Dying alone

brianlux

dignin said:

brianlux said:

Alright knuckleheads, everybody to the lounge for some chill out time!

The lounge? No way, someone shit in a garbage can there.

dankind said:

dignin said:

brianlux said:

Alright knuckleheads, everybody to the lounge for some chill out time!

The lounge? No way, someone shit in a garbage can there.

Oh goddammit!  DANKIND!!!

dankind

brianlux said:

dankind said:

dignin said:

brianlux said:

Alright knuckleheads, everybody to the lounge for some chill out time!

The lounge? No way, someone shit in a garbage can there.

Oh goddammit!  DANKIND!!!

HughFreakingDillon

F Me In The Brain said:

HughFreakingDillon said:

F Me In The Brain said:

I like how you can say something like "any sensible person would" - and act like that is just another thing to say in a conversation.  You are calling the other person insensible.  
That is not cool. 
I also read it similarly to that.  I didn't necessarily think that this is what you meant to convey but to me that is what the original statement was conveying.  So you can say whatever you want and regardless of what is said...your intended meaning is all that matters?  
I have a thirteen years old that lives with us that constantly says "what I meant was...." After we question something he says that we think is messed up.  

Others saying that they know that's not what you meant doesnt mean anyone that questions what they read is without their mental facilities.

but if i clarify it with other statements making it crystal fucking clear what i meant and that person is still adamant that they are right in what was in my mind then that person is just being a fucking contrarian and a troll. 

A fucking contrarian and a troll?

i don't take victim shaming accusations lightly. 

dankind

HughFreakingDillon said:

F Me In The Brain said:

HughFreakingDillon said:

F Me In The Brain said:

I like how you can say something like "any sensible person would" - and act like that is just another thing to say in a conversation.  You are calling the other person insensible.  
That is not cool. 
I also read it similarly to that.  I didn't necessarily think that this is what you meant to convey but to me that is what the original statement was conveying.  So you can say whatever you want and regardless of what is said...your intended meaning is all that matters?  
I have a thirteen years old that lives with us that constantly says "what I meant was...." After we question something he says that we think is messed up.  

Others saying that they know that's not what you meant doesnt mean anyone that questions what they read is without their mental facilities.

but if i clarify it with other statements making it crystal fucking clear what i meant and that person is still adamant that they are right in what was in my mind then that person is just being a fucking contrarian and a troll. 

A fucking contrarian and a troll?

i don't take victim shaming accusations lightly. 

Thoughts_Arrive

oftenreading said:

Thoughts_Arrive said:

Miss.Snowdrop said:

The "dying alone" part is not all that scary to me, but the thought of nobody caring if I am dead or alive is. But I guess that is why Thoughts_Arrive brought it up, Yes, the lack of social interaction or relationships can be pretty scary, I totally get it. But the only way to change that is to "go out there".  I know, it sounds so much easier than it is in reality. Who wants to sit alone in a bar, hoping someone will talk to you. I am not that kind of person either, unless there is a band I really want to see, then I don't care, if I know anyone.
But what worked for me, was finding a group with similar interest. In my case it's as simple as a crochet and knitting group. 
I am sure there are meet ups out there, that you share an interest with. Yes, it is daunting to walk into a room with a bunch of strangers, super awkward. But nothing is going to change unless you take a little risk. Sure, it can happen, that you don't like them but you could also meet interesting people you want to hang out with. You won't know until you try. The worst that can happen is that you lose a few hours of your life...

This is what a psychologist I used to see kept pushing me to do, go online for meet-up groups and meet strangers.
I could never do it and in the end it caused a lot of frustration in my psychologist and it ended our relationship.
I just don't like the idea of meeting a bunch of strangers in some bar or wherever.
It makes me feel like more of a loser going out on my own to 'look for friends'. 
I just can't bring myself to do it.
It bothered me more so at the time that I didn't have many friends.
Now I've become used to it and accepted this hermit life I live.

