Teenagers...?

PJfanwillneverleave1

Sounds like you have a typical teenager with fraught emotions.
Typical actions for the brain age.

What your husband did with the water pouring was stupid and wrong.

justam

Last-12-Exit said:

justam said:

Children pass through the difficult times and return to themselves after a while. Just be kind, respectful, and try not to aggravate them with nonsense and too much pressure.

Treat them as individuals who might need some space at these times.

OP, honestly, if my step-father had dumped a pitcher of water on me as a teen I would have been livid! It was a disrespectful thing to do to a female teen! It seems rather mean-spirited to me.

I couldn't disagree more. Sometimes it is necessary to step out of the box when dealing with teenage angst. Years from now, she will look back on that and laugh. Possibly even do it to her own children.

Edit: I couldn't disagree more with your third point. Points one and two, I agree with.

How can you "disagree" with the fact that I feel that if someone did that to me as a teen I'd be livid?! I know that's how I would have felt. How can you "disagree" with my opinion that it was disrespectful? Pouring cold water on a person?! Really?!

I don't get why you don't see it.

oftenreading

I have a 15 year old, and all I'd add is that teenagers are exquisitely sensitive to embarrassment. They are desperately trying to find their way toward growing up but not losing the connection with their parents, whose opinions do matter most regardless of how they act. I'd just suggest you both try to steer clear of any consequences/punishments that are designed to shame her. As much as possible just under-react to eye rolling and disrespectful talk because it's designed to shock and doesn't really matter anyway. Remind her that you speak respectfully to her and you expect the same from her as an almost-adult, and that the stuff she wants (rides, extra cash, etc.) only come when she's polite, then let it go and wait for her to come back to you in a more respectful fashion. My daughter may start a bit of that sort of thing, but if I just say "we don't talk like that to each other in our family", she stops and apologizes.

The "little bits" that you get from her are great; don't worry that you're not getting more, that's pretty much what the rest of us get! Teenagers mostly want to see that you're not going to freak out on them before they feel safe sharing anything else.

Good luck.

hedonist

Having been a teenager (quite awhile ago, but still), I can relate to the feelings and shitstorm of being that age. Of living through that age...then surviving and thriving.

Also must say that some of the wisdom in this thread uplifts the hell out of me. Bless you parents who not only care about your children, but act upon it - show it - in ways I wish more would.

PJSiren

oftenreading said:

I have a 15 year old, and all I'd add is that teenagers are exquisitely sensitive to embarrassment. They are desperately trying to find their way toward growing up but not losing the connection with their parents, whose opinions do matter most regardless of how they act. I'd just suggest you both try to steer clear of any consequences/punishments that are designed to shame her. As much as possible just under-react to eye rolling and disrespectful talk because it's designed to shock and doesn't really matter anyway. Remind her that you speak respectfully to her and you expect the same from her as an almost-adult, and that the stuff she wants (rides, extra cash, etc.) only come when she's polite, then let it go and wait for her to come back to you in a more respectful fashion. My daughter may start a bit of that sort of thing, but if I just say "we don't talk like that to each other in our family", she stops and apologizes.

The "little bits" that you get from her are great; don't worry that you're not getting more, that's pretty much what the rest of us get! Teenagers mostly want to see that you're not going to freak out on them before they feel safe sharing anything else.

Good luck.

That's great...I will try that sentence with her...I speak to her respectfully until the attitude starts then she gets yelled at to go to her room until she can be nice...I have a hard time with that...I have a short fuse...

PJSiren

hedonist said:

Having been a teenager (quite awhile ago, but still), I can relate to the feelings and shitstorm of being that age. Of living through that age...then surviving and thriving.

Also must say that some of the wisdom in this thread uplifts the hell out of me. Bless you parents who not only care about your children, but act upon it - show it - in ways I wish more would.

See I try to look back on being a teen too, but I didn't go through teen angst in that way....I didn't have an attitude with my mom...ever...ok occasionally I was a sassy one but I did not get like my daughter does....that's another reason I am having a hard time because I don't have the same experience to look back on....

Wobbie

I need that :popcorn: guy.

I feel your pain even if I have a puppy and not a teenager. Good luck!

it's weird....I got into all kinds of shit in my teenage years but my straight edge sister was much more of a daily pain in the ass to my parents.

ldent42

Ot

Last-12-Exit

justam said:

Last-12-Exit said:

justam said:

Children pass through the difficult times and return to themselves after a while. Just be kind, respectful, and try not to aggravate them with nonsense and too much pressure.

