Dying alone

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  • Thoughts_Arrive
    Thoughts_Arrive Melbourne, Australia Posts: 15,165
    My biggest pressure comes from my mum who says to me that time is ticking and by this age I should have been married with kids.
    I feel like a big fat failure and am ashamed to face other family members and the few friends I have.
    Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/2014
  • jnimhaoileoin
    jnimhaoileoin Baile Átha Cliath Posts: 2,682
    Thoughts_Arrive said:
    OffSheGoes35 said:
    Thoughts_Arrive, I can see why you would be discouraged after reading that article. Thinking about it, or attempting to anyway, from your point of view instead of my own...
    It's pretty rough out there. People have excess baggage like never before.
    All you can really do is try your best to be one of those solid men that hedo spoke of, so you'll have the best chance of attracting someone who is also solid.
    It makes me feel like a creep, a weirdo, a monster.
    It prevents me from dating but at the same time it makes it worse as it extends the time I have been single.
    I cannot bear to tell any date that I've never been in a relationship.

    I'm in exactly the same position as you but I guess it doesn't bother me nearly as much as I accept that I may actually be happier without a partner. Have you considered this or do you always feel lonely and desire companionship? My mistake was in feeling lonely and left-out simply because I felt I should. When I actually examined my feelings, I realised I had no desire to be out with a big gang of friends and that my happiest times were alone in front of the TV! We're all different of course, just take the time to make sure you know what you truly want. I always thought I was alone because I was an unattractive freak and nobody wanted me. Now I believe it is more because I myself have not sought companionship because subconsciously I knew I was happier alone
  • lastexitlondon
    lastexitlondon Posts: 14,876
    I think being alone can be good but also it can become an unwanted aloneness at times. I love company and being with people.but can see being alone peaceful


    this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
  • tweedyfanjen
    tweedyfanjen Posts: 881
    PJ_Soul said:
    Happened to me. I got out of a common law marriage in my mid-30s (and a year of being harassed after that), and haven't looked back since. Being one half of a couple can be great of course, but the concept of this seems really overrated to me as well. I don't get why being in a relationship is still often viewed as the be all and end all in life. Not being in a relationship has some serious benefits too. I feel like making the state of being in a relationship a qualification for personal success and/or happiness could be a major mistake a lot of people make.
    This! My sister, who's 21 years younger than me, is getting married in a few weeks. She has a college degree but still gets money from her parents for basic living expenses. My dad even bought her a car last year. Me, I've been financially independent since I was 18. But because I've never married it's like I'm lesser than. At a family gathering last year my dad declared 'well, at least one of my daughters is getting married'. He doesn't even like my sister's fiance. I've barely spoken to him since. 
    I'm through with screaming
  • HughFreakingDillon
    HughFreakingDillon Winnipeg Posts: 39,449
    hedonist said:
    HughFreakingDillon said:
    hedonist said:
    For me, it's never been about BEING in a relationship (despite pressure from family - and don't get me started on "but why don't you want children?").  It's about wanting to live this life with someone I love and like, and who feels the same about me.  We all have faults, have to make compromises, but on that?  No settling.  I was 34 when we met and we both trusted our connection and respective instincts about each other.

    As for eating out alone, fuck those who are haughty about it!  Last week after an appointment I treated myself to a late lunch at an outdoor cafe.  Didn't even need a distraction, just people-watched and enjoyed the breeze.  Maybe it depends on the city or location, but I was treated no differently than any other patron there.

    The expectations of others can be one's downfall, or can be the impetus to flip them off and exercise your personal freedom.
    during my 2 year singlehood, i went on a date with this girl. She was SHOCKED that I had never gone to a movie alone, stayed home and ordered a pizza by myself, etc, etc. it was just a period in my life where I didn't need to be around people, I just enjoyed it. 

    there was no second date. i'm convinced it was because i wasn't enough of "an individual". LOL
    Ha!  As someone who's generally introverted in the day-to-day (much more open via writing), I so treasure my me-time in the sanctuary of home.  Being around others can sometimes be so...draining.