I’m not sure what you think everybody else does to meet friends. In the normal course of things, people go somewhere to do something they like to do, and in the course of that they meet other people who like to do the same things, and maybe some become friends. That’s real life. 

I think people meet friends in the context of going out with a group of friends which I do not have.

Thoughts_Arrive

jnimhaoileoin said:

I used to spend an awful lot of time feeling sorry for myself for having no friends. I would see posts on Facebook or wherever of people out in their groups of friends having a great time and I would feel envy. To be honest, it actually still happens. However, now I stop myself and ask 'do I actually want to be out in a big gang of people in a pub?'. The answer is always no, I'm quite happy right where I am, in my own company. It has taken me years to come to the realisation that some of us are just meant to be alone and that it's ok. Of course I find myself wishing sometimes that I had a close friend who I could talk to about everything and who knew all about my life etc. I recognise though that friendship is a two-way street and I'm not willing to give of myself what is required to be a true friend. Therefore, as someone unwilling to give, I must accept that accordingly I cannot expect to avail of such a friendship. If I want to have friends I know I have to be proactive, I have to seek out and seize opportunities to meet people and to connect. I have to make a conscious effort to make and maintain contact. So my current hermit-like existence is a result of a conscious decision not to do any of these things and once I remember that this was my choice, then I am at peace with it. As I say, I do still have those momentary bouts of self-pity but they are just that, momentary. Being alone does not have to mean you are lonely. If you're an introvert like me, perhaps you find human interaction a bit exhausting and something you only want to engage in on your own terms (if I want to connect, I do it online for example, from the comfort of my own home). So I guess I just want to say that sometimes you need to really question your own feelings and reactions and be sure they are actually your own, not those that have been pre-programmed by societal expectations and our interpretation of what is 'normal' and 'desirable' i.e. what we 'should' want and need. 

I deactivated my Facebook account because seeing others enjoying life got me more down.
I need to stop going on Instagram as that has now replaced Facebook.
I'm not a party animal, I don't drink, I don't like crowded and loud bars/pubs/nightclubs.
Just give me a small group to chill at a house with or at a restaurant or go to a concert with.

Thoughts_Arrive

PJPOWER said:

oftenreading said:

Thoughts_Arrive said:

Miss.Snowdrop said:

The "dying alone" part is not all that scary to me, but the thought of nobody caring if I am dead or alive is. But I guess that is why Thoughts_Arrive brought it up, Yes, the lack of social interaction or relationships can be pretty scary, I totally get it. But the only way to change that is to "go out there".  I know, it sounds so much easier than it is in reality. Who wants to sit alone in a bar, hoping someone will talk to you. I am not that kind of person either, unless there is a band I really want to see, then I don't care, if I know anyone.
But what worked for me, was finding a group with similar interest. In my case it's as simple as a crochet and knitting group. 
I am sure there are meet ups out there, that you share an interest with. Yes, it is daunting to walk into a room with a bunch of strangers, super awkward. But nothing is going to change unless you take a little risk. Sure, it can happen, that you don't like them but you could also meet interesting people you want to hang out with. You won't know until you try. The worst that can happen is that you lose a few hours of your life...

This is what a psychologist I used to see kept pushing me to do, go online for meet-up groups and meet strangers.
I could never do it and in the end it caused a lot of frustration in my psychologist and it ended our relationship.
I just don't like the idea of meeting a bunch of strangers in some bar or wherever.
It makes me feel like more of a loser going out on my own to 'look for friends'. 
I just can't bring myself to do it.
It bothered me more so at the time that I didn't have many friends.
Now I've become used to it and accepted this hermit life I live.

I’m not sure what you think everybody else does to meet friends. In the normal course of things, people go somewhere to do something they like to do, and in the course of that they meet other people who like to do the same things, and maybe some become friends. That’s real life. 

