Teenagers...?

PJSiren

Parents of teens really, that's who I'm reaching out to...
My daughter is 13, and she's a HUGE PAIN IN THE ASS! She can't take a joke, last night my husband made a joke at her expense, it wasn't mean, it was silly, and she got in a HUFF and stormed out of the house to walk the dog, had not cooled off by the time she got and was smarting off at my husband and me, being just plain unbearable, she was deserving of a good swift kick to the behind, really, but my husband, being the creative one that he is...took a pitcher of water up to her room and dumped on her to "cool her off"...she was not amused and started bawling about the mess it made in her room...after a little while she came downstairs and it was like none of it had ever happened. BUT this poor attitude is the NORM for her lately...and it's getting old...

Just looking for some advice from fellow parents...

badbrains

Boy issues

FoxyRedLa

"Womanly changes"

Last-12-Exit

My daughter just turned 14 and does the same thing. I make her stand with her nose touching the wall. She hates it. I tell her that if her nose comes off the wall, her time starts over. The kid can't stand it. It's been a pretty good deterrent for that attitude she likes to display.

PJSiren

badbrains said:

Boy issues

Oh we're on top of those! LOL

FoxyRedLa said:

"Womanly changes"

Yeah there is that too...and I can get her to talk to me a little about what's going on in that head, but she's so embarassed even to talk to me...another female...

Last-12-Exit said:

My daughter just turned 14 and does the same thing. I make her stand with her nose touching the wall. She hates it. I tell her that if her nose comes off the wall, her time starts over. The kid can't stand it. It's been a pretty good deterrent for that attitude she likes to display.

OMG! I've heard of that with LITTLE kids, but not teens...haha that is funny!!!

Last-12-Exit

PJSiren said:

badbrains said:

Boy issues

Oh we're on top of those! LOL

FoxyRedLa said:

"Womanly changes"

Yeah there is that too...and I can get her to talk to me a little about what's going on in that head, but she's so embarassed even to talk to me...another female...

Last-12-Exit said:

My daughter just turned 14 and does the same thing. I make her stand with her nose touching the wall. She hates it. I tell her that if her nose comes off the wall, her time starts over. The kid can't stand it. It's been a pretty good deterrent for that attitude she likes to display.

OMG! I've heard of that with LITTLE kids, but not teens...haha that is funny!!!

Nothing bothers this kid. Sending her to her room, taking her phone, making her clean. Nothing. Except putting that nose on the wall. She will cry like a 2 year old baby. All I have to say is WALL! And her eyes start to tear up.

FoxyRedLa

My daughter will be 12 next month and we've had 1 of the 2 talks. Went ok. Lol. Definitely awkward - the next talk will be really awkward considering she has a 14 month old sister and another sibling on the way

PJSiren

Last-12-Exit said:

PJSiren said:

badbrains said:

Boy issues

Oh we're on top of those! LOL

FoxyRedLa said:

"Womanly changes"

Yeah there is that too...and I can get her to talk to me a little about what's going on in that head, but she's so embarassed even to talk to me...another female...

Last-12-Exit said:

My daughter just turned 14 and does the same thing. I make her stand with her nose touching the wall. She hates it. I tell her that if her nose comes off the wall, her time starts over. The kid can't stand it. It's been a pretty good deterrent for that attitude she likes to display.

OMG! I've heard of that with LITTLE kids, but not teens...haha that is funny!!!

Nothing bothers this kid. Sending her to her room, taking her phone, making her clean. Nothing. Except putting that nose on the wall. She will cry like a 2 year old baby. All I have to say is WALL! And her eyes start to tear up.

I may have to mention this to my husband...because yeah, making her do anyhting, or taking her phone away, makes her mad that's all and then she starts with the attitude...

Empty Glass

I act like I'm 13, I don't see an issue with teenagers.

My 9 year old though, Captain Know-it-all will surely drive me nuts in 4 years

PJSiren

FoxyRedLa said:

My daughter will be 12 next month and we've had 1 of the 2 talks. Went ok. Lol. Definitely awkward - the next talk will be really awkward considering she has a 14 month old sister and another sibling on the way

We've had to have the talks, we were forced into it because she started sexting and sending naked pictures of herself to random strangers...

We had to have many talks...I'm sure she tuned most of it out, but she lost her phone/kindle and computer priveleges for the rest of the summer, and oh man, yeah, it was hard to deal with...we don't know to this day where she got the idea, most likely a friend, but she's not talkin'...and her usage of all devices is monitore very closely now...

FoxyRedLa

Hmmm....yeah she's definitely going through something. Any major changes around the house or her routine? Anything @ school?