    That said, I was much more social in my 20s.  Again - the key is to just be and trust yourself!  We usually know what's best for ourselves at the time.
    this is me. I didn't realize how much of an introvert I am until I hit my 30's. Now sometimes I worry about being on vacation with a bunch of friends. I wonder "ok, when will I get my recharge time?". I was just thinking about this today. We have an upcoming house boat vacation in the mountains of BC with two other families we are close with. I thought "fuck, it's a boat, 4 other adults, 5 other kids, where will I go to decrompress?". 

    good thing there will be loads of liquor and hopefully weed. 
    Hugh Freaking Dillon is currently out of the office, returning sometime in the fall




  • HughFreakingDillon
    HughFreakingDillon Winnipeg Posts: 39,449
    oftenreading said:
    I like eating out alone. In fact, I really enjoy eating out alone. I have traveled a fair amount for my work and I always enjoy trying new restaurants in new cities. I've never had a server dare to treat me like I'm pathetic, either :lol:

    Of course, trying new restaurants with people who I enjoy is in some ways better, but they aren't always available. 
    this is kind of what I thought when I went. I mean "how does this guy know I'm not from out of town?". obviously a very immature individual. 
    Hugh Freaking Dillon is currently out of the office, returning sometime in the fall




  • HughFreakingDillon
    HughFreakingDillon Winnipeg Posts: 39,449
    tweedyfanjen said:
    PJ_Soul said:
    Happened to me. I got out of a common law marriage in my mid-30s (and a year of being harassed after that), and haven't looked back since. Being one half of a couple can be great of course, but the concept of this seems really overrated to me as well. I don't get why being in a relationship is still often viewed as the be all and end all in life. Not being in a relationship has some serious benefits too. I feel like making the state of being in a relationship a qualification for personal success and/or happiness could be a major mistake a lot of people make.
    This! My sister, who's 21 years younger than me, is getting married in a few weeks. She has a college degree but still gets money from her parents for basic living expenses. My dad even bought her a car last year. Me, I've been financially independent since I was 18. But because I've never married it's like I'm lesser than. At a family gathering last year my dad declared 'well, at least one of my daughters is getting married'. He doesn't even like my sister's fiance. I've barely spoken to him since. 
    prick. no parent should ever say that about one of their kids. brutal. sorry you had to go through that. 
    Hugh Freaking Dillon is currently out of the office, returning sometime in the fall




  • OffSheGoes35
    OffSheGoes35 Posts: 3,517
    Thoughts_Arrive said:
    OffSheGoes35 said:
    Thoughts_Arrive, I can see why you would be discouraged after reading that article. Thinking about it, or attempting to anyway, from your point of view instead of my own...
    It's pretty rough out there. People have excess baggage like never before.
    All you can really do is try your best to be one of those solid men that hedo spoke of, so you'll have the best chance of attracting someone who is also solid.
    It makes me feel like a creep, a weirdo, a monster.
    It prevents me from dating but at the same time it makes it worse as it extends the time I have been single.
    I cannot bear to tell any date that I've never been in a relationship.
    I am in a similar situation. And have decided that if by some miracle I am meant to have a relationship again, it will have to be with someone who already knows me. Can't do the first date interview. I don't want to answer the, "have you ever been married?" question. I was married. We separated. He committed suicide. Nothing will ever be the same. My world ended, but my life did not. It's just too much.
    So, I'm just being friends with guys right now.
     And I also feel like a creep, weirdo, monster. Not because I'm alone, but because I just feel like I did everything wrong. And can't take any of it back.
  • HughFreakingDillon
    HughFreakingDillon Winnipeg Posts: 39,449
    OffSheGoes35 said:
    Thoughts_Arrive said:
    OffSheGoes35 said:
    Thoughts_Arrive, I can see why you would be discouraged after reading that article. Thinking about it, or attempting to anyway, from your point of view instead of my own...
    It's pretty rough out there. People have excess baggage like never before.
    All you can really do is try your best to be one of those solid men that hedo spoke of, so you'll have the best chance of attracting someone who is also solid.
    It makes me feel like a creep, a weirdo, a monster.
    It prevents me from dating but at the same time it makes it worse as it extends the time I have been single.
    I cannot bear to tell any date that I've never been in a relationship.
    I am in a similar situation. And have decided that if by some miracle I am meant to have a relationship again, it will have to be with someone who already knows me. Can't do the first date interview. I don't want to answer the, "have you ever been married?" question. I was married. We separated. He committed suicide. Nothing will ever be the same. My world ended, but my life did not. It's just too much.
    So, I'm just being friends with guys right now.
     And I also feel like a creep, weirdo, monster. Not because I'm alone, but because I just feel like I did everything wrong. And can't take any of it back.
    oh my god that's horrible. I can't imagine. So sorry. 
    Hugh Freaking Dillon is currently out of the office, returning sometime in the fall