These were my thoughts reading this thread.  Most of my friends were found through mutual interests or by being involved in the same activities.  Unless you do go online, your chances of making friends sitting in a dark room living as a hermit are pretty bleak.  What are your interests?  If it is art, search for local artist meet ups and go to them.  If you like wine, go to wine tastings.  The point is that if you want to meet people and potentially make friends (other than online), you are going to have to get out and be around people...You may have to force yourself or step outside of your comfort zone, but if you can get through the anxiety and come out with a pal to meet up with for Saturday breakfast or coffee, then it will have been worth it.  
Secondly...clean up, smell good, focus on the interests of the other instead of trying to prop yourself up when meeting potential partners...

The other thing other than fear which stops me from meeting strangers is my inability to maintain friendships.
Last year serves a good example. Made friends at university and now we no longer speak to each other. I got close to two (a couple) from my university course but we fell out (as I started thread about back in October).
I would never meet any of you in real life, no offence, I have received messages from people wanting to meet me but I don't want to.
You don't want to know me, trust me. I'd only disappoint you all.

HughFreakingDillon

dankind said:

HughFreakingDillon said:

F Me In The Brain said:

HughFreakingDillon said:

F Me In The Brain said:

I like how you can say something like "any sensible person would" - and act like that is just another thing to say in a conversation.  You are calling the other person insensible.  
That is not cool. 
I also read it similarly to that.  I didn't necessarily think that this is what you meant to convey but to me that is what the original statement was conveying.  So you can say whatever you want and regardless of what is said...your intended meaning is all that matters?  
I have a thirteen years old that lives with us that constantly says "what I meant was...." After we question something he says that we think is messed up.  

Others saying that they know that's not what you meant doesnt mean anyone that questions what they read is without their mental facilities.

but if i clarify it with other statements making it crystal fucking clear what i meant and that person is still adamant that they are right in what was in my mind then that person is just being a fucking contrarian and a troll. 

A fucking contrarian and a troll?

i don't take victim shaming accusations lightly. 

all you little gifs are cute. nicely done. 

F Me In The Brain

HughFreakingDillon said:

F Me In The Brain said: me

HughFreakingDillon said:

F Me In The Brain said:

I like how you can say something like "any sensible person would" - and act like that is just another thing to say in a conversation.  You are calling the other person insensible.  
That is not cool. 
I also read it similarly to that.  I didn't necessarily think that this is what you meant to convey but to me that is what the original statement was conveying.  So you can say whatever you want and regardless of what is said...your intended meaning is all that matters?  
I have a thirteen years old that lives with us that constantly says "what I meant was...." After we question something he says that we think is messed up.  

Others saying that they know that's not what you meant doesnt mean anyone that questions what they read is without their mental facilities.

but if i clarify it with other statements making it crystal fucking clear what i meant and that person is still adamant that they are right in what was in my mind then that person is just being a fucking contrarian and a troll. 

A fucking contrarian and a troll?

i don't take victim shaming accusations lightly. 

Good thing you are ok with just being an a#_+-&!

PJPOWER

Thoughts_Arrive said:

PJPOWER said:

oftenreading said:

Thoughts_Arrive said:

Miss.Snowdrop said:

The "dying alone" part is not all that scary to me, but the thought of nobody caring if I am dead or alive is. But I guess that is why Thoughts_Arrive brought it up, Yes, the lack of social interaction or relationships can be pretty scary, I totally get it. But the only way to change that is to "go out there".  I know, it sounds so much easier than it is in reality. Who wants to sit alone in a bar, hoping someone will talk to you. I am not that kind of person either, unless there is a band I really want to see, then I don't care, if I know anyone.
But what worked for me, was finding a group with similar interest. In my case it's as simple as a crochet and knitting group. 
I am sure there are meet ups out there, that you share an interest with. Yes, it is daunting to walk into a room with a bunch of strangers, super awkward. But nothing is going to change unless you take a little risk. Sure, it can happen, that you don't like them but you could also meet interesting people you want to hang out with. You won't know until you try. The worst that can happen is that you lose a few hours of your life...

