Thank you for your reply :-) Yeah they are very young minded, I don't find the things they talk about and laugh about amusing at all. I sort of shot myself in the foot by saying I have coffee sometimes. One of my colleagues was also questioning my marital status after I said I am single. "Have you been married before? are you divorced?" Everyone in my team is married and some have kids. I feel so weird and ashamed.
Unusual for them all to be married! If they're guys then I suspect they're a tiny bit jealous of your freedom in being single Also people by nature want others to be like them so that they can easily understand and relate to them. You know that saying about how people fear what they don't understand, it's completely true. People want to mould you to be like them, both for their own comfort and also perhaps for yours. It's like how people who are nicely paired up in couples want you to be paired up too. It makes them happy and so they want the same for you so that you can have the same happiness. It's a very simplistic view, but is well-meant. Sometimes I think maybe the key to happiness is about changing our viewpoints on these things. I'm always guilty of seeing the negatives in everything and viewing everything with a negative slant. We can actually change our perspectives but it is a lot harder than you'd think. It's a little like rewiring your brain.
I did this online 'life skills' course run by a depression support group called Aware here in Ireland. I figured it'd be no harm to give it a go. Unfortunately I think I quickly forgot most of it but there were a lot of good ideas. It was cognitive behavioural thereapy, mostly about changing how you react to things and changing the thoughts that have been getting you down. So instead of instantly seeing the negative and assuming others motives and thoughts towards you are bad, you can change how you see things and see the positives.
I'll try give an example. Say when they're making fun of you. Instead of seeing it as them picking on you for being different, you could see it as them trying to include you in their gang because groups like that often spend most of their time making fun of each other. Similarly, they want you to have a drink with them because it's something they enjoy and they think you'll enjoy it too. So again, they want to include you and for you to have fun with them
It's hard to change how you think about things, I'm still trying and usually failing, but it is worth trying
Thank you for your advice and insight. My brain is so wired wrong that it will take years of CBT. I have had CBT with my shrink, didn't do nothing. I just wish I could work on my own, hate dealing with this. I guess the fact that I have been bullied my whole life, from school to previous workplaces and verbally abused by my mother didn't do me any good.
Wired "wrong"? Try starting with my brain is wired the way it is. No right no wrong just is. Also earlier you said they joke and pick with everybody? How is it then you are singled out? Seems to me, as described they are in fact making the effort to include you.
Not today Sir, Probably not tomorrow.............................................. bayfront arena st. pete '94
you're finally here and I'm a mess................................................... nationwide arena columbus '10
memories like fingerprints are slowly raising.................................... first niagara center buffalo '13
another man ..... moved by sleight of hand...................................... joe louis arena detroit '14
Answer something that change the target of the question Example : - Do you want a coffee? - No thank but a glass of water would be appreciated. - Do you want a beer? - What? You drink on the job again?
If they keep insisting, then lie. People will shut up with a nice dramatic lie. - Why dont you drink? - I nearly got my self kill in a car incident when I was 16 because I was drunk. That night I decide to never drink alcool again. (Bullshit but when say after they keep asking by looking them right in the eyes, they will shut up).
Also, all office have persons who like to talk about them or about anything. Spot those persons and ask them question and let them talk. They will love it then they will help you to intergrate the group.
Good Luck to you. It's never easy to be the new one.
Sounds like you need to give yourself a break and not take things too personally. No need to explain, just keep saying no thank you if offered something you don't want.
Then go and learn everything you can to succeed in the position. That will boost your self-image and give you confidence. Confidence and attitude are everything, present a positive attitude and keep moving forward.
Best advice yet! When I finish this next study, I'll copy it for you, because we're studying how attuned people are still go the energies of those around us. ( totally bad ass as I get to work with some Anthropology students this Tme found, as well as some cool animals). Because really what we're hoping to prove is what Pure and Easy just stated, confidence and attitude are everything. Peoe read your body language first, you need never utter a word.
I don't think they mean anything by it, it's just a way to get to know you better. But of course it can get tiresome to always have that question about coffe, but don't let it get to you. Where I work I'm fairly new and they asked me too if I don't drink coffee, I do, but only at my desk in the morning, so many of them have never actually seen me drinking it. And I keep on telling over and over, in a polite way, that I only drink coffee once a day. Eventually I'm sure they will stop, and I don't mind, bc I won't let it bother me. There is another girl at work who doesn't drink alcohol and doesn't drink coffee, and they never ask her, bc they know already, she is not new like me. By the way, I never asked her about her habits, that's not the way I am with people, and she never did with me either. But once again, I think it is a way to get to know a person, and to actually have something to talk about.
