In 2008 I spent the worst year of my life, sick as ever, no solutions from the doctors, addicted to opiate pain killers, losing weight unable to even enjoy time with my infant girl. Depression, desperation and hopelessness hung over me like a fog. I hated it. The road to recovery was long and hard but when it came, all the pain shrunk into insignificance.
Your journey is so much longer than mine and because you are caring for your wife, your story gives me insight to what my wife and parents went through as they watched their athletic and strong son waste away. But understand this sadness is natural and nothing to be ashamed of or guilty for.
Take time to tend to yourself, recover and keep fighting the good fight. Your season may be long, but when you hold that premiership cup high over your head, the spoils of victory will be yours.
Paul,
Thank you..It is sure nice hearing someone speak from there heart. I'm glad you have made it through what seems to be quite possibly the worst time of your life. I feel for you brother. I used to love life..I used to look for the goodness in others. At this time it is just so damn dark. People just don't seem to know why I haven't been able to just pull out of it and get back on track.
Well with Shawna still down..more months of recovery...continual financial issues..desertion of life long friends who I guess just didn't know what to do anymore....I feel like a complete failure. THIS IS NOT ME.
I've got a big heart and care so much for people, family, music and humanity.
The In-laws have been being very hurtful to Shawna and myself. Shawna and I were running a few minutes late a few days ago. Shawna was helping me tie back my long hair and her mom, "the boys grandma" called me a faggot to my 11 year old and then Grandpa called me a Jackass to them amongst other things.Our kids told us about this after they were dropped off and the grandparents left. Normally I would of blew that crap off but the Easter celebration with extended family has been ruined. Shawna wants nothing to do with them. We're doing our own thing with our family. Shawna, myself and the kids but I am feeling broken. I can't seem to stop crying. Sometimes I question life and whether I can ever come out of this deep pain that I am feeling.
No worries the kids are okay I won't let them see me weak. I just wish I could of done it all. You know saved Shawna's life and kept our business afloat. We've got advertisements in the yellow pages that came out this month so we're keeping our fingers crossed. I'm ready to work. I'm not a screw up you guys I am just an emotional wreck and it's been like this for a long time now. It seems we made it through the worst but at the same time in a way I feel like we're still going through the worst just in a different way now. Life was supposed to be better for us. If you knew me and Shawna then you would know what genuinely good people we really are. We're honest, loyal, loving people who at one time would of and did do just about anything for the one's we cared/care for.
I feel bad that we can't celebrate life at this point and have you and everybody else be enlightened by how life can bottom out and then be fulfilled with happiness and so forth. Please keep me and my family in your thoughts for I am so worried that we will not be able to come out of this any time soon. That's what is the most gut wrenching feeling at the moment.
Been a while since I've seen a post from you John. So very sorry to hear you're still in a very dark place. I wish very deeply that there was something that we could all do for you. Wishing you and the family a happy Easter spent together with LOVE.
All my very best,
Jamie
Been a while since I've seen a post from you John. So very sorry to hear you're still in a very dark place. I wish very deeply that there was something that we could all do for you. Wishing you and the family a happy Easter spent together with LOVE.
All my very best,
Jamie
"...Dimitri...He talks to me...'.."The Ghost of Greece..".
"..That's One Happy Fuckin Ghost.."
“..That came up on the Pillow Case...This is for the Greek, With Our Apologies.....”
We hold the hand that holds us down...We rise and we fell...
What else can explain where life has ended up. Eddie says "All we need is love..love..love"
Better said than done. To be successful and than to have it all taken away in a heart beat. It's hard to understand..Even for those who have gone through it. It's not that we don't want to live again it's that we can't find the love in life to help us rise above these years of pain and suffering.
Weakness is not our acquired taste. Sadness is not our American dream. Fear of what's out there is hardly the beginning thought when you feel like your at the end of a road that is apparently endless.
Church could be good for the soul...At least in the beginning the support chain was genuine. Does one know how it feels to be deserted towards the end when the love and fellowship is so desperately needed.
Once when there was a time when you had not enough time to keep up with the friendships to have resorted to a few leftover users who only call upon you for there personal needs.
Family....Family....Busy, troubled by life's own turmoils. A wishlist for far better times which in reality are what seems to be memories of a distant time. If they were only there to begin with would all of this be different.
Music..slowly fading as each day grows darker. PEARL JAM...Our savior band that saved us time after time. Year after year. Why is it not working anymore. What happened to the light...
A house once full of life. As these years 1,2,3,4,5, going on six goes by it seems to have become our prison. Believe me when I say we want out. Free from all of this sadness. Free from the routine of nothingness.
