ever have a friend that was like a brother to you..

pjhawks

"People Change as Does Everything" to quote Ed. A good friend roles with the changes in their friendship relationship. Yes it kind of sucks that a friend latches on to a new partner and that becomes their focus - but instead of acting selfishly understand that it's not anything personally against you, it's just your friends focus has changed with it. learn to deal with it. you will not do the same things with friends at 42 that you do at 12, 22 or 32. A truly great friend will find happiness for their friends when good things happen to them, even as it changes your relationship. Embrace their happiness and learn to co-exist within that bubble. If that means you only hang out once or twice a year so be it - cherish those times. Stay within distance so when that friend truly is in need of a great friend they know you are still available to them. and they will need a friend at some point, everyone does. ask yourself if you'd rather be a friend to that person 4 or 5 times a year instead of never. trust me as you get older you will cherish even those 4 or 5 times a year as much, if not more, than the times when you were younger and see these friends on a daily basis or so.

soulsinging

decides2dream wrote:

soulsinging wrote:

who said she's worried about the two of you dating? maybe she's just paranoid about a friends with benefits situation

hahahahahaha....too true!

soulsinging wrote:

i find the dude getting really pissed off at this 1) isn't getting laid, 2) does the same thing when he is getting laid, and 3) is still right about the friend being a pussy whipped bitch... but we all know us guys will put up with a LOT for some sex. let's face it man, you're a good friend, but you're not getting his rocks off and he's entitled to make this his priority don't hold it against him!

someone's on a roll today....;)
(and yes, i agree)

only today?

decides2dream

pjhawks wrote:

"People Change as Does Everything" to quote Ed. A good friend roles with the changes in their friendship relationship. Yes it kind of sucks that a friend latches on to a new partner and that becomes their focus - but instead of acting selfishly understand that it's not anything personally against you, it's just your friends focus has changed with it. learn to deal with it. you will not do the same things with friends at 42 that you do at 12, 22 or 32. A truly great friend will find happiness for their friends when good things happen to them, even as it changes your relationship. Embrace their happiness and learn to co-exist within that bubble. If that means you only hang out once or twice a year so be it - cherish those times. Stay within distance so when that friend truly is in need of a great friend they know you are still available to them. and they will need a friend at some point, everyone does. ask yourself if you'd rather be a friend to that person 4 or 5 times a year instead of never. trust me as you get older you will cherish even those 4 or 5 times a year as much, if not more, than the times when you were younger and see these friends on a daily basis or so.

awesome post.:)


seriously.
as someone who just recently got together with a friend i've not seen in 6 years!
i know this feeling well. (for the record, we live in different countries, thus the big time lapse) none the less.....i've known her over 20 years now. we used to write each other letters monthly. now, if either of us manage a letter in a year, we're doin' good. christmas cards do manage to happen, and now the occasional email. however, we spent some formative time together - college in london! - she was my maid of honor when i married...and tho our lives are in different countries.....and so different, period......we BOTH know, no matter what....we are here for each other when needed, or sure...just for some great laughs when we can manage it. it is GREAT to hold onto those precious few friends like that. my childhood firend i see at most, 2-3 times a year....but that bond will always BE. it's a beautiful thing.

soulsinging wrote:

only today?

yes.
today.

youngster

soulsinging wrote:

cropduster82 wrote:

Yeah. It sucks. Had a friend who we used to do everything together. Then came the girl. I would call and see if he wanted to hang out. This is how it went:

Me: Hey, wanna hang out
Him: Uh, let me see what girlfriend is doing. (In the background I hear, "Hey, what are we doing later?" She says, "I don't know, maybe we could go to the mall or something.")
Him: I can't. I'm going to the mall with girlfriend.

We aren't friends anymore because he is a pussy-whipped little bitch who practically holds her purse when they go out. Pathetic.

i find the dude getting really pissed off at this 1) isn't getting laid, 2) does the same thing when he is getting laid, and 3) is still right about the friend being a pussy whipped bitch... but we all know us guys will put up with a LOT for some sex. let's face it man, you're a good friend, but you're not getting his rocks off and he's entitled to make this his priority don't hold it against him!