This is what a psychologist I used to see kept pushing me to do, go online for meet-up groups and meet strangers.
I could never do it and in the end it caused a lot of frustration in my psychologist and it ended our relationship.
I just don't like the idea of meeting a bunch of strangers in some bar or wherever.
It makes me feel like more of a loser going out on my own to 'look for friends'. 
I just can't bring myself to do it.
It bothered me more so at the time that I didn't have many friends.
Now I've become used to it and accepted this hermit life I live.

I’m not sure what you think everybody else does to meet friends. In the normal course of things, people go somewhere to do something they like to do, and in the course of that they meet other people who like to do the same things, and maybe some become friends. That’s real life. 

These were my thoughts reading this thread.  Most of my friends were found through mutual interests or by being involved in the same activities.  Unless you do go online, your chances of making friends sitting in a dark room living as a hermit are pretty bleak.  What are your interests?  If it is art, search for local artist meet ups and go to them.  If you like wine, go to wine tastings.  The point is that if you want to meet people and potentially make friends (other than online), you are going to have to get out and be around people...You may have to force yourself or step outside of your comfort zone, but if you can get through the anxiety and come out with a pal to meet up with for Saturday breakfast or coffee, then it will have been worth it.  
Secondly...clean up, smell good, focus on the interests of the other instead of trying to prop yourself up when meeting potential partners...

The other thing other than fear which stops me from meeting strangers is my inability to maintain friendships.
Last year serves a good example. Made friends at university and now we no longer speak to each other. I got close to two (a couple) from my university course but we fell out (as I started thread about back in October).
I would never meet any of you in real life, no offence, I have received messages from people wanting to meet me but I don't want to.
You don't want to know me, trust me. I'd only disappoint you all.

I’m sorry that you are going through this emotionally roller coaster.  However, i’m glad that you have found a community here and are willing to open up about your feelings.  I know we’re assholes to each other here occasionally, but I think most of us do have good hearts.  I can guarantee you that all of us have been through rough times and it would take a lot to disappoint.  We often think we have ourselves figured out, but often others will find strengths or traits that we never knew existed or were drowned out by the negative emotional clutter.  Maybe it would be a good time to focus on self-improvement and growing instead of trying to find friends that are the perfect fit.  Just remember that everyone has their own flaws or skeletons, but you win the battle when you can accept those and move on.  I truly hope the best for you and hope for some positivity in your life.

kce8

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YvEbT9SMkbY

Miss.Snowdrop

kce8 said:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YvEbT9SMkbY

Glen and Eddie together always warms my heart. That these two have found each other...unbelievable. They both have been my favourite musicians for over a decade (well PJ longer) and created this beautiful thing out of a horrible story...

But that story proofs that you can go through hell and make it out the other end...

kce8

Exactly! That's the point  

HughFreakingDillon

F Me In The Brain said:

HughFreakingDillon said:

F Me In The Brain said: me

HughFreakingDillon said:

F Me In The Brain said:

I like how you can say something like "any sensible person would" - and act like that is just another thing to say in a conversation.  You are calling the other person insensible.  
That is not cool. 
I also read it similarly to that.  I didn't necessarily think that this is what you meant to convey but to me that is what the original statement was conveying.  So you can say whatever you want and regardless of what is said...your intended meaning is all that matters?  
I have a thirteen years old that lives with us that constantly says "what I meant was...." After we question something he says that we think is messed up.  

Others saying that they know that's not what you meant doesnt mean anyone that questions what they read is without their mental facilities.

but if i clarify it with other statements making it crystal fucking clear what i meant and that person is still adamant that they are right in what was in my mind then that person is just being a fucking contrarian and a troll. 

A fucking contrarian and a troll?

i don't take victim shaming accusations lightly. 

Good thing you are ok with just being an a#_+-&!

wow. ok. 

i defend myself and i'm an asshole. there is something seriously wrong with some people here these days. 

F Me In The Brain

It's not that you  defended yourself  it was the way that you did.  Called someone senseless.  Called them a troll.  A contrarian.  Someone that is an open participant on these boards.  
Someone who is none of those things.
You don't see anything wrong there?

