women and marriage...
MissJam81
Posts: 1,878
Im here for some advice! Ive been with my partner for 6 years, and dreamt of a gorgeous wedding and getting marriage from the age of 14....Im now 31, have met the man I want to marry.... except he doesnt believe in marriage, due to his traumatic childhood watching his parents argue for years.... we talked and I told him Im fine with just being boyfriend and girlfriend.... but Im not really, therefore Ive been very frustrated for the past few months.... any advice on how to get over that?? why do we ladies, give so much s***t about marriage and weddings??? thanks in advance
Wendy Testaburger
" we're going to take this to some level that people aren't going to forget... and if that means risking your life, we're going to do it!..." EV
"
" we're going to take this to some level that people aren't going to forget... and if that means risking your life, we're going to do it!..." EV
"
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I'm married and would highly recommend it.... its not just a laydeez thing
I don't mind the idea of marriage.....but hate weddings.....which is why after 13.5 years together we are still not married. We don't want a wedding....and even a very small thing still takes a lot of planning. We'll probably do it one day and include our babies in the day.....and only our parents will be there.....if either of us could be fucked organising it.
Would being married really make any difference to how you two are now? Or are you more disappointed with not having the big spectacle and hoopla of the wedding?
★ 2009 - Sydney, Brisbane, Auckland, Christchurch ★
★ 2011 - EV Newcastle, Melbourne 1, Melbourne 2 ★
and you with your dream..and he with his ideas..and issues...
i ll tell you my opinion...cos i understand your boyfriend maybe better than others....
first,you dont let go your dreams..never..fight for them,work for them....you want something,you need to go for it..
and as for your man..is really up to you again...you are the one can make him feel secure and trust that your story has nothing to do with his past and his parents..its on your hands to make him feel the level of trust and safe to make your dream,his dream as well....
"..That's One Happy Fuckin Ghost.."
“..That came up on the Pillow Case...This is for the Greek, With Our Apologies.....”
Marriage is much more than religion, its a two way agreement that a couple will support eachother, love eachother and share eachothers lives for eternity.
I have been married for nearly 6 years. Its a beautiful thing and very different from being unmarried. I wasn't married in a church and see no reason why it should be seen as a purely religious thing. Marriage is a spiritual thing. I'm not in the slightest religious but I do recognise the history of marriage and its religious roots but this is 2012 and marriage has come along way since the days of being married in the eyes of god.
Its also a great excuse for the party of the century.
I wonder then, if it ended in divorce, his parents?
We are destined to behave like our parents unless we consciously work through it
and fight against the negative influences.
Marriage is the ultimate commitment, the finality, the prize.
It is romance, lifelong love, a vow that no matter what you will work
through all trials and not walk away.
Who wouldn't want this in life?
I had the dinkiest wedding but serviced many weddings as a floral designer
in a previous life
I also understand why you want marriage, I think he does too.
As the years go by, you may want it even more and your relationship could suffer.
Perhaps you both should see a counselor so he can work through his fear.
It would probably do him good in many regards in his life and in his relationships
with his parents and siblings if he has any.
It seems he has some unsettled issues holding him back.
Good luck to you both ... I wish for you a lifetime of love and happiness.
I don't understand how two people who have complete trust and faith in each other and in their relationship need any sort of social acceptance and/or confirmation. I jut feel regardless of the divorce rate that a ceremony is unnecassary in order to confirm a committment
Isn't that kind of like saying 'why do people celebrate birthdays'? You know what day you were born, you know what age you are turning, so why do you need to invite people to celebrate it with you?
If people can have a huge party when they turn 21, certaintly people can have a celebration when they get married.
here lies the problem.
Marriage, like any relationship, is what you make it, is what you bring to it
and it is all about commitment ... why so many fail.
It takes two to be committed with or without a celebration or legal document.
Religion, spirituality or God had nothing to do with our marriage 31 years ago.
We just wanted to spend our lives together, make that commitment
and proclaim it to the world!
But now ... I thank God everyday for my JB ... till death do us part...
I'm not against marriage. I'm against people thinking that unmarried people aren't as committed as married people....when the only real difference is a piece of paper.
★ 2009 - Sydney, Brisbane, Auckland, Christchurch ★
★ 2011 - EV Newcastle, Melbourne 1, Melbourne 2 ★
This is exactly how my wife felt before she met me
I agree. Totally unnecessary.
★ 2009 - Sydney, Brisbane, Auckland, Christchurch ★
★ 2011 - EV Newcastle, Melbourne 1, Melbourne 2 ★
Who said that?! No one, that's your interpretation. I was saying what my perception of marriage is and why its important to me. I was not commenting on you. I find your post quite offensive to be honest. You say your are not against marriage but you clearly have no respect for the idea of it.
