Dying alone

PJ_Soul · April 2018

Thoughts_Arrive said:

I read an article in the newspaper about some dating expert and she said that if a guy hasn't had a girlfriend by close to my age then it's a big red flag and she would avoid them. Makes me sad.

"Of course, not having committed before 40 or even 50 doesn't mean a man will never commit. But if he has never had a serious relationship by that age, alarm bells should be ringing."

https://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/life-and-relationships/the-red-flags-of-dating-20180329-p4z6u9.html

Kay, but this (true or not) probably has nothing to do with dying alone. Having a partner before 40 (or at any age) does literally nothing to guarantee you won't die alone.

OffSheGoes35 · April 2018

Thoughts_Arrive, I can see why you would be discouraged after reading that article. Thinking about it, or attempting to anyway, from your point of view instead of my own...
It's pretty rough out there. People have excess baggage like never before.
All you can really do is try your best to be one of those solid men that hedo spoke of, so you'll have the best chance of attracting someone who is also solid.

HughFreakingDillon · April 2018

buddy of mine, guy I work with, went to high school with as well.

married at 23.
divorced at 29 with no kids (she was cheating on him with her boss, who she is now married to with kids)
was in a long term relationship, about 10 years, who broke it off for "unknown reasons" about 8 months ago. here he is, super nice, very attractive, sensitive, in great shape, plays sports, loves life, etc. and he's single. again. at 45. back living alone in a condo without his dog.

it happens to all kinds.

PJ_Soul · April 2018

Happened to me. I got out of a common law marriage in my mid-30s (and a year of being harassed after that), and haven't looked back since. Being one half of a couple can be great of course, but the concept of this seems really overrated to me as well. I don't get why being in a relationship is still often viewed as the be all and end all in life. Not being in a relationship has some serious benefits too. I feel like making the state of being in a relationship a qualification for personal success and/or happiness could be a major mistake a lot of people make.

HughFreakingDillon · April 2018

PJ_Soul said:

Happened to me. I got out of a common law marriage in my mid-30s (and a year of being harassed after that), and haven't looked back since. Being one half of a couple can be great of course, but the concept of this seems really overrated to me as well. I don't get why being in a relationship is still often viewed as the be all and end all in life. Not being in a relationship has some serious benefits too. I feel like making the state of being in a relationship a qualification for personal success and/or happiness could be a major mistake a lot of people make.

agreed. i was texting this same friend over the holiday weekend, and I just said "just enjoy your present", and he is working at that. he's just a guy who loves being in a relationship. not in any unhealthy or dependent way, he just likes the company of a partner.

when my ex and I broke it off after 5 years, that 2 year gap before my wife and I got together were some of the best of my life up to that point. being alone really is the best method of self-discovery.

PJ_Soul · April 2018

HughFreakingDillon said:

PJ_Soul said:

Happened to me. I got out of a common law marriage in my mid-30s (and a year of being harassed after that), and haven't looked back since. Being one half of a couple can be great of course, but the concept of this seems really overrated to me as well. I don't get why being in a relationship is still often viewed as the be all and end all in life. Not being in a relationship has some serious benefits too. I feel like making the state of being in a relationship a qualification for personal success and/or happiness could be a major mistake a lot of people make.

agreed. i was texting this same friend over the holiday weekend, and I just said "just enjoy your present", and he is working at that. he's just a guy who loves being in a relationship. not in any unhealthy or dependent way, he just likes the company of a partner.

when my ex and I broke it off after 5 years, that 2 year gap before my wife and I got together were some of the best of my life up to that point. being alone really is the best method of self-discovery.

