Being picked on at new job & struggling to fit in - fed up

Amongst the Ani

The guy while a tool is most likely testing to see what reaction would be raised. Next time he says it say you don't need a prostitute as you are too busy banging his girl. Dipshits like this need to know they can't get your goat. Otherwise it will continue happening.

Thirty Bills Unpaid

Here are some questions to take the unwanted attention from yourself and maybe get to the bottom of things:

1. Hey... I can't tell if you're kidding around or if you're not. When you are busting my balls... is this in good spirit or not? Do you have a problem with me?
2. Can you please tell me exactly what I have done to have you talk the way you do to me?
3. Look... if I'm doing something here that is pissing you off, can you tell me what it is? It seems as if you've taken a bit of an issue with me and if I've done something wrong... let me know so I can make it better.

Anticipate the responses- both good and bad- and be prepared to further the dialogue once it has started. For example, if the doosh says, "It just pisses me off when you give me that look whenever we talk about drinking"... have your response roughly formulated in your mind so you're not standing there stammering. Say something like, " Wow. I never even realized I was doing that. I can understand how this perception might have developed since I don't drink, but trust me... I have no issues with people and their choices if those choices aren't affecting others".

I'm not kidding when I say mentally rehearse the discussion you are preparing for. You'll catch the doosh(es) off guard and they'll have respect for you for not only standing up for yourself, but doing so in a manner that might demonstrate confidence (even though it seems as if you're lacking a bit).

Stand up for yourself, man. I know its hard, but you'll be doing cartwheels confronting these pricks.

Once you've done so... you'll always have the discussion to refer to: "Hey man... we've been through this already. You told me blah blah blah, but here you are saying blah, blah, blah. Fuck off, man. Seriously."

badbrains

JWPearl said:

badbrains said:

Thoughts_Arrive said:

Still I get smart ass comments made about me.
During a lunchtime walk with 3 colleagues one colleague asked if I've ever had a girlfriend and how long ago, I lied and said 2 years ago and he was shocked.
Then he asked if I go to the prostitutes.
The topic of conversation then shifted about how smokers apparently are productive at work as they have smoke breaks often thus get away from their desks more than non smokers.
This colleague then said whilst the smokers go out for a smoke I should go to the toilet to masturbate and that I'd be good at that. He said it in a serious tone of voice.
I didn't know how to react but fake laughed and called him a smart ass.
I don't understand this guy in the office he is different to during lunch breaks and outside of the office.
I am new and don't know what to do, they all get along well, I am on probation and don't want to rock the ship.
Today has left me feeling down and ashamed of myself, I feel like I am seen as some weird freak.

Dude, I wish I worked at your office. I'd have a field day with these schmucks. Nothing better then ripping right back at a bunch of assholes. Very therapeutical for the mind. Hang in there man.

I agree with this comment, it's worth losing your job over your rights and dignity,
You can always say to him does this make your dick feel any bigger or your head now that you have tried to belittle me!!!!

Hahahaha, I like that line.

RKCNDY

I honestly would have told the guy, "no, I don't go to prostitutes, your mom gives it away for free"

badbrains

I think you should ask them who's the one that fucks the other between the two of them.

Thoughts_Arrive

MayDay10 said:

tbh It sounds like they are messing with you.

Your best bet/what you should do is not allow it to bother you. If it does, don't let on to them, but advise an HR Manager.

Something about you seems to invite these kinds of people. Probably a lack of confidence. You need to fix that internally. Also, you cant give a fuck what people say or think.

There is no HR manager.
I always get picked on at work, every job I've had.
Fuck life.

Thoughts_Arrive

Thank you all for your advice.
The office is full of homophobia too which irks me.
I don't know what to do if I resign, been out of work for almost a year, the big gap and then short tenure won't look good for future job applications.
And the guy teasing me always makes fun of what I bring for lunch.
I will avoid him as much as possible during lunch in future, inside the office I sit near him.
I am actually liking the tasks I do but not the behaviour of some.

Thoughts_Arrive

Regarding mention of building up self confidence, kind of hard when you have been verbally abused and put down by your mother since childhood and bullied throughout childhood.

mickeyrat

Thoughts_Arrive said:

Regarding mention of building up self confidence, kind of hard when you have been verbally abused and put down by your mother since childhood and bullied throughout childhood.

True , it IS hard. But at a certain point , a person has to say enough is enough. I found this stuff to be about choice in my reaction or response after accepting who, how and what I am. Teasing still stings and I get red faced. And I'm 47 yrs old next month!!!! But fuck you if I dont have value and am just as necessary as anyone else. No better , no less but an important part of the greater whole.


And so are you.

Thoughts_Arrive

I don't know how to stand up for myself.
I just let people keep shitting on me and I am too timid and nervous around others.
I wish I could make it stop.
The anti-depressants I take have not fixed this issue with me.

mickeyrat

Setting your boundries is how its done. Unacceptable behavour gets called out.

I think what really stops you is fear. Lifa as it is now is known , but what about after? The great unknown.try it. Its an adventure!!!!

pjhawks

Thoughts_Arrive said:

I don't know how to stand up for myself.
I just let people keep shitting on me and I am too timid and nervous around others.
I wish I could make it stop.
The anti-depressants I take have not fixed this issue with me.