One more thing, at work we have a code of conduct that the personnel staff made everybody sign. Which means nobody can bully anybody, and if they do they will suffer the consequences. Perhaps you could bring it up with your boss, not including yourself at all, how you feel, just bring it up as a suggestion, that's all.
Post edited by bluegrace on
Kool Kat Club 1992, Moderna museet 1992, Globen 2012, Friends arena 2014
I hope things get better for you sweetie. Just take the punches and do the best job you can with this new job. Try to ignore the negative comments as best you can. Hopefully they will ease up over time. Hang in there. That situation sucks so bad but just be strong. As for the caffeine and alcohol--I'm not supposed to have any as well on my medications for bipolar and depression, but I occasionally do when getting together with family or friends--nothing overboard, just one or two. I do drink one cup of coffee about every morning. If you ever did have to have some drinks with these new people to help break the ice, I don't think they would have a horrible reaction to your medication. But don't give into their bullshit either. Good luck with everything.
Still I get smart ass comments made about me. During a lunchtime walk with 3 colleagues one colleague asked if I've ever had a girlfriend and how long ago, I lied and said 2 years ago and he was shocked. Then he asked if I go to the prostitutes. The topic of conversation then shifted about how smokers apparently are productive at work as they have smoke breaks often thus get away from their desks more than non smokers. This colleague then said whilst the smokers go out for a smoke I should go to the toilet to masturbate and that I'd be good at that. He said it in a serious tone of voice. I didn't know how to react but fake laughed and called him a smart ass. I don't understand this guy in the office he is different to during lunch breaks and outside of the office. I am new and don't know what to do, they all get along well, I am on probation and don't want to rock the ship. Today has left me feeling down and ashamed of myself, I feel like I am seen as some weird freak.
Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/2014
How do the others react when he says things like that? If you're not comfortable saying anything to him or anyone else about it, then I'd suggest that you avoid him outside the work environment if this is when he's at his worst.
He sounds like he has the mental maturity of a 12-year-old so you certainly shouldn't let him make you feel bad. Nobody would ever say things like that to a girl so it's hard for me to advise you how to respond. As a girl I'd have told him to stop being so disgusting, but a guy maybe can't react that way without being accused of being prudish (or whatever the word is!)
How do the others react when he says things like that? If you're not comfortable saying anything to him or anyone else about it, then I'd suggest that you avoid him outside the work environment if this is when he's at his worst.
He sounds like he has the mental maturity of a 12-year-old so you certainly shouldn't let him make you feel bad. Nobody would ever say things like that to a girl so it's hard for me to advise you how to respond. As a girl I'd have told him to stop being so disgusting, but a guy maybe can't react that way without being accused of being prudish (or whatever the word is!)
They haven't heard him say these things to me. The other two colleagues were ahead of me and him when we were walking.
Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/2014
Do you think you'd be able to mention it to one of the others? You could just kind of say it in passing, ask them if they think he has a bit of a filthy sense of humour or something...
Still I get smart ass comments made about me. During a lunchtime walk with 3 colleagues one colleague asked if I've ever had a girlfriend and how long ago, I lied and said 2 years ago and he was shocked. Then he asked if I go to the prostitutes. The topic of conversation then shifted about how smokers apparently are productive at work as they have smoke breaks often thus get away from their desks more than non smokers. This colleague then said whilst the smokers go out for a smoke I should go to the toilet to masturbate and that I'd be good at that. He said it in a serious tone of voice. I didn't know how to react but fake laughed and called him a smart ass. I don't understand this guy in the office he is different to during lunch breaks and outside of the office. I am new and don't know what to do, they all get along well, I am on probation and don't want to rock the ship. Today has left me feeling down and ashamed of myself, I feel like I am seen as some weird freak.
Dude, I wish I worked at your office. I'd have a field day with these schmucks. Nothing better then ripping right back at a bunch of assholes. Very therapeutical for the mind. Hang in there man.
Still I get smart ass comments made about me. During a lunchtime walk with 3 colleagues one colleague asked if I've ever had a girlfriend and how long ago, I lied and said 2 years ago and he was shocked. Then he asked if I go to the prostitutes. The topic of conversation then shifted about how smokers apparently are productive at work as they have smoke breaks often thus get away from their desks more than non smokers. This colleague then said whilst the smokers go out for a smoke I should go to the toilet to masturbate and that I'd be good at that. He said it in a serious tone of voice. I didn't know how to react but fake laughed and called him a smart ass. I don't understand this guy in the office he is different to during lunch breaks and outside of the office. I am new and don't know what to do, they all get along well, I am on probation and don't want to rock the ship. Today has left me feeling down and ashamed of myself, I feel like I am seen as some weird freak.