For sure. But yeah, good point. Some people just get lonely when they are alone more, and other people don't. That makes a big difference to how awesome it is to be single or in a relationship I'm sure. Me, I never get lonely (I might without a pet? I've had a pet for about 20 years straight, so I have no idea, lol). So being single indefinitely feels like a completely pleasant option to me. But for someone who gets lonely easily, being single indefinitely might feel like the worst option next to death I suppose. I guess it's just about natural disposition to a great extent. Where it gets unsettling is when societal norms and socialization are what's dictating these states of living rather than natural disposition. I've known so many people who think everyone "ought" to be in a relationship. It's this thinking that I think leads many to be in relationships that are totally wrong for them - they feel like if they quit it or don't pick it up in the first place, they are failures. It's a bullshit stigma that I believe many fall prey to.

mcgruff10 · April 2018

PJ_Soul said:

Happened to me. I got out of a common law marriage in my mid-30s (and a year of being harassed after that), and haven't looked back since. Being one half of a couple can be great of course, but the concept of this seems really overrated to me as well. I don't get why being in a relationship is still often viewed as the be all and end all in life. Not being in a relationship has some serious benefits too. I feel like making the state of being in a relationship a qualification for personal success and/or happiness could be a major mistake a lot of people make.

Forgive me for my ignorance but what is a common law marriage? Is that living with someone for a set number of years but not legally getting married?

jnimhaoileoin · April 2018

PJ_Soul said:

HughFreakingDillon said:

PJ_Soul said:

Happened to me. I got out of a common law marriage in my mid-30s (and a year of being harassed after that), and haven't looked back since. Being one half of a couple can be great of course, but the concept of this seems really overrated to me as well. I don't get why being in a relationship is still often viewed as the be all and end all in life. Not being in a relationship has some serious benefits too. I feel like making the state of being in a relationship a qualification for personal success and/or happiness could be a major mistake a lot of people make.

agreed. i was texting this same friend over the holiday weekend, and I just said "just enjoy your present", and he is working at that. he's just a guy who loves being in a relationship. not in any unhealthy or dependent way, he just likes the company of a partner.

when my ex and I broke it off after 5 years, that 2 year gap before my wife and I got together were some of the best of my life up to that point. being alone really is the best method of self-discovery.

For sure. But yeah, good point. Some people just get lonely when they are alone more, and other people don't. That makes a big difference to how awesome it is to be single or in a relationship I'm sure. Me, I never get lonely (I might without a pet? I've had a pet for about 20 years straight, so I have no idea, lol). So being single indefinitely feels like a completely pleasant option to me. But for someone who gets lonely easily, being single indefinitely might feel like the worst option next to death I suppose. I guess it's just about natural disposition to a great extent. Where it gets unsettling is when societal norms and socialization are what's dictating these states of living rather than natural disposition. I've known so many people who think everyone "ought" to be in a relationship. It's this thinking that I think leads many to be in relationships that are totally wrong for them - they feel like if they quit it or don't pick it up in the first place, they are failures. It's a bullshit stigma that I believe many fall prey to.

Yeah I spent years thinking I was a freak because I've never been in a relationship. I realise now that my feelings were mostly due to me buying into societal expectations and social norms. We're raised to think that we're meant to meet someone, get married and have kids. To do otherwise is breaking from the norm and thus undesirable and a negative reflection on you as a person and your worth to society.

I'm much happier now that I have embraced my nature as an introvert and accepted that being alone is ok if it's what you're comfortable with. I'm still curious and wonder what it would be like to be in a relationship but I don't feel like as much of a reject as I used to

PJ_Soul · April 2018

jnimhaoileoin said:

PJ_Soul said:

HughFreakingDillon said:

PJ_Soul said:

Happened to me. I got out of a common law marriage in my mid-30s (and a year of being harassed after that), and haven't looked back since. Being one half of a couple can be great of course, but the concept of this seems really overrated to me as well. I don't get why being in a relationship is still often viewed as the be all and end all in life. Not being in a relationship has some serious benefits too. I feel like making the state of being in a relationship a qualification for personal success and/or happiness could be a major mistake a lot of people make.

agreed. i was texting this same friend over the holiday weekend, and I just said "just enjoy your present", and he is working at that. he's just a guy who loves being in a relationship. not in any unhealthy or dependent way, he just likes the company of a partner.

when my ex and I broke it off after 5 years, that 2 year gap before my wife and I got together were some of the best of my life up to that point. being alone really is the best method of self-discovery.