I know what you're saying. But I always made time for my friends when I had a girlfriend. True, and this goes for me too, we will go out of our way to get laid. But to let a girl decide you're day for you is pathetic. To have to ask you're GIRLFRIEND of all people if you can hang out with you're friends is lame. The funny thing is he wouldn't ask his mother if he could go places when he was a teenager, but when he was with his girl he would ask first. He stopped returning my calls which is why we're not friends anymore. I don't chase people. I do hope he's happy though.

soulsinging

cropduster82 wrote:

soulsinging wrote:

cropduster82 wrote:

Yeah. It sucks. Had a friend who we used to do everything together. Then came the girl. I would call and see if he wanted to hang out. This is how it went:

Me: Hey, wanna hang out
Him: Uh, let me see what girlfriend is doing. (In the background I hear, "Hey, what are we doing later?" She says, "I don't know, maybe we could go to the mall or something.")
Him: I can't. I'm going to the mall with girlfriend.

We aren't friends anymore because he is a pussy-whipped little bitch who practically holds her purse when they go out. Pathetic.

i find the dude getting really pissed off at this 1) isn't getting laid, 2) does the same thing when he is getting laid, and 3) is still right about the friend being a pussy whipped bitch... but we all know us guys will put up with a LOT for some sex. let's face it man, you're a good friend, but you're not getting his rocks off and he's entitled to make this his priority don't hold it against him!

I know what you're saying. But I always made time for my friends when I had a girlfriend. True, and this goes for me too, we will go out of our way to get laid. But to let a girl decide you're day for you is pathetic. To have to ask you're GIRLFRIEND of all people if you can hang out with you're friends is lame. The funny thing is he wouldn't ask his mother if he could go places when he was a teenager, but when he was with his girl he would ask first. He stopped returning my calls which is why we're not friends anymore. I don't chase people. I do hope he's happy though.

his mother (hopefully) wasn't getting his rocks off either. i suspect it's less about getting permission and more about making sure there are no opportunities to get laid before making other plans. have you ever had a serious gf? i dare you to go out and get drunk with your guy friends and not tell her. you don't get laid for weeks and you have to jump through all sorts of hoops to make it up. it's not worth the trouble.

pjhawks

cropduster82 wrote:

soulsinging wrote:

cropduster82 wrote:

Yeah. It sucks. Had a friend who we used to do everything together. Then came the girl. I would call and see if he wanted to hang out. This is how it went:

Me: Hey, wanna hang out
Him: Uh, let me see what girlfriend is doing. (In the background I hear, "Hey, what are we doing later?" She says, "I don't know, maybe we could go to the mall or something.")
Him: I can't. I'm going to the mall with girlfriend.

We aren't friends anymore because he is a pussy-whipped little bitch who practically holds her purse when they go out. Pathetic.

i find the dude getting really pissed off at this 1) isn't getting laid, 2) does the same thing when he is getting laid, and 3) is still right about the friend being a pussy whipped bitch... but we all know us guys will put up with a LOT for some sex. let's face it man, you're a good friend, but you're not getting his rocks off and he's entitled to make this his priority don't hold it against him!

I know what you're saying. But I always made time for my friends when I had a girlfriend. True, and this goes for me too, we will go out of our way to get laid. But to let a girl decide you're day for you is pathetic. To have to ask you're GIRLFRIEND of all people if you can hang out with you're friends is lame. The funny thing is he wouldn't ask his mother if he could go places when he was a teenager, but when he was with his girl he would ask first. He stopped returning my calls which is why we're not friends anymore. I don't chase people. I do hope he's happy though.

