women and marriage...

MissJam81

stargirl69 wrote:

catefrances wrote:

MissJam81 wrote:

Hey everyone! Thanks for all the replies and opinions! its helped me a lot! I have spoken to him about it, and we both up for having a family in the near future, but I cant help my frustration feelings! I have considered seeing a counsellor but he refuses... I am a Counselling Trainee myself and know how that could help us through... anyway, it isnt just the commitment I want... i want to be his wife, cos I love him to bits! I'll finish reading all the comments, watch this space ps: Thanks Dimitri! Ur lovely!!

why do you want to be his wife? why isnt being with him simply as his partner, his equal enough? what does being someones wife mean? is it a need to belong? is it a need to be able to say...i am johnnys wife? i think the commitment comes irrespective of that peice of paper. what is a piece of paper going ot stop you doing? what does that piece of paper represent.. to you? do men tie themselves in knots thinking about being someones husband?

well.... because I love him, and Id love to be Mrs. whoever ( his surname) Nope, no need to belong about the piece of paper, not very bothered about that really! about men wanting to get married, yes, they do, Ive got at least 3 male friends who at the moment would do anything to meet the woman they would like to marry... so each to their own I think... Did I pass? thanks for ur repply

your move now

I have to agree....

but only on the men do too, I had a breakup caused partially by that exact thing a few years ago. this socialisation thing has fucked up everyone not just women

pandora

Customs, traditions, morals, values form within a society and aid an individual
in the process of personal growth throughout a lifetime ...

influencing hopes, dreams, ideals.

Socialization is only partially accountable for our chosen beliefs and behaviors,
some is based in biological genetics and childhood environment.
A combination of factors work together to bring us to satisfaction.

Some people would not be satisfied without the ultimate social commitment of marriage...

besides it's fun!

catefrances

MissJam81 wrote:

well.... because I love him, and Id love to be Mrs. whoever ( his surname) Nope, no need to belong about the piece of paper, not very bothered about that really! about men wanting to get married, yes, they do, Ive got at least 3 male friends who at the moment would do anything to meet the woman they would like to marry... so each to their own I think... Did I pass? thanks for ur repply

it wasnt a test.. so not sure about whether you passed or not. i was just curious.

your move now

pandora wrote:

Customs, traditions, morals, values form within a society and aid an individual
in the process of personal growth throughout a lifetime ...

influencing hopes, dreams, ideals.

Socialization is only partially accountable for our chosen beliefs and behaviors,
some is based in biological genetics and childhood environment.
A combination of factors work together to bring us to satisfaction.

Some people would not be satisfied without the ultimate social commitment of marriage...

besides it's fun!

marriage is still around because of tradition and socialisation and religion, if it weren't for those 3 it wouldn't be there.
As to the issue of death/serious injury of a partner? It's called a will, people should have one anyway.

MissJam81

catefrances wrote:

MissJam81 wrote:

well.... because I love him, and Id love to be Mrs. whoever ( his surname) Nope, no need to belong about the piece of paper, not very bothered about that really! about men wanting to get married, yes, they do, Ive got at least 3 male friends who at the moment would do anything to meet the woman they would like to marry... so each to their own I think... Did I pass? thanks for ur repply

it wasnt a test.. so not sure about whether you passed or not. i was just curious.

I know, it was just a silly joke, sorry im happy to answer any of your questions, im here to make friends, the more the merrier

pandora

Marriage is around because people choose to marry :?
as even in the current fight for the right to marry of same sex couples.

It is a union that is valued.

There is some dismissal of the union in this thread , a lack of acceptance,
a lack of appreciation for it based on what is right for oneself.

It appears though in doing this, some are not showing others
the common courtesy of choice without belittling that choice,
devaluing the union, dismissing it based on what is right for them.

The OP has stated it is right for her. She is met with opposition and badgering questions
as to why and almost the need to defend her feeling, her knowing
what is right, what she needs and wants to share with her boyfriend.
And she wants that meaningful day in a lifetime to proclaim
love and celebrate the precious bond they create. This is special to her.
Why question that!

I commend that and boy is she ever a good sport!

Loulou

My husband and I have been together for nearly 13 years and we got married after 10 years. We just wanted a small wedding, (just our Mums) and pissed off to Fiji to get hitched. It wasn't about the party or religion it was just that he wanted to be able to call me his wife and i wanted to be able to call him my husband, almost of a celebration of all the past trials and tribulations we'd been through and survived. It was lovely.

I doesnt really matter why you think it's necessary or why you believe what you believe, what matters is that this is important to you. I wish you the best of luck and I hope you guys can work it out.