Treat them as individuals who might need some space at these times.

OP, honestly, if my step-father had dumped a pitcher of water on me as a teen I would have been livid! It was a disrespectful thing to do to a female teen! It seems rather mean-spirited to me.

I couldn't disagree more. Sometimes it is necessary to step out of the box when dealing with teenage angst. Years from now, she will look back on that and laugh. Possibly even do it to her own children.

Edit: I couldn't disagree more with your third point. Points one and two, I agree with.

How can you "disagree" with the fact that I feel that if someone did that to me as a teen I'd be livid?! I know that's how I would have felt. How can you "disagree" with my opinion that it was disrespectful? Pouring cold water on a person?! Really?!

I don't get why you don't see it.

Ok. Just because you would've been livid doesn't make me agree. If my daughter was being disrespectful and she needed to cool off, I see nothing wrong with pouring water on her head to cool her off. What should be done? Let her be a disrespectful, spoiled little brat? Sometimes a nice talk doesn't work. Should I beat the attitude out of her? Maybe that'll work?

That's how I disagree. That's fine that you think it was hateful. I really don't care. My point was that I disagree with you that it was. I agree that you think it was hateful. However, I disagree with you that the act itself is hateful. Is that better?

Yea, pouring water on your daughters head, no big deal. The kid probably deserved worse.

rr165892

RKCNDY said:

I have to agree with justam...the water thing was a little dramatic.

I'm not a parent, but I think one thing parents forget, is that when teenagers are 'growing up' they are full of emotions that are wildly swinging, and they are trying to get control of them.
Think of all the kids who commit suicide because of teasing, they are living in the 'now', they haven't experienced life like older people, even people just 5 years older. They don't know that eventually they will feel better about themselves, they don't know that there is more to life than "when the new girl stole their best friend away from me". Sometimes when someone says something to another person, they may think it's silly, but you never know how that person will perceive it.
Perhaps a simple, "I know life can be frustrating sometimes, and I'm here to listen if you ever want to talk" and NO JUDGING...just listen, I think just having someone listen to to you when you are having a horrible day is the best thing someone can do for another person.

For not having Kids,your right on target RK.This is sound advice,and although hard to bring yourself to slow it down and not to get to worked up while dealing with these kids,it def helps not escalating the situation.Stay consistent and even keeled.
We would not say"we are so angry or mad at you" we turned it into "We are quite disappointed in your descion making" Or "we expected better" putting more of the so called "don't treat me like a child " aside and giving them the leeway to act in a more mature and responsible manner.It always worked with ours.
If we treated ours when they were teens with respect and like little adults living in our house,they seemed to respond a bit more mature and not act out.Sure you get the hormonal stuff and the boy,gossipy stuff that's all typical

Amongst the Ani

PJSiren said:

oftenreading said:

I have a 15 year old, and all I'd add is that teenagers are exquisitely sensitive to embarrassment. They are desperately trying to find their way toward growing up but not losing the connection with their parents, whose opinions do matter most regardless of how they act. I'd just suggest you both try to steer clear of any consequences/punishments that are designed to shame her. As much as possible just under-react to eye rolling and disrespectful talk because it's designed to shock and doesn't really matter anyway. Remind her that you speak respectfully to her and you expect the same from her as an almost-adult, and that the stuff she wants (rides, extra cash, etc.) only come when she's polite, then let it go and wait for her to come back to you in a more respectful fashion. My daughter may start a bit of that sort of thing, but if I just say "we don't talk like that to each other in our family", she stops and apologizes.

The "little bits" that you get from her are great; don't worry that you're not getting more, that's pretty much what the rest of us get! Teenagers mostly want to see that you're not going to freak out on them before they feel safe sharing anything else.

Good luck.

That's great...I will try that sentence with her...I speak to her respectfully until the attitude starts then she gets yelled at to go to her room until she can be nice...I have a hard time with that...I have a short fuse...

Accountability is the big thing the therapist worked on with my daughter. It's easy at that age to get caught up in their lifes drama and easy to blame everything on others. The therapist called her out on her bullshit and challenged her. We lucked out in that my daughter was not happy and wanted to change and really liked her therapist to where she enjoys going.

samjam

My 2 cents as probably the person on here closest to teen age (also my sister is still a teenager)
Question: did you/your husband apologize to her for pouring the water on her head?