I think you are taking your friends behavior too personally. Have you ever fallen in love? When it happens you want to spend every waking moment with that person - it's not a reflection or a put down of your friendship, its just a feeling that they want to be next to their love every moment at the beginning. My advice is to stay with it, eventually the feeling of wanting to spend every waking moment with their love will subside to a normal level and your friend will be available to you more again. As you get older it will never be what it was when you were younger, you won't see friends on a daily or weekly basis - but that is what happens as you get older. on another note have you offered to do things with your friend and his girlfriend together - as simple as saying lets meet for a drink, doesn't have to be an all night bender with them either - just spend 5 or 10 minutes. or if he is staying home with her ask if you can stop over for a beer. if you truly cherish his friendship you will adapt to his changes and understand he is not personally trying to harm you.

youngster

soulsinging wrote:

his mother (hopefully) wasn't getting his rocks off either. i suspect it's less about getting permission and more about making sure there are no opportunities to get laid before making other plans. have you ever had a serious gf? i dare you to go out and get drunk with your guy friends and not tell her. you don't get laid for weeks and you have to jump through all sorts of hoops to make it up. it's not worth the trouble.

Yes. I had a serious GF for 5 years before marrying her. We have been together for 9 years total. There were many opportunities when she was working and friends called up to go drinking or something and I would just go. I'm a big boy. I don't need permission to go out. Of course I would tell her I was out when she did call wondering where I was. No big deal. I didn't miss out on sex because of it. She doesn't freak out when I am with friends and vice versa. I wouldn't call her and ask, "Honey, is it OK if I go out with friends, please?'' When you do that once, she has you by the balls forever. She's cool which is why I married her.

decides2dream

cropduster82 wrote:

soulsinging wrote:

his mother (hopefully) wasn't getting his rocks off either. i suspect it's less about getting permission and more about making sure there are no opportunities to get laid before making other plans. have you ever had a serious gf? i dare you to go out and get drunk with your guy friends and not tell her. you don't get laid for weeks and you have to jump through all sorts of hoops to make it up. it's not worth the trouble.

Yes. I had a serious GF for 5 years before marrying her. We have been together for 9 years total. There were many opportunities when she was working and friends called up to go drinking or something and I would just go. I'm a big boy. I don't need permission to go out. Of course I would tell her I was out when she did call wondering where I was. No big deal. I didn't miss out on sex because of it. She doesn't freak out when I am with friends and vice versa. I wouldn't call her and ask, "Honey, is it OK if I go out with friends, please?'' When you do that once, she has you by the balls forever. She's cool which is why I married her.

righto.
isn't that usually what goes on. make plans when the other is busy. sure, there are times when you just make plans with friends b/c nothing else is really going on, but let's be real - when you are in a serious/commited relationship...it's not 'asking permission'...it's simply courtesy, and yes...the fact that early on, you usually DO want to be with that person as much as possible. post right above tells it pretty clearly. i don't ask for permission, nor does my husband....but we have an unspoken, saturdays are OURS.....and we just check in with each other to see if plans are set, etc, before we go off with friends, or hell, even family. it's all how you see it.

youngster

decides2dream wrote:

cropduster82 wrote:

soulsinging wrote:

his mother (hopefully) wasn't getting his rocks off either. i suspect it's less about getting permission and more about making sure there are no opportunities to get laid before making other plans. have you ever had a serious gf? i dare you to go out and get drunk with your guy friends and not tell her. you don't get laid for weeks and you have to jump through all sorts of hoops to make it up. it's not worth the trouble.

Yes. I had a serious GF for 5 years before marrying her. We have been together for 9 years total. There were many opportunities when she was working and friends called up to go drinking or something and I would just go. I'm a big boy. I don't need permission to go out. Of course I would tell her I was out when she did call wondering where I was. No big deal. I didn't miss out on sex because of it. She doesn't freak out when I am with friends and vice versa. I wouldn't call her and ask, "Honey, is it OK if I go out with friends, please?'' When you do that once, she has you by the balls forever. She's cool which is why I married her.

righto.
isn't that usually what goes on. make plans when the other is busy. sure, there are times when you just make plans with friends b/c nothing else is really going on, but let's be real - when you are in a serious/commited relationship...it's not 'asking permission'...it's simply courtesy, and yes...the fact that early on, you usually DO want to be with that person as much as possible. post right above tells it pretty clearly. i don't ask for permission, nor does my husband....but we have an unspoken, saturdays are OURS.....and we just check in with each other to see if plans are set, etc, before we go off with friends, or hell, even family. it's all how you see it.