  • Thirty Bills Unpaid
    Thirty Bills Unpaid Posts: 16,881
    OffSheGoes35 said:
    Thoughts_Arrive said:
    OffSheGoes35 said:
    Thoughts_Arrive, I can see why you would be discouraged after reading that article. Thinking about it, or attempting to anyway, from your point of view instead of my own...
    It's pretty rough out there. People have excess baggage like never before.
    All you can really do is try your best to be one of those solid men that hedo spoke of, so you'll have the best chance of attracting someone who is also solid.
    It makes me feel like a creep, a weirdo, a monster.
    It prevents me from dating but at the same time it makes it worse as it extends the time I have been single.
    I cannot bear to tell any date that I've never been in a relationship.
    I am in a similar situation. And have decided that if by some miracle I am meant to have a relationship again, it will have to be with someone who already knows me. Can't do the first date interview. I don't want to answer the, "have you ever been married?" question. I was married. We separated. He committed suicide. Nothing will ever be the same. My world ended, but my life did not. It's just too much.
    So, I'm just being friends with guys right now.
     And I also feel like a creep, weirdo, monster. Not because I'm alone, but because I just feel like I did everything wrong. And can't take any of it back.

    You're being excessively hard on yourself.
    "My brain's a good brain!"
  • OffSheGoes35
    OffSheGoes35 Posts: 3,517
    HughFreakingDillon said:
    OffSheGoes35 said:
    Thoughts_Arrive said:
    OffSheGoes35 said:
    Thoughts_Arrive, I can see why you would be discouraged after reading that article. Thinking about it, or attempting to anyway, from your point of view instead of my own...
    It's pretty rough out there. People have excess baggage like never before.
    All you can really do is try your best to be one of those solid men that hedo spoke of, so you'll have the best chance of attracting someone who is also solid.
    It makes me feel like a creep, a weirdo, a monster.
    It prevents me from dating but at the same time it makes it worse as it extends the time I have been single.
    I cannot bear to tell any date that I've never been in a relationship.
    I am in a similar situation. And have decided that if by some miracle I am meant to have a relationship again, it will have to be with someone who already knows me. Can't do the first date interview. I don't want to answer the, "have you ever been married?" question. I was married. We separated. He committed suicide. Nothing will ever be the same. My world ended, but my life did not. It's just too much.
    So, I'm just being friends with guys right now.
     And I also feel like a creep, weirdo, monster. Not because I'm alone, but because I just feel like I did everything wrong. And can't take any of it back.
    oh my god that's horrible. I can't imagine. So sorry. 
    Thank you. It is horrible. He should be here, alive. It was a big loss for everybody who knew him.
  • OffSheGoes35
    OffSheGoes35 Posts: 3,517

    Thirty Bills Unpaid said:
    OffSheGoes35 said:
    Thoughts_Arrive said:
    OffSheGoes35 said:
    Thoughts_Arrive, I can see why you would be discouraged after reading that article. Thinking about it, or attempting to anyway, from your point of view instead of my own...
    It's pretty rough out there. People have excess baggage like never before.
    All you can really do is try your best to be one of those solid men that hedo spoke of, so you'll have the best chance of attracting someone who is also solid.
    It makes me feel like a creep, a weirdo, a monster.
    It prevents me from dating but at the same time it makes it worse as it extends the time I have been single.
    I cannot bear to tell any date that I've never been in a relationship.
    I am in a similar situation. And have decided that if by some miracle I am meant to have a relationship again, it will have to be with someone who already knows me. Can't do the first date interview. I don't want to answer the, "have you ever been married?" question. I was married. We separated. He committed suicide. Nothing will ever be the same. My world ended, but my life did not. It's just too much.
    So, I'm just being friends with guys right now.
     And I also feel like a creep, weirdo, monster. Not because I'm alone, but because I just feel like I did everything wrong. And can't take any of it back.

    You're being excessively hard on yourself.
    Maybe, maybe not. Suicide does that to people. Makes you question everything. Sometimes you don't come out favorably when you weigh everything.
  • Thirty Bills Unpaid
    Thirty Bills Unpaid Posts: 16,881
    OffSheGoes35 said:

    Thirty Bills Unpaid said:
    OffSheGoes35 said:
    Thoughts_Arrive said:
    OffSheGoes35 said:
    Thoughts_Arrive, I can see why you would be discouraged after reading that article. Thinking about it, or attempting to anyway, from your point of view instead of my own...
    It's pretty rough out there. People have excess baggage like never before.
    All you can really do is try your best to be one of those solid men that hedo spoke of, so you'll have the best chance of attracting someone who is also solid.
    It makes me feel like a creep, a weirdo, a monster.
    It prevents me from dating but at the same time it makes it worse as it extends the time I have been single.
    I cannot bear to tell any date that I've never been in a relationship.
    I am in a similar situation. And have decided that if by some miracle I am meant to have a relationship again, it will have to be with someone who already knows me. Can't do the first date interview. I don't want to answer the, "have you ever been married?" question. I was married. We separated. He committed suicide. Nothing will ever be the same. My world ended, but my life did not. It's just too much.
    So, I'm just being friends with guys right now.
     And I also feel like a creep, weirdo, monster. Not because I'm alone, but because I just feel like I did everything wrong. And can't take any of it back.