I find it sad that you feel the need to belittle marriage when I would do nothing other than wish you the best in your own relationship married or not.
Its a personal thing, the OP clearly sees it as an important thing too.
I mentioned it takes two in a commitment married or otherwise and that marriage isn't
for everyone but for you and your partner both of you don't want marriage.
This is not the case for the OP. That is an important factor.
this the discusson
perhaps you and Ziggy could visualize that in your own relationships ...
say your men are not happy without marriage... what would you do leave them?
or would you marry them?
this is not marriage vs non marriage discussion
it is about making a relationship work as a lifetime love...
for some that is marriage
Ahhh....you said:
Sooo wouldn't that mean that unmarried people haven't made the ultimate commitment?? It's almost as if you're saying "it's the next level of commitment".
I'm not belittling marriage....I'm saying it's no different to a long term committed relationship. No different whatsoever. And I have respect for it....just as I have respect for all the people who aren't married but in loving relationships who have also made the "ultimate commitment" of dedicating their lives to each other....piece of paper or not.
And if you find that post offensive, you need to toughen up.
★ 2009 - Sydney, Brisbane, Auckland, Christchurch ★
★ 2011 - EV Newcastle, Melbourne 1, Melbourne 2 ★
When I married my wife, we became husband and wife. We love that idea and are proud to call eachother by those terms. It makes us feel stronger and secure. It makes me feel happy. She tells me she walks down the street and smiles on the inside when she thinks about being a Mrs. Its romantic to us. Its important to us. Its a vital part of the fabric of our relationship and a big stepping stone to our tarting a family (first child 4 months ago). I think we are both quite traditional people and this is a tradition we both agree with and enjoy.
There was nothing wrong with our relationship before. I tend not to think marriage is a good idea if you are not already in a good place with someone.
I have no idea how this compares to anyone elses relationship and I don't profess that marriage will improve a relationship, but it certainly changes it, and it my case in a very positive way.
I think that's an important point. In my view, people don't get married to improve things. I got married because I wanted to stand on top of the world and scream "I love you and I will be with you forever!" I wanted to do this infront of my friends and family and I did. I love the fact its "official" and the "piece of paper" people talk so negatively about is in fact a beautiful document that we treasure.
Yep, I reread it and you said:
Both you and Mikee said "ultimate commitment"....and this is what I am discussing with you both.
I never said we don't want marriage....If you reread my very first post I said we'll probably do it one day once we finish having kids so they can be involved.
★ 2009 - Sydney, Brisbane, Auckland, Christchurch ★
★ 2011 - EV Newcastle, Melbourne 1, Melbourne 2 ★
If someone needed marriage from me I'd need much more of a reason than that
Thanks for the advice I'll remember that next time I read something offensive. Really helpful.
It sounds to me like you are a bit intimidated my marriage. You can suggest what you like about my definition of commitment. Its clearly not what you believe and that's fine. To me its the ultimate commitment. If its not for you then that's fine too. There doesn't have to be a secondary meaning which suggests a negative connotation towards not being married.
so I understand but for the OP it is the ultimate commitment ...
she wants to get married and what is disturbing to me I feel almost like
she is apologizing for a natural want. There is nothing wrong with wanting marriage
and a wedding day.
It seems to me that you see the marriage as making your relationship superior and that is what i have an issue with.
Pandora... all I want from the OP is a reason she wants it, I don't have a problem with her wanting it just wish I could understand the why
it is about making a relationship work as a lifetime love...
for some that is marriage
would this someone wanting to be married be enough of a reason?
I get the feeling I could harp on about it all day and you still wouldn't understand. I certainly don't consider marriage as superior to any other kind of relationship, I don't understand how you could ignore all the other things written and still suggest that. My family is littered with broken marriages and broken non marriages. Each marriage is individual as is a non married relationship, I don't think you can really say that one f better than the other when they are completely different. There are many bad marriages which would make not being married look superior and vice versa. I could keep telling you how amazing my marriage is but you don't seem to want to hear it....
I think if the OP told you her reasons you would bat them down as ridiculous.
For me its the ultimate commitment, and I am proud I made it. If that gets your goat then there is not much I can do about it.
it seems your choices are simple but not easy ... you should tell him how you feel about it and he can voice his feelings ... ultimately, you both will have to decide whether your belief system is more important than each other ... if so ... compromise ... if not ... move on ...
but might i suggest a compromise - they are cool and hip these days ...
Careful not to have any pieces of paper laying around though!