Finally, a sunrise full of hope, encouragement and drive but the sinking feeling that it might be to late. I wish we didn't feel so deserted and stuck in this fog of hopelessness. Unfortunately, it's what felt each and every day.
I know I have let you down..myself and others but nobody understands our struggle. The need for support is greater than you can even know. Our crossroads have arrived. We have only come here for love and I miss it and all of what it once was. Depression is our keeper now and we just want to break free.
For those who have wondered if alcohol or other substances have been our downfall. You are wrong the longing for love is our intoxication. I don't know how life has gotten this screwed up. We had you all...I think that the constant fight for survival (Over five years long) has finally taken it's toll. We need you people. WE need your support again. Please come back to us. For we have lost our way and could use the advice of the one's we so cherish, love and respect.
You are our light now..Do what you want with it..
Just please, please don't fail us now.
Is there a helpline you can call as i feel hearing a supportive voice on the other end of the line may help with the darkness that surrounds you? I know its of cold comfort but the greatest challenges are often given to the ones that are the strongest. Every day you have risen and faced the day, that my friend is the biggest achievement. Sending you much love & positive energy xo
1995 • 2006 • 2009 • Adelaide
2007 • Wembley - London
2009 • Melbourne
2010 • Madison Square Garden
0
Options
F Me In The Brain
this knows everybody from other commets Posts: 30,652
fuckshitballs. I am sorry John, I was away from the day prior to your 'return' post until Sunday and only checked the board briefly and did not see that you had posted. I do truly apologize for having not seen this sooner and touched base -- you should know that you are in our thoughts constantly and that we very much care about you, Shawna & the kids (and little PJ) and want to hear how you are doing. Please let me know how I can help, I want to continue to offer support in any way that I can.
Best Wishes for a better day,
Brett & Malissa
"...Dimitri...He talks to me...'.."The Ghost of Greece..".
"..That's One Happy Fuckin Ghost.."
“..That came up on the Pillow Case...This is for the Greek, With Our Apologies.....”
It sounds like desperate times for you and Shawna and especially your boys.
I think I can speak for everyone who has been following your families plight, that it's really hard to hear you talk this way. :(
I haven't been able to spend much time on here lately but I'm always on the lookout for an update. I really was hoping no news is good news.
I hope you have considered medication and professional help to help pull you out of the dark. One thing for sure, it sounds like you guys should steer clear of your family. That seems counter intuitive but from what you've described they're dragging you down. I can't imagine what that's like, it must be awful! :evil:
You will always find love and suport on this board and you need to lean on it as much as possible. There will be better days ahead, I'm sure of it. It doesn't seem like that now but if you stay focused on your boys and believe you are doing everything you know how to keep it together, eventually life will turn around. Seize on any small kernel of good or happiness you find each day and try to build on it while shutting out the rest.
All of this is easier said than done but please know that this is a soft place to fall and we all want what's best for you.
Well a lot has changed since I was on here last. First, I'm thankful that I have a place where I can come whether it's through the good times or through the bad. It feels good that either way I/we are not judged and still kept in a good light. It's the support that keeps me going....Yes, things got pretty dark here for a bit but it had too in order for us to figure out a way to get back on track. Out of this mess that life had unintentionally created. A HUGE break from family was needed. I may be wrong but I feel that in some way or another everybody is broken somehow. When the times get tough people can only handle it as best they can. Life provides the tools but without the training it's hard to adapt and work through all of what life throws at you. Family always means well but they are only human as well and all of us make mistakes. In the end the love is still there no matter what and sometimes breaks are needed for it to all come together.
It is really important for me that you know that our kids have not been a part of this darkness. With trips to the park 2-3 times a week, shooting cans with there pellet guns, trampoline time, video games, movies, sleep overs they are very content and with the big smiles on their faces you couldn't tell that anything negative has been going on over here for quite some time.
Now for some GOOD news..I have been hired by a company called Safe Guard to be a home inspector. Which entails taking pictures of homes and properties inside and out for the banks and insurance companies. The best part of it all is Shawna is able to ride along with me each and every day. We are so excited about this. We desperately needed to get out of this house and damn it feels so good. It's only around 15 hours a week for the beginning period but if the stars align right it could turn into a full time job. Plus with our recent advertisements in the phone book for the landscaping business. Life may finally start to come together for us.This is just what we have needed. The busier the better so please send your good vibes, prayers and support our way for this is a very big deal to us and your support would help a lot. A chance to salvage our lives and to save our home from foreclosure.