I agree with you. My original point was that my old friend would ask to see if him and his girl were doing anything and she took it as let's make plans. He would go along with everything she said instead of letting her know what he wanted to do. It got to the point where he just stared blocking people out and had tunnel vision for her. I get wanting to spend most of you're time with the person you love. I do that now. But honestly, it's a little unhealthy to be with someone 24/7 and shut everyone else out.

decides2dream

cropduster82 wrote:

I agree with you. My original point was that my old friend would ask to see if him and his girl were doing anything and she took it as let's make plans. He would go along with everything she said instead of letting her know what he wanted to do. It got to the point where he just stared blocking people out and had tunnel vision for her. I get wanting to spend most of you're time with the person you love. I do that now. But honestly, it's a little unhealthy to be with someone 24/7 and shut everyone else out.

sure, agree...your particular friend is/was a pussy i guess. :P
but for most people, that's not really the case, they are just going thru the usual points of a relationship. that's all. i think for the average person, you just realize....the older you get, the less time you have for your friends, in general. sure, you have to make time, and you should want to as well. but i think most of us, especially when the bulk are involved, we all realize, it's almost 'just how it goes'...always joked whenever my sister broke up with a BF just how much more 'around' she was. my bro-in-law and his long-time GF split a year or two ago....seen him more now then in years. and hell, friends when their kids are young? yea. it's tough. as the kids age, it gets easier. i think for most of us, we realize the life phases....and just roll with it. that's what real friends should do. that's all.

youngster

Yeah, he's a pussy.

Now that I am older I don't see all my friends as often because most of us are married or in relationships. I do make the effort though to get together and hang out like old times because it's important. My wife even tells me I should go out more because she is sick of seeing me. Oh how marriage can change you're relationship . She says it jokingly of course but we both try to see our respective friends at least once a month.

soulsinging

cropduster82 wrote:

decides2dream wrote:

righto.
isn't that usually what goes on. make plans when the other is busy. sure, there are times when you just make plans with friends b/c nothing else is really going on, but let's be real - when you are in a serious/commited relationship...it's not 'asking permission'...it's simply courtesy, and yes...the fact that early on, you usually DO want to be with that person as much as possible. post right above tells it pretty clearly. i don't ask for permission, nor does my husband....but we have an unspoken, saturdays are OURS.....and we just check in with each other to see if plans are set, etc, before we go off with friends, or hell, even family. it's all how you see it.

I agree with you. My original point was that my old friend would ask to see if him and his girl were doing anything and she took it as let's make plans. He would go along with everything she said instead of letting her know what he wanted to do. It got to the point where he just stared blocking people out and had tunnel vision for her. I get wanting to spend most of you're time with the person you love. I do that now. But honestly, it's a little unhealthy to be with someone 24/7 and shut everyone else out.

Fair enough. I don't see anything in the OP to indicate it's gotten this bad though. I'm just saying it's pretty common to see a helluva lot less of your friends as they start getting into serious relationships. You admit yourself you only see your friends once a month anymore... at some point surely you saw them more? So why tell the OP to lay into his friend for being a pussy whipped bitch when you, him, me, and every other guy/adult/grown up in a serious relationship has done the same thing at some point?

Lauri

pjhawks wrote:

"People Change as Does Everything" to quote Ed. A good friend roles with the changes in their friendship relationship. Yes it kind of sucks that a friend latches on to a new partner and that becomes their focus - but instead of acting selfishly understand that it's not anything personally against you, it's just your friends focus has changed with it. learn to deal with it. you will not do the same things with friends at 42 that you do at 12, 22 or 32. A truly great friend will find happiness for their friends when good things happen to them, even as it changes your relationship. Embrace their happiness and learn to co-exist within that bubble. If that means you only hang out once or twice a year so be it - cherish those times. Stay within distance so when that friend truly is in need of a great friend they know you are still available to them. and they will need a friend at some point, everyone does. ask yourself if you'd rather be a friend to that person 4 or 5 times a year instead of never. trust me as you get older you will cherish even those 4 or 5 times a year as much, if not more, than the times when you were younger and see these friends on a daily basis or so.

