try and talk to him about anything, he just gets defensive. Or doesn't care. He doesn't see any problems. Life is "status quo". But I've grown, matured, "aged" if you will. And I still have hopes and dreams. And I see that he doesn't share them with me, is almost just along for the ride.

I've made a lot of sacrifices for him. And he doesn't see it. Past is past he says. There are too many things to list, and trust me, I'm willing to change. I have changed, that's probably part of the problem.

I've finally realized that I'm older, different than I was at 19. But it's almost like he's stuck. No goals, no ambition, never wants to grow up. And we don't align anymore. I'm not sure this is what I want anymore.

The biggest thing is, that I've totally alienated myself. We moved to where we live now about 6 years ago. And we never made any new friends, he never wanted to hang out with my friends or go anywhere with the people I met. So we ended up being alone. So I really don't have anyone. I feel alone.

If I left (what a mess that would be) I'd start 100% over. I'd probably move all by myself south. New job, new life, new place, alone. Which sounds liberating in theory, but I'm not sure I can handle it.

How do I fix this? Can it be fixed? Am I just coexsisting? Will I live the rest of my life wondering? How can I make him see that I'm unhappy with what our relationship has become? Do all relationships end up like this? Am I just in a rut?

You know the Dave Matthews Song "Grey Street"? That's me! The song brings me to tears because that's how I feel.

Oh there's an emptiness inside her
And she'll do anything to fill it in
And though it's red blood bleeding from her now
It's more like cold blue ice in her heart
She feels like kicking out all the windows
And setting fire to this life
She could change everything about her
Using colors bold and bright
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
It breaks her heart

ugh. . .time to get all dr. phil here: "growing in a relationship", chick for "before i didnt, now i wanna have kids" , and your man still doesnt . .yes or no? thats the vibe im gettin here

quote from your sig:
How to be happy and true is the quest we're taking on together" Pearl Jam's Thin Air - 1st dance at my wedding!

given2fly78

angryyoungman wrote:

ugh. . .time to get all dr. phil here: "growing in a relationship", chick for "before i didnt, now i wanna have kids" , and your man still doesnt . .yes or no? thats the vibe im gettin here

quote from your sig:
How to be happy and true is the quest we're taking on together" Pearl Jam's Thin Air - 1st dance at my wedding!

Funny enough, I don't want kids - never have, never will. Not something that interests me. Great for some people, but not my proverbial cup of tea. Wrong vibe, sorry!

I'm trying to work on the quest, but it takes TWO! That's the hardest part.

brain of c

given2fly78 wrote:

Funny enough, I don't want kids - never have, never will. Not something that interests me. Great for some people, but not my proverbial cup of tea. Wrong vibe, sorry!

I'm trying to work on the quest, but it takes TWO! That's the hardest part.

end it. then look for a new partner.

pjtradeking

I am the LAST person who should be giving advice, but here is my two cents.

If you are staying for him because you dont want to hurt him, you are cheating yourself. I know this scenario all too well. You will grow to resent him if things dont change and be the way you want or hope them to be. You will stay for the sake of staying and you will in turn start to hate yourself for it as well.

If you TRULY love him and want it to work...Tell him(dont suggest, TELL HIM) that if he doesnt go to counseling and try to make things better between you, that you are going to leave him. He will either tell you to get your happy pills again, (in which case, he will have made your decision for you), or he will stand up and "Holy, shit, I guess she is serious!" and he will put forth the effort as well if he wants it to work too.

You are young, and it sounds like you are a strong person who could make a new start on her own no matter what the decision. Dont wait, act now. It is very easy to become complacent and just learn to deal. No way to live, trust me.

Good Luck to you.

Marbles

You're staying for a house, and the hurt pride that would come from a divorce?

Walk now, before you have kids and make it worse.

Whizbang

justam wrote:

If you have no children, I think you're wasting your life if you stay. Period.

You don't owe another adult ANYTHING. Especially if the person won't talk to you about problems in the relationship.

agreed. You've given him what you owe to him as your partner, best friend - you've communicated, compromised, considered his feelings. If your best friend won't listen to you when you're telling them how you feel, what you think and his only response is for you to take happy pills? He's no longer your best friend. There is nothing wrong with trying, as you have been. But if it's met with unresponsiveness and "there's nothing wrong with us", there's not much to save of the relationship.

Being alone is better than wishing you were.

