Dying alone

The "dying alone" part is not all that scary to me, but the thought of nobody caring if I am dead or alive is. But I guess that is why Thoughts_Arrive brought it up, Yes, the lack of social interaction or relationships can be pretty scary, I totally get it. But the only way to change that is to "go out there".  I know, it sounds so much easier than it is in reality. Who wants to sit alone in a bar, hoping someone will talk to you. I am not that kind of person either, unless there is a band I really want to see, then I don't care, if I know anyone.
But what worked for me, was finding a group with similar interest. In my case it's as simple as a crochet and knitting group. 
I am sure there are meet ups out there, that you share an interest with. Yes, it is daunting to walk into a room with a bunch of strangers, super awkward. But nothing is going to change unless you take a little risk. Sure, it can happen, that you don't like them but you could also meet interesting people you want to hang out with. You won't know until you try. The worst that can happen is that you lose a few hours of your life...

Thoughts_Arrive said:

Miss.Snowdrop said:

The "dying alone" part is not all that scary to me, but the thought of nobody caring if I am dead or alive is. But I guess that is why Thoughts_Arrive brought it up, Yes, the lack of social interaction or relationships can be pretty scary, I totally get it. But the only way to change that is to "go out there".  I know, it sounds so much easier than it is in reality. Who wants to sit alone in a bar, hoping someone will talk to you. I am not that kind of person either, unless there is a band I really want to see, then I don't care, if I know anyone.
But what worked for me, was finding a group with similar interest. In my case it's as simple as a crochet and knitting group. 
I am sure there are meet ups out there, that you share an interest with. Yes, it is daunting to walk into a room with a bunch of strangers, super awkward. But nothing is going to change unless you take a little risk. Sure, it can happen, that you don't like them but you could also meet interesting people you want to hang out with. You won't know until you try. The worst that can happen is that you lose a few hours of your life...

This is what a psychologist I used to see kept pushing me to do, go online for meet-up groups and meet strangers.
I could never do it and in the end it caused a lot of frustration in my psychologist and it ended our relationship.
I just don't like the idea of meeting a bunch of strangers in some bar or wherever.
It makes me feel like more of a loser going out on my own to 'look for friends'. 
I just can't bring myself to do it.
It bothered me more so at the time that I didn't have many friends.
Now I've become used to it and accepted this hermit life I live.

I’m not sure what you think everybody else does to meet friends. In the normal course of things, people go somewhere to do something they like to do, and in the course of that they meet other people who like to do the same things, and maybe some become friends. That’s real life. 

Thoughts_Arrive said:

Miss.Snowdrop said:

The "dying alone" part is not all that scary to me, but the thought of nobody caring if I am dead or alive is. But I guess that is why Thoughts_Arrive brought it up, Yes, the lack of social interaction or relationships can be pretty scary, I totally get it. But the only way to change that is to "go out there".  I know, it sounds so much easier than it is in reality. Who wants to sit alone in a bar, hoping someone will talk to you. I am not that kind of person either, unless there is a band I really want to see, then I don't care, if I know anyone.
But what worked for me, was finding a group with similar interest. In my case it's as simple as a crochet and knitting group. 
I am sure there are meet ups out there, that you share an interest with. Yes, it is daunting to walk into a room with a bunch of strangers, super awkward. But nothing is going to change unless you take a little risk. Sure, it can happen, that you don't like them but you could also meet interesting people you want to hang out with. You won't know until you try. The worst that can happen is that you lose a few hours of your life...

This is what a psychologist I used to see kept pushing me to do, go online for meet-up groups and meet strangers.
I could never do it and in the end it caused a lot of frustration in my psychologist and it ended our relationship.
I just don't like the idea of meeting a bunch of strangers in some bar or wherever.
It makes me feel like more of a loser going out on my own to 'look for friends'. 
I just can't bring myself to do it.
It bothered me more so at the time that I didn't have many friends.
Now I've become used to it and accepted this hermit life I live.

I am sure as hell not the most social person either, new people and situations are scary and I am awkward as fuck. Just making an appointment with a hair dresser is giving me sweaty palms. Going to the PJ show pre-parties is going to make me crap my pants and maybe even a little sick but the thought of regretting not having done it is so much worse. I am only in my 30s, too but there are already so many things I look back on and think I should have done...I don't want this to be the case with the rest of my life as well. 

 I get it. It is absolutely scary and you feel vulnerable going into new situations like that which is something no one likes to be. But no risk no fun! Literally, you are letting fear of not being accepted or not being good enough hold you back in life. And there is only one life and it's a fucking short one. You can wait it out and die (alone) or you can live and enjoy it. 

FOMA (fear of missing out) is one of my most powerful motivators.  

Another thing a friend of mine started doing to get out more was downloading a simple app on his phone. With it he records 1 second a day every day and at the end of the year he posts the 365 second video on social media to get an idea of what he's done that year.

He says it pushes him to go out and try new fun things because of the reminder he needs to get that 1 interesting second for his day. His videos at the end of the year are a highlight for everyone.