You all mean so much to us. So I'm sorry for not clarifying on a few of these issues and ask for your forgiveness with that. Thank you for your continued support and please, please send us your good vibes etc.
We hope you all have a great rest of your week and we'll be updating soon.
Well a lot has changed since I was on here last. First, I'm thankful that I have a place where I can come whether it's through the good times or through the bad. It feels good that either way I/we are not judged and still kept in a good light. It's the support that keeps me going....Yes, things got pretty dark here for a bit but it had too in order for us to figure out a way to get back on track. Out of this mess that life had unintentionally created. A HUGE break from family was needed. I may be wrong but I feel that in some way or another everybody is broken somehow. When the times get tough people can only handle it as best they can. Life provides the tools but without the training it's hard to adapt and work through all of what life throws at you. Family always means well but they are only human as well and all of us make mistakes. In the end the love is still there no matter what and sometimes breaks are needed for it to all come together.
It is really important for me that you know that our kids have not been a part of this darkness. With trips to the park 2-3 times a week, shooting cans with there pellet guns, trampoline time, video games, movies, sleep overs they are very content and with the big smiles on their faces you couldn't tell that anything negative has been going on over here for quite some time.
Now for some GOOD news..I have been hired by a company called Safe Guard to be a home inspector. Which entails taking pictures of homes and properties inside and out for the banks and insurance companies. The best part of it all is Shawna is able to ride along with me each and every day. We are so excited about this. We desperately needed to get out of this house and damn it feels so good. It's only around 15 hours a week for the beginning period but if the stars align right it could turn into a full time job. Plus with our recent advertisements in the phone book for the landscaping business. Life may finally start to come together for us.This is just what we have needed. The busier the better so please send your good vibes, prayers and support our way for this is a very big deal to us and your support would help a lot. A chance to salvage our lives and to save our home from foreclosure.
You all mean so much to us. So I'm sorry for not clarifying on a few of these issues and ask for your forgiveness with that. Thank you for your continued support and please, please send us your good vibes etc.
We hope you all have a great rest of your week and we'll be updating soon.
John , Shawna , Kolbi , Dorian and PJ :P
John,
This is great news!!
I haven't been able to get you guys out of my mind since reading your past posts.
I'm glad you clarified the boys situation. Their happiness is the most important thing and it sounds like Shawna and you have been able to shelter them while letting them live a happy kid life.
How awesome is this new job for you and the family!?!
I couldn't be more excited for you!
Your faith has paid off and you deserve all the good things that come your way.
XO K.
0
Options
F Me In The Brain
this knows everybody from other commets Posts: 30,652
Great update John!!
This is hopefully the first step down a great path for 2013!
FINALLY!!! Your family deserves good things :-) Good to know the kids have been shielded. Best thing you could do.
Crossing fingers the Safeguard becomes permanent. Sounds perfect :-)
Shannon
Shine The Light on Your Family ( not a PJ reference, Simple Minds Glittering Prize)
yeah, familes fall apart, know that one very very well, you just find a new way to keep the absolute contacts you need to keep your family you made together... together! :-)
our future is paved with better days
EV Austin Nov 9 &11 2012
EPIC Wrigley 7/19/2013 who could ever forget that date :-) my first PJ
Dallas 11/15/2013
OKC 11/16/2013
Seattle 2 hopefully?!
Thank you everybody for the support. Again, The kids have always been okay..
If you knew us personally then it wouldn't be a topic. On the other hand PJ is the one
you all should be concerned about. He seems to have a slipper fetish and Shawna's
about ready to feed him to the coyotes. Just kidding..
We hope you all have a great rest of your week. Thank you again for your concern.
We are definitely riding along the high road and we are starting to come out of this funk.
Thank you everybody for the support. Again, The kids have always been okay..
If you knew us personally then it wouldn't be a topic. On the other hand PJ is the one
you all should be concerned about. He seems to have a slipper fetish and Shawna's
about ready to feed him to the coyotes. Just kidding..
We hope you all have a great rest of your week. Thank you again for your concern.
We are definitely riding along the high road and we are starting to come out of this funk.
Take care of yourselves,
John and Shawna
So pleased things are taking a turn around the corner
2009 - Manchester. 2010 - Dublin, Belfast, London, Berlin, Arras, Werchter. 2011 - PJ20 i & ii, Montreal, Toronto i & ii, Ottawa, Hamilton. 2012 - Manchester i & ii, Berlin i & ii, Stockholm. 2014 - Amsterdam i & ii, Trieste, Vienna, Berlin, Leeds, Milton Keynes. 2016 - Boston Fenway i & ii, 2018 - Amsterdam i & ii, Pinkpop, London i & ii, Padova, Krakow, Barcelona, Seattle i & ii.