PJGARDEN

I'm sorry but I have to disagree with most of the people here. It sounds to me like your not ready to give up. Relationships, especially marriages, are hard. You will go through some hard times and other times will be great. The hard times will make you closer. Like you said in one of your earlier post, marriage is for better or worse and right now happens to be worse. I think you need to do everything you can to make him understand how unhappy you are and then work on your relationship. Good Luck!

deadmosquito

PJGARDEN wrote:

I'm sorry but I have to disagree with most of the people here. It sounds to me like your not ready to give up. Relationships, especially marriages, are hard. You will go through some hard times and other times will be great. The hard times will make you closer. Like you said in one of your earlier post, marriage is for better or worse and right now happens to be worse. I think you need to do everything you can to make him understand how unhappy you are and then work on your relationship. Good Luck!

i think i agree with this. i know it sucks for you right now, but maybe he's going through something too and is having trouble communicating it. maybe he notices how you feel and he thinks that if he just pretends everything is normal it will eventually be fine again. which obviously is not the case. i would definitely keep trying to get him to go to counseling with you, or maybe you should go by yourself and see what happens there. maybe you guys need a vacation together or something to change up the daily routine you seem to be stuck in. maybe i just believe too much in trying to make things work and sticking it out for the long haul, but that's sorta what getting married is all about. it's promising to do that. otherwise, why would you get married, rather than just co-habitate?

but what do i know at 22? that's my two cents, feel free to take it or leave it.

Marbles

Frankly, the OP sounded like typical abuser BS. Separate you from all outside support. Make you feel like shit...

I took it with that grain of salt.

roar

our culture of divorce is really depressing. just sayin'.

harmless_little_f***

roar wrote:

our culture of divorce is really depressing. just sayin'.

And you're also 'just sayin' that it's people's own fault for not trying hard enough, right?

decides2dream

pjtradeking wrote:

I am the LAST person who should be giving advice, but here is my two cents.

If you are staying for him because you dont want to hurt him, you are cheating yourself. I know this scenario all too well. You will grow to resent him if things dont change and be the way you want or hope them to be. You will stay for the sake of staying and you will in turn start to hate yourself for it as well.

If you TRULY love him and want it to work...Tell him(dont suggest, TELL HIM) that if he doesnt go to counseling and try to make things better between you, that you are going to leave him. He will either tell you to get your happy pills again, (in which case, he will have made your decision for you), or he will stand up and "Holy, shit, I guess she is serious!" and he will put forth the effort as well if he wants it to work too.

You are young, and it sounds like you are a strong person who could make a new start on her own no matter what the decision. Dont wait, act now. It is very easy to become complacent and just learn to deal. No way to live, trust me.

Good Luck to you.

the part i bolded, that is IT imho. seriously. be sure you MEN it before you say it. doesn't mean you have to decide to move out tomorrow, but that you WILL follow through and let him know that. it is amazing what people in a relationship will do to avoid the 'reality' of their situation, or simply fail to see the seriousness of the issue. sounds like that may be what's up with your husband, but only you would know for sure. i truly think counseling is the *answer*...no it won't *fix* your marriage, but firstly, him agreeing would mean he too TRULY does love you and wants to stay married...and then simply counselling will help you BOTH see what's missing, and most importantly, COMMUNICATE it! it may not *save* your marriage...or it may...but what it will do is equip you for either scenario, and let you both think/feel you gave it your ALL. let's face it, you loved each other enough to get married and stay married 10 years....i think you owe it to yourselves to exhaust your options before walking away.



btw - i do have to say, anyone who thinks simply b/c children are NOT involved, that you don't owe your partner anything....well :mad: to me, first and foremost marriage is a COMMITMENT made between 2 people. if that also results in a family, sure, that adds to it and most definitely complicates things if you consider splitting. however, even withOUT children, i don't think anyone should take a cavalier and/or me first stance in regards to marriage. if ultimately it can't be fixed/saved/worked on....that's that....but i truly believe the commitment between 2 people deserves a bit more respect. it is NOT only about if children are involved, but also.....2 lives that have been bound together and what efforts are worth it, figuring out when it's time to keep at it, or time to walk away.


i wish you both the vesry BEST. it IS so important to reassess, and you absolutely deserve to be happy, as does your spouse.....so good to figure out sooner rather than later if you'll be happier staying together or going your seperate ways.

deadnote

god will provide you with eternal love if you just ride the wave
pray about it , a lot of relationships end up in a rut because im not happy with myself, how could i ever be good enough for someone else

peace and love

Rygar

decides2dream wrote:

the part i bolded, that is IT imho. seriously. be sure you MEN it before you say it. doesn't mean you have to decide to move out tomorrow, but that you WILL follow through and let him know that. it is amazing what people in a relationship will do to avoid the 'reality' of their situation, or simply fail to see the seriousness of the issue. sounds like that may be what's up with your husband, but only you would know for sure. i truly think counseling is the *answer*...no it won't *fix* your marriage, but firstly, him agreeing would mean he too TRULY does love you and wants to stay married...and then simply counselling will help you BOTH see what's missing, and most importantly, COMMUNICATE it! it may not *save* your marriage...or it may...but what it will do is equip you for either scenario, and let you both think/feel you gave it your ALL. let's face it, you loved each other enough to get married and stay married 10 years....i think you owe it to yourselves to exhaust your options before walking away.


btw - i do have to say, anyone who thinks simply b/c children are NOT involved, that you don't owe your partner anything....well :mad: to me, first and foremost marriage is a COMMITMENT made between 2 people. if that also results in a family, sure, that adds to it and most definitely complicates things if you consider splitting. however, even withOUT children, i don't think anyone should take a cavalier and/or me first stance in regards to marriage. if ultimately it can't be fixed/saved/worked on....that's that....but i truly believe the commitment between 2 people deserves a bit more respect. it is NOT only about if children are involved, but also.....2 lives that have been bound together and what efforts are worth it, figuring out when it's time to keep at it, or time to walk away.


i wish you both the vesry BEST. it IS so important to reassess, and you absolutely deserve to be happy, as does your spouse.....so good to figure out sooner rather than later if you'll be happier staying together or going your seperate ways.