JonnyPistachio

PJ_Soul wrote:

I hate to say it, but I don't think you will "get over that". Trust me, as time goes on it will naw away at you, you will likely just grow resentful over time. If you feel marriage is important, then it IS important. If your boyfriend doesn't see eye to eye on this issue, I think it's probably going to end up being a deal breaker. You may as well try and be with someone who doesn't want children when you do. It just doesn't work in the long run. You can certaiy try to convince yourself that you can get past this but both personal experience and observation of others tells me that you likely will not enjoy how this turns out if you try and see it his way. If anything, he should be trying to change HIS view, because that way he is simply letting go of what is basically a phobia. If you try and change and ignore what you really feel, you are letting go of a dream and something that is deeply important to you. Now, which one sounds like something that should be let go of in this scenario??? ... if he really wants to spend his life with you, then he should marry you, because that's the only way you're going to be able to move forward happily and comfortably with him. Why are YOU automatically the one who has to change your feelings here, when yours are the positive feelings, and his are rooted in negativity and a deep seated fear if legal commitment with you??? You will not be happy if you choose that route.

This is awfully bold advice, and I think its projecting too much. Coming from a guy who knows about guys with your b/fs mentality, i'd completely ignore the first half of this post. But there is a lot of truth in the second half of this post. The situation here is a desire (wedding) vs. a hangup (traumatic past). Is it healthier to force someone to face a trauma, or for a desire to be fulfilled?

Is there a possible middle ground? It simply sounds like you both need to communicate more without pushing anything.

Bottom line is he loves you and you love him -- your relationship could be just as strong whether or not you're married.

Some guys like this just need time. Do not do ANYTHING because of general social constructs. Do whatever you need to do because of your relationship with him. My advice might be incorrect too (and possibly too bold since none of us really know you, your b/f or the real situation), but I'd bet that given more time, he might be willing to get married once he sees that your relationship does not reflect anything else past hangups.

Jeanwah

OP, I realize you're in love with the idea of being a Mrs. So-and-so. And you're in love with the idea of a wedding. (this is what your posts imply). I don't know; wanting these sorts of things are straight out of a fairy tale book, and living happily ever after never works the way we dream. I think letting go of a dream wedding, first of all, is necessary (and weddings are blase' anyway). Second, divorce rates are now over 50%. If you're not keen on the idea of ever divorcing, you may want to think long and hard about the idea of marriage. Not trying to dissuade you, but trying to make you really think about WHY you want marriage.

It sounds like the idea of counseling is a great idea but if your boyfriend wont do it, it tells me that he's unwilling to meet in the middle. Ask him again. If one party is unwilling to make a relationship work, it's a sign of trouble and heartache. Especially if you want more commitment going forward.

Oh, and if you live in the U.S., after 7 years you're common law married anyway.

Dru_Cortez

I am absolutely
sending a link for this thread
to my gf!
I have been a foot-dragger
on the marriage issue for months...
uh, years maybe?!
I don't have an opinion to throw
into the ring at the moment.
I have a feeling I will be following this thread
on n' off for the next little while.
Keep it friendly kids,
whatever your opinion!
Cheers.

your move now

Wow.... this has nothing to do with gay marriage. I've been and continue to be an active part of that struggle over here. Look for me at Equal Love Rallys , BUT it is called Equal Love for a reason, it's not as much about marriage as it is about EQUALITY.
Have spoken to lots of people about it, many for whom it's a personal issue, most are not against the alternative of just abolishing marriage altogether (this could lead to a separate debate here and I apologize in advance), obviously the religious ceremony of marriage would still exist but that has nothing to do with either issue.

I am not against marriage if both people want it, but I don't understand and probably never will the idea that it adds something to a relationship.
It is harder to get out of in some cases but I don't think that's a good thing I think it's terrible. If the only reason people are together is because of a marriage certificate they shouldn't be.
Unless it's a religious issue I just think making it into such a big deal is petty. If that's the biggest problem in a relationship then you have it pretty good

stardust1976

Hmmm...I don't know. I think if it means enough to you that you have come on here and asked for advice, it's not something that you are just going to 'get over'.

Marriage is personal and means different things to different people. I was married for 12 years and when I kicked him out, I had no desire to ever be married again. But I got married a couple of weeks ago to someone who truly is my soulmate. And I there is nothing I wanted more, than to be married to him.

