Happened to me. I got out of a common law marriage in my mid-30s (and a year of being harassed after that), and haven't looked back since. Being one half of a couple can be great of course, but the concept of this seems really overrated to me as well. I don't get why being in a relationship is still often viewed as the be all and end all in life. Not being in a relationship has some serious benefits too. I feel like making the state of being in a relationship a qualification for personal success and/or happiness could be a major mistake a lot of people make.
This! My sister, who's 21 years younger than me, is getting married in a few weeks. She has a college degree but still gets money from her parents for basic living expenses. My dad even bought her a car last year. Me, I've been financially independent since I was 18. But because I've never married it's like I'm lesser than. At a family gathering last year my dad declared 'well, at least one of my daughters is getting married'. He doesn't even like my sister's fiance. I've barely spoken to him since.
prick. no parent should ever say that about one of their kids. brutal. sorry you had to go through that.
Thanks. I know he's proud of me but he can be an asshole sometimes, more often than not. A few years back I lost a lot of weight and the first time he saw me he said 'well good, maybe now you'll get a boyfriend'. Yep, that's my dad.
Damn, I hope you sling it right back at him lol The comeback that sprang to mind was a zingy but loving.. "Well I'd probably be married with children, and grandchildren coming soon if I was willing to settle for a man like you!"
Happened to me. I got out of a common law marriage in my mid-30s (and a year of being harassed after that), and haven't looked back since. Being one half of a couple can be great of course, but the concept of this seems really overrated to me as well. I don't get why being in a relationship is still often viewed as the be all and end all in life. Not being in a relationship has some serious benefits too. I feel like making the state of being in a relationship a qualification for personal success and/or happiness could be a major mistake a lot of people make.
This! My sister, who's 21 years younger than me, is getting married in a few weeks. She has a college degree but still gets money from her parents for basic living expenses. My dad even bought her a car last year. Me, I've been financially independent since I was 18. But because I've never married it's like I'm lesser than. At a family gathering last year my dad declared 'well, at least one of my daughters is getting married'. He doesn't even like my sister's fiance. I've barely spoken to him since.
prick. no parent should ever say that about one of their kids. brutal. sorry you had to go through that.
Thanks. I know he's proud of me but he can be an asshole sometimes, more often than not. A few years back I lost a lot of weight and the first time he saw me he said 'well good, maybe now you'll get a boyfriend'. Yep, that's my dad.
Damn, I hope you sling it right back at him lol The comeback that sprang to mind was a zingy but loving.. "Well I'd probably be married with children, and grandchildren coming soon if I was willing to settle for a man like you!"
Happened to me. I got out of a common law marriage in my mid-30s (and a year of being harassed after that), and haven't looked back since. Being one half of a couple can be great of course, but the concept of this seems really overrated to me as well. I don't get why being in a relationship is still often viewed as the be all and end all in life. Not being in a relationship has some serious benefits too. I feel like making the state of being in a relationship a qualification for personal success and/or happiness could be a major mistake a lot of people make.
This! My sister, who's 21 years younger than me, is getting married in a few weeks. She has a college degree but still gets money from her parents for basic living expenses. My dad even bought her a car last year. Me, I've been financially independent since I was 18. But because I've never married it's like I'm lesser than. At a family gathering last year my dad declared 'well, at least one of my daughters is getting married'. He doesn't even like my sister's fiance. I've barely spoken to him since.
prick. no parent should ever say that about one of their kids. brutal. sorry you had to go through that.
Thanks. I know he's proud of me but he can be an asshole sometimes, more often than not. A few years back I lost a lot of weight and the first time he saw me he said 'well good, maybe now you'll get a boyfriend'. Yep, that's my dad.
Damn, I hope you sling it right back at him lol The comeback that sprang to mind was a zingy but loving.. "Well I'd probably be married with children, and grandchildren coming soon if I was willing to settle for a man like you!"
haha! It probably wouldn't faze him.
What if you just kicked his dick in?
I don't ever want this to happen to me .
I’m surprised that it never has.
hahahaha
I've made a habit of hanging out with the toughest guys I know!
There's also the speculation on my sexual orientation, people think never having had a girlfriend makes me gay.
You seem to think you are obligated to advertise this fact. How about you not bring it up on a dating profile or a first date? Then you don't have to worry about it! And if someone asks you about your dating past, all you have to say is, "I really haven't met anyone special yet." I agree that moving out of your parents' house would be a good first step.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy. ~ Desiderata
Thoughts_Arrive, I can see why you would be discouraged after reading that article. Thinking about it, or attempting to anyway, from your point of view instead of my own... It's pretty rough out there. People have excess baggage like never before. All you can really do is try your best to be one of those solid men that hedo spoke of, so you'll have the best chance of attracting someone who is also solid.