If one of my parents did that to my sister and I, I'd be extremely hurt and embarrassed and even less likely to come to them if I needed to talk. I think a lot of the "I HATE YOU GUYS" stage for teens is the thought that parents are just 'life ruiners' and 'everything is my fault, right?' There can be a lot of rules when it comes to teen years, trying to teach and enforce what's right and what's wrong. But apologizing in general I think can go a long way--it humanizes you and says, "hey, I fuck up too, and I'm sorry." I think that can be a way to create dialogue, maybe. "Sorry we reacted that way, but we were taken aback with how you acted. We need to both think about our actions and consequences" type of thing.

Just my thoughts. I'm not even a parent (nor do I ever want to be), but I have been a kid on the other side, and it wasn't that long ago.

Indifference71

PJfanwillneverleave1 said:

What your husband did with the water pouring was stupid and wrong. What a prick.

Per the usual, no one can talk about an issue around here without it becoming personal and resorting to name-calling. Funny that you say something like this in a thread about immature teenagers.

badbrains

Indifference71 said:

PJfanwillneverleave1 said:

What your husband did with the water pouring was stupid and wrong. What a prick.

Per the usual, no one can talk about an issue around here without it becoming personal and resorting to name-calling. Funny that you say something like this in a thread about immature teenagers.

Fuck the Blackhawks! Let's go rangers

hedonist

samjam said:

My 2 cents as probably the person on here closest to teen age (also my sister is still a teenager)
Question: did you/your husband apologize to her for pouring the water on her head?

If one of my parents did that to my sister and I, I'd be extremely hurt and embarrassed and even less likely to come to them if I needed to talk. I think a lot of the "I HATE YOU GUYS" stage for teens is the thought that parents are just 'life ruiners' and 'everything is my fault, right?' There can be a lot of rules when it comes to teen years, trying to teach and enforce what's right and what's wrong. But apologizing in general I think can go a long way--it humanizes you and says, "hey, I fuck up too, and I'm sorry." I think that can be a way to create dialogue, maybe. "Sorry we reacted that way, but we were taken aback with how you acted. We need to both think about our actions and consequences" type of thing.

Just my thoughts. I'm not even a parent (nor do I ever want to be), but I have been a kid on the other side, and it wasn't that long ago.

My dad treated me much that way - "I'm human too, make mistakes, and apologize for them". What a stellar example to set and live by.

And you...I think you are a young sage

PJfanwillneverleave1

post deleted by Admin.

rr165892

hedonist said:

samjam said:

My 2 cents as probably the person on here closest to teen age (also my sister is still a teenager)
Question: did you/your husband apologize to her for pouring the water on her head?

If one of my parents did that to my sister and I, I'd be extremely hurt and embarrassed and even less likely to come to them if I needed to talk. I think a lot of the "I HATE YOU GUYS" stage for teens is the thought that parents are just 'life ruiners' and 'everything is my fault, right?' There can be a lot of rules when it comes to teen years, trying to teach and enforce what's right and what's wrong. But apologizing in general I think can go a long way--it humanizes you and says, "hey, I fuck up too, and I'm sorry." I think that can be a way to create dialogue, maybe. "Sorry we reacted that way, but we were taken aback with how you acted. We need to both think about our actions and consequences" type of thing.

Just my thoughts. I'm not even a parent (nor do I ever want to be), but I have been a kid on the other side, and it wasn't that long ago.

My dad treated me much that way - "I'm human too, make mistakes, and apologize for them". What a stellar example to set and live by.

And you...I think you are a young sage

Wise man Hedo

rr165892

badbrains said:

Indifference71 said:

PJfanwillneverleave1 said:

What your husband did with the water pouring was stupid and wrong. What a prick.

Per the usual, no one can talk about an issue around here without it becoming personal and resorting to name-calling. Funny that you say something like this in a thread about immature teenagers.

Fuck the Blackhawks! Let's go rangers

Fuck both, go panthers!

Indifference71

PJfanwillneverleave1 said:

Indifference71 said:

PJfanwillneverleave1 said:

What your husband did with the water pouring was stupid and wrong. What a prick.

Per the usual, no one can talk about an issue around here without it becoming personal and resorting to name-calling. Funny that you say something like this in a thread about immature teenagers.

I stand by my comment 100%. A parent who dumps water on a child to cool off is a stupid and immature prick.

What a stupid thing to do to a child. Seriously.

Hilarious that you call someone immature as you sit behind your keyboard calling people names.

JK_Livin

My daughter is turning 11 very soon and can't take a joke for shit and thy're little jabs. She storms off. The jokes aren't stopping.