Amongst the Ani

Find her a therapist she feels comfortable talking to. We had issues with our 14 year old daughter always jumping on the other kids and her Mother (I'm Daddy dearest still luckily) and always was kind of a misfit. She took to black clothing quickly. Turned out she had anxiety issues enhanced by school and just having someone she trusted to guide her has made a world of difference. 6 months later she is loving her drama class, has friends (and a boyfriend which is why I dont sleep anymore) and is pleasant to actually be around. Its not my kid anymore, it was like aliens swapped her out with a much more happier child. It actually puts me to tears watching her and seeing her find her way finally.

justam

Children pass through the difficult times and return to themselves after a while. Just be kind, respectful, and try not to aggravate them with nonsense and too much pressure.

Treat them as individuals who might need some space at these times.

OP, honestly, if my step-father had dumped a pitcher of water on me as a teen I would have been livid! It was a disrespectful thing to do to a female teen! It seems rather mean-spirited to me.

RKCNDY

I have to agree with justam...the water thing was a little dramatic.

I'm not a parent, but I think one thing parents forget, is that when teenagers are 'growing up' they are full of emotions that are wildly swinging, and they are trying to get control of them.
Think of all the kids who commit suicide because of teasing, they are living in the 'now', they haven't experienced life like older people, even people just 5 years older. They don't know that eventually they will feel better about themselves, they don't know that there is more to life than "when the new girl stole their best friend away from me". Sometimes when someone says something to another person, they may think it's silly, but you never know how that person will perceive it.
Perhaps a simple, "I know life can be frustrating sometimes, and I'm here to listen if you ever want to talk" and NO JUDGING...just listen, I think just having someone listen to to you when you are having a horrible day is the best thing someone can do for another person.

PJSiren

FoxyRedLa said:

Hmmm....yeah she's definitely going through something. Any major changes around the house or her routine? Anything @ school?

The only thing we can come up with is that this time of year...feb/march is around the time when she was removed from her mother's care and placed with dad permanently and that is still getting to her 8 years later...because nothing has changed at home or school at all.

cdysinge said:

Find her a therapist she feels comfortable talking to. We had issues with our 14 year old daughter always jumping on the other kids and her Mother (I'm Daddy dearest still luckily) and always was kind of a misfit. She took to black clothing quickly. Turned out she had anxiety issues enhanced by school and just having someone she trusted to guide her has made a world of difference. 6 months later she is loving her drama class, has friends (and a boyfriend which is why I dont sleep anymore) and is pleasant to actually be around. Its not my kid anymore, it was like aliens swapped her out with a much more happier child. It actually puts me to tears watching her and seeing her find her way finally.

We've tried this so many times, she's gone to counseling and she won't talk...she just sits there staring at the counselor like it's a attle of wills...that's what one of them told us...

RKCNDY said:

I have to agree with justam...the water thing was a little dramatic.

I'm not a parent, but I think one thing parents forget, is that when teenagers are 'growing up' they are full of emotions that are wildly swinging, and they are trying to get control of them.
Think of all the kids who commit suicide because of teasing, they are living in the 'now', they haven't experienced life like older people, even people just 5 years older. They don't know that eventually they will feel better about themselves, they don't know that there is more to life than "when the new girl stole their best friend away from me". Sometimes when someone says something to another person, they may think it's silly, but you never know how that person will perceive it.
Perhaps a simple, "I know life can be frustrating sometimes, and I'm here to listen if you ever want to talk" and NO JUDGING...just listen, I think just having someone listen to to you when you are having a horrible day is the best thing someone can do for another person.

I do give her ample opportunity to talk to me, and she doesn't want to most of the time...what I do get is random bits and pieces...she just doesn't like opening up to me or her dad...even though I've tried to explain to her that I come from a messed up situation like her's, and if she wants to talk to me about her anger towards her mom I'm here to listen, or if she wants to talk about school, or boys or whatever...but all I get are those bits and pieces...

RKCNDY

PJSiren said:

I do give her ample opportunity to talk to me, and she doesn't want to most of the time...what I do get is random bits and pieces...she just doesn't like opening up to me or her dad...even though I've tried to explain to her that I come from a messed up situation like her's, and if she wants to talk to me about her anger towards her mom I'm here to listen, or if she wants to talk about school, or boys or whatever...but all I get are those bits and pieces...

ok, so it's possible, she doesn't see you as a 'neutral' person. You are someone that knows her life story, and she might feel uncomfortable sharing certain things with you. So as cdysinge says, find her a therapist, they are 'neutral ground' and have a confidentiality agreement (of course if she is into self harm, then they are not), she just may need someone to vent to and ask advice from a different perspective.

I wish you the best of luck.