It makes me feel like a creep, a weirdo, a monster. It prevents me from dating but at the same time it makes it worse as it extends the time I have been single. I cannot bear to tell any date that I've never been in a relationship.
I am in a similar situation. And have decided that if by some miracle I am meant to have a relationship again, it will have to be with someone who already knows me. Can't do the first date interview. I don't want to answer the, "have you ever been married?" question. I was married. We separated. He committed suicide. Nothing will ever be the same. My world ended, but my life did not. It's just too much. So, I'm just being friends with guys right now. And I also feel like a creep, weirdo, monster. Not because I'm alone, but because I just feel like I did everything wrong. And can't take any of it back.
So sorry to hear. Have you sought counselling to try help you overcome your thoughts and feelings?
Thank you. I did go see a counselor for almost a year. I never really felt comfortable with her. So I pretty much just kept re-hashing feelings that were only on the surface. I think that probably drove us both a little mad.
I have sat across from numerous counselors over the past 20 years. You don't always click with each one. Just like everyone who sits across from them, each counselor is different. If you never felt comfortable with the one who you saw, there's probably one out there who you would feel comfortable with. I saw one a couple of years ago and after a while it felt like I was the one who was giving the therapy, so I quit turning up.
Dublin 2006 Dublin 2010 Madrid 2018 Werchter 2022 London 1 2022 London 2 2022 Krakow 2022
I have sat across from numerous counselors over the past 20 years. You don't always click with each one. Just like everyone who sits across from them, each counselor is different. If you never felt comfortable with the one who you saw, there's probably one out there who you would feel comfortable with. I saw one a couple of years ago and after a while it felt like I was the one who was giving the therapy, so I quit turning up.
There should be a match.com for counselors/patients.
And then when you walk into their office for the first time, they will have to play this song https://youtu.be/rbaoKL1Ei0c
0
brianlux
Moving through All Kinds of Terrain. Posts: 42,318
My curiosity is often engaged when I read about or hear people talk about counseling. In the 90's I needed counseling in a bad way. I saw a number of different counselors yet nothing seemed to be changing, I wasn't getting any better. So when I heard about a counseling training program called Human Services at our local college I decided to get into that program and see if I could learn something new. I did indeed (and in fact, after earning my degree and Human Services certificate, I went on to work as program assistant in that program for a number of years).
I can't summarize everything I learned in that program in a few paragraphs but some of the main points that seem most important to me from what I learned and taught are:
-We used Carl Rogers' person-centered therapy which relies a lot on the client taking an active role in his or her treatment with the therapist using empathy and being supportive. (Of course it's much more complex than that and worth looking up.)
-I found that short term, productive counseling with the goal of finding good coping methods as opposed to focusing on a causal past is more effective than long-term talking therapy (or what we sometimes referred to as "Hollywood Therapy"). That latter kind of therapy is great for the counselor's pay check but only helps most clients for brief periods of time leading to a nearly endless cycle of repeated visits.
-Use of strength "challenging" (helping someone discover their strengths).
-Helping a person "pick up their own penny"- a term the lead prof used to described guiding a client toward finding their own solutions and strengths rather than just handing them to them. When we discover our own strengths, those revelations stay with us much longer and better.
I also found that good counseling does not rely on asking questions. Clients subconsciously want to please their counselor so answers to questions often do not reveal what is really going on. In our counseling practice sessions, student helpers were literally never allowed to ask their practice "clients" any questions.
The other thing we frequently did was challenge a client when they said something like "it (or he or she, etc.) makes me feel" (and student helpers who used such terms were admonished for doing so). "It makes me" is very dis-empowering. The idea is to move someone from saying something like "My husband makes me feel inferior when he says I don't work hard enough." to the more accurate "I feel put down when my wife tells me I don't work hard enough". You may not change your husband, but you can change how you respond to your feelings. Things like that are subtle but powerful.
"Pretty cookies, heart squares all around, yeah!" -Eddie Vedder, "Smile"
I'm a disappointment to my parents. They're elderly now, dad 70, mum 68. They think they have another 10 years left alive and I guess they're sad that they believe they'll never see me get married and have kids. I have no desire to be a dad. I don't think I am fit for parenthood given my baggage. My nieces are now old enough to ask "why doesn't uncle have a girlfriend?".