Regardless of other people's opinions on what marriage is or isn't, when you are in a long term committed relationship, you need to have the same views on that. There are things you can have differing opinions on, but whether you want to be married is not one of them. If the two of you are GENUINELY fine with not being married, then great. It works for you and I wish you all the best forever. BUT, if one of you wants that ring/certificate/ceremony and reception, and the other doesn't, it will cause issues.

For me, marriage is a beautiful thing - yes, we as women do quite often dream from an early age of getting married, having the beautiful dress and having everyone treat us like a princess for a day. Your wedding is only one day though. If it's the wedding you want, rather than the actual marriage, then maybe you don't want it for the right reasons?
We had a lovely garden ceremony, I wore a short dress with Chucks on my feet, and my kids and my new brother in law were our bridal party. My sister took our photos, we had a party at a local pub after, and we were the last to leave, after getting VERY drunk with the last of the guests. We had an absolute ball. It was so much fun, and the guests have all said the same thing.

It was a party to celebrate our love for each other. It was awesome. And being married is awesome when you have the right person. It's a lovely feeling to be able to say 'husband' or 'wife'. To know that they are wearing that ring on their finger to show the world that they love you and have committed to you for a lifetime is wonderful.

Yes, divorce rates are high, but there are many reasons for that.

I'm just saying, if you want it that much, you need to express to him how much you want it, or it will become a sticking point down the track.

Good luck to you, and I hope it all turns out for the best.

MissJam81

Dru_Cortez wrote:

I am absolutely
sending a link for this thread
to my gf!
I have been a foot-dragger
on the marriage issue for months...
uh, years maybe?!
I don't have an opinion to throw
into the ring at the moment.
I have a feeling I will be following this thread
on n' off for the next little while.
Keep it friendly kids,
whatever your opinion!
Cheers.

let us know how you're getting on pls and I'll do the same

MissJam81

stardust1976 wrote:

Hmmm...I don't know. I think if it means enough to you that you have come on here and asked for advice, it's not something that you are just going to 'get over'.

Marriage is personal and means different things to different people. I was married for 12 years and when I kicked him out, I had no desire to ever be married again. But I got married a couple of weeks ago to someone who truly is my soulmate. And I there is nothing I wanted more, than to be married to him.

Regardless of other people's opinions on what marriage is or isn't, when you are in a long term committed relationship, you need to have the same views on that. There are things you can have differing opinions on, but whether you want to be married is not one of them. If the two of you are GENUINELY fine with not being married, then great. It works for you and I wish you all the best forever. BUT, if one of you wants that ring/certificate/ceremony and reception, and the other doesn't, it will cause issues.

For me, marriage is a beautiful thing - yes, we as women do quite often dream from an early age of getting married, having the beautiful dress and having everyone treat us like a princess for a day. Your wedding is only one day though. If it's the wedding you want, rather than the actual marriage, then maybe you don't want it for the right reasons?
We had a lovely garden ceremony, I wore a short dress with Chucks on my feet, and my kids and my new brother in law were our bridal party. My sister took our photos, we had a party at a local pub after, and we were the last to leave, after getting VERY drunk with the last of the guests. We had an absolute ball. It was so much fun, and the guests have all said the same thing.

It was a party to celebrate our love for each other. It was awesome. And being married is awesome when you have the right person. It's a lovely feeling to be able to say 'husband' or 'wife'. To know that they are wearing that ring on their finger to show the world that they love you and have committed to you for a lifetime is wonderful.

Yes, divorce rates are high, but there are many reasons for that.

I'm just saying, if you want it that much, you need to express to him how much you want it, or it will become a sticking point down the track.

Good luck to you, and I hope it all turns out for the best.

Hi, thanks for your reply!

I have showed him and told him how much I want it, but he seems "stuck" I dunno... and yeah I want to get married for the exact reasons you described here: "
It was a party to celebrate our love for each other. It was awesome. And being married is awesome when you have the right person. It's a lovely feeling to be able to say 'husband' or 'wife'. To know that they are wearing that ring on their finger to show the world that they love you and have committed to you for a lifetime is wonderful."

I just have to hope he'll change his mind eventually, cos I love him lots and what we have is wonderful, so leaving him isnt an option... at least for now anyway

SPEEDY MCCREADY

My advice?

Do not take any advice from anyone on this board....

Carry on...

dimitrispearljam

SPEEDY MCCREADY wrote:

My advice?

Do not take any advice from anyone on this board....

Carry on...

not even this advice..hhehehhehehehehehehehehehe
Hi SPEEDY...

MissJam81

SPEEDY MCCREADY wrote:

My advice?

Do not take any advice from anyone on this board....

Carry on...

thank you