0
Options
F Me In The Brain
this knows everybody from other commets Posts: 30,652
Thank you everybody for the support. Again, The kids have always been okay..
If you knew us personally then it wouldn't be a topic. On the other hand PJ is the one
you all should be concerned about. He seems to have a slipper fetish and Shawna's
about ready to feed him to the coyotes. Just kidding..
We hope you all have a great rest of your week. Thank you again for your concern.
We are definitely riding along the high road and we are starting to come out of this funk.
Take care of yourselves,
John and Shawna
Feed PJ to the coyotes!?!
Gave me a good laugh. I would rather he chew on my shoes than pee on them.
Thank you everybody for the support. Again, The kids have always been okay..
If you knew us personally then it wouldn't be a topic. On the other hand PJ is the one
you all should be concerned about. He seems to have a slipper fetish and Shawna's
about ready to feed him to the coyotes. Just kidding..
We hope you all have a great rest of your week. Thank you again for your concern.
We are definitely riding along the high road and we are starting to come out of this funk.
Take care of yourselves,
John and Shawna
Feed PJ to the coyotes!?!
Gave me a good laugh. I would rather he chew on my shoes than pee on them.
Matter of opinion buddy Shall we take a poll?
PJ's favorite song is River of deceit. (After the news paper swishes his butt). You can honestly hear him sing "My pain is self chosen..Yeah"
Best wishes for the best of day's you guy's...How I chose to feel.. Is how I am..I won't lose my faith it's an inside job today.
"...Dimitri...He talks to me...'.."The Ghost of Greece..".
"..That's One Happy Fuckin Ghost.."
“..That came up on the Pillow Case...This is for the Greek, With Our Apologies.....”
Been awhile since I was here & had some catching up to do. You all have been in my thoughts often.
On December 22, 2012 at 5:25 am the phone rang and everything changed. It was my first day off & I was exhausted so when the phone rang I thought I was dreaming. I was not.
My daughter was on the phone & whispering "Mom? Mom?" With my heart thundering in my ears she proceeded to tell me her fiance had beat her up & kept her hostage in the bathroom for hours. And he had a knife.
For a second, my brain, my heart & soul could not comprehend this. The connection broke.
The next few moments were a blur & I will always thank the universe that my husband was outside with the dog & hadn't left for work yet. We were on our way in seconds, my phone in hand dialing 911. Then silence as all we could do was race towards their house 25 minutes away.
No answer from my daughter & for the next ten minutes as we drove in complete silence through the murky early morning darkness I feared my life was snuffed out. Surely I would feel it, my only child gone? I felt my heart would burst it was thumping so hard or was it my husbands' heart thumping so?
And then, a text asking me to call her. I did & she pretended it was me calling about my Gram to throw him off the scent. As we sped closer I heard it play out on the phone. The arrival of the police, her cries, me telling her to open the door, the scuffle....we pulled up & she was alive. That was all that mattered at that moment.
Her & their two little ones were alive & in disbelief I looked on as a person I watched grow up & hoped to become the man I thought he could be was lead away in cuffs. Life became different for awhile.
Well, that was kind of cathartic. I haven't even told my close friends this but I feel I can here, it will stay here. And I haven't really ever wrote it down or spoke of it in such depth. We've been too busy getting her & the kids settled. Everything involved has been overwhelming, financially, physically, emotionally. We were planning a wedding & then......
Love gets you through & builds strength just when you think you are spent. You shake your fist at the unfairness of it & then you carry on. Hanging on by your fingertips, feeling like letting go but you don't, you cannot. Why? Because people love you & you love them & your valid, important & have a pulsing need to enjoy the one life we are given. That's why.
Been awhile since I was here & had some catching up to do. You all have been in my thoughts often.
On December 22, 2012 at 5:25 am the phone rang and everything changed. It was my first day off & I was exhausted so when the phone rang I thought I was dreaming. I was not.
My daughter was on the phone & whispering "Mom? Mom?" With my heart thundering in my ears she proceeded to tell me her fiance had beat her up & kept her hostage in the bathroom for hours. And he had a knife.
For a second, my brain, my heart & soul could not comprehend this. The connection broke.
The next few moments were a blur & I will always thank the universe that my husband was outside with the dog & hadn't left for work yet. We were on our way in seconds, my phone in hand dialing 911. Then silence as all we could do was race towards their house 25 minutes away.