As for online dating, not keen. Tinder is just a fuck fest. As for dating sites, I have nothing interesting to say about me on my profile nor any good photos (I don't get my photo taken often, very rarely). What can I say, 34, lives at home still, hardly any friends, never had a girlfriend. Red flags.
You do have control over a couple of those things. I hope you're able to kick yourself in the ass, even a bit, to improve your self-perception. First step.
B, wise words - made me think of Tull's Nothing is Easy. Because nothing is!
First Tull song I heard as I just looked it up on YouTube.
Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/2014
There's also the speculation on my sexual orientation, people think never having had a girlfriend makes me gay.
I say phooey to what some people say and think. You know who and what you are and anyone who tries to judge you that way is just plain wrong.
I've had the same situation a number of times in my life. I don't know what it is, but several people have mistaken me for being gay. I've had guys try to pick me up. Even my wife has told me she thought I was gay when we first met! That kind of thing used to bug me but now just figure well, maybe it's supposed to be a compliment. I mean, after all, I've had some very cool gay friends and although I'm not inclined towards having sex with other men, I don't mind at all that some men do- or that some women prefer women- it's all a matter of personal taste and it's all fine either way. But the bottom line- it's noboy's damn business either way.
Also, I've had guys call me "ma'am" a number of times. What's with that?! My hair? Am I a bit "hippie"? (My wife claims the word came from mamas with big hips who wear beads and such, but I think it originated as a spin off from the beatnik use of "hip"). Well, whatever. I just shrug it off. Besides, how many women have a soul patch (etc.!)?
Yeah, for sure it can be annoying when people say things about you that aren't true. But just remember that if they say things that are derisive or ridiculing, they are the ones with the problem, not you. Best not to give those people your time or energy.
Hedo- love that Tull song, "Nothing is Easy"!
Rather be gay than a macho meathead jock type of guy. I have nothing in common with them.
Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/2014
There's also the speculation on my sexual orientation, people think never having had a girlfriend makes me gay.
I say phooey to what some people say and think. You know who and what you are and anyone who tries to judge you that way is just plain wrong.
I've had the same situation a number of times in my life. I don't know what it is, but several people have mistaken me for being gay. I've had guys try to pick me up. Even my wife has told me she thought I was gay when we first met! That kind of thing used to bug me but now just figure well, maybe it's supposed to be a compliment. I mean, after all, I've had some very cool gay friends and although I'm not inclined towards having sex with other men, I don't mind at all that some men do- or that some women prefer women- it's all a matter of personal taste and it's all fine either way. But the bottom line- it's noboy's damn business either way.
Also, I've had guys call me "ma'am" a number of times. What's with that?! My hair? Am I a bit "hippie"? (My wife claims the word came from mamas with big hips who wear beads and such, but I think it originated as a spin off from the beatnik use of "hip"). Well, whatever. I just shrug it off. Besides, how many women have a soul patch (etc.!)?
Yeah, for sure it can be annoying when people say things about you that aren't true. But just remember that if they say things that are derisive or ridiculing, they are the ones with the problem, not you. Best not to give those people your time or energy.
Hedo- love that Tull song, "Nothing is Easy"!
Hey brian i have the same thing . But i think its because I'm open,both emotionally and speech wise both my ex wife and new partner "joke" saying i could be gay. I have no issue with gay. But find it a bit upsetting because i couldn't be straighter . I love females and i have no desire whatsoever for the same sex never have. What is with people . T.A you can do anything you wish . You are im a great position. No over heads . Living the life you choose. You can be anything you have a blank slate to start with. No past baggage. A great situation really. No heart break from past loves. Go for life . However you want to.
Thanks
Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/2014
I'm a disappointment to my parents. They're elderly now, dad 70, mum 68. They think they have another 10 years left alive and I guess they're sad that they believe they'll never see me get married and have kids. I have no desire to be a dad. I don't think I am fit for parenthood given my baggage. My nieces are now old enough to ask "why doesn't uncle have a girlfriend?".
As for online dating, not keen. Tinder is just a fuck fest. As for dating sites, I have nothing interesting to say about me on my profile nor any good photos (I don't get my photo taken often, very rarely). What can I say, 34, lives at home still, hardly any friends, never had a girlfriend. Red flags.
First, what the hell is wrong with a fuck fest???? Sex is literally the most exciting and enjoyable activity a human person can engage in!