For sure. But yeah, good point. Some people just get lonely when they are alone more, and other people don't. That makes a big difference to how awesome it is to be single or in a relationship I'm sure. Me, I never get lonely (I might without a pet? I've had a pet for about 20 years straight, so I have no idea, lol). So being single indefinitely feels like a completely pleasant option to me. But for someone who gets lonely easily, being single indefinitely might feel like the worst option next to death I suppose. I guess it's just about natural disposition to a great extent. Where it gets unsettling is when societal norms and socialization are what's dictating these states of living rather than natural disposition. I've known so many people who think everyone "ought" to be in a relationship. It's this thinking that I think leads many to be in relationships that are totally wrong for them - they feel like if they quit it or don't pick it up in the first place, they are failures. It's a bullshit stigma that I believe many fall prey to.

Yeah I spent years thinking I was a freak because I've never been in a relationship. I realise now that my feelings were mostly due to me buying into societal expectations and social norms. We're raised to think that we're meant to meet someone, get married and have kids. To do otherwise is breaking from the norm and thus undesirable and a negative reflection on you as a person and your worth to society.

I'm much happier now that I have embraced my nature as an introvert and accepted that being alone is ok if it's what you're comfortable with. I'm still curious and wonder what it would be like to be in a relationship but I don't feel like as much of a reject as I used to

That is awesome!! It's really not easy to break with stupid social norms IMO. Even if one knows they're stupid, which often isn't the case, just dealing with the knowledge that other people may be holding judgement for decisions to break stupid social norms can be hard. It takes courage to do this I think, especially when someone is in a community or surrounded by friends and family who really hold those societal expectations dear and take them to heart (this reminds me of that convo we all had about not having kids... I hope nobody comes and tells me it takes no courage to break with societal and familial expectations either, because that could derail the thread again

). My hope is that someday, soon enough, such old fashioned and one-note expectations will be viewed by society in general as completely archaic.

HughFreakingDillon · April 2018

PJ_Soul said:

HughFreakingDillon said:

PJ_Soul said:

Happened to me. I got out of a common law marriage in my mid-30s (and a year of being harassed after that), and haven't looked back since. Being one half of a couple can be great of course, but the concept of this seems really overrated to me as well. I don't get why being in a relationship is still often viewed as the be all and end all in life. Not being in a relationship has some serious benefits too. I feel like making the state of being in a relationship a qualification for personal success and/or happiness could be a major mistake a lot of people make.

agreed. i was texting this same friend over the holiday weekend, and I just said "just enjoy your present", and he is working at that. he's just a guy who loves being in a relationship. not in any unhealthy or dependent way, he just likes the company of a partner.

when my ex and I broke it off after 5 years, that 2 year gap before my wife and I got together were some of the best of my life up to that point. being alone really is the best method of self-discovery.

For sure. But yeah, good point. Some people just get lonely when they are alone more, and other people don't. That makes a big difference to how awesome it is to be single or in a relationship I'm sure. Me, I never get lonely (I might without a pet? I've had a pet for about 20 years straight, so I have no idea, lol). So being single indefinitely feels like a completely pleasant option to me. But for someone who gets lonely easily, being single indefinitely might feel like the worst option next to death I suppose. I guess it's just about natural disposition to a great extent. Where it gets unsettling is when societal norms and socialization are what's dictating these states of living rather than natural disposition. I've known so many people who think everyone "ought" to be in a relationship. It's this thinking that I think leads many to be in relationships that are totally wrong for them - they feel like if they quit it or don't pick it up in the first place, they are failures. It's a bullshit stigma that I believe many fall prey to.

it also depends completely on circumstances, at least for me. i was only 24 at the time I became single. my social life with other friends more than made up for any loneliness I might have felt, plus I was working two jobs and had endless energy. Now? with all my friends married and having families? it would most certainly affect me differently. So i can see that end of it as well. others are way more inclined to seek out other singles and join groups and do things alone. I don't know that I would be.

I watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall last week. Peter (Jason Segal's character) showed up at a restaurant alone, and Jonah Hill's character (as the restaurant's host) made this massive embarassing deal about it, about how bored he was going to be, asking if he wanted a magazine or something. It reminded me of a time a few years back, I had no one to go to lunch with, so I thought "fuck it, I'm going out anyway". i went to the Keg near my work alone. the waiter ACTUALLY SAID "for one? seriously? did you want a newspaper or something?" and kept checking on me to make sure I was ok. I couldn't believe it. i didn't feel pathetic going in. But I sort of did while I was there.

HughFreakingDillon · April 2018

mcgruff10 said:

PJ_Soul said:

Happened to me. I got out of a common law marriage in my mid-30s (and a year of being harassed after that), and haven't looked back since. Being one half of a couple can be great of course, but the concept of this seems really overrated to me as well. I don't get why being in a relationship is still often viewed as the be all and end all in life. Not being in a relationship has some serious benefits too. I feel like making the state of being in a relationship a qualification for personal success and/or happiness could be a major mistake a lot of people make.

Forgive me for my ignorance but what is a common law marriage? Is that living with someone for a set number of years but not legally getting married?

depending on the laws where you live, yes, it is living under the same roof for a determined amount of time and you are considered, for tax and other purposes, "common law married".

HughFreakingDillon · April 2018

PJ_Soul said:

HughFreakingDillon said:

PJ_Soul said:

Happened to me. I got out of a common law marriage in my mid-30s (and a year of being harassed after that), and haven't looked back since. Being one half of a couple can be great of course, but the concept of this seems really overrated to me as well. I don't get why being in a relationship is still often viewed as the be all and end all in life. Not being in a relationship has some serious benefits too. I feel like making the state of being in a relationship a qualification for personal success and/or happiness could be a major mistake a lot of people make.

agreed. i was texting this same friend over the holiday weekend, and I just said "just enjoy your present", and he is working at that. he's just a guy who loves being in a relationship. not in any unhealthy or dependent way, he just likes the company of a partner.

when my ex and I broke it off after 5 years, that 2 year gap before my wife and I got together were some of the best of my life up to that point. being alone really is the best method of self-discovery.

For sure. But yeah, good point. Some people just get lonely when they are alone more, and other people don't. That makes a big difference to how awesome it is to be single or in a relationship I'm sure. Me, I never get lonely (I might without a pet? I've had a pet for about 20 years straight, so I have no idea, lol). So being single indefinitely feels like a completely pleasant option to me. But for someone who gets lonely easily, being single indefinitely might feel like the worst option next to death I suppose. I guess it's just about natural disposition to a great extent. Where it gets unsettling is when societal norms and socialization are what's dictating these states of living rather than natural disposition. I've known so many people who think everyone "ought" to be in a relationship. It's this thinking that I think leads many to be in relationships that are totally wrong for them - they feel like if they quit it or don't pick it up in the first place, they are failures. It's a bullshit stigma that I believe many fall prey to.

I will admit that it was only when Facebook came into my life that I realized how many of my high school peers were childless and/or single. I was SHOCKED. mainly because about 95% of my close friends were all married. the only guy that wasn't is a super introverted, kind of a Silent Bob type. I naively always just assumed that everyone got married and had kids. or at least wanted to. Then I realized that it's actually a good thing that more and more people aren't. We don't need more people on the planet! (I say this as a very proud father of two, but sometimes I can't help but wonder what I've set them up for). And I also recalled my happy single time, and realized that it's so sad that so many people feel like "failures" or pressured into not being single. How ridiculous. How many other mammals are monogomous? a miniscule amount. it's honestly not natural. if it was, my interest in the opposite sex would have shut off unless it was just my wife I'm looking at.

Sorry. not the case at ALL.

PJ_Soul · April 2018

HughFreakingDillon said:

mcgruff10 said:

PJ_Soul said:

Happened to me. I got out of a common law marriage in my mid-30s (and a year of being harassed after that), and haven't looked back since. Being one half of a couple can be great of course, but the concept of this seems really overrated to me as well. I don't get why being in a relationship is still often viewed as the be all and end all in life. Not being in a relationship has some serious benefits too. I feel like making the state of being in a relationship a qualification for personal success and/or happiness could be a major mistake a lot of people make.