No answer from my daughter & for the next ten minutes as we drove in complete silence through the murky early morning darkness I feared my life was snuffed out. Surely I would feel it, my only child gone? I felt my heart would burst it was thumping so hard or was it my husbands' heart thumping so?
And then, a text asking me to call her. I did & she pretended it was me calling about my Gram to throw him off the scent. As we sped closer I heard it play out on the phone. The arrival of the police, her cries, me telling her to open the door, the scuffle....we pulled up & she was alive. That was all that mattered at that moment.
Her & their two little ones were alive & in disbelief I looked on as a person I watched grow up & hoped to become the man I thought he could be was lead away in cuffs. Life became different for awhile.
Well, that was kind of cathartic. I haven't even told my close friends this but I feel I can here, it will stay here. And I haven't really ever wrote it down or spoke of it in such depth. We've been too busy getting her & the kids settled. Everything involved has been overwhelming, financially, physically, emotionally. We were planning a wedding & then......
Love gets you through & builds strength just when you think you are spent. You shake your fist at the unfairness of it & then you carry on. Hanging on by your fingertips, feeling like letting go but you don't, you cannot. Why? Because people love you & you love them & your valid, important & have a pulsing need to enjoy the one life we are given. That's why.
Holy crap! Thank goodness your daughter is now safe. My prayers for her and you as you all move forward from this horrific incident. Better days are ahead, I promise.
Been awhile since I was here & had some catching up to do. You all have been in my thoughts often.
On December 22, 2012 at 5:25 am the phone rang and everything changed. It was my first day off & I was exhausted so when the phone rang I thought I was dreaming. I was not.
My daughter was on the phone & whispering "Mom? Mom?" With my heart thundering in my ears she proceeded to tell me her fiance had beat her up & kept her hostage in the bathroom for hours. And he had a knife.
For a second, my brain, my heart & soul could not comprehend this. The connection broke.
The next few moments were a blur & I will always thank the universe that my husband was outside with the dog & hadn't left for work yet. We were on our way in seconds, my phone in hand dialing 911. Then silence as all we could do was race towards their house 25 minutes away.
No answer from my daughter & for the next ten minutes as we drove in complete silence through the murky early morning darkness I feared my life was snuffed out. Surely I would feel it, my only child gone? I felt my heart would burst it was thumping so hard or was it my husbands' heart thumping so?
And then, a text asking me to call her. I did & she pretended it was me calling about my Gram to throw him off the scent. As we sped closer I heard it play out on the phone. The arrival of the police, her cries, me telling her to open the door, the scuffle....we pulled up & she was alive. That was all that mattered at that moment.
Her & their two little ones were alive & in disbelief I looked on as a person I watched grow up & hoped to become the man I thought he could be was lead away in cuffs. Life became different for awhile.
Well, that was kind of cathartic. I haven't even told my close friends this but I feel I can here, it will stay here. And I haven't really ever wrote it down or spoke of it in such depth. We've been too busy getting her & the kids settled. Everything involved has been overwhelming, financially, physically, emotionally. We were planning a wedding & then......
Love gets you through & builds strength just when you think you are spent. You shake your fist at the unfairness of it & then you carry on. Hanging on by your fingertips, feeling like letting go but you don't, you cannot. Why? Because people love you & you love them & your valid, important & have a pulsing need to enjoy the one life we are given. That's why.
That is an incredibly harrowing story.
Your daughter is so lucky to have been able to sneak the phone call and have you spring into action the way you did.
I can't imagine how terrified you and husband must have been, not to mention your daughter!
Thank goodness everyone is ok.
Thank you everybody for the support. Again, The kids have always been okay..
If you knew us personally then it wouldn't be a topic. On the other hand PJ is the one
you all should be concerned about. He seems to have a slipper fetish and Shawna's
about ready to feed him to the coyotes. Just kidding..
We hope you all have a great rest of your week. Thank you again for your concern.
We are definitely riding along the high road and we are starting to come out of this funk.
Take care of yourselves,
John and Shawna
The joy in your words shines through loud and clear.....
I'm so glad everything is going well and getting back on track.
Just in time for spring!
Holy crap! Thank goodness your daughter is now safe. My prayers for her and you as you all move forward from this horrific incident. Better days are ahead, I promise.
That is an incredibly harrowing story.
Your daughter is so lucky to have been able to sneak the phone call and have you spring into action the way you did.
I can't imagine how terrified you and husband must have been, not to mention your daughter!
Thank goodness everyone is ok.