This makes me incredibly sad for you. I have no idea why people need to be so horrible to other people. Can you skip the lunchtime walk? Just know that everyone out there isn't like this/these guy/s. I'm sorry.
Not today Sir, Probably not tomorrow.............................................. bayfront arena st. pete '94
you're finally here and I'm a mess................................................... nationwide arena columbus '10
memories like fingerprints are slowly raising.................................... first niagara center buffalo '13
another man ..... moved by sleight of hand...................................... joe louis arena detroit '14
I think it's always harder when you are new at a working place. It becomes easier once you get to know people and their personalities. (At my work we have lots of personalities.) Try to be forgiving when someone says stupid things, just try to smile at them. They want you to like them but they don't know how to behave so you do. I hope things will work out nicely.
Your coworkers sound like idiots, but hey, that happens. I would think that most people would respectfully shut the fuck up when someone says they don't drink, since the most obvious assumption would be that you're a recovering alcoholic or maybe your religion or philosophy forbids it. These people have no tact. But anyway, if it were really bugging me and they won't stop, I would just tell them that you can't drink due to a medical condition of some sort. Maybe just lie and tell them that you have some kind of liver, pancreatic, or kidney condition (pick one that isn't a result of any behaviour on your part, and one that isn't going to kill you or impair your ability to work as long as you don't aggravate it by drinking... surely there are medical conditions like that). I know your medical issues aren't their business at all, but hey, if it's fake medical condition just to shut them up, what's the diff? ... Unless you think these people are so awful that they would give you a hard time about a medical condition.... surely not....
Post edited by PJ_Soul on
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy. ~ Desiderata
Still I get smart ass comments made about me. During a lunchtime walk with 3 colleagues one colleague asked if I've ever had a girlfriend and how long ago, I lied and said 2 years ago and he was shocked. Then he asked if I go to the prostitutes. The topic of conversation then shifted about how smokers apparently are productive at work as they have smoke breaks often thus get away from their desks more than non smokers. This colleague then said whilst the smokers go out for a smoke I should go to the toilet to masturbate and that I'd be good at that. He said it in a serious tone of voice. I didn't know how to react but fake laughed and called him a smart ass. I don't understand this guy in the office he is different to during lunch breaks and outside of the office. I am new and don't know what to do, they all get along well, I am on probation and don't want to rock the ship. Today has left me feeling down and ashamed of myself, I feel like I am seen as some weird freak.
Dude, I wish I worked at your office. I'd have a field day with these schmucks. Nothing better then ripping right back at a bunch of assholes. Very therapeutical for the mind. Hang in there man.
I agree with this comment, it's worth losing your job over your rights and dignity, You can always say to him does this make your dick feel any bigger or your head now that you have tried to belittle me!!!!
Your best bet/what you should do is not allow it to bother you. If it does, don't let on to them, but advise an HR Manager.
Something about you seems to invite these kinds of people. Probably a lack of confidence. You need to fix that internally. Also, you cant give a fuck what people say or think.
Your best bet/what you should do is not allow it to bother you. If it does, don't let on to them, but advise an HR Manager.
Something about you seems to invite these kinds of people. Probably a lack of confidence. You need to fix that internally. Also, you cant give a fuck what people say or think.
I do agree. Really, people razzing you about not drinking coffee or booze shouldn't bug you so much. Just say "haha, screw you, ya bunch of hyped up drunks!" and laugh it off. But if you're not able to do that, then there are other ways to deal with it.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy. ~ Desiderata
I doubt he will lose his job with a comment like mine, and mayday a stranger who barely knows you telling you that you would be good in the toilet masturbating is deliberately trying to intimidate him, my comment would sure make him bite back again and stating the facts I've just said in this comment with reasoning would shut him up bc they are facts
I doubt he will lose his job with a comment like mine, and mayday a stranger who barely knows you telling you that you would be good in the toilet masturbating is deliberately trying to intimidate him, my comment would sure make him bite back again and stating the facts I've just said in this comment with reasoning would shut him up bc they are facts
No, he wouldn't be fired. But you can't say shit like that to all your coworkers and stay in the job if you want to have any kind of good working relationship with them going forward. If I was going to say something like that to my coworkers, I'd also be preparing to quit.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy. ~ Desiderata
^true but he started it first and saying nothing will make him feel even worse and if he holds a grudge with him for being honest and reasoning with him than he is a dick head and is it worth spending most your life working with dick heads who make your life hard and don't reason?
