Teenagers...?

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  • rr165892
    rr165892 Posts: 5,697
    If the above don't work you could always take this angle.lol
    https://youtube.com/watch?v=x4pIJtt48g4
  • PJSiren
    PJSiren Salem, OR Posts: 5,863
    rr165892 said:

    I'm biased.I was way more protective of my girls then my son.I would back burner the boy/age thing as secondary to the real issue that is trust.
    She wants to be treated like an adult so in doing so she must resciprocate the same.I think that should be your focus.Truth and honesty.
    Trust me it won't be the last boy age thing you deal with but if she is honest and open with you at least you will know,be on same page and not need to worry as much.

    That's the problem is we can't trust her because she lies to us....she's an out right liar...she learned it in her formative years from her biological mother....lying and manipulating....

    I can't watch your video at work, my computer hates to play videos so I'll have to watch that later from my kindle....
    Music is my Religion and Pearl Jam, my Savior!
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  • PJSiren
    PJSiren Salem, OR Posts: 5,863
    ldent42 said:

    Statistically I think there is data supporting your theory that girls are more likely to be attacked by older males. But I'd caution you in the language you use with her. Remember you're not angrily punishing her for "putting herself in a position with an older boy who tried to force himself on her" you're trying to protect her from predatory charismatic dudes.

    I'm not a parent so my word means nothing. I'd suggest you educate her with real world examples of some of the horrors teenage boys have been convicted of. Or at least make her watch a bunch of SVU episodes.

    We do try to make her see that it's for her protection, we tell her that....especially after what happened with the other boy....now we're like HYPER PROTECTIVE...but she has it in her head that any attention from boys is good attention....and not all of it is....the SVU thing might not be a bad idea...
    Music is my Religion and Pearl Jam, my Savior!
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  • Last-12-Exit
    Last-12-Exit Charleston, SC Posts: 8,661
    My sister is 4 years older than me. When she asked my dad why I didn't have a curfew when I was a teenager and she did, his response was simply "he's a boy."
  • Amongst the Ani
    Amongst the Ani @Wobbie Posts: 7,790
    Good luck with this. I would like to think I will be equipped when this happens but I know my response will be wrong. So far so good with my 15 year old daughter but I know this is coming soon. My response probably would have been to beat the tar out of the older boy once I found out the age.
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  • PJ_Soul
    PJ_Soul Vancouver, BC Posts: 50,766
    edited June 2015
    I had plenty of 16 year old male friends when I was 13. 16 year old boys and 13 year old girls are pretty much on the same level maturity wise.
    With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy. ~ Desiderata
  • ldent42
    ldent42 NYC Posts: 7,859
    PJ_Soul said:

    I had plenty of 16 year old male friends when I was 13. 16 year old boys and 13 year old girls are pretty much on the same level maturity wise.

    Did you lie to your parents to go out with them alone?
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  • PJ_Soul
    PJ_Soul Vancouver, BC Posts: 50,766
    edited June 2015
    ldent42 said:

    PJ_Soul said:

    I had plenty of 16 year old male friends when I was 13. 16 year old boys and 13 year old girls are pretty much on the same level maturity wise.