I used to spend an awful lot of time feeling sorry for myself for having no friends. I would see posts on Facebook or wherever of people out in their groups of friends having a great time and I would feel envy. To be honest, it actually still happens. However, now I stop myself and ask 'do I actually want to be out in a big gang of people in a pub?'. The answer is always no, I'm quite happy right where I am, in my own company. It has taken me years to come to the realisation that some of us are just meant to be alone and that it's ok. Of course I find myself wishing sometimes that I had a close friend who I could talk to about everything and who knew all about my life etc. I recognise though that friendship is a two-way street and I'm not willing to give of myself what is required to be a true friend. Therefore, as someone unwilling to give, I must accept that accordingly I cannot expect to avail of such a friendship. If I want to have friends I know I have to be proactive, I have to seek out and seize opportunities to meet people and to connect. I have to make a conscious effort to make and maintain contact. So my current hermit-like existence is a result of a conscious decision not to do any of these things and once I remember that this was my choice, then I am at peace with it. As I say, I do still have those momentary bouts of self-pity but they are just that, momentary. Being alone does not have to mean you are lonely. If you're an introvert like me, perhaps you find human interaction a bit exhausting and something you only want to engage in on your own terms (if I want to connect, I do it online for example, from the comfort of my own home). So I guess I just want to say that sometimes you need to really question your own feelings and reactions and be sure they are actually your own, not those that have been pre-programmed by societal expectations and our interpretation of what is 'normal' and 'desirable' i.e. what we 'should' want and need. 

RYME said:

HughFreakingDillon said:

HesCalledDyer said:

oftenreading said:

HughFreakingDillon said:

oftenreading said:

HughFreakingDillon said:

HesCalledDyer said:

rgambs said:

HesCalledDyer said:

kce8 said:

HesCalledDyer said:

tweedyfanjen said:

HesCalledDyer said:

Pretty sure at this point I’ll continue to live alone and I’ll die alone.

I'm 40, I’m not interested in women my age, and younger women (understandably) aren’t interested in men my age unless they have money, which I don’t.

Why you aren't you interested in women your age? You're very much limiting yourself with that. My brother who is going through a divorce right now is dating someone 10 years his junior. And he definitely doesn't have money. He's just a really nice guy.

I'm just attracted to younger women. They're livelier, like to live in the now, and do fun things on a whim like I do.  Where I live, women my age have been thrown to the pack too many times. 40 looks like 55.  Most of them have been married once or twice (I don't want to deal with redneck ex-husbands), have kids (I don't want kids, ever. Not mine, not someone else's), own or have owned houses (something else I never want to do), and/or they're just generally fucked up in the head from all the previous baggage.

On top of that, I just have unordinary ideas for how I want things to be in a relationship and I just don't think any woman, regardless of age, is going to go for it.  (Like living separately and possibly never getting married.)

 
That sounds like you never really fell in love before. I promise, when you have found the right girl you'll change your mind about living separately!  
No need to get married or have kids but I'm pretty sure there will be two seats at your small table permanently. 
 That's sent to all of us. Someday it happens. Just don't give up and think positive. 
And smile!  

I have. Once.  Didn't realize what I had at the time.

Young and dumb?  
There are loves out there for you yet!  

More like young and a controlling asshole. Which I guess files under "dumb" in a sense.

the way I look at it, then she wasn't the right one. you wouldn't have treated the right one like that, no matter your age. it was a learning experience. I had a 5 year relationship in my early 20's that you could say was borderline emotionally abusive (on both our parts), and yeah, when I think back, sure, I and she could have been nicer. But maybe that was something I needed to learn. To prepare me for my subsequent relationships and marriage. 

Your opinion is your own but I certainly don’t think that you can put any of the fault for any of a guy’s controlling behaviour on his female partner for “not being the right one”. Any abusive behaviour sits squarely on the person behaving that way. 
 

 Let me be crystal clear: I said or implied nowhere that it was her fault. It was still his. Same as it was mine when I was a dick to my ex. Same as how it was hers for being a twat to me. People, I think, just tend to work harder at relationships when they are "the one". (and no, I don't believe in "the one", I just used that terminology for ease of discussion-in my case my wife is "the one" but I'm sure in different cities or circumstances there are others "ones" out there as well). 

“....you wouldn’t have treated the right one like that” sure sounds like it’s her fault because she’s “not the right one”. 

I know that's not what Hugh meant by that comment.

any sensible person would. thank you. 

Mr. Sensible
Right on cue.

oh, gee, ya got me! 

HughFreakingDillon said:

F Me In The Brain said:

I like how you can say something like "any sensible person would" - and act like that is just another thing to say in a conversation.  You are calling the other person insensible.  
That is not cool. 
I also read it similarly to that.  I didn't necessarily think that this is what you meant to convey but to me that is what the original statement was conveying.  So you can say whatever you want and regardless of what is said...your intended meaning is all that matters?  
I have a thirteen years old that lives with us that constantly says "what I meant was...." After we question something he says that we think is messed up.  

Others saying that they know that's not what you meant doesnt mean anyone that questions what they read is without their mental facilities.

but if i clarify it with other statements making it crystal fucking clear what i meant and that person is still adamant that they are right in what was in my mind then that person is just being a fucking contrarian and a troll. 

Alright knuckleheads, everybody to the lounge for some chill out time!

dignin said:

brianlux said:

Alright knuckleheads, everybody to the lounge for some chill out time!

The lounge? No way, someone shit in a garbage can there.