Though I agree with the sentiment of this, I don't really agree with it on principle. It's always the single person who has to adapt, who has to accept the loss. If you don't, you're not being "happy for" your friend. This to me, is complete B.S. From where I stand, if you can't fit another person into your life and integrate that person incrementally without sacrificing other relationships, you really don't deserve the friendship OR the romantic relationship. I don't believe that I have ever sacrificed friendship for a boyfriend. I don't think I've ever canceled plans with a friend or flaked out or lost touch due to a boyfriend. My boyfriends have gotten me as a whole person, who has friends and relatives and colleagues. *HE* is the new addition that must be integrated into the life that's already there and likewise me with his life. If I started dating someone who flaked out on his friends because of me, I would probably end it. That's not the kind of person I want to be with. And, as the romantic partner, you should know that if they do this to their friends, they will eventually do it to you too.

I've always held friendships in very high regard. I think they are extremely important. I don't believe that one person, no matter how much you love them, can fulfill every role in one's life. It's important to diversify the relationship portfolio.

soulsinging

Lauri wrote:

pjhawks wrote:

"People Change as Does Everything" to quote Ed. A good friend roles with the changes in their friendship relationship. Yes it kind of sucks that a friend latches on to a new partner and that becomes their focus - but instead of acting selfishly understand that it's not anything personally against you, it's just your friends focus has changed with it. learn to deal with it. you will not do the same things with friends at 42 that you do at 12, 22 or 32. A truly great friend will find happiness for their friends when good things happen to them, even as it changes your relationship. Embrace their happiness and learn to co-exist within that bubble. If that means you only hang out once or twice a year so be it - cherish those times. Stay within distance so when that friend truly is in need of a great friend they know you are still available to them. and they will need a friend at some point, everyone does. ask yourself if you'd rather be a friend to that person 4 or 5 times a year instead of never. trust me as you get older you will cherish even those 4 or 5 times a year as much, if not more, than the times when you were younger and see these friends on a daily basis or so.

Though I agree with the sentiment of this, I don't really agree with it on principle. It's always the single person who has to adapt, who has to accept the loss. If you don't, you're not being "happy for" your friend. This to me, is complete B.S. From where I stand, if you can't fit another person into your life and integrate that person incrementally without sacrificing other relationships, you really don't deserve the friendship OR the romantic relationship. I don't believe that I have ever sacrificed friendship for a boyfriend. I don't think I've ever canceled plans with a friend or flaked out or lost touch due to a boyfriend. My boyfriends have gotten me as a whole person, who has friends and relatives and colleagues. *HE* is the new addition that must be integrated into the life that's already there and likewise me with his life. If I started dating someone who flaked out on his friends because of me, I would probably end it. That's not the kind of person I want to be with. And, as the romantic partner, you should know that if they do this to their friends, they will eventually do it to you too.

I've always held friendships in very high regard. I think they are extremely important. I don't believe that one person, no matter how much you love them, can fulfill every role in one's life. It's important to diversify the relationship portfolio.

perhaps not every role, but if you're considering marriage at some point, that person damn well be number one on your list. that is why EVERYONE has to adjust to fit around that person. parents do it too, not just friends. they see less of you at holidays, have to accept you splitting time to see the other family, you turn to your partner for advice instead of parents. it's not friends who are singled out. if this person means a lot to you, then yes, other people are going to have to deal with it. i'm not saying friends should be ok with being blown off or never seeing them and should just take what they can get and be happy, but i don't think it's unreasonable or unexpected that they take a back seat to someone you're in a serious relationship with.

BinFrog

One of my 3 best friends from college fell off the face of the earth after he got married and had twins. Now I realize that having a family means you're not as available anymore. I get that. But my other 2 best friends from college have kids now and they keep in touch and more than make an effort to hang out.

I am not as bummed about it as I was a few years ago. I got married in May, but had I gotten married 10 years ago he would have been my best man. Now he was invited, but wasn't even part of the wedding party.

Lauri

soulsinging wrote:

perhaps not every role, but if you're considering marriage at some point, that person damn well be number one on your list.