    Did you lie to your parents to go out with them alone?
    Well, I lied to my parents about where I was going constantly, whether I was with older boys or not, lol. But I didn't hide these people from my parents. They would come and hang out at my house if the urge stuck us. And my parents weren't particularly lenient. These were just normal teenaged boys, so why would my parents mind? They trusted me not to just randomly fuck them I guess? And I didn't. Though I did of course have some boyfriends who were older than me all through high school (my most serious BF when I was in high school was 19 when I was 15. He was super nice, lived up the street - my parents liked him, and we got a long great, had friends in common... it was just normal (and no, I didn't have sex with him; he was respectful of my age), and that was okay too. They were perfectly nice boys. What's your concern with your daughter? That she will have sex with them? That's my assumption, since I don't know why else you would mind. Maybe your daughter wouldn't lie about where she was going if you didn't have such a problem with her hanging out with a boy who is only 3 years older than her?
    Post edited by PJ_Soul on
    With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy. ~ Desiderata
  • shetellsherself
    shetellsherself New Jersey Posts: 8,835
    edited June 2015
    I agree that this is more a problem of mutual trust. She knows you don't trust her so she has to sneak around. She knows you expect the worst from her so why should she deliver anything different? That might sound harsh and I apologize if so. I feel strongly that by this age the proper morals and standards, self respect and self honoring should be instilled so the parents can let go a little. It's best when the parents can say to the kid.....I trust that you can make the smart decisions for your self bc of the values that you have learned to this point. You are smart and I know that you know what to do. Then take a deep breath and pray if that helps. Of course, you are still there to lead by example and to mop up the mess when mistakes are made bc mistakes will be made. That's where learning happens. Of course I'm not talking about mistakes in the sense of harm coming to the child. That requires more direct intervention. It's when the child hasn't developed a strong sense of self respect and believes that no one around them believes in them either that big issues can develop through the teen years. The job of the teenager is to pull away and find them selves. They either do it in a healthy, positive and supported manner or they do it in a rebellious, possibly self destructive manner. Trust is key on both sides.
    Post edited by shetellsherself on
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  • PJSiren
    PJSiren Salem, OR Posts: 5,863
    It's not about trusting HER....it's about trusting the older boys....a 17 year old boy she was hanging out with already tried to forse himself on her....why should we trust that this boy would be any different especially when HE is sneaking around behind our back and not coming to us and introducing himself to us and saying hey I like hanging out with your daughter can we be friends? A stand up guy in our opinion would be like that.....
    Music is my Religion and Pearl Jam, my Savior!
    Tattooed Dissident!
  • dankind
    dankind Posts: 20,841
    The scariest thing is that other than the teenage promiscuity and creepy internet/social media stuff, this sounds just like my 5-year-old daughter.

    Looks like a fun road ahead.
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  • PJ_Soul
    PJ_Soul Vancouver, BC Posts: 50,766
    edited June 2015
    PJSiren said:

    It's not about trusting HER....it's about trusting the older boys....a 17 year old boy she was hanging out with already tried to forse himself on her....why should we trust that this boy would be any different especially when HE is sneaking around behind our back and not coming to us and introducing himself to us and saying hey I like hanging out with your daughter can we be friends? A stand up guy in our opinion would be like that.....

    That's fine of you know a person is bad news. Just make sure you don't start lumping all 16 year old boys together and ban them all, because you will just drive your daughter to sneak around behind your back. Before your main concern was just that she was with a boy three years older than her and it sounded like this was the reason behind your protective reaction. But now you're saying the boy sexually assaulted her..... obviously you know there is a big difference between those two things. Did you call the cops to tell them that someone tried to force himself on your daughter?? If that's true, why would she be hanging out with him still? That would be messed up. Maybe your idea of force is different than mine?
    Obviously, if you need to protect your daughter from someone who is dangerous to her in any way, this is a whole other story. And yeah, you should meet the people your daughter hangs with no matter who they are.
    Post edited by PJ_Soul on
    With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy. ~ Desiderata
  • PJSiren
    PJSiren Salem, OR Posts: 5,863
    No this is a different boy...not the same one who did that to her...but yes we need to protect her by meeting and knowing the people she spends her time with....the situation with the other boy who did try to force himself on her was reported and handled yes...
    We just want her to see that a boy who would sneak around and not be willing to meet her parents probably doesn't have good intentions...at any age. And we want her to see that what we are doing is for her protection.
    Music is my Religion and Pearl Jam, my Savior!
    Tattooed Dissident!
  • PJ_Soul
    PJ_Soul Vancouver, BC Posts: 50,766
    edited June 2015
    PJSiren said:

    No this is a different boy...not the same one who did that to her...but yes we need to protect her by meeting and knowing the people she spends her time with....the situation with the other boy who did try to force himself on her was reported and handled yes...
    We just want her to see that a boy who would sneak around and not be willing to meet her parents probably doesn't have good intentions...at any age. And we want her to see that what we are doing is for her protection.