Still I get smart ass comments made about me. During a lunchtime walk with 3 colleagues one colleague asked if I've ever had a girlfriend and how long ago, I lied and said 2 years ago and he was shocked. Then he asked if I go to the prostitutes. The topic of conversation then shifted about how smokers apparently are productive at work as they have smoke breaks often thus get away from their desks more than non smokers. This colleague then said whilst the smokers go out for a smoke I should go to the toilet to masturbate and that I'd be good at that. He said it in a serious tone of voice. I didn't know how to react but fake laughed and called him a smart ass. I don't understand this guy in the office he is different to during lunch breaks and outside of the office. I am new and don't know what to do, they all get along well, I am on probation and don't want to rock the ship. Today has left me feeling down and ashamed of myself, I feel like I am seen as some weird freak.
I agree with Jenny--this guy sounds like a tool. And as Hedonist suggested, keep an account of when and where these occurrences take place. I'm sorry you are made to feel like a weird freak. My guess is that you are an unknown factor to this guy, and he is being a jackhole to see what kind of person you are and to be nosy. The next time he brings up your sex life, just say, "You know, you seem particularly fascinated with my sex life. What's up with that?" If he gets defensive or says something smart ass, tell him you were just making an observation. And then walk away from him. Unless you have to report to this guy or work with him on a project or rely on him for information, try to avoid him. At least until you get comfortable in your job. In the big spectrum of life, this guy is just a speck.
Am I crazy or does it sound like he's being bullied? Fixing one's confidence is not a simple matter and it can't be done overnight - It'll be extra difficult to do while these toolbags are bringing him down. I'd take a day off and get in to the job centre or unemployment office (I'm not sure what it's called in Australia) and explain the situation to someone there, see if they are able to assist you in finding a new job asap.
And Thoughts_Arrive for what it's worth I know how mentally and emotionally exhausting being in a suffocating work environment can be. I was stuck in the job from hell for about 6 months or so where the boss was a complete misogynist racist bastard and had the entire place run on a culture of fear. Fortunately I was not in a vulnerable point in my life or else I might have had a very hard time breaking free from that place. That's why I'm suggesting you focus your efforts on getting the f out of there ASAP.
Am I crazy or does it sound like he's being bullied? Fixing one's confidence is not a simple matter and it can't be done overnight - It'll be extra difficult to do while these toolbags are bringing him down.
not crazy. It seems like that is absolutely what is happening. Maybe just good natured ribbing/feeling out at first, but the vibes/reaction seems to make these people (who are compensating for their own issues) to kind of gang up. Fuck em.
And yes, confidence is very tough to gain. It took me a long time and a lot of channeling energy and thoughts the correct ways. But it can be done with the right mind set, one day at a time.
^true but he started it first and saying nothing will make him feel even worse and if he holds a grudge with him for being honest and reasoning with him than he is a dick head and is it worth spending most your life working with dick heads who make your life hard and don't reason?
No, that's why I suggested lying to them instead.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy. ~ Desiderata
Still I get smart ass comments made about me. During a lunchtime walk with 3 colleagues one colleague asked if I've ever had a girlfriend and how long ago, I lied and said 2 years ago and he was shocked. Then he asked if I go to the prostitutes. The topic of conversation then shifted about how smokers apparently are productive at work as they have smoke breaks often thus get away from their desks more than non smokers. This colleague then said whilst the smokers go out for a smoke I should go to the toilet to masturbate and that I'd be good at that. He said it in a serious tone of voice. I didn't know how to react but fake laughed and called him a smart ass. I don't understand this guy in the office he is different to during lunch breaks and outside of the office. I am new and don't know what to do, they all get along well, I am on probation and don't want to rock the ship. Today has left me feeling down and ashamed of myself, I feel like I am seen as some weird freak.
I agree with Jenny--this guy sounds like a tool. And as Hedonist suggested, keep an account of when and where these occurrences take place. I'm sorry you are made to feel like a weird freak. My guess is that you are an unknown factor to this guy, and he is being a jackhole to see what kind of person you are and to be nosy. The next time he brings up your sex life, just say, "You know, you seem particularly fascinated with my sex life. What's up with that?" If he gets defensive or says something smart ass, tell him you were just making an observation. And then walk away from him. Unless you have to report to this guy or work with him on a project or rely on him for information, try to avoid him. At least until you get comfortable in your job. In the big spectrum of life, this guy is just a speck.
Comments
Also earlier you said they joke and pick with everybody? How is it then you are singled out? Seems to me, as described they are in fact making the effort to include you.