I completely disagree with this statement. If I ever get married (big if), my husband will never be "number one." He will be in a group of number ones. You can't prioritize the people you care about. Sure, a person can't be everywhere at once, and sometimes reasonable decisions have to be made. As long as they are reasonable and equitable and you compensate any time lost to the other people when you make them, that's fine. If you make one person "number one" that implies that you are pushing all the other people you once loved and cared for back to numbers, two, three, four, etc.

I absolutely think it is unreasonable for anyone to take a "backseat" to a romantic partner. You've got people in your life who have loved and cared about you since birth, they've been there for you, and you have to be there for them, and I can't see how one could justify changing that because a new person has stepped in, just because that person is of the gender you are sexually attracted to. It's a different type of relationship, but there is no hierarchy.

In the practical sense that you mention about holidays and whatnot, there are no set rules. Depending on the individuals involved, the other circumstances, etc., I think I would celebrate holidays with my family regardless of my couple status (I always have), and my boyfriend/husband is free to join me or do whatever he wishes. For me, holidays have always been family events, so I don't think there's a reason that needs to change. Of course if you have children, it is more difficult to see everyone, though not always impossible.

I see the "rules" about these things as outdated and just a kind of artifact of social pressure for a patriarchal, nuclear family orientation. There is such a broad range of different types of families and relationships and people in our lives. I think it's more important to love the community as a whole than just one person above all else. And really, it's not a bright idea to do so anyway, even from a selfish standpoint. That one person isn't going to around all-day, every day, forever (unless you die first).

soulsinging

Lauri wrote:

soulsinging wrote:

perhaps not every role, but if you're considering marriage at some point, that person damn well be number one on your list.

I completely disagree with this statement. If I ever get married (big if), my husband will never be "number one." He will be in a group of number ones. You can't prioritize the people you care about. Sure, a person can't be everywhere at once, and sometimes reasonable decisions have to be made. As long as they are reasonable and equitable and you compensate any time lost to the other people when you make them, that's fine. If you make one person "number one" that implies that you are pushing all the other people you once loved and cared for back to numbers, two, three, four, etc.

I absolutely think it is unreasonable for anyone to take a "backseat" to a romantic partner. You've got people in your life who have loved and cared about you since birth, they've been there for you, and you have to be there for them, and I can't see how one could justify changing that because a new person has stepped in, just because that person is of the gender you are sexually attracted to. It's a different type of relationship, but there is no hierarchy.

In the practical sense that you mention about holidays and whatnot, there are no set rules. Depending on the individuals involved, the other circumstances, etc., I think I would celebrate holidays with my family regardless of my couple status (I always have), and my boyfriend/husband is free to join me or do whatever he wishes. For me, holidays have always been family events, so I don't think there's a reason that needs to change. Of course if you have children, it is more difficult to see everyone, though not always impossible.

I see the "rules" about these things as outdated and just a kind of artifact of social pressure for a patriarchal, nuclear family orientation. There is such a broad range of different types of families and relationships and people in our lives. I think it's more important to love the community as a whole than just one person above all else. And really, it's not a bright idea to do so anyway, even from a selfish standpoint. That one person isn't going to around all-day, every day, forever (unless you die first).

good luck finding a guy willing to marry you that you're going to tell to his face is no more special to you than a good buddy or your parents. guys do NOT want to share their wives with the in-laws or other friends and loved ones any more than most women would be happy with their husband running to mommy with his problems instead of her. the purpose of a marriage is to build your own NEW family unit, not cling to the old one and sometimes drag along some dude you've ben fucking.

what exactly do you want a bf for anyway? you seem to view s.o.'s as no more than another friend of yours that you sometimes fuck... so what's the point? you've got friends, and you can fuck without the bf. but if you're not willing to give up a damn thing to be with him or grant him any importance beyond the importance you place on having coffee with an old college roommate, then i'm not remotely surprised you're struggling on the dating scene.

this has nothing to do with the evil patriarchy keeping you down :roll: ask your parents if their other friends took a backseat once they got married to each other and devoted themselves to you. they're lying if they tell you they saw their friends just as much after. marriage is building a partnership, about saying this person is the one person that will stand by you and vice versa no matter what. your friends may or may not. if you get offered a job across the country, you wouldn't expect your friends to move with you just to be by you. you may expect your spouse to.

in any event, least now i realize why you didn't want me to see your profile

Indian Summer

Lauri wrote:

Indian Summer wrote:

it's called growing up.