Bullies tend to pick up on who is timid and nervous and that's what at least that one guy seems to be. Easier said than done but realize their opinions don't really matter. Bullies get off on making a person feel uncomfortable. try to not let it bother you or at least try not to let it show it bothers you. Also don't try to force yourself to 'fit in'. don't go on walks at lunch because that is what others do if you are not into it. just focus on your wok minute-by-minute. stay at your desk more. no reason to share personal stuff with people you just met. let them learn about you over a longer period of time. prove yourself as a worker before worrying about fitting in.

MayDay10

It is so much easier just to say "get confidence" than actually gaining it... especially when it seems ingrained for a long time.

I don't know what treatment you have sought out for it, but if you haven't done so, you should see a shrink... if you have been seeing one and feel that the medication is still your best bet, I would go find another one.

It is very tough to get confidence. I lacked it throughout a decent portion of my teens and 20s. For me, it was all about individualizing myself and learning that the locus of control was internal. I control the things that happen with me. Self-value, all that. Outward appearance too. Start eating well and exercising each and every day. It sounds hokey, but exercise itself stimulates your brain and nervous system to feel good and comfortable. Other hobbies too that may interest you. Start hiking or camping or something. That is some great time with your thoughts.

g under p

Thoughts_Arrive said:

Regarding mention of building up self confidence, kind of hard when you have been verbally abused and put down by your mother since childhood and bullied throughout childhood.

Wow, not too often I read through an entire thread but this is one that's worth it. Where do I start.....well many have given great suggestions, I'll try and give my take. It's quite easy for many to give all sorts of suggestions when they are not in your shoes at that quite unusual office.

I would start with YOU. You are the that's important here, I've been picked on as a youth, bullied and ostracized from my schoolmates for my looks, dress wear and intelligence. This went on for over a year and the way I got out the mess was FINALLY standing up for myself with my own self confidence. This was done not through someone else's urging but the time came where I said enough was enough. I on my own figured out what to do to make these kids stop and it appears T_A you have some kiddish behavior in your office. I picked out the weakest one of the bullying group and I beat the living day lights out of him. They never bothered me again after that and some in later years became my friends including the one I beat up.

Now im not suggesting you beat up a co worker or any of that kind of act but at some point one must stand up for oneself even if it's to see what kind of reaction one will get. If not this kiddish behavior will continue. You can do this in the ways others have suggested in confronting your coworkers or by looking inward unto yourself. Done so by finding something, anything that makes YOU feel good about yourself, makes you feel gay (happy that is), or the thing that puts you on top of the world from DOWN UNDER. Today for me it is cycling, for you it could anything from let's say holding a plank position, making eye contact intensely. Studying your job away from work to the point of knowing forwards and backwards. They should appriciate you getting to know the little things about your job.

These small things and others can or should lead to bettering your confidence to down the road deal with those who you work with. Hang in there, NEVER quit this job they're others in FAR worse situations and conditions.....getting through this will give you a much needed boast in job experience as you move forward in this life.

Peace

oftenreading

Thoughts_Arrive said:

I don't know how to stand up for myself.
I just let people keep shitting on me and I am too timid and nervous around others.
I wish I could make it stop.
The anti-depressants I take have not fixed this issue with me.

Anti-depressants on their own will not change your personality or the way your automatically react to situations. What they can do is help with some of the more biologically-based symptoms - they can help raise someone's mood, help with sleep, reduce physical symptoms of anxiety like racing heart and trembling hands, and reduce intrusive thought, to name a few. These improvements alone can make it easier to do the hard work that is required to change your self-talk and behaviour, but it is still a lot of work to alter the patterns of a lifetime.

It's obviously easy for us, across the world and behind our keyboards, to tell you what you should and shouldn't do, and I do apologize if what I say comes across as critical as it's not meant to. Just be really cautious when you start hearing yourself tell yourself what you can or can't do. These changes are possible, albeit difficult.

badbrains

I think it's like that school bully who's always demanding your lunch money. All is gravy for him until that one day you say "fuck you" and stand up for yourself. He'll leave you alone. God damn I'm so tempted to fly to your work and smash these guys in the face for you. They sound like complete dueshebags that need a good ass whipping.

stuckinline

Kinda like this?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V9AbeALNVkk

hedonist

I was thinking of My Bodyguard.

Some really insightful comments about self - how viewed, changed, seen.

Thirty Bills Unpaid

badbrains said:

I think it's like that school bully who's always demanding your lunch money. All is gravy for him until that one day you say "fuck you" and stand up for yourself. He'll leave you alone. God damn I'm so tempted to fly to your work and smash these guys in the face for you. They sound like complete dueshebags that need a good ass whipping.

Sometimes an allies are needed. I'm surprised nobody from there hasn't observed what has been going and decided they've seen enough.

It makes me think that perhaps some of the teasing is simple 'guy humour' that is taken too seriously (I could be wrong).

You need to take control of the situation my friend: confront in as least confrontational manner as possible (I gave you some suggestions on how to do so in the form of initiating dialogue with some questioning strategies). Further, for the long term, help yourself be more confident: I agree with May's suggestion to develop yourself physically with exercise. Don't delay doing this either: with a solid workout regime... I guarantee you won't be saying, "Fuk. What a waste of time that was " one year from now. The benefits of exercise are too numerous to list here, but needed by you.

SD48277

badbrains said:

I think it's like that school bully who's always demanding your lunch money. All is gravy for him until that one day you say "fuck you" and stand up for yourself. He'll leave you alone. God damn I'm so tempted to fly to your work and smash these guys in the face for you. They sound like complete dueshebags that need a good ass whipping.

I'd kick in some $$ for that plane ticket.