Being picked on at new job & struggling to fit in - fed up

Last-12-Exit

"Hippa laws prevent me from discussing medical issues on the job."

hedonist

Thirty Bills Unpaid said:

Nobody needs to explain their choices with justifications.

"Come on... have a coffee" should be met with "As I said before, no thanks. I don't want one. Feel free to have one yourself- it won't offend me."

A bunch of dorks.

The best advice given here was to be less hard on yourself OP:
You can spend your time alone redigesting past regrets ooooor...
You can come to terms and realize you're the only one one who can't forgive yourself.

Have a good day, man!

Looks like we have a few sages among us! Great advice and thoughts in this thread, and that up there is, I think, what it boils down to. Now, how to actually traverse that road to achieve it?

There's your journey right there.

It doesn't have to be a negative one, either.

(also - and I apologize if this is too personal - but if you're feeling this way with the meds you're currently taking, maybe they need to be adjusted/re-evaluated?)

Wishing you well from here, and do continue to release as you need to.

mca47

Tell them to fuck off.

But if you don't want to go that route, you don't have to give the exact reason, just say booze and caffeine interact with a medication you're on. That should end it right there.
You shouldn't let a bunch of idiot coworkers bring you down because they tease you over something so silly.
Do your job, do it well...go home.

DewieCox

Have you tried adjusting your dose? I've dealt with anxiety the last few years and it lead to some depression, and basically a lot of the same symptoms discussed in this thread. It took a few months to get just right, but it's really helped a lot.

I wouldn't let these schmucky co workers get to ya. Every time you let your anxiety get to you, it only exacerbates it.

ldent42

>Tell them to fuck off.

But if you don't want to go that route, you don't have to give the exact reason, just say booze and caffeine interact with a medication you're on. That should end it right there.
You shouldn't let a bunch of idiot coworkers bring you down because they tease you over something so silly.
Do your job, do it well...go home.

I support this statement.
Dish it right back out to them. They get on you about not liking coffee, inform them how nasty their breath is. They try to force you to drink, tell them maybe if they laid off the sauce they'd realize what a terrible life choice they've made. All jokes in good fun. It sounds they're a bunch of frat boy doushe types

mca47

I didn't drink most of my first year in college. I wasn't against it, I just had my reasons. I'd go to parties and people would be like "you don't drink?!?!" They made it seem like I had a pair of balls hanging from my forehead. Like, who the fuck cares? I never really let it bother me, but it was certainly annoying.
After freshman year, I drank the rest of college though. haha

Who Princess

Lots of good suggestions in this thread, so I'll just toss in a few thoughts. Alcohol makes me physically ill, and I'm not talking about from drinking to excess. A very small amount will trigger a migraine. It's some sort of allergy, I guess. So I just tell people no thanks, I don't drink. Occasionally they will want to know why but I've come to see that they're mostly concerned that I don't approve or I'm judging them. Once they realize that isn't the case, they seem to be OK about it. I sometimes turn it into a joke--"Hey, I'm always good if you need a designated driver."

OTOH, I love coffee. I'd probably just tell people that you don't care for it or it makes you too buzzed/nervous and keeps you awake. I don't think you need to let people know that it interferes with your medication. I'd probably keep medical information out of the discussion until you know them better.

And if the teasing seems harsh, let them know! They may not even realize it. I love to cut up with the people I work with and tend to forget that not everyone has my sense of humor. I remember at one job, I was teasing (mildly, I thought) a young woman I worked with. With tears in her eyes, she said, "What have I ever done to you that you talk to me this way!" She was very young, with not a lot of work experience, and also very insecure. I stopped joking with her after that.

SD48277

Many great suggestions here. Not much I can add, but I will encourage you to stick it out if only for the simple purpose of getting enough money so you can move out of your family's home. While it is very nice that you have given you a place to stay as you get back on your feet, the way your mother treats you is unacceptable. You've mentioned her abuse here and in other posts. No one deserves to be treated that way. Not from their family, not from their friends, not from their significant other, not from their co-workers, not from anyone. Please work on a plan to put her in your rearview mirror. I'm not saying your life will magically be better, but it has to be a heck of a lot better than dealing with that. My apologies if I have overstepped my bounds by saying this. I mean no disrespect. I just wish the best for you.