HughFreakingDillon

F Me In The Brain said:

It's not that you  defended yourself  it was the way that you did.  Called someone senseless.  Called them a troll.  A contrarian.  Someone that is an open participant on these boards.  
Someone who is none of those things.
You don't see anything wrong there?

you don't see something wrong with accusing someone of something as disgusting as victim shaming, and when that person defends themselves by explaining what they meant, they continue with their position?

the senseless comment was not accurate. i shouldn't have said that. i was feeling attacked and i lashed out. but someone who continues to accuse someone of something when they have explained themselves clearly, is exhibiting trolling behaviour. 

even though this is a semi-anonymous message board, i still tend to take things personally, especially something like that. the girlfriend i mentioned earlier? yeah, she was raped while we were together. she blamed herself. i spent a long time assuring her it was not her fault, and she did nothing wrong, fully supporting her until the day we split (for different reasons). so yeah, that accusation hit me close to home. this is the problem around here sometimes. people take one comment out of context and judge a person harshly when they have no fucking clue what they are talking about. 

and i am none of the things often and you have claimed. yet you both have continued to say these things. you seem to see nothing wrong with that. 

F Me In The Brain

I didn't say you were....what I said was that the text was read that way.  
I actually think I stated that before - but we can move along.  You don't strike me as the type of person to be mean to women.
(I didn't think you a bully either but that was the reaction (overreaction) I observed and responded to.  You explained why you felt the need to react that way.)

HughFreakingDillon

you said i was an asshole, which is what i was referring to there. 

but fine, moving along. 

RYME

HughFreakingDillon said:

RYME said:

HughFreakingDillon said:

HesCalledDyer said:

oftenreading said:

HughFreakingDillon said:

oftenreading said:

HughFreakingDillon said:

HesCalledDyer said:

rgambs said:

HesCalledDyer said:

kce8 said:

HesCalledDyer said:

tweedyfanjen said:

HesCalledDyer said:

Pretty sure at this point I’ll continue to live alone and I’ll die alone.

I'm 40, I’m not interested in women my age, and younger women (understandably) aren’t interested in men my age unless they have money, which I don’t.

Why you aren't you interested in women your age? You're very much limiting yourself with that. My brother who is going through a divorce right now is dating someone 10 years his junior. And he definitely doesn't have money. He's just a really nice guy.

I'm just attracted to younger women. They're livelier, like to live in the now, and do fun things on a whim like I do.  Where I live, women my age have been thrown to the pack too many times. 40 looks like 55.  Most of them have been married once or twice (I don't want to deal with redneck ex-husbands), have kids (I don't want kids, ever. Not mine, not someone else's), own or have owned houses (something else I never want to do), and/or they're just generally fucked up in the head from all the previous baggage.

On top of that, I just have unordinary ideas for how I want things to be in a relationship and I just don't think any woman, regardless of age, is going to go for it.  (Like living separately and possibly never getting married.)

 
That sounds like you never really fell in love before. I promise, when you have found the right girl you'll change your mind about living separately!  
No need to get married or have kids but I'm pretty sure there will be two seats at your small table permanently. 
 That's sent to all of us. Someday it happens. Just don't give up and think positive. 
And smile!  

I have. Once.  Didn't realize what I had at the time.

Young and dumb?  
There are loves out there for you yet!  

More like young and a controlling asshole. Which I guess files under "dumb" in a sense.

the way I look at it, then she wasn't the right one. you wouldn't have treated the right one like that, no matter your age. it was a learning experience. I had a 5 year relationship in my early 20's that you could say was borderline emotionally abusive (on both our parts), and yeah, when I think back, sure, I and she could have been nicer. But maybe that was something I needed to learn. To prepare me for my subsequent relationships and marriage. 

Your opinion is your own but I certainly don’t think that you can put any of the fault for any of a guy’s controlling behaviour on his female partner for “not being the right one”. Any abusive behaviour sits squarely on the person behaving that way. 
 