    You're being excessively hard on yourself.
    Maybe, maybe not. Suicide does that to people. Makes you question everything. Sometimes you don't come out favorably when you weigh everything.

    I guess what I'm saying is you need to find a way to forgive yourself (for whatever wrongs you feel you've committed) and move forward in a way where your life has meaning, purpose, and joy.

    Easier said than done (I know). 
    "My brain's a good brain!"
  • OffSheGoes35
    OffSheGoes35 Posts: 3,517
    I don't want to derail everything. I just wanted to let Thoughts_Arrive know that first dates are for the birds.
  • rgambs
    rgambs Posts: 13,576
    OffSheGoes35 said:
    I don't want to derail everything. I just wanted to let Thoughts_Arrive know that first dates are for the birds.
    The internet is a great tool for getting to know someone without first date chicanery.
    Monkey Driven, Call this Living?
  • ConorKavanagh
    ConorKavanagh Ireland Posts: 1,148
    I met my girlfriend online. We chatted for 8 months before actually meeting in person. I had grown hopeless before this, saying never again etc.
    Dublin 2006
    Dublin 2010
    Madrid 2018
    Werchter 2022
    London 1 2022
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    Krakow 2022
  • Meltdown99
    Meltdown99 None Of Your Business... Posts: 10,739
    Thoughts_Arrive said:
    I often eat alone and go to the movies alone.
    It makes me sad because I am the only person alone, people around me are couples or a group/pair of friends.
    Makes me feel like a loser.
    It's not that unusual for people to movies/dinner by themselves...every-time I go to the movies I see people there by themselves...
    Give Peas A Chance…
  • oftenreading
    oftenreading Victoria, BC Posts: 12,856
    Meltdown99 said:
    Thoughts_Arrive said:
    I often eat alone and go to the movies alone.
    It makes me sad because I am the only person alone, people around me are couples or a group/pair of friends.
    Makes me feel like a loser.
    It's not that unusual for people to movies/dinner by themselves...every-time I go to the movies I see people there by themselves...
    Yes. It’s confirmation bias if you believe you’re the only one there alone, TA. 
    my small self... like a book amongst the many on a shelf
  • OffSheGoes35
    OffSheGoes35 Posts: 3,517
    Thirty Bills Unpaid said:
    OffSheGoes35 said:

    Thirty Bills Unpaid said:
    OffSheGoes35 said:
    Thoughts_Arrive said:
    OffSheGoes35 said:
    Thoughts_Arrive, I can see why you would be discouraged after reading that article. Thinking about it, or attempting to anyway, from your point of view instead of my own...
    It's pretty rough out there. People have excess baggage like never before.
    All you can really do is try your best to be one of those solid men that hedo spoke of, so you'll have the best chance of attracting someone who is also solid.
    It makes me feel like a creep, a weirdo, a monster.
    It prevents me from dating but at the same time it makes it worse as it extends the time I have been single.
    I cannot bear to tell any date that I've never been in a relationship.
    I am in a similar situation. And have decided that if by some miracle I am meant to have a relationship again, it will have to be with someone who already knows me. Can't do the first date interview. I don't want to answer the, "have you ever been married?" question. I was married. We separated. He committed suicide. Nothing will ever be the same. My world ended, but my life did not. It's just too much.
    So, I'm just being friends with guys right now.
     And I also feel like a creep, weirdo, monster. Not because I'm alone, but because I just feel like I did everything wrong. And can't take any of it back.

    You're being excessively hard on yourself.
    Maybe, maybe not. Suicide does that to people. Makes you question everything. Sometimes you don't come out favorably when you weigh everything.

    I guess what I'm saying is you need to find a way to forgive yourself (for whatever wrongs you feel you've committed) and move forward in a way where your life has meaning, purpose, and joy.

    Easier said than done (I know). 
    I understand you better now. And after re-reading that initial post I made, I can see why you said something. "My world ended, but my life did not", does not exactly scream "I'm not as hopeless as I may seem." But, I'm not as hopeless as I may seem. I can still laugh and be silly. The forgiveness thing is hard. And it manifests in self-sabotaging ways. So, I will take your words to heart, thirty. Thank you.
  • OffSheGoes35
    OffSheGoes35 Posts: 3,517
    Btw, you happy couples who have met online, give us hope. Quit it.  ;)

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