Forgive me for my ignorance but what is a common law marriage? Is that living with someone for a set number of years but not legally getting married?

depending on the laws where you live, yes, it is living under the same roof for a determined amount of time and you are considered, for tax and other purposes, "common law married".

Yes, that's right. In many ways it is equal to marriage under the law (mainly for the sake of taxes and property ownership and shared finances and child custody issues and medical decisions for spouses), but you just don't go through the actual marriage part. Although a word to the wise, when it comes to child custody issues, it is still more beneficial to actually be married. Many think that common law marriages protect parents (usually dads) in custody issues under the law in the same way, but that isn't really true. There are some protections, but they aren't as solid as those under actual marriage. This is why I would suggest to anyone, and especially men, who has or plans to have children with someone, to actually get married. I know it's hard to plan for a break up with the person you love and have kids with, but it's kind of stupid not to.

mcgruff10 · April 2018

HughFreakingDillon said:

mcgruff10 said:

PJ_Soul said:

Happened to me. I got out of a common law marriage in my mid-30s (and a year of being harassed after that), and haven't looked back since. Being one half of a couple can be great of course, but the concept of this seems really overrated to me as well. I don't get why being in a relationship is still often viewed as the be all and end all in life. Not being in a relationship has some serious benefits too. I feel like making the state of being in a relationship a qualification for personal success and/or happiness could be a major mistake a lot of people make.

Forgive me for my ignorance but what is a common law marriage? Is that living with someone for a set number of years but not legally getting married?

depending on the laws where you live, yes, it is living under the same roof for a determined amount of time and you are considered, for tax and other purposes, "common law married".

Do you have any legal rights being common law married? As in putting them on your health insurance, hospital decisions?

HughFreakingDillon · April 2018

mcgruff10 said:

HughFreakingDillon said:

mcgruff10 said:

PJ_Soul said:

Happened to me. I got out of a common law marriage in my mid-30s (and a year of being harassed after that), and haven't looked back since. Being one half of a couple can be great of course, but the concept of this seems really overrated to me as well. I don't get why being in a relationship is still often viewed as the be all and end all in life. Not being in a relationship has some serious benefits too. I feel like making the state of being in a relationship a qualification for personal success and/or happiness could be a major mistake a lot of people make.

Forgive me for my ignorance but what is a common law marriage? Is that living with someone for a set number of years but not legally getting married?

depending on the laws where you live, yes, it is living under the same roof for a determined amount of time and you are considered, for tax and other purposes, "common law married".

Do you have any legal rights being common law married? As in putting them on your health insurance, hospital decisions?

not sure. at the time in my life when I was common law married, the biggest fight we had, besides her infidelity, was who was going to get the Playstation and the futon.

I got the PS1. who needs to sleep? LOL

hedonist · April 2018

For me, it's never been about BEING in a relationship (despite pressure from family - and don't get me started on "but why don't you want children?"). It's about wanting to live this life with someone I love and like, and who feels the same about me. We all have faults, have to make compromises, but on that? No settling. I was 34 when we met and we both trusted our connection and respective instincts about each other.

As for eating out alone, fuck those who are haughty about it! Last week after an appointment I treated myself to a late lunch at an outdoor cafe. Didn't even need a distraction, just people-watched and enjoyed the breeze. Maybe it depends on the city or location, but I was treated no differently than any other patron there.

The expectations of others can be one's downfall, or can be the impetus to flip them off and exercise your personal freedom.

HughFreakingDillon · April 2018

hedonist said:

For me, it's never been about BEING in a relationship (despite pressure from family - and don't get me started on "but why don't you want children?"). It's about wanting to live this life with someone I love and like, and who feels the same about me. We all have faults, have to make compromises, but on that? No settling. I was 34 when we met and we both trusted our connection and respective instincts about each other.

