women and marriage...

MissJam81

Im here for some advice! Ive been with my partner for 6 years, and dreamt of a gorgeous wedding and getting marriage from the age of 14....Im now 31, have met the man I want to marry.... except he doesnt believe in marriage, due to his traumatic childhood watching his parents argue for years.... we talked and I told him Im fine with just being boyfriend and girlfriend.... but Im not really, therefore Ive been very frustrated for the past few months.... any advice on how to get over that?? why do we ladies, give so much s***t about marriage and weddings??? thanks in advance

Mikee J

Well, for a start you could tell him how you really feel. Why would he change his mind if he thinks you don't mind?


I'm married and would highly recommend it.... its not just a laydeez thing

ZiggyStar

MissJam81 wrote:

Im here for some advice! Ive been with my partner for 6 years, and dreamt of a gorgeous wedding and getting marriage from the age of 14....Im now 31, have met the man I want to marry.... except he doesnt believe in marriage, due to his traumatic childhood watching his parents argue for years.... we talked and I told him Im fine with just being boyfriend and girlfriend.... but Im not really, therefore Ive been very frustrated for the past few months.... any advice on how to get over that?? why do we ladies, give so much s***t about marriage and weddings??? thanks in advance

I don't mind the idea of marriage.....but hate weddings.....which is why after 13.5 years together we are still not married. We don't want a wedding....and even a very small thing still takes a lot of planning. We'll probably do it one day and include our babies in the day.....and only our parents will be there.....if either of us could be fucked organising it.

Would being married really make any difference to how you two are now? Or are you more disappointed with not having the big spectacle and hoopla of the wedding?

dimitrispearljam

i understand the situation....isnt easy for both of you..
and you with your dream..and he with his ideas..and issues...

i ll tell you my opinion...cos i understand your boyfriend maybe better than others....

first,you dont let go your dreams..never..fight for them,work for them....you want something,you need to go for it..

and as for your man..is really up to you again...you are the one can make him feel secure and trust that your story has nothing to do with his past and his parents..its on your hands to make him feel the level of trust and safe to make your dream,his dream as well....

Jamminonthe1

You probably should tell him instead of bottling it up, but you have to be prepared for the consequences if he remains adamant against getting married. But you also can't take any of this personally. Wish you happiness however things turn out.

your move now

Can I just ask why you want to get married? Have always felt that unless you are religious then it is just a piece of paper.... not judging more curious than anything else

Mikee J

Marriage is the ultimate commitment. It's the way you commit to your partner in law and in a spiritual way whether it be religious or not. Its a way of standing up and saying "I've found my life partner and I want to make the union official, binding and forever".

Marriage is much more than religion, its a two way agreement that a couple will support eachother, love eachother and share eachothers lives for eternity.

I have been married for nearly 6 years. Its a beautiful thing and very different from being unmarried. I wasn't married in a church and see no reason why it should be seen as a purely religious thing. Marriage is a spiritual thing. I'm not in the slightest religious but I do recognise the history of marriage and its religious roots but this is 2012 and marriage has come along way since the days of being married in the eyes of god.

Its also a great excuse for the party of the century.

pandora

MissJam81 wrote:

Im here for some advice! Ive been with my partner for 6 years, and dreamt of a gorgeous wedding and getting marriage from the age of 14....Im now 31, have met the man I want to marry.... except he doesnt believe in marriage, due to his traumatic childhood watching his parents argue for years.... we talked and I told him Im fine with just being boyfriend and girlfriend.... but Im not really, therefore Ive been very frustrated for the past few months.... any advice on how to get over that?? why do we ladies, give so much s***t about marriage and weddings??? thanks in advance

Fear is holding your man back ... people argue married or not.
I wonder then, if it ended in divorce, his parents?
We are destined to behave like our parents unless we consciously work through it
and fight against the negative influences.

Marriage is the ultimate commitment, the finality, the prize.
It is romance, lifelong love, a vow that no matter what you will work
through all trials and not walk away.
Who wouldn't want this in life?
I had the dinkiest wedding but serviced many weddings as a floral designer
in a previous life so I see why you want your day. I'm sure he does too.
I also understand why you want marriage, I think he does too.

As the years go by, you may want it even more and your relationship could suffer.
Perhaps you both should see a counselor so he can work through his fear.
It would probably do him good in many regards in his life and in his relationships
with his parents and siblings if he has any.
It seems he has some unsettled issues holding him back.

Good luck to you both ... I wish for you a lifetime of love and happiness.

your move now

I get the party thing but really what does the world matter... surely it's between the 2 of you ?
I don't understand how two people who have complete trust and faith in each other and in their relationship need any sort of social acceptance and/or confirmation. I jut feel regardless of the divorce rate that a ceremony is unnecassary in order to confirm a committment

eddiec

your move now wrote:

I get the party thing but really what does the world matter... surely it's between the 2 of you ?
I don't understand how two people who have complete trust and faith in each other and in their relationship need any sort of social acceptance and/or confirmation. I jut feel regardless of the divorce rate that a ceremony is unnecassary in order to confirm a committment

Isn't that kind of like saying 'why do people celebrate birthdays'? You know what day you were born, you know what age you are turning, so why do you need to invite people to celebrate it with you?

If people can have a huge party when they turn 21, certaintly people can have a celebration when they get married.

your move now

yes okay... but I don'tobject to having a party - I object to what is an allegedly spiritual celebration needing to be a legal document

pandora

Marriage isn't for everyone but when it is for one in the relationship and not the other ..
here lies the problem.

Marriage, like any relationship, is what you make it, is what you bring to it
and it is all about commitment ... why so many fail.
It takes two to be committed with or without a celebration or legal document.