Perception is key here.
Not today Sir, Probably not tomorrow.............................................. bayfront arena st. pete '94
you're finally here and I'm a mess................................................... nationwide arena columbus '10
memories like fingerprints are slowly raising.................................... first niagara center buffalo '13
another man ..... moved by sleight of hand...................................... joe louis arena detroit '14
Example :
- Do you want a coffee?
- No thank but a glass of water would be appreciated.
- Do you want a beer?
- What? You drink on the job again?
If they keep insisting, then lie. People will shut up with a nice dramatic lie.
- Why dont you drink?
- I nearly got my self kill in a car incident when I was 16 because I was drunk. That night I decide to never drink alcool again. (Bullshit but when say after they keep asking by looking them right in the eyes, they will shut up).
Also, all office have persons who like to talk about them or about anything. Spot those persons and ask them question and let them talk. They will love it then they will help you to intergrate the group.
Good Luck to you. It's never easy to be the new one.
But once again, I think it is a way to get to know a person, and to actually have something to talk about.
One more thing, at work we have a code of conduct that the personnel staff made everybody sign. Which means nobody can bully anybody, and if they do they will suffer the consequences. Perhaps you could bring it up with your boss, not including yourself at all, how you feel, just bring it up as a suggestion, that's all.
Much appreciated.
During a lunchtime walk with 3 colleagues one colleague asked if I've ever had a girlfriend and how long ago, I lied and said 2 years ago and he was shocked.
Then he asked if I go to the prostitutes.
The topic of conversation then shifted about how smokers apparently are productive at work as they have smoke breaks often thus get away from their desks more than non smokers.
This colleague then said whilst the smokers go out for a smoke I should go to the toilet to masturbate and that I'd be good at that. He said it in a serious tone of voice.
I didn't know how to react but fake laughed and called him a smart ass.
I don't understand this guy in the office he is different to during lunch breaks and outside of the office.
I am new and don't know what to do, they all get along well, I am on probation and don't want to rock the ship.
Today has left me feeling down and ashamed of myself, I feel like I am seen as some weird freak.
How do the others react when he says things like that? If you're not comfortable saying anything to him or anyone else about it, then I'd suggest that you avoid him outside the work environment if this is when he's at his worst.
He sounds like he has the mental maturity of a 12-year-old so you certainly shouldn't let him make you feel bad. Nobody would ever say things like that to a girl so it's hard for me to advise you how to respond. As a girl I'd have told him to stop being so disgusting, but a guy maybe can't react that way without being accused of being prudish (or whatever the word is!)
The other two colleagues were ahead of me and him when we were walking.
2016: Lexington and Wrigley 1
If so, then what others think isnt important.
Imo to accept is to acknowledge xy or z as true without judgment. It just is.
Not today Sir, Probably not tomorrow.............................................. bayfront arena st. pete '94
you're finally here and I'm a mess................................................... nationwide arena columbus '10
memories like fingerprints are slowly raising.................................... first niagara center buffalo '13
another man ..... moved by sleight of hand...................................... joe louis arena detroit '14
Also, were I in your shoes, I'd be documenting everything. I get the buddy mindset at work, but this is beyond unprofessional.
Try to be forgiving when someone says stupid things, just try to smile at them.
They want you to like them but they don't know how to behave so you do. I hope things will work out nicely.
You can always say to him does this make your dick feel any bigger or your head now that you have tried to belittle me!!!!
Your best bet/what you should do is not allow it to bother you. If it does, don't let on to them, but advise an HR Manager.
Something about you seems to invite these kinds of people. Probably a lack of confidence. You need to fix that internally. Also, you cant give a fuck what people say or think.
Fixing one's confidence is not a simple matter and it can't be done overnight - It'll be extra difficult to do while these toolbags are bringing him down. I'd take a day off and get in to the job centre or unemployment office (I'm not sure what it's called in Australia) and explain the situation to someone there, see if they are able to assist you in finding a new job asap.
And Thoughts_Arrive for what it's worth I know how mentally and emotionally exhausting being in a suffocating work environment can be. I was stuck in the job from hell for about 6 months or so where the boss was a complete misogynist racist bastard and had the entire place run on a culture of fear. Fortunately I was not in a vulnerable point in my life or else I might have had a very hard time breaking free from that place. That's why I'm suggesting you focus your efforts on getting the f out of there ASAP.
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And yes, confidence is very tough to gain. It took me a long time and a lot of channeling energy and thoughts the correct ways. But it can be done with the right mind set, one day at a time.