Last-12-Exit

justam said:

Children pass through the difficult times and return to themselves after a while. Just be kind, respectful, and try not to aggravate them with nonsense and too much pressure.

Treat them as individuals who might need some space at these times.

OP, honestly, if my step-father had dumped a pitcher of water on me as a teen I would have been livid! It was a disrespectful thing to do to a female teen! It seems rather mean-spirited to me.

I couldn't disagree more. Sometimes it is necessary to step out of the box when dealing with teenage angst. Years from now, she will look back on that and laugh. Possibly even do it to her own children.

Edit: I couldn't disagree more with your third point. Points one and two, I agree with.

shortstack

I stopped reading after the part about her father pouring water on her.

FoxyRedLa

I totally get the bits and pieces part. I do think she'll come around. Battle of the wills...eek. I'd just continue doing what you already are and just be there for her - and there are ways to monitor her without her knowing so she still feels like you trust her.

Blended families are tough but I look @ it like you were the chosen one. And she does hear you and she does need you. She'll figure it out.

PJSiren

FoxyRedLa said:

I totally get the bits and pieces part. I do think she'll come around. Battle of the wills...eek. I'd just continue doing what you already are and just be there for her - and there are ways to monitor her without her knowing so she still feels like you trust her.

Blended families are tough but I look @ it like you were the chosen one. And she does hear you and she does need you. She'll figure it out.

We do monitor her computer time, the parental controls and all those magic features are on, and she doesn't know it, and we check up on her FB without her knowing it...because that's one of the places she was meeting these random strangers...so we had made her take everyone off that wasn't family, or school friend from her old school or her current school, and we're monitoring that to make sure it stays that way...so far, she's been good. I'm trying my best.

The blended thing has been hard because I went from no kids to an 8 year old...and I'm great with kids, I've worked with kids in the past, and I love kids, but this whole teenager thing has me thrown for a loop, she got here way too fast...but I know she does love me and need me, I'm mom she calls me mom, she picked me, just as much as her dad did...

badbrains

I say put her nose on the wall and pour water on her head. That should teach her a good lesson. If not, blame Scott on that idea. Just saying.

PJfanwillneverleave1

Sounds like you have a typical teenager with fraught emotions.
Typical actions for the brain age.

What your husband did with the water pouring was stupid and wrong.

justam

Last-12-Exit said:

justam said:

Children pass through the difficult times and return to themselves after a while. Just be kind, respectful, and try not to aggravate them with nonsense and too much pressure.

Treat them as individuals who might need some space at these times.

OP, honestly, if my step-father had dumped a pitcher of water on me as a teen I would have been livid! It was a disrespectful thing to do to a female teen! It seems rather mean-spirited to me.

I couldn't disagree more. Sometimes it is necessary to step out of the box when dealing with teenage angst. Years from now, she will look back on that and laugh. Possibly even do it to her own children.

Edit: I couldn't disagree more with your third point. Points one and two, I agree with.

How can you "disagree" with the fact that I feel that if someone did that to me as a teen I'd be livid?! I know that's how I would have felt. How can you "disagree" with my opinion that it was disrespectful? Pouring cold water on a person?! Really?!

I don't get why you don't see it.

oftenreading

I have a 15 year old, and all I'd add is that teenagers are exquisitely sensitive to embarrassment. They are desperately trying to find their way toward growing up but not losing the connection with their parents, whose opinions do matter most regardless of how they act. I'd just suggest you both try to steer clear of any consequences/punishments that are designed to shame her. As much as possible just under-react to eye rolling and disrespectful talk because it's designed to shock and doesn't really matter anyway. Remind her that you speak respectfully to her and you expect the same from her as an almost-adult, and that the stuff she wants (rides, extra cash, etc.) only come when she's polite, then let it go and wait for her to come back to you in a more respectful fashion. My daughter may start a bit of that sort of thing, but if I just say "we don't talk like that to each other in our family", she stops and apologizes.

The "little bits" that you get from her are great; don't worry that you're not getting more, that's pretty much what the rest of us get! Teenagers mostly want to see that you're not going to freak out on them before they feel safe sharing anything else.

Good luck.

hedonist

Having been a teenager (quite awhile ago, but still), I can relate to the feelings and shitstorm of being that age. Of living through that age...then surviving and thriving.

Also must say that some of the wisdom in this thread uplifts the hell out of me. Bless you parents who not only care about your children, but act upon it - show it - in ways I wish more would.