This was so far outside of what I could ever have imagined. Surreal but we have an amazing family & the wagons circled. He has decided to plead not guilty so court is in our future but it's okay. We have moved on, accepted what we need to do & are forever grateful my girl & her boys are alive. Thank you very much, support from here can really go a very long way in the healing process.
In catching up here my heart sank & then relief that things have taken a better turn. Life can really smack you down but knowing people care takes one hell of a load off.
John & Shawna, you & your family were never far from my thoughts
It's good to see that your life seems to have taken a turn and that things seem to be shaping up! Best of luck in your new job and hope the landscaping adverts bring you some clients!
Well... except for PJ, that is.... No 'shaping up' for him, it would seem!
xx
"...Dimitri...He talks to me...'.."The Ghost of Greece..".
"..That's One Happy Fuckin Ghost.."
“..That came up on the Pillow Case...This is for the Greek, With Our Apologies.....”
Comments
Paul,
Thank you..It is sure nice hearing someone speak from there heart. I'm glad you have made it through what seems to be quite possibly the worst time of your life. I feel for you brother. I used to love life..I used to look for the goodness in others. At this time it is just so damn dark. People just don't seem to know why I haven't been able to just pull out of it and get back on track.
Well with Shawna still down..more months of recovery...continual financial issues..desertion of life long friends who I guess just didn't know what to do anymore....I feel like a complete failure. THIS IS NOT ME.
I've got a big heart and care so much for people, family, music and humanity.
The In-laws have been being very hurtful to Shawna and myself. Shawna and I were running a few minutes late a few days ago. Shawna was helping me tie back my long hair and her mom, "the boys grandma" called me a faggot to my 11 year old and then Grandpa called me a Jackass to them amongst other things.Our kids told us about this after they were dropped off and the grandparents left. Normally I would of blew that crap off but the Easter celebration with extended family has been ruined. Shawna wants nothing to do with them. We're doing our own thing with our family. Shawna, myself and the kids but I am feeling broken. I can't seem to stop crying. Sometimes I question life and whether I can ever come out of this deep pain that I am feeling.
No worries the kids are okay I won't let them see me weak. I just wish I could of done it all. You know saved Shawna's life and kept our business afloat. We've got advertisements in the yellow pages that came out this month so we're keeping our fingers crossed. I'm ready to work. I'm not a screw up you guys I am just an emotional wreck and it's been like this for a long time now. It seems we made it through the worst but at the same time in a way I feel like we're still going through the worst just in a different way now. Life was supposed to be better for us. If you knew me and Shawna then you would know what genuinely good people we really are. We're honest, loyal, loving people who at one time would of and did do just about anything for the one's we cared/care for.
I feel bad that we can't celebrate life at this point and have you and everybody else be enlightened by how life can bottom out and then be fulfilled with happiness and so forth. Please keep me and my family in your thoughts for I am so worried that we will not be able to come out of this any time soon. That's what is the most gut wrenching feeling at the moment.
We love you all guy's and Happy Easter
John
Thank you...It means a lot.
All my very best,
Jamie
pm sent
"..That's One Happy Fuckin Ghost.."
“..That came up on the Pillow Case...This is for the Greek, With Our Apologies.....”
What else can explain where life has ended up. Eddie says "All we need is love..love..love"
Better said than done. To be successful and than to have it all taken away in a heart beat. It's hard to understand..Even for those who have gone through it. It's not that we don't want to live again it's that we can't find the love in life to help us rise above these years of pain and suffering.
Weakness is not our acquired taste. Sadness is not our American dream. Fear of what's out there is hardly the beginning thought when you feel like your at the end of a road that is apparently endless.
Church could be good for the soul...At least in the beginning the support chain was genuine. Does one know how it feels to be deserted towards the end when the love and fellowship is so desperately needed.
Once when there was a time when you had not enough time to keep up with the friendships to have resorted to a few leftover users who only call upon you for there personal needs.
Family....Family....Busy, troubled by life's own turmoils. A wishlist for far better times which in reality are what seems to be memories of a distant time. If they were only there to begin with would all of this be different.
Music..slowly fading as each day grows darker. PEARL JAM...Our savior band that saved us time after time. Year after year. Why is it not working anymore. What happened to the light...
A house once full of life. As these years 1,2,3,4,5, going on six goes by it seems to have become our prison. Believe me when I say we want out. Free from all of this sadness. Free from the routine of nothingness.
Finally, a sunrise full of hope, encouragement and drive but the sinking feeling that it might be to late. I wish we didn't feel so deserted and stuck in this fog of hopelessness. Unfortunately, it's what felt each and every day.