Second, self-pity is not a feature that wears well on anyone. Do you have interests and hobbies? Of course you do, and that's what you would put on your dating profile. It's not some game of pretending to be the world's most interesting man, it's about finding someone who sees your interests as interesting because they are interested too. Interesting interestingness. You don't have any good photos? Well shit, that's a deal breaker, you'll be single forever because there is no possible way you could put on your good clothes, do your hair good, and smile for a selfie on the device currently in your hand.
You fail 100% of the times you don't even try!
Tinder is mainly full of people wanting one night stands, well here anyways, not sure what it's like in the US but I can guess it's the same? I'm looking for a long-term relationship.
Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/2014
I'm a disappointment to my parents. They're elderly now, dad 70, mum 68. They think they have another 10 years left alive and I guess they're sad that they believe they'll never see me get married and have kids. I have no desire to be a dad. I don't think I am fit for parenthood given my baggage. My nieces are now old enough to ask "why doesn't uncle have a girlfriend?".
As for online dating, not keen. Tinder is just a fuck fest. As for dating sites, I have nothing interesting to say about me on my profile nor any good photos (I don't get my photo taken often, very rarely). What can I say, 34, lives at home still, hardly any friends, never had a girlfriend. Red flags.
First, what the hell is wrong with a fuck fest???? Sex is literally the most exciting and enjoyable activity a human person can engage in!
Second, self-pity is not a feature that wears well on anyone. Do you have interests and hobbies? Of course you do, and that's what you would put on your dating profile. It's not some game of pretending to be the world's most interesting man, it's about finding someone who sees your interests as interesting because they are interested too. Interesting interestingness. You don't have any good photos? Well shit, that's a deal breaker, you'll be single forever because there is no possible way you could put on your good clothes, do your hair good, and smile for a selfie on the device currently in your hand.
You fail 100% of the times you don't even try!
This is very true. Go for it . Leap of faith but worth it.
Maybe set a goal of maybe six months and try to move out of your parents house. Living with your parents at age 34 I would think is a big red flag for women. I moved out of my parents house when I was 18 only to return when I was going through my divorce at age 32...man did it suck!!!!
I'm a full time university student. Unless I am working full time it will be very hard to afford to pay rent. I can't wait to leave this house though. I know in my previous post I mentioned I desire a relationship, I know that right now is not the best time as I really need to focus all my time and effort into my university studies as I need very high grades to be accepted into postgraduate study otherwise my undergraduate degree is all for nothing. I want to graduate with a masters degree and/or a phD to prove to my family I am not dumb and useless. I won't have time to commit to a partner given how much time my homework and study takes to do. When I graduate I am out of this house and looking for love but that won't happen until 2020-2022 :( The only place I have contact with the opposite sex is at university but they're 13-15 years younger than me. No thanks.
Post edited by Thoughts_Arrive on
Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/2014
There's also the speculation on my sexual orientation, people think never having had a girlfriend makes me gay.
You seem to think you are obligated to advertise this fact. How about you not bring it up on a dating profile or a first date? Then you don't have to worry about it! And if someone asks you about your dating past, all you have to say is, "I really haven't met anyone special yet." I agree that moving out of your parents' house would be a good first step.
The gay thing was to do with my family not any future girlfriend or dating profile. I get asked all the time by relatives, friends of my parents. The worst was at a real estate office I was working in for a month or so until I got fired for standing up to a bully. I got asked every day by one guy, he would always query my singledom. Then he told me I must masturbate a lot. I was so shocked I couldn't respond.
Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/2014
Thoughts_Arrive, I can see why you would be discouraged after reading that article. Thinking about it, or attempting to anyway, from your point of view instead of my own... It's pretty rough out there. People have excess baggage like never before. All you can really do is try your best to be one of those solid men that hedo spoke of, so you'll have the best chance of attracting someone who is also solid.
It makes me feel like a creep, a weirdo, a monster. It prevents me from dating but at the same time it makes it worse as it extends the time I have been single. I cannot bear to tell any date that I've never been in a relationship.
I am in a similar situation. And have decided that if by some miracle I am meant to have a relationship again, it will have to be with someone who already knows me. Can't do the first date interview. I don't want to answer the, "have you ever been married?" question. I was married. We separated. He committed suicide. Nothing will ever be the same. My world ended, but my life did not. It's just too much. So, I'm just being friends with guys right now. And I also feel like a creep, weirdo, monster. Not because I'm alone, but because I just feel like I did everything wrong. And can't take any of it back.
So sorry to hear. Have you sought counselling to try help you overcome your thoughts and feelings?