    I agree that if ue's specifically refusing to meet you when asked there is something weird there (has yourbdaughter asked him to come over to meet you though?). But don't expect any teenager to be all gung ho about it either, lol, and make a plint of being sure you meet them. That is not where most kids' priorities would be. A rule for your daughter - I.e. bring her friends around at least once so you can meet them - wouod be a good one and assuming you're not doing anything weird, haha, or forcing them to spend time with you, then that's a pretty easy rule to follow.

    That said, don't distrust boys too much.... your daughter needs to be the biggest factor when it comes to screening the people she hangs out with. Hopefully she can manage to make decisions that show respect to herself in that department, and if that's a problem for her, then I'd definitely worry (but again that is about trust her, not about the boys).
    Post edited by PJ_Soul on
    With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy. ~ Desiderata
  • PJSiren
    PJSiren Salem, OR Posts: 5,863
    PJ_Soul said:

    PJSiren said:

    No this is a different boy...not the same one who did that to her...but yes we need to protect her by meeting and knowing the people she spends her time with....the situation with the other boy who did try to force himself on her was reported and handled yes...
    We just want her to see that a boy who would sneak around and not be willing to meet her parents probably doesn't have good intentions...at any age. And we want her to see that what we are doing is for her protection.

    I agree that if ue's specifically refusing to meet you when asked there is something weird there (has yourbdaughter asked him to come over to meet you though?). But don't expect any teenager to be all gung ho about it either, lol, and make a plint of being sure you meet them. That is not where most kids' priorities would be. A rule for your daughter - I.e. bring her friends around at least once so you can meet them - wouod be a good one and assuming you're not doing anything weird, haha, or forcing them to spend time with you, then that's a pretty easy rule to follow.

    That said, don't distrust boys too much.... your daughter needs to be the biggest factor when it comes to screening the people she hangs out with. Hopefully she can manage to make decisions that show respect to herself in that department, and if that's a problem for her, then I'd definitely worry (but again that is about trust her, not about the boys).
    Yes, we are making it a rule that we have to meet all her friends before she can hang out with them from now on....and no we don't make it weird or anything we just have to meet them, make sure they meet our approval(ie: not bad influences like one of her former friends who she made up her own mind about) but you know...just normal kids and everything...

    The boys thing is just because of the age thing....we don't like the fact that he was so much older than her and he didn't come introduce himself to us first...we feel a nice kid would have done that...and I know she has since asked him to come meet us, and he told her no...so she was very hurt by that...because she thought he was a nice boy....and clearly is not as nice as she thought...
    Music is my Religion and Pearl Jam, my Savior!
    Tattooed Dissident!
  • PJ_Soul
    PJ_Soul Vancouver, BC Posts: 50,766
    Yeah, if he said no he's an idiot.
    With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy. ~ Desiderata
  • RKCNDY
    RKCNDY Posts: 31,013
    Perhaps your daughter needs to explain to the boy, "you just need to meet my parents so they know who you are otherwise we can't hang out. They aren't going to be weird, they just want to know who you are" I trust that you aren't going to grill the guy either, that's what scares off most teenagers.

    Good for you to have rules like that. The world is scarier out there for teenagers now...

    The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun.

    - Christopher McCandless
  • PJSiren
    PJSiren Salem, OR Posts: 5,863
    RKCNDY said:

    Perhaps your daughter needs to explain to the boy, "you just need to meet my parents so they know who you are otherwise we can't hang out. They aren't going to be weird, they just want to know who you are" I trust that you aren't going to grill the guy either, that's what scares off most teenagers.

    Good for you to have rules like that. The world is scarier out there for teenagers now...

    I am pretty sure that is what she tried to do...and he flat out told her no....which, honestly was no skin off our noses we didn't want her hanging out with him anyway because we did feel he was too old...and she has plenty of friends her own age, both boys and girls that we do already approve of....

    My daughter is just constantly searching for validation....that is also a problem, even though we give it to her, it's because of the issues with her birth mother...so she goes looking for it in what my hubby and I consider innappropriate places....such as the company of boys much too old for her....who may or may not be harmless...but after the experience we already had with one, we are hyper proptective of her when it comes to that...we don't want it to happen again....
    Music is my Religion and Pearl Jam, my Savior!
    Tattooed Dissident!

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