 Let me be crystal clear: I said or implied nowhere that it was her fault. It was still his. Same as it was mine when I was a dick to my ex. Same as how it was hers for being a twat to me. People, I think, just tend to work harder at relationships when they are "the one". (and no, I don't believe in "the one", I just used that terminology for ease of discussion-in my case my wife is "the one" but I'm sure in different cities or circumstances there are others "ones" out there as well). 

“....you wouldn’t have treated the right one like that” sure sounds like it’s her fault because she’s “not the right one”. 

I know that's not what Hugh meant by that comment.

any sensible person would. thank you. 

Mr. Sensible
Right on cue.

oh, gee, ya got me! 

Did you get my message Hugh?
I'm sorry.

HughFreakingDillon

RYME said:

HughFreakingDillon said:

RYME said:

HughFreakingDillon said:

HesCalledDyer said:

oftenreading said:

HughFreakingDillon said:

oftenreading said:

HughFreakingDillon said:

HesCalledDyer said:

rgambs said:

HesCalledDyer said:

kce8 said:

HesCalledDyer said:

tweedyfanjen said:

HesCalledDyer said:

Pretty sure at this point I’ll continue to live alone and I’ll die alone.

I'm 40, I’m not interested in women my age, and younger women (understandably) aren’t interested in men my age unless they have money, which I don’t.

Why you aren't you interested in women your age? You're very much limiting yourself with that. My brother who is going through a divorce right now is dating someone 10 years his junior. And he definitely doesn't have money. He's just a really nice guy.

I'm just attracted to younger women. They're livelier, like to live in the now, and do fun things on a whim like I do.  Where I live, women my age have been thrown to the pack too many times. 40 looks like 55.  Most of them have been married once or twice (I don't want to deal with redneck ex-husbands), have kids (I don't want kids, ever. Not mine, not someone else's), own or have owned houses (something else I never want to do), and/or they're just generally fucked up in the head from all the previous baggage.

On top of that, I just have unordinary ideas for how I want things to be in a relationship and I just don't think any woman, regardless of age, is going to go for it.  (Like living separately and possibly never getting married.)

 
That sounds like you never really fell in love before. I promise, when you have found the right girl you'll change your mind about living separately!  
No need to get married or have kids but I'm pretty sure there will be two seats at your small table permanently. 
 That's sent to all of us. Someday it happens. Just don't give up and think positive. 
And smile!  

I have. Once.  Didn't realize what I had at the time.

Young and dumb?  
There are loves out there for you yet!  

More like young and a controlling asshole. Which I guess files under "dumb" in a sense.

the way I look at it, then she wasn't the right one. you wouldn't have treated the right one like that, no matter your age. it was a learning experience. I had a 5 year relationship in my early 20's that you could say was borderline emotionally abusive (on both our parts), and yeah, when I think back, sure, I and she could have been nicer. But maybe that was something I needed to learn. To prepare me for my subsequent relationships and marriage. 

Your opinion is your own but I certainly don’t think that you can put any of the fault for any of a guy’s controlling behaviour on his female partner for “not being the right one”. Any abusive behaviour sits squarely on the person behaving that way. 
 

 Let me be crystal clear: I said or implied nowhere that it was her fault. It was still his. Same as it was mine when I was a dick to my ex. Same as how it was hers for being a twat to me. People, I think, just tend to work harder at relationships when they are "the one". (and no, I don't believe in "the one", I just used that terminology for ease of discussion-in my case my wife is "the one" but I'm sure in different cities or circumstances there are others "ones" out there as well). 

“....you wouldn’t have treated the right one like that” sure sounds like it’s her fault because she’s “not the right one”. 

I know that's not what Hugh meant by that comment.

any sensible person would. thank you. 

Mr. Sensible
Right on cue.

oh, gee, ya got me! 

Did you get my message Hugh?
I'm sorry.

yes, i did. no worries.