Thank you. I did go see a counselor for almost a year. I never really felt comfortable with her. So I pretty much just kept re-hashing feelings that were only on the surface. I think that probably drove us both a little mad.
I was fortunate to click with the first psychologist I saw. Keep trying I guess, it's a lottery.
Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/2014
My curiosity is often engaged when I read about or hear people talk about counseling. In the 90's I needed counseling in a bad way. I saw a number of different counselors yet nothing seemed to be changing, I wasn't getting any better. So when I heard about a counseling training program called Human Services at our local college I decided to get into that program and see if I could learn something new. I did indeed (and in fact, after earning my degree and Human Services certificate, I went on to work as program assistant in that program for a number of years).
I can't summarize everything I learned in that program in a few paragraphs but some of the main points that seem most important to me from what I learned and taught are:
-We used Carl Rogers' person-centered therapy which relies a lot on the client taking an active role in his or her treatment with the therapist using empathy and being supportive. (Of course it's much more complex than that and worth looking up.)
-I found that short term, productive counseling with the goal of finding good coping methods as opposed to focusing on a causal past is more effective than long-term talking therapy (or what we sometimes referred to as "Hollywood Therapy"). That latter kind of therapy is great for the counselor's pay check but only helps most clients for brief periods of time leading to a nearly endless cycle of repeated visits.
-Use of strength "challenging" (helping someone discover their strengths).
-Helping a person "pick up their own penny"- a term the lead prof used to described guiding a client toward finding their own solutions and strengths rather than just handing them to them. When we discover our own strengths, those revelations stay with us much longer and better.
I also found that good counseling does not rely on asking questions. Clients subconsciously want to please their counselor so answers to questions often do not reveal what is really going on. In our counseling practice sessions, student helpers were literally never allowed to ask their practice "clients" any questions.
The other thing we frequently did was challenge a client when they said something like "it (or he or she, etc.) makes me feel" (and student helpers who used such terms were admonished for doing so). "It makes me" is very dis-empowering. The idea is to move someone from saying something like "My husband makes me feel inferior when he says I don't work hard enough." to the more accurate "I feel put down when my wife tells me I don't work hard enough". You may not change your husband, but you can change how you respond to your feelings. Things like that are subtle but powerful.
I am currently learning about all the various counselling approaches this semester at university. We looked at Carl Rogers and his person centred therapy a few weeks ago. Paraphrasing and reflection of feelings is powerful. We watched this video in a lecture: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m30jsZx_Ngs
Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/2014
There's also the speculation on my sexual orientation, people think never having had a girlfriend makes me gay.
I say phooey to what some people say and think. You know who and what you are and anyone who tries to judge you that way is just plain wrong.
I've had the same situation a number of times in my life. I don't know what it is, but several people have mistaken me for being gay. I've had guys try to pick me up. Even my wife has told me she thought I was gay when we first met! That kind of thing used to bug me but now just figure well, maybe it's supposed to be a compliment. I mean, after all, I've had some very cool gay friends and although I'm not inclined towards having sex with other men, I don't mind at all that some men do- or that some women prefer women- it's all a matter of personal taste and it's all fine either way. But the bottom line- it's noboy's damn business either way.
Also, I've had guys call me "ma'am" a number of times. What's with that?! My hair? Am I a bit "hippie"? (My wife claims the word came from mamas with big hips who wear beads and such, but I think it originated as a spin off from the beatnik use of "hip"). Well, whatever. I just shrug it off. Besides, how many women have a soul patch (etc.!)?
Yeah, for sure it can be annoying when people say things about you that aren't true. But just remember that if they say things that are derisive or ridiculing, they are the ones with the problem, not you. Best not to give those people your time or energy.
Hedo- love that Tull song, "Nothing is Easy"!
Rather be gay than a macho meathead jock type of guy. I have nothing in common with them.
Macho meathead jock types can be gay, too. Pretty much any "type" of person can be gay.
my small self... like a book amongst the many on a shelf
There's also the speculation on my sexual orientation, people think never having had a girlfriend makes me gay.
I say phooey to what some people say and think. You know who and what you are and anyone who tries to judge you that way is just plain wrong.
I've had the same situation a number of times in my life. I don't know what it is, but several people have mistaken me for being gay. I've had guys try to pick me up. Even my wife has told me she thought I was gay when we first met! That kind of thing used to bug me but now just figure well, maybe it's supposed to be a compliment. I mean, after all, I've had some very cool gay friends and although I'm not inclined towards having sex with other men, I don't mind at all that some men do- or that some women prefer women- it's all a matter of personal taste and it's all fine either way. But the bottom line- it's noboy's damn business either way.