I know I have let you down..myself and others but nobody understands our struggle. The need for support is greater than you can even know. Our crossroads have arrived. We have only come here for love and I miss it and all of what it once was. Depression is our keeper now and we just want to break free.
For those who have wondered if alcohol or other substances have been our downfall. You are wrong the longing for love is our intoxication. I don't know how life has gotten this screwed up. We had you all...I think that the constant fight for survival (Over five years long) has finally taken it's toll. We need you people. WE need your support again. Please come back to us. For we have lost our way and could use the advice of the one's we so cherish, love and respect.
You are our light now..Do what you want with it..
Just please, please don't fail us now.
All of our love,
John and Shawna Pauley
Matt
www.cluthelee.com
www.cluthe.com
2007 • Wembley - London
2009 • Melbourne
2010 • Madison Square Garden
Best Wishes for a better day,
Brett & Malissa
"..That's One Happy Fuckin Ghost.."
“..That came up on the Pillow Case...This is for the Greek, With Our Apologies.....”
It sounds like desperate times for you and Shawna and especially your boys.
I think I can speak for everyone who has been following your families plight, that it's really hard to hear you talk this way. :(
I haven't been able to spend much time on here lately but I'm always on the lookout for an update. I really was hoping no news is good news.
I hope you have considered medication and professional help to help pull you out of the dark. One thing for sure, it sounds like you guys should steer clear of your family. That seems counter intuitive but from what you've described they're dragging you down. I can't imagine what that's like, it must be awful! :evil:
You will always find love and suport on this board and you need to lean on it as much as possible. There will be better days ahead, I'm sure of it. It doesn't seem like that now but if you stay focused on your boys and believe you are doing everything you know how to keep it together, eventually life will turn around. Seize on any small kernel of good or happiness you find each day and try to build on it while shutting out the rest.
All of this is easier said than done but please know that this is a soft place to fall and we all want what's best for you.
Much love and suport,
Karen
Well a lot has changed since I was on here last. First, I'm thankful that I have a place where I can come whether it's through the good times or through the bad. It feels good that either way I/we are not judged and still kept in a good light. It's the support that keeps me going....Yes, things got pretty dark here for a bit but it had too in order for us to figure out a way to get back on track. Out of this mess that life had unintentionally created. A HUGE break from family was needed. I may be wrong but I feel that in some way or another everybody is broken somehow. When the times get tough people can only handle it as best they can. Life provides the tools but without the training it's hard to adapt and work through all of what life throws at you. Family always means well but they are only human as well and all of us make mistakes. In the end the love is still there no matter what and sometimes breaks are needed for it to all come together.
It is really important for me that you know that our kids have not been a part of this darkness. With trips to the park 2-3 times a week, shooting cans with there pellet guns, trampoline time, video games, movies, sleep overs they are very content and with the big smiles on their faces you couldn't tell that anything negative has been going on over here for quite some time.
Now for some GOOD news..I have been hired by a company called Safe Guard to be a home inspector. Which entails taking pictures of homes and properties inside and out for the banks and insurance companies. The best part of it all is Shawna is able to ride along with me each and every day. We are so excited about this. We desperately needed to get out of this house and damn it feels so good. It's only around 15 hours a week for the beginning period but if the stars align right it could turn into a full time job. Plus with our recent advertisements in the phone book for the landscaping business. Life may finally start to come together for us.This is just what we have needed. The busier the better so please send your good vibes, prayers and support our way for this is a very big deal to us and your support would help a lot. A chance to salvage our lives and to save our home from foreclosure.
You all mean so much to us. So I'm sorry for not clarifying on a few of these issues and ask for your forgiveness with that. Thank you for your continued support and please, please send us your good vibes etc.
We hope you all have a great rest of your week and we'll be updating soon.
John
Sending my very best to the family John. So elated to read a happy post!
John,
This is great news!!
I haven't been able to get you guys out of my mind since reading your past posts.
I'm glad you clarified the boys situation. Their happiness is the most important thing and it sounds like Shawna and you have been able to shelter them while letting them live a happy kid life.
How awesome is this new job for you and the family!?!
I couldn't be more excited for you!
Your faith has paid off and you deserve all the good things that come your way.
XO K.
This is hopefully the first step down a great path for 2013!
Crossing fingers the Safeguard becomes permanent. Sounds perfect :-)
Shannon
Shine The Light on Your Family ( not a PJ reference, Simple Minds Glittering Prize)
yeah, familes fall apart, know that one very very well, you just find a new way to keep the absolute contacts you need to keep your family you made together... together! :-)
EV Austin Nov 9 &11 2012
EPIC Wrigley 7/19/2013 who could ever forget that date :-) my first PJ
Dallas 11/15/2013
OKC 11/16/2013
Seattle 2 hopefully?!