PJSiren

I know that sticking it out is what most are saying...and that is what I would also say and that it can be hard...I had to stick out a job I hated for a year while looking for other employment and trying to make a plan to get ym life together...but it paid the bills. Stand up for yourself...let them know the teasing is going too far if it is really bothering your and tell them that you don't drink for personal reasons and that's it, it's a conscious choice on your part to take better care of yourself by staying away from both caffeine and alcohol and that's all they need to know unless you feel the need to share more. I personally share my bipolar story with everyone, but I understand too, that that is not something everyone is comfortable with...

I wish you the best, and if you need someone to talk to, ever, feel free to PM me....like I said, BIPOLAR here, so in the same boat as you, and understand where you're coming from....

PureandEasy

Sounds like you need to give yourself a break and not take things too personally. No need to explain, just keep saying no thank you if offered something you don't want.

Then go and learn everything you can to succeed in the position. That will boost your self-image and give you confidence. Confidence and attitude are everything, present a positive attitude and keep moving forward.

mickeyrat

Thoughts_Arrive said:

jennycoyle said:

Thoughts_Arrive said:

Thank you for your reply :-)
Yeah they are very young minded, I don't find the things they talk about and laugh about amusing at all.
I sort of shot myself in the foot by saying I have coffee sometimes.
One of my colleagues was also questioning my marital status after I said I am single.
"Have you been married before? are you divorced?"
Everyone in my team is married and some have kids.
I feel so weird and ashamed.

Unusual for them all to be married! If they're guys then I suspect they're a tiny bit jealous of your freedom in being single Also people by nature want others to be like them so that they can easily understand and relate to them. You know that saying about how people fear what they don't understand, it's completely true. People want to mould you to be like them, both for their own comfort and also perhaps for yours. It's like how people who are nicely paired up in couples want you to be paired up too. It makes them happy and so they want the same for you so that you can have the same happiness. It's a very simplistic view, but is well-meant. Sometimes I think maybe the key to happiness is about changing our viewpoints on these things. I'm always guilty of seeing the negatives in everything and viewing everything with a negative slant. We can actually change our perspectives but it is a lot harder than you'd think. It's a little like rewiring your brain.

I did this online 'life skills' course run by a depression support group called Aware here in Ireland. I figured it'd be no harm to give it a go. Unfortunately I think I quickly forgot most of it but there were a lot of good ideas. It was cognitive behavioural thereapy, mostly about changing how you react to things and changing the thoughts that have been getting you down. So instead of instantly seeing the negative and assuming others motives and thoughts towards you are bad, you can change how you see things and see the positives.

I'll try give an example. Say when they're making fun of you. Instead of seeing it as them picking on you for being different, you could see it as them trying to include you in their gang because groups like that often spend most of their time making fun of each other. Similarly, they want you to have a drink with them because it's something they enjoy and they think you'll enjoy it too. So again, they want to include you and for you to have fun with them

It's hard to change how you think about things, I'm still trying and usually failing, but it is worth trying

Thank you for your advice and insight.
My brain is so wired wrong that it will take years of CBT. I have had CBT with my shrink, didn't do nothing. I just wish I could work on my own, hate dealing with this.
I guess the fact that I have been bullied my whole life, from school to previous workplaces and verbally abused by my mother didn't do me any good.

Wired "wrong"? Try starting with my brain is wired the way it is. No right no wrong just is.
Also earlier you said they joke and pick with everybody? How is it then you are singled out? Seems to me, as described they are in fact making the effort to include you.

Perception is key here.

Longueuil

Answer something that change the target of the question
Example :
- Do you want a coffee?
- No thank but a glass of water would be appreciated.
- Do you want a beer?
- What? You drink on the job again?

If they keep insisting, then lie. People will shut up with a nice dramatic lie.
- Why dont you drink?
- I nearly got my self kill in a car incident when I was 16 because I was drunk. That night I decide to never drink alcool again. (Bullshit but when say after they keep asking by looking them right in the eyes, they will shut up).

Also, all office have persons who like to talk about them or about anything. Spot those persons and ask them question and let them talk. They will love it then they will help you to intergrate the group.

Good Luck to you. It's never easy to be the new one.

whispering hands

PureandEasy said:

Sounds like you need to give yourself a break and not take things too personally. No need to explain, just keep saying no thank you if offered something you don't want.