While I'm not disagreeing with you, OP might not want to put the counselling on him in the form of an ultimatum.

decides2dream

Rygar wrote:

While I'm not disagreeing with you, OP might not want to put the counselling on him in the form of an ultimatum.

if she is at the point of simply walking away, why not? personally, i think it's an excellent idea. i don't know how/what will work in her personal situation, i DO know of couples that it DID come down to that....and yea....it 'saved' their marriage, was just the impetus they needed, better/happier than ever....and sure, conversely, other couopes who after counseling realized, yea...time to walk away. to me it really clarifies/resolves the issue for both parties. to me, it sounds like her husband is ignoring/avoiding the seriousness of the issues/her feelings....and is simply not dealing. THIS would make him see, clear as day, it really IS that serious...and here is your chance to either try, or say fine....and walk away. just my 2 cents.

rearviewmiror

roar wrote:

our culture of divorce is really depressing. just sayin'.

Yes it is, and it's also depressing for those who do it. It's not as easy as it sounds, despite how often it happens. Sometimes people just grow apart.

Rygar

decides2dream wrote:

if she is at the point of simply walking away, why not? personally, i think it's an excellent idea. i don't know how/what will work in her personal situation, i DO know of couples that it DID come down to that....and yea....it 'saved' their marriage, was just the impetus they needed, better/happier than ever....and sure, conversely, other couopes who after counseling realized, yea...time to walk away. to me it really clarifies/resolves the issue for both parties. to me, it sounds like her husband is ignoring/avoiding the seriousness of the issues/her feelings....and is simply not dealing. THIS would make him see, clear as day, it really IS that serious...and here is your chance to either try, or say fine....and walk away. just my 2 cents.

I am not disagreeing that poster's husband and the marriage would benefit from counselling, nor am I saying he shouldn't be told to do it. I'm just saying that the ultimatum approach could have the reverse effect if OP wants to save the marriage. Get him into counselling, but don't tell him "do it or I'm leaving".
Know what I mean, Vern?

decides2dream

Rygar wrote:

I am not disagreeing that poster's husband and the marriage would benefit from counselling, nor am I saying he shouldn't be told to do it. I'm just saying that the ultimatum approach could have the reverse effect if OP wants to save the marriage. Get him into counselling, but don't tell him "do it or I'm leaving".
Know what I mean, Vern?

i do.
however, i am saying sometimes such tactics are necessary. from the little i can gather here, it appears as if the husband is blind to/ignoring/avoiding the real issues at hand. it sounds like it's been 'discussed' and dismissed, many times over with little to no effect. i also think there are ways of offering the 'ultimatum' that makes it feel much less like an actual ultimatum, and much more like 'hey! wake-up call! things really ARE this desperate, you have been disregarding my feelings, my attempts to work it out and communicate...so this is it! we NEED an objective third-party to help us back on track or there is nothing left, no other choice but to leave." i will add that obviously, only the OP knows or can imagine how her husband will react and the best way of approaching it all.

it DOES sound like while seriously considering leaving, that she also seriously would like to save her marriage. the fact that the title of this thread is "HOW do you save a relationship" speaks volumes to me. sounds pro-active and a true desire. hopefully, her husband WILL see just how dire the situation is, and that HE needs to act/participate in the salvage efforts. either way, i hope all involved find what they need/want. life is too short to be unhappy, but i also believe the commitment of marriage deserves every effort before giving up. once every effort is exhausted and it is STILL evident needs are unmet, someone is dissatisified/unhappy, time to go and find happiness elsewhere. however, counseling could be just the ticket back to why they fell in love and stayed together, and give them new tools to take with them to keep their marriage happy and satisfying. bottomline, it takes BOTH in the couple to own up to the issues, their part in em and the TRUE desire to work through it.


*i will add the caveat, IF she can suggest counseling without the ultimatum and get him there, GREAT! but if it really is so desperately far gone and he is so avoiding the reality, sometimes it 'the ultimatum' IS the last change/effort. as i said though, you have to KNOW that's what you'll do and follow through...so don't 'go there' until you are absolutely ready/aware that it really IS counseling or it's over.

Rygar

decides2dream wrote:

*i will add the caveat, IF she can suggest counseling without the ultimatum and get him there, GREAT! but if it really is so desperately far gone and he is so avoiding the reality, sometimes it 'the ultimatum' IS the last change/effort. as i said though, you have to KNOW that's what you'll do and follow through...so don't 'go there' until you are absolutely ready/aware that it really IS counseling or it's over.

I agree completely.