Thank you everybody for the support. Again, The kids have always been okay..
If you knew us personally then it wouldn't be a topic. On the other hand PJ is the one
you all should be concerned about. He seems to have a slipper fetish and Shawna's
about ready to feed him to the coyotes.
We hope you all have a great rest of your week. Thank you again for your concern.
We are definitely riding along the high road and we are starting to come out of this funk.
Take care of yourselves,
John and Shawna
So pleased things are taking a turn around the corner
2012 - Manchester i & ii, Berlin i & ii, Stockholm. 2014 - Amsterdam i & ii, Trieste, Vienna, Berlin, Leeds, Milton Keynes.
2016 - Boston Fenway i & ii, 2018 - Amsterdam i & ii, Pinkpop, London i & ii, Padova, Krakow, Barcelona, Seattle i & ii.
Feed PJ to the coyotes!?!
Gave me a good laugh. I would rather he chew on my shoes than pee on them.
Matter of opinion buddy
PJ's favorite song is River of deceit. (After the news paper swishes his butt). You can honestly hear him sing "My pain is self chosen..Yeah"
Best wishes for the best of day's you guy's...How I chose to feel.. Is how I am..I won't lose my faith it's an inside job today.
"..That's One Happy Fuckin Ghost.."
“..That came up on the Pillow Case...This is for the Greek, With Our Apologies.....”
Been awhile since I was here & had some catching up to do. You all have been in my thoughts often.
On December 22, 2012 at 5:25 am the phone rang and everything changed. It was my first day off & I was exhausted so when the phone rang I thought I was dreaming. I was not.
My daughter was on the phone & whispering "Mom? Mom?" With my heart thundering in my ears she proceeded to tell me her fiance had beat her up & kept her hostage in the bathroom for hours. And he had a knife.
For a second, my brain, my heart & soul could not comprehend this. The connection broke.
The next few moments were a blur & I will always thank the universe that my husband was outside with the dog & hadn't left for work yet. We were on our way in seconds, my phone in hand dialing 911. Then silence as all we could do was race towards their house 25 minutes away.
No answer from my daughter & for the next ten minutes as we drove in complete silence through the murky early morning darkness I feared my life was snuffed out. Surely I would feel it, my only child gone? I felt my heart would burst it was thumping so hard or was it my husbands' heart thumping so?
And then, a text asking me to call her. I did & she pretended it was me calling about my Gram to throw him off the scent. As we sped closer I heard it play out on the phone. The arrival of the police, her cries, me telling her to open the door, the scuffle....we pulled up & she was alive. That was all that mattered at that moment.
Her & their two little ones were alive & in disbelief I looked on as a person I watched grow up & hoped to become the man I thought he could be was lead away in cuffs. Life became different for awhile.
Well, that was kind of cathartic. I haven't even told my close friends this but I feel I can here, it will stay here. And I haven't really ever wrote it down or spoke of it in such depth. We've been too busy getting her & the kids settled. Everything involved has been overwhelming, financially, physically, emotionally. We were planning a wedding & then......
Love gets you through & builds strength just when you think you are spent. You shake your fist at the unfairness of it & then you carry on. Hanging on by your fingertips, feeling like letting go but you don't, you cannot. Why? Because people love you & you love them & your valid, important & have a pulsing need to enjoy the one life we are given. That's why.
Holy crap! Thank goodness your daughter is now safe. My prayers for her and you as you all move forward from this horrific incident. Better days are ahead, I promise.
That is an incredibly harrowing story.
Your daughter is so lucky to have been able to sneak the phone call and have you spring into action the way you did.
I can't imagine how terrified you and husband must have been, not to mention your daughter!
Thank goodness everyone is ok.
The joy in your words shines through loud and clear.....
I'm so glad everything is going well and getting back on track.
Just in time for spring!
In catching up here my heart sank & then relief that things have taken a better turn. Life can really smack you down but knowing people care takes one hell of a load off.
John & Shawna, you & your family were never far from my thoughts
It's good to see that your life seems to have taken a turn and that things seem to be shaping up! Best of luck in your new job and hope the landscaping adverts bring you some clients!
Well... except for PJ, that is.... No 'shaping up' for him, it would seem!
xx
"..That's One Happy Fuckin Ghost.."
“..That came up on the Pillow Case...This is for the Greek, With Our Apologies.....”