Religion, spirituality or God had nothing to do with our marriage 31 years ago.
We just wanted to spend our lives together, make that commitment
and proclaim it to the world!
But now ... I thank God everyday for my JB ... till death do us part...

ZiggyStar

So according to a couple of people above, after 13+ years my bf and I still haven't made the ultimate commitment? Bullshit! I find it sad that people need marriage to feel that they've fully committed, need it to vow to be there for each forever etc. I made that commitment well over a decade ago without a wedding to make it "an official union".

I'm not against marriage. I'm against people thinking that unmarried people aren't as committed as married people....when the only real difference is a piece of paper.

Mikee J

your move now wrote:

I get the party thing but really what does the world matter... surely it's between the 2 of you ?
I don't understand how two people who have complete trust and faith in each other and in their relationship need any sort of social acceptance and/or confirmation. I jut feel regardless of the divorce rate that a ceremony is unnecassary in order to confirm a committment

This is exactly how my wife felt before she met me

ZiggyStar

your move now wrote:

I don't understand how two people who have complete trust and faith in each other and in their relationship need any sort of social acceptance and/or confirmation. I jut feel regardless of the divorce rate that a ceremony is unnecassary in order to confirm a committment

I agree. Totally unnecessary.

Mikee J

ZiggyStar wrote:

So according to a couple of people above, after 13+ years my bf and I still haven't made the ultimate commitment? Bullshit! I find it sad that people need marriage to feel that they've fully committed, need it to vow to be there for each forever etc. I made that commitment well over a decade ago without a wedding to make it "an official union".

I'm not against marriage. I'm against people thinking that unmarried people aren't as committed as married people....when the only real difference is a piece of paper.

Who said that?! No one, that's your interpretation. I was saying what my perception of marriage is and why its important to me. I was not commenting on you. I find your post quite offensive to be honest. You say your are not against marriage but you clearly have no respect for the idea of it.

I find it sad that you feel the need to belittle marriage when I would do nothing other than wish you the best in your own relationship married or not.

Its a personal thing, the OP clearly sees it as an important thing too.

your move now

okay, but what everyone who is o concerned about marriage has failed to explain is how/why it improves a relatioonship. Why if you aren't religiou (in which case I make an exemption) and how does it make a difference over what (for example) ziggy and her bf have?

pandora

ZiggyStar wrote:

So according to a couple of people above, after 13+ years my bf and I still haven't made the ultimate commitment? Bullshit! I find it sad that people need marriage to feel that they've fully committed, need it to vow to be there for each forever etc. I made that commitment well over a decade ago without a wedding to make it "an official union".

I'm not against marriage. I'm against people thinking that unmarried people aren't as committed as married people....when the only real difference is a piece of paper.

Perhaps you should reread the couple of people Ziggy, you totally misunderstand ...

I mentioned it takes two in a commitment married or otherwise and that marriage isn't
for everyone but for you and your partner both of you don't want marriage.
This is not the case for the OP. That is an important factor.

pandora

your move now wrote:

okay, but what everyone who is o concerned about marriage has failed to explain is how/why it improves a relatioonship. Why if you aren't religiou (in which case I make an exemption) and how does it make a difference over what (for example) ziggy and her bf have?

Again, it is when one person in a couple that wants marriage that it becomes an issue...
this the discusson
perhaps you and Ziggy could visualize that in your own relationships ...
say your men are not happy without marriage... what would you do leave them?
or would you marry them?

this is not marriage vs non marriage discussion

it is about making a relationship work as a lifetime love...
for some that is marriage

ZiggyStar

Mikee J wrote:

Who said that?! No one, that's your interpretation. I was saying what my perception of marriage is and why its important to me. I was not commenting on you. I find your post quite offensive to be honest. You say your are not against marriage but you clearly have no respect for the idea of it.

I find it sad that you feel the need to belittle marriage when I would do nothing other than wish you the best in your own relationship married or not.

Its a personal thing, the OP clearly sees it as an important thing too.

Ahhh....you said:

Mikee J wrote:

Marriage is the ultimate commitment.

Sooo wouldn't that mean that unmarried people haven't made the ultimate commitment?? It's almost as if you're saying "it's the next level of commitment".

I'm not belittling marriage....I'm saying it's no different to a long term committed relationship. No different whatsoever. And I have respect for it....just as I have respect for all the people who aren't married but in loving relationships who have also made the "ultimate commitment" of dedicating their lives to each other....piece of paper or not.

And if you find that post offensive, you need to toughen up.

Mikee J

your move now wrote:

okay, but what everyone who is o concerned about marriage has failed to explain is how/why it improves a relatioonship. Why if you aren't religiou (in which case I make an exemption) and how does it make a difference over what (for example) ziggy and her bf have?

When I married my wife, we became husband and wife. We love that idea and are proud to call eachother by those terms. It makes us feel stronger and secure. It makes me feel happy. She tells me she walks down the street and smiles on the inside when she thinks about being a Mrs. Its romantic to us. Its important to us. Its a vital part of the fabric of our relationship and a big stepping stone to our tarting a family (first child 4 months ago). I think we are both quite traditional people and this is a tradition we both agree with and enjoy.

There was nothing wrong with our relationship before. I tend not to think marriage is a good idea if you are not already in a good place with someone.

I have no idea how this compares to anyone elses relationship and I don't profess that marriage will improve a relationship, but it certainly changes it, and it my case in a very positive way.

I think that's an important point. In my view, people don't get married to improve things. I got married because I wanted to stand on top of the world and scream "I love you and I will be with you forever!" I wanted to do this infront of my friends and family and I did. I love the fact its "official" and the "piece of paper" people talk so negatively about is in fact a beautiful document that we treasure.