It shouldn't be though. Life-long friendships deserve so much more respect than they get. I think the person who respects his friends regardless of his romantic status is the mature one.

Good luck with that.

decides2dream

make new friends but keep the old
one is silver and the other gold


sorry, just some flashbacks.
the more things change, the more they stay the same...especially with the internet, or at the very least....these forums.


my husband is my NUMBER ONE....and i damn well better always be his, tho i have no doubts. that is a fact, and i make no apologies....nor do i "need" to, b/c no one in my life thinks it should be any other way. i LOVE my family, my friends....and they KNOW this, and i know i would do just about anything for them. and yet, this in no way diminishes my husband being my number one. also, i have not cut myself off from others, hahaha....i just have...priorities? yes, even in relationships. and let's be real here, your partner should be your best friend, so he/she should know/understand that other family/friends do have needs to be met in your life too. utter silliness otherwise.

soulsinging wrote:

good luck finding a guy willing to marry you that you're going to tell to his face is no more special to you than a good buddy or your parents. guys do NOT want to share their wives with the in-laws or other friends and loved ones any more than most women would be happy with their husband running to mommy with his problems instead of her. the purpose of a marriage is to build your own NEW family unit, not cling to the old one and sometimes drag along some dude you've ben fucking.

what exactly do you want a bf for anyway? you seem to view s.o.'s as no more than another friend of yours that you sometimes fuck... so what's the point? you've got friends, and you can fuck without the bf. but if you're not willing to give up a damn thing to be with him or grant him any importance beyond the importance you place on having coffee with an old college roommate, then i'm not remotely surprised you're struggling on the dating scene.

this has nothing to do with the evil patriarchy keeping you down :roll: ask your parents if their other friends took a backseat once they got married to each other and devoted themselves to you. they're lying if they tell you they saw their friends just as much after. marriage is building a partnership, about saying this person is the one person that will stand by you and vice versa no matter what. your friends may or may not. if you get offered a job across the country, you wouldn't expect your friends to move with you just to be by you. you may expect your spouse to.

in any event, least now i realize why you didn't want me to see your profile

:thumbup:
i *heart* this place.

The Champ

Lauri wrote:

soulsinging wrote:

perhaps not every role, but if you're considering marriage at some point, that person damn well be number one on your list.

I completely disagree with this statement. If I ever get married (big if), my husband will never be "number one." He will be in a group of number ones. You can't prioritize the people you care about. Sure, a person can't be everywhere at once, and sometimes reasonable decisions have to be made. As long as they are reasonable and equitable and you compensate any time lost to the other people when you make them, that's fine. If you make one person "number one" that implies that you are pushing all the other people you once loved and cared for back to numbers, two, three, four, etc.

I absolutely think it is unreasonable for anyone to take a "backseat" to a romantic partner. You've got people in your life who have loved and cared about you since birth, they've been there for you, and you have to be there for them, and I can't see how one could justify changing that because a new person has stepped in, just because that person is of the gender you are sexually attracted to. It's a different type of relationship, but there is no hierarchy.

In the practical sense that you mention about holidays and whatnot, there are no set rules. Depending on the individuals involved, the other circumstances, etc., I think I would celebrate holidays with my family regardless of my couple status (I always have), and my boyfriend/husband is free to join me or do whatever he wishes. For me, holidays have always been family events, so I don't think there's a reason that needs to change. Of course if you have children, it is more difficult to see everyone, though not always impossible.

I see the "rules" about these things as outdated and just a kind of artifact of social pressure for a patriarchal, nuclear family orientation. There is such a broad range of different types of families and relationships and people in our lives. I think it's more important to love the community as a whole than just one person above all else. And really, it's not a bright idea to do so anyway, even from a selfish standpoint. That one person isn't going to around all-day, every day, forever (unless you die first).

I agree 100% ..