Dying alone

hedonist said:

Thoughts_Arrive said:

I'm a disappointment to my parents. They're elderly now, dad 70, mum 68. They think they have another 10 years left alive and I guess they're sad that they believe they'll never see me get married and have kids. I have no desire to be a dad. I don't think I am fit for parenthood given my baggage. My nieces are now old enough to ask "why doesn't uncle have a girlfriend?". 

As for online dating, not keen. Tinder is just a fuck fest. As for dating sites, I have nothing interesting to say about me on my profile nor any good photos (I don't get my photo taken often, very rarely). What can I say, 34, lives at home still, hardly any friends, never had a girlfriend. Red flags.

You do have control over a couple of those things.  I hope you're able to kick yourself in the ass, even a bit, to improve your self-perception.  First step.

B, wise words - made me think of Tull's Nothing is Easy.  Because nothing is!

lastexitlondon said:

brianlux said:

Thoughts_Arrive said:

There's also the speculation on my sexual orientation, people think never having had a girlfriend makes me gay.

I say phooey to what some people say and think.  You know who and what you are and anyone who tries to judge you that way is just plain wrong. 

I've had the same situation a number of times in my life.  I don't know what it is, but several people have mistaken me for being gay. I've had guys try to pick me up.  Even my wife has told me she thought I was gay when we first met!   That kind of thing used to bug me but now just figure well, maybe it's supposed to be a compliment.  I mean, after all, I've had some very cool gay friends and although I'm not inclined towards having sex with other men, I don't mind at all that some men do- or that some women prefer women- it's all a matter of personal taste and it's all fine either way.  But the bottom line- it's noboy's damn business either way.

Also, I've had guys call me "ma'am" a number of times.  What's with that?!  My hair?  Am I a bit "hippie"?  (My wife claims the word came from mamas with big hips who wear beads and such, but I think it originated as a spin off from the beatnik use of "hip").  Well, whatever.  I just shrug it off.  Besides, how many women have a soul patch (etc.!)?

Yeah, for sure it can be annoying when people say things about you that aren't true.  But just remember that if they say things that are derisive or ridiculing, they are the ones with the problem, not you.  Best not to give those people your time or energy.

Hedo- love that Tull song, "Nothing is Easy"!

Hey brian i have the same thing . But i think its because I'm open,both emotionally and speech wise both my ex wife and new partner "joke" saying i could be gay. I have no issue with gay. 
 But find it a bit upsetting because i couldn't be straighter . I love females and i have no desire whatsoever for the same sex never have. 
What is with people . T.A you can do anything you wish . You are im a great position. No over heads . Living the life you choose. You can be anything you have a blank slate to start with. No past baggage. A great situation really. No heart break from past loves. Go for life . However you want to.

mcgruff10 said:

lastexitlondon said:

rgambs said:

Thoughts_Arrive said:

I'm a disappointment to my parents. They're elderly now, dad 70, mum 68. They think they have another 10 years left alive and I guess they're sad that they believe they'll never see me get married and have kids. I have no desire to be a dad. I don't think I am fit for parenthood given my baggage. My nieces are now old enough to ask "why doesn't uncle have a girlfriend?". 

As for online dating, not keen. Tinder is just a fuck fest. As for dating sites, I have nothing interesting to say about me on my profile nor any good photos (I don't get my photo taken often, very rarely). What can I say, 34, lives at home still, hardly any friends, never had a girlfriend. Red flags.

First, what the hell is wrong with a fuck fest???? 
Sex is literally the most exciting and enjoyable activity a human person can engage in!

Second, self-pity is not a feature that wears well on anyone.  Do you have interests and hobbies?  
Of course you do, and that's what you would put on your dating profile.  It's not some game of pretending to be the world's most interesting man, it's about finding someone who sees your interests as interesting because they are interested too.  Interesting interestingness.
You don't have any good photos?  Well shit, that's a deal breaker, you'll be single forever because there is no possible way you could put on your good clothes, do your hair good, and smile for a selfie on the device currently in your hand.

You fail 100% of the times you don't even try!

This is very true. Go for it . Leap of faith but worth it. 

Maybe set a goal of maybe six months and try to move out of your parents house.  Living with your parents at age 34 I would think is a big red flag for women.
I moved out of my parents house when I was 18 only to return when I was going through my divorce at age 32...man did it suck!!!!

PJ_Soul said:

Thoughts_Arrive said:

There's also the speculation on my sexual orientation, people think never having had a girlfriend makes me gay.

You seem to think you are obligated to advertise this fact. How about you not bring it up on a dating profile or a first date? Then you don't have to worry about it! And if someone asks you about your dating past, all you have to say is, "I really haven't met anyone special yet."
I agree that moving out of your parents' house would be a good first step.

brianlux said:

My curiosity is often engaged when I read about or hear people talk about counseling.  In the 90's I needed counseling in a bad way.  I saw a number of different counselors  yet nothing seemed to be changing,  I wasn't getting any better.  So when I heard about a counseling training program called Human Services at our local college I decided to get into that program and see if I could learn something new.  I did indeed (and in fact, after earning my degree and Human Services certificate, I went on to work as program assistant in that program for a number of years). 

I can't summarize everything I learned  in that program in a few paragraphs but some of the main points that seem most important to me from what I learned and taught are:

-We used Carl Rogers' person-centered therapy which  relies a lot on the client taking an active role in his or her treatment with the therapist  using empathy and being supportive. (Of course it's much more complex than that and worth looking up.)

-I found that short term, productive counseling with the goal of finding good coping methods as opposed to focusing on a causal past is more effective than long-term talking therapy (or what we sometimes referred to as "Hollywood Therapy"). That latter kind of therapy is great for the counselor's pay check but only helps most clients for brief periods of time leading to a nearly endless cycle of repeated visits.

-Use of strength "challenging" (helping someone discover their strengths).

-Helping a person "pick up their own penny"- a term the lead prof used to described guiding a client toward finding their own solutions and strengths rather than just handing them  to them.  When we discover our own strengths, those revelations stay with us much longer and better.

I also found that good counseling does not rely on asking questions.  Clients subconsciously want to please their counselor so answers to questions often do not reveal what is really going on. In our counseling practice sessions, student helpers were literally never allowed to ask their practice "clients" any questions.

The other thing we frequently did was challenge a client when they said something like "it (or he or she, etc.) makes me feel" (and student helpers who used such terms were admonished for doing so).  "It makes me" is very dis-empowering.  The idea is to move someone from  saying something like "My husband makes me feel inferior when he says I don't work hard enough." to the more accurate "I feel put down when my wife tells me I don't work hard enough".    You may not change your husband, but you can change how you respond to your feelings.  Things like that are subtle but powerful.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m30jsZx_Ngs