PJSiren

oftenreading said:

I have a 15 year old, and all I'd add is that teenagers are exquisitely sensitive to embarrassment. They are desperately trying to find their way toward growing up but not losing the connection with their parents, whose opinions do matter most regardless of how they act. I'd just suggest you both try to steer clear of any consequences/punishments that are designed to shame her. As much as possible just under-react to eye rolling and disrespectful talk because it's designed to shock and doesn't really matter anyway. Remind her that you speak respectfully to her and you expect the same from her as an almost-adult, and that the stuff she wants (rides, extra cash, etc.) only come when she's polite, then let it go and wait for her to come back to you in a more respectful fashion. My daughter may start a bit of that sort of thing, but if I just say "we don't talk like that to each other in our family", she stops and apologizes.

The "little bits" that you get from her are great; don't worry that you're not getting more, that's pretty much what the rest of us get! Teenagers mostly want to see that you're not going to freak out on them before they feel safe sharing anything else.

Good luck.

That's great...I will try that sentence with her...I speak to her respectfully until the attitude starts then she gets yelled at to go to her room until she can be nice...I have a hard time with that...I have a short fuse...

PJSiren

hedonist said:

Having been a teenager (quite awhile ago, but still), I can relate to the feelings and shitstorm of being that age. Of living through that age...then surviving and thriving.

Also must say that some of the wisdom in this thread uplifts the hell out of me. Bless you parents who not only care about your children, but act upon it - show it - in ways I wish more would.

See I try to look back on being a teen too, but I didn't go through teen angst in that way....I didn't have an attitude with my mom...ever...ok occasionally I was a sassy one but I did not get like my daughter does....that's another reason I am having a hard time because I don't have the same experience to look back on....

Wobbie

I need that :popcorn: guy.

I feel your pain even if I have a puppy and not a teenager. Good luck!

it's weird....I got into all kinds of shit in my teenage years but my straight edge sister was much more of a daily pain in the ass to my parents.

ldent42

Ot

Last-12-Exit

justam said:

Last-12-Exit said:

justam said:

Children pass through the difficult times and return to themselves after a while. Just be kind, respectful, and try not to aggravate them with nonsense and too much pressure.

Treat them as individuals who might need some space at these times.

OP, honestly, if my step-father had dumped a pitcher of water on me as a teen I would have been livid! It was a disrespectful thing to do to a female teen! It seems rather mean-spirited to me.

I couldn't disagree more. Sometimes it is necessary to step out of the box when dealing with teenage angst. Years from now, she will look back on that and laugh. Possibly even do it to her own children.

Edit: I couldn't disagree more with your third point. Points one and two, I agree with.

How can you "disagree" with the fact that I feel that if someone did that to me as a teen I'd be livid?! I know that's how I would have felt. How can you "disagree" with my opinion that it was disrespectful? Pouring cold water on a person?! Really?!

I don't get why you don't see it.

Ok. Just because you would've been livid doesn't make me agree. If my daughter was being disrespectful and she needed to cool off, I see nothing wrong with pouring water on her head to cool her off. What should be done? Let her be a disrespectful, spoiled little brat? Sometimes a nice talk doesn't work. Should I beat the attitude out of her? Maybe that'll work?

That's how I disagree. That's fine that you think it was hateful. I really don't care. My point was that I disagree with you that it was. I agree that you think it was hateful. However, I disagree with you that the act itself is hateful. Is that better?

Yea, pouring water on your daughters head, no big deal. The kid probably deserved worse.

rr165892

RKCNDY said:

I have to agree with justam...the water thing was a little dramatic.

I'm not a parent, but I think one thing parents forget, is that when teenagers are 'growing up' they are full of emotions that are wildly swinging, and they are trying to get control of them.
Think of all the kids who commit suicide because of teasing, they are living in the 'now', they haven't experienced life like older people, even people just 5 years older. They don't know that eventually they will feel better about themselves, they don't know that there is more to life than "when the new girl stole their best friend away from me". Sometimes when someone says something to another person, they may think it's silly, but you never know how that person will perceive it.
Perhaps a simple, "I know life can be frustrating sometimes, and I'm here to listen if you ever want to talk" and NO JUDGING...just listen, I think just having someone listen to to you when you are having a horrible day is the best thing someone can do for another person.

For not having Kids,your right on target RK.This is sound advice,and although hard to bring yourself to slow it down and not to get to worked up while dealing with these kids,it def helps not escalating the situation.Stay consistent and even keeled.
We would not say"we are so angry or mad at you" we turned it into "We are quite disappointed in your descion making" Or "we expected better" putting more of the so called "don't treat me like a child " aside and giving them the leeway to act in a more mature and responsible manner.It always worked with ours.
If we treated ours when they were teens with respect and like little adults living in our house,they seemed to respond a bit more mature and not act out.Sure you get the hormonal stuff and the boy,gossipy stuff that's all typical