Also, I've had guys call me "ma'am" a number of times. What's with that?! My hair? Am I a bit "hippie"? (My wife claims the word came from mamas with big hips who wear beads and such, but I think it originated as a spin off from the beatnik use of "hip"). Well, whatever. I just shrug it off. Besides, how many women have a soul patch (etc.!)?
Yeah, for sure it can be annoying when people say things about you that aren't true. But just remember that if they say things that are derisive or ridiculing, they are the ones with the problem, not you. Best not to give those people your time or energy.
Hedo- love that Tull song, "Nothing is Easy"!
Rather be gay than a macho meathead jock type of guy. I have nothing in common with them.
Macho meathead jock types can be gay, too. Pretty much any "type" of person can be gay.
Yeah I know. Just saying that femininity is more associated with gay men.
Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/2014
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brianlux
Moving through All Kinds of Terrain. Posts: 42,318
Good article. I can see a lot of myself in what the author says. I've never had a lot of what I would call close friends and rarely more than one close friend at any one time. For several years now, I've only had one close friend- my wife. There are a good number of people I care for and I have several friends via the internet but in terms of friends living close to me, someone I can call and say, "Hey, what's up? Let's get together and do something"? None right now besides my wife. And she has many friends with whom she goes out and does things while I stay at home and talk to the cat. Damn cat never says a word in reply. Oh well, I love her anyway.
"Pretty cookies, heart squares all around, yeah!" -Eddie Vedder, "Smile"
Good article. I can see a lot of myself in what the author says. I've never had a lot of what I would call close friends and rarely more than one close friend at any one time. For several years now, I've only had one close friend- my wife. There are a good number of people I care for and I have several friends via the internet but in terms of friends living close to me, someone I can call and say, "Hey, what's up? Let's get together and do something"? None right now besides my wife. And she has many friends with whom she goes out and does things while I stay at home and talk to the cat. Damn cat never says a word in reply. Oh well, I love her anyway.
Get a dog
0
brianlux
Moving through All Kinds of Terrain. Posts: 42,318
Good article. I can see a lot of myself in what the author says. I've never had a lot of what I would call close friends and rarely more than one close friend at any one time. For several years now, I've only had one close friend- my wife. There are a good number of people I care for and I have several friends via the internet but in terms of friends living close to me, someone I can call and say, "Hey, what's up? Let's get together and do something"? None right now besides my wife. And she has many friends with whom she goes out and does things while I stay at home and talk to the cat. Damn cat never says a word in reply. Oh well, I love her anyway.
Get a dog
I've had dogs and they're great but there are places I like to go to out of doors like state and national parks where having a dog is a major hassle. I can leave our cat at home and go to places like that without any worries. Maybe when I really old and feeble and not able to get out I'll get a dog again, but not for now.
"Pretty cookies, heart squares all around, yeah!" -Eddie Vedder, "Smile"
Good article. I can see a lot of myself in what the author says. I've never had a lot of what I would call close friends and rarely more than one close friend at any one time. For several years now, I've only had one close friend- my wife. There are a good number of people I care for and I have several friends via the internet but in terms of friends living close to me, someone I can call and say, "Hey, what's up? Let's get together and do something"? None right now besides my wife. And she has many friends with whom she goes out and does things while I stay at home and talk to the cat. Damn cat never says a word in reply. Oh well, I love her anyway.
Sorry to hear Brian. Are there groups you can join in your area that share the same hobbie(s)? I'd say I have 3 friends and I go back a long way with them. Sad thing is, life gets in the way. I haven't seen my old friend from primary (elementary as you say in the US) school in 2 years. Can't believe it's been 2 years. It's so sad. He invited me to his birthday party in 2 weeks time which I look forward to. We always talk of catching up but it never happens. I am in my bubble with university trying so hard to make it to honours that I sacrifice a social life and my art/music. My other friend is also from primary school, once again, life. He's busy with being a singer songwriter and recording music. Last time I saw him was a few months ago at his gig. My other friend, old neighbour, went to high school with, once again, life. Haven't seen him in 3 months. Everyone is busy. But it does feel lonely. I can't just call anyone up and say 'hey let's go out' because they've got their long term girlfriends and are busy with work/life. I also feel guilty, I closed my Facebook and my friend who I haven't seen in 2 years didn't have my phone number. I became a Luke Skywalker hermit and shut everyone off because I felt like noone cares. I used to have more "friends" 10 or so years ago but they were never true friends, just drinking/partying buddies that just wanted me around as a going out buddy, no deep and meaningful conversations with them, no real connection, nothing really in common. If I can see the 3 friends I listed above more often I'd be content in life. I don't feel like I need 100 friends, just really close friends who I am connected with. I just fear what will happen when everyone has kids. I always fear losing the ones I love and it makes me sad.
Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/2014
0
brianlux
Moving through All Kinds of Terrain. Posts: 42,318
Good article. I can see a lot of myself in what the author says. I've never had a lot of what I would call close friends and rarely more than one close friend at any one time. For several years now, I've only had one close friend- my wife. There are a good number of people I care for and I have several friends via the internet but in terms of friends living close to me, someone I can call and say, "Hey, what's up? Let's get together and do something"? None right now besides my wife. And she has many friends with whom she goes out and does things while I stay at home and talk to the cat. Damn cat never says a word in reply. Oh well, I love her anyway.
Sorry to hear Brian. Are there groups you can join in your area that share the same hobbie(s)? I'd say I have 3 friends and I go back a long way with them. Sad thing is, life gets in the way. I haven't seen my old friend from primary (elementary as you say in the US) school in 2 years. Can't believe it's been 2 years. It's so sad. He invited me to his birthday party in 2 weeks time which I look forward to. We always talk of catching up but it never happens. I am in my bubble with university trying so hard to make it to honours that I sacrifice a social life and my art/music. My other friend is also from primary school, once again, life. He's busy with being a singer songwriter and recording music. Last time I saw him was a few months ago at his gig. My other friend, old neighbour, went to high school with, once again, life. Haven't seen him in 3 months. Everyone is busy. But it does feel lonely. I can't just call anyone up and say 'hey let's go out' because they've got their long term girlfriends and are busy with work/life. I also feel guilty, I closed my Facebook and my friend who I haven't seen in 2 years didn't have my phone number. I became a Luke Skywalker hermit and shut everyone off because I felt like noone cares. I used to have more "friends" 10 or so years ago but they were never true friends, just drinking/partying buddies that just wanted me around as a going out buddy, no deep and meaningful conversations with them, no real connection, nothing really in common. If I can see the 3 friends I listed above more often I'd be content in life. I don't feel like I need 100 friends, just really close friends who I am connected with. I just fear what will happen when everyone has kids. I always fear losing the ones I love and it makes me sad.
Thanks for good thoughts, Thoughts. I really should put myself out there more but instead I seem to become more and more reclusive. I had a real downer of a parting-of-ways with the last close buddy of mine a ways back. That has to be a factor.
A big part of the problem for me is my hearing issues. Because I have hyperacusis, it's really hard to go out to bars, restaurants and especially to live music shows which was such a huge part of my life in the past. Even with earplugs it difficult. The one time I saw Pearl Jam live, I wore ear plugs and industrial head phones and still had pain in my ears for a weak after (but what a show- worth the pain!)
So now I have a number of on-line friends on a few places (especially here on the Ten Club forums) and that makes up the majority of my social life.
I'm thankful for this place and you good people!
"Pretty cookies, heart squares all around, yeah!" -Eddie Vedder, "Smile"
Comments
hahahaha
I've made a habit of hanging out with the toughest guys I know!
I agree that moving out of your parents' house would be a good first step.
Arthritis does, though. Seriously, did you know that arthritis makes you gay?
It made Ben Gay.
(Tip your server.)
-EV 8/14/93
I did go see a counselor for almost a year. I never really felt comfortable with her. So I pretty much just kept re-hashing feelings that were only on the surface. I think that probably drove us both a little mad.
Dublin 2010
Madrid 2018
Werchter 2022
London 1 2022
London 2 2022
Krakow 2022
I can't summarize everything I learned in that program in a few paragraphs but some of the main points that seem most important to me from what I learned and taught are:
-We used Carl Rogers' person-centered therapy which relies a lot on the client taking an active role in his or her treatment with the therapist using empathy and being supportive. (Of course it's much more complex than that and worth looking up.)
-I found that short term, productive counseling with the goal of finding good coping methods as opposed to focusing on a causal past is more effective than long-term talking therapy (or what we sometimes referred to as "Hollywood Therapy"). That latter kind of therapy is great for the counselor's pay check but only helps most clients for brief periods of time leading to a nearly endless cycle of repeated visits.