Then go and learn everything you can to succeed in the position. That will boost your self-image and give you confidence. Confidence and attitude are everything, present a positive attitude and keep moving forward.

Best advice yet! When I finish this next study, I'll copy it for you, because we're studying how attuned people are still go the energies of those around us. ( totally bad ass as I get to work with some Anthropology students this Tme found, as well as some cool animals). Because really what we're hoping to prove is what Pure and Easy just stated, confidence and attitude are everything. Peoe read your body language first, you need never utter a word.

bluegrace

I don't think they mean anything by it, it's just a way to get to know you better. But of course it can get tiresome to always have that question about coffe, but don't let it get to you. Where I work I'm fairly new and they asked me too if I don't drink coffee, I do, but only at my desk in the morning, so many of them have never actually seen me drinking it. And I keep on telling over and over, in a polite way, that I only drink coffee once a day. Eventually I'm sure they will stop, and I don't mind, bc I won't let it bother me. There is another girl at work who doesn't drink alcohol and doesn't drink coffee, and they never ask her, bc they know already, she is not new like me. By the way, I never asked her about her habits, that's not the way I am with people, and she never did with me either.
But once again, I think it is a way to get to know a person, and to actually have something to talk about.

One more thing, at work we have a code of conduct that the personnel staff made everybody sign. Which means nobody can bully anybody, and if they do they will suffer the consequences. Perhaps you could bring it up with your boss, not including yourself at all, how you feel, just bring it up as a suggestion, that's all.

pickupyourwill

I hope things get better for you sweetie. Just take the punches and do the best job you can with this new job. Try to ignore the negative comments as best you can. Hopefully they will ease up over time. Hang in there. That situation sucks so bad but just be strong. As for the caffeine and alcohol--I'm not supposed to have any as well on my medications for bipolar and depression, but I occasionally do when getting together with family or friends--nothing overboard, just one or two. I do drink one cup of coffee about every morning. If you ever did have to have some drinks with these new people to help break the ice, I don't think they would have a horrible reaction to your medication. But don't give into their bullshit either. Good luck with everything.

Thoughts_Arrive

Thank you all for your kind words and advice.
Much appreciated.

Thoughts_Arrive

Still I get smart ass comments made about me.
During a lunchtime walk with 3 colleagues one colleague asked if I've ever had a girlfriend and how long ago, I lied and said 2 years ago and he was shocked.
Then he asked if I go to the prostitutes.
The topic of conversation then shifted about how smokers apparently are productive at work as they have smoke breaks often thus get away from their desks more than non smokers.
This colleague then said whilst the smokers go out for a smoke I should go to the toilet to masturbate and that I'd be good at that. He said it in a serious tone of voice.
I didn't know how to react but fake laughed and called him a smart ass.
I don't understand this guy in the office he is different to during lunch breaks and outside of the office.
I am new and don't know what to do, they all get along well, I am on probation and don't want to rock the ship.
Today has left me feeling down and ashamed of myself, I feel like I am seen as some weird freak.

jnimhaoileoin

Well he sounds like a complete tool.

How do the others react when he says things like that? If you're not comfortable saying anything to him or anyone else about it, then I'd suggest that you avoid him outside the work environment if this is when he's at his worst.

He sounds like he has the mental maturity of a 12-year-old so you certainly shouldn't let him make you feel bad. Nobody would ever say things like that to a girl so it's hard for me to advise you how to respond. As a girl I'd have told him to stop being so disgusting, but a guy maybe can't react that way without being accused of being prudish (or whatever the word is!)

MayDay10

You should have told him you already Jerk off at his desk when he is on smoke breaks

Thoughts_Arrive

jennycoyle said:

Well he sounds like a complete tool.

How do the others react when he says things like that? If you're not comfortable saying anything to him or anyone else about it, then I'd suggest that you avoid him outside the work environment if this is when he's at his worst.

He sounds like he has the mental maturity of a 12-year-old so you certainly shouldn't let him make you feel bad. Nobody would ever say things like that to a girl so it's hard for me to advise you how to respond. As a girl I'd have told him to stop being so disgusting, but a guy maybe can't react that way without being accused of being prudish (or whatever the word is!)

They haven't heard him say these things to me.
The other two colleagues were ahead of me and him when we were walking.