As for eating out alone, fuck those who are haughty about it! Last week after an appointment I treated myself to a late lunch at an outdoor cafe. Didn't even need a distraction, just people-watched and enjoyed the breeze. Maybe it depends on the city or location, but I was treated no differently than any other patron there.

The expectations of others can be one's downfall, or can be the impetus to flip them off and exercise your personal freedom.

during my 2 year singlehood, i went on a date with this girl. She was SHOCKED that I had never gone to a movie alone, stayed home and ordered a pizza by myself, etc, etc. it was just a period in my life where I didn't need to be around people, I just enjoyed it.

there was no second date. i'm convinced it was because i wasn't enough of "an individual". LOL

PJ_Soul · April 2018

mcgruff10 said:

HughFreakingDillon said:

mcgruff10 said:

PJ_Soul said:

Happened to me. I got out of a common law marriage in my mid-30s (and a year of being harassed after that), and haven't looked back since. Being one half of a couple can be great of course, but the concept of this seems really overrated to me as well. I don't get why being in a relationship is still often viewed as the be all and end all in life. Not being in a relationship has some serious benefits too. I feel like making the state of being in a relationship a qualification for personal success and/or happiness could be a major mistake a lot of people make.

Forgive me for my ignorance but what is a common law marriage? Is that living with someone for a set number of years but not legally getting married?

depending on the laws where you live, yes, it is living under the same roof for a determined amount of time and you are considered, for tax and other purposes, "common law married".

Do you have any legal rights being common law married? As in putting them on your health insurance, hospital decisions?

It depends on the province in Canada, but in BC, yes, common law partners are granted the same fundamental rights as married couples, including medical decisions on behalf of the spouse (and that includes all combinations of genders and orientations). Being common law in this province is basically the same as being married. This is not the case across the country by any means. Like in Quebec, common law couples have almost no rights at all under the law from what I've read, although I don't know if that includes medical decisions on behalf of a partner... I would imagine it's the same in the US, i.e. depends on the state.

mcgruff10 · April 2018

PJ_Soul said:

mcgruff10 said:

HughFreakingDillon said:

mcgruff10 said:

PJ_Soul said:

Happened to me. I got out of a common law marriage in my mid-30s (and a year of being harassed after that), and haven't looked back since. Being one half of a couple can be great of course, but the concept of this seems really overrated to me as well. I don't get why being in a relationship is still often viewed as the be all and end all in life. Not being in a relationship has some serious benefits too. I feel like making the state of being in a relationship a qualification for personal success and/or happiness could be a major mistake a lot of people make.

Forgive me for my ignorance but what is a common law marriage? Is that living with someone for a set number of years but not legally getting married?

depending on the laws where you live, yes, it is living under the same roof for a determined amount of time and you are considered, for tax and other purposes, "common law married".

Do you have any legal rights being common law married? As in putting them on your health insurance, hospital decisions?

It depends on the province in Canada, but in BC, yes, common law partners are granted the same fundamental rights as married couples, including medical decisions on behalf of the spouse (and that includes all combinations of genders and orientations). Being common law in this province is basically the same as being married. This is not the case across the country by any means. Like in Quebec, common law couples have almost no rights at all under the law from what I've read, although I don't know if that includes medical decisions on behalf of a partner... I would imagine it's the same in the US, i.e. depends on the state.

Cool. How many years did you have to live together?

brianlux · April 2018

hedonist said:

brianlux said:

I wonder if mountaineers Scott Fischer and Rob Hall minded dying alone? I'm a bit haunted and obsessed with their stories lately. I wonder how I would have felt in such a situation? I don't know.

I think you have to have that mindset to take on Everest or any comparable trek. Both the act itself, coupled with the knowledge you'll likely die trying? Damn.

There's no way my pansy-ass could take that on.

There's a great little short clip in the extras to the climbing movie, Meru, where Jon Krakauer talks about "The Calling" (that's the name of the clip. It's SO good! I wish I had a link to it!

Dying alone

Comments

Categories