-Use of strength "challenging" (helping someone discover their strengths).
-Helping a person "pick up their own penny"- a term the lead prof used to described guiding a client toward finding their own solutions and strengths rather than just handing them to them. When we discover our own strengths, those revelations stay with us much longer and better.
I also found that good counseling does not rely on asking questions. Clients subconsciously want to please their counselor so answers to questions often do not reveal what is really going on. In our counseling practice sessions, student helpers were literally never allowed to ask their practice "clients" any questions.
The other thing we frequently did was challenge a client when they said something like "it (or he or she, etc.) makes me feel" (and student helpers who used such terms were admonished for doing so). "It makes me" is very dis-empowering. The idea is to move someone from saying something like "My husband makes me feel inferior when he says I don't work hard enough." to the more accurate "I feel put down when my wife tells me I don't work hard enough". You may not change your husband, but you can change how you respond to your feelings. Things like that are subtle but powerful.
-Eddie Vedder, "Smile"
I'm looking for a long-term relationship.
I can't wait to leave this house though.
I know in my previous post I mentioned I desire a relationship, I know that right now is not the best time as I really need to focus all my time and effort into my university studies as I need very high grades to be accepted into postgraduate study otherwise my undergraduate degree is all for nothing. I want to graduate with a masters degree and/or a phD to prove to my family I am not dumb and useless. I won't have time to commit to a partner given how much time my homework and study takes to do. When I graduate I am out of this house and looking for love but that won't happen until 2020-2022 :(
The only place I have contact with the opposite sex is at university but they're 13-15 years younger than me. No thanks.
She says some very nasty things about them and ridicules them.
I get asked all the time by relatives, friends of my parents.
The worst was at a real estate office I was working in for a month or so until I got fired for standing up to a bully.
I got asked every day by one guy, he would always query my singledom.
Then he told me I must masturbate a lot.
I was so shocked I couldn't respond.
Keep trying I guess, it's a lottery.
We looked at Carl Rogers and his person centred therapy a few weeks ago.
Paraphrasing and reflection of feelings is powerful.
We watched this video in a lecture:
https://www.theage.com.au/lifestyle/life-and-relationships/successful-career-happy-marriage-so-why-don-t-i-have-any-friends-20180405-p4z7vf.html
Macho meathead jock types can be gay, too. Pretty much any "type" of person can be gay.
-Eddie Vedder, "Smile"
-Eddie Vedder, "Smile"
Dublin 2010
Madrid 2018
Werchter 2022
London 1 2022
London 2 2022
Krakow 2022
Are there groups you can join in your area that share the same hobbie(s)?
I'd say I have 3 friends and I go back a long way with them.
Sad thing is, life gets in the way.
I haven't seen my old friend from primary (elementary as you say in the US) school in 2 years. Can't believe it's been 2 years.
It's so sad. He invited me to his birthday party in 2 weeks time which I look forward to.
We always talk of catching up but it never happens. I am in my bubble with university trying so hard to make it to honours that I sacrifice a social life and my art/music.
My other friend is also from primary school, once again, life. He's busy with being a singer songwriter and recording music. Last time I saw him was a few months ago at his gig.
My other friend, old neighbour, went to high school with, once again, life. Haven't seen him in 3 months.
Everyone is busy.
But it does feel lonely. I can't just call anyone up and say 'hey let's go out' because they've got their long term girlfriends and are busy with work/life.
I also feel guilty, I closed my Facebook and my friend who I haven't seen in 2 years didn't have my phone number. I became a Luke Skywalker hermit and shut everyone off because I felt like noone cares.
I used to have more "friends" 10 or so years ago but they were never true friends, just drinking/partying buddies that just wanted me around as a going out buddy, no deep and meaningful conversations with them, no real connection, nothing really in common.
If I can see the 3 friends I listed above more often I'd be content in life.
I don't feel like I need 100 friends, just really close friends who I am connected with.
I just fear what will happen when everyone has kids.
I always fear losing the ones I love and it makes me sad.
A big part of the problem for me is my hearing issues. Because I have hyperacusis, it's really hard to go out to bars, restaurants and especially to live music shows which was such a huge part of my life in the past. Even with earplugs it difficult. The one time I saw Pearl Jam live, I wore ear plugs and industrial head phones and still had pain in my ears for a weak after (but what a show- worth the pain!)
So now I have a number of on-line friends on a few places (especially here on the Ten Club forums) and that makes up the majority of my social life.
I'm thankful for this place and you good people!
-Eddie Vedder, "Smile"