Bleeding

i love myself. but i want to love and be loved by someone else too.

yeah it is a pretty lonely feeling sometimes. sometimes not though.

Letter to Elaine Rapp's mother, 1/31/14


Dear Mrs. Rapp,

My name is Rodney Ford. You do not know me, and you probably never heard my name before now. I was a friend of Elaine during her time in Carbondale. I was there as a graduate student from the fall of 1998 until I graduated in May, 2000. I first met Elaine while I was working in the student rec center sports medicine office. She had had an extensive history of back problems and surgery, and I helped with her rehab. I had told her that her history was beyond my scope of knowledge, but I would try my best to help her. During the weeks that I treated her, we became fast friends. During that time, I met Elaine and got to know her pretty well. My group of friends became friends with her group of friends, and we hung out quite a bit during that time.

In my circle of friends, we had a friend named Elaine already, so we referred to your Elaine simply as "Rapp". I moved to St. Louis in May, 2000 and Elaine and I kept in touch via email for maybe a year after that. In mid 2001, I had found a pretty serious girlfriend, and I began to get busy moving forward with my life. I lost track of most of my graduate school friends. Most sadly, Elaine and I lost touch, and I was never able to contact her again after that. The email address I had no longer worked after awhile, and back then, nobody had cell phones or social media, so I had no way of reaching out to her to catch up and see how she was doing.

The purpose of me contacting you is twofold. I was looking through and old photo album last night and I found a poloroid of Elaine and I together in July 1999 at one of the bars where we hung out. Me finding that photo prompted me to start doing a little research to see if I could locate her and say hello. I had checked on Facebook and other social sites off and on for the last 5 years or so, and I never found her on any of those sites. Last night, I found that Elaine had passed away in 2007. I had no idea. I am completely shocked and saddened. I do not know what happened, whether she was sick, or whether it was sudden. The websites I saw did not specify. My first thought was of her family, especially her mother, that I had never met. I am reaching out tonight because I thought you might like to have that poloroid, which I scanned and will attach at the end of this message.

That picture was taken at a place called Pinch Penny, which was a bar that we all frequented. Back then, there was a guy at the bar with a poloroid camera and he would take photos of people and sell the photos for $5 each. That night, Elaine and I both bought 2 each. I remember that we both felt that we got gouged on the price of those photos, but looking back, the picture I sill have is worth much more than the $5 I spent on it. To me is is a priceless reminder of Elaine and the friendship that we shared. The one I am attaching is the only one I could find. I am not sure what happened to the other pictures we had taken together. Thinking about the loss of those photos makes me sad.

The other purpose of me reaching out is to express to you my deepest sympathy and most heartfelt condolences. I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I wanted you to know that you may have lost her six years ago, but her passing is complete news to me tonight. I wanted you to know that even though she may be gone, she is still loved and she is not forgotten. I have not forgotten her, and I will not forget her. I can not tell you how many times since 2001 I have thought about her, wondered how she was doing, and hoped that she was living a happy life. I did not know where she was, but I hoped that she had gotten all of the things out of life that she had told me that she wanted.

Elaine was such an amazing person. I can not find the words to tell you how highly I thought of her. She was one of the nicest, sweetest, and beautiful people that I have ever met. Everyone loved her and thought that she was great. You must be very proud of the person that she became. I was proud to have known her for the brief time that I did. I still hear her voice and her laugh when I think about some of the times we hung out together. It takes a special person for someone to remember their voice when they have not heard it in 13 years.

I am sorry to have brought up any sad emotions with this letter. But I felt that reaching out to you was something that I had to do, just so that I can relay to her family how special she was to me. She was one of the closest friends I ever had, and I regret that her and I lost touch and that it was mostly my fault. That regret is something that I am going to have to work through. But reaching out to you has helped me in my time of grieving her loss these last two nights.

Things never worked out with me and that serious girlfriend in 2001. I would have traded that relationship for Elaine's friendship any day of the week. I only wish that I had done so when I had the chance all those years ago.

I hope this message finds you well and I pray that you will find comfort in the fact that Elaine had such a positive impact on so many people, and that she was beloved by everyone that knew her. I am so proud and so thankful to have had the chance to get to know her.

Please accept the poloroid, along with my condolences and my sympathies.

Sincerely,

Rodney

this winter
has been the longest
that i can remember.
i can't remember a time
when we have had
plowed snow mountains
8 feet high
that remain from a snow
that we had a month ago.
i can't remember a stretch
that we have had this long
below freezing.
another half foot of snow
on its way right now.
it piles up
and buries you
like the burden
of debts
and favors owed.
like the heavy weight
of a guilty conscience.
i'm waiting for the spring
to warm the earth
enough to melt the snow
and the ice
that is frozen in my veins.

to hold a candle for someone,
a person who no longer
acknowledges your existance,
is the most helpless feeling
that you can ever feel.
i don't get it.
i'm a good guy,
i'm a caring guy,
i am a fun guy,
i'm an attractive guy,
i'm a talented guy,
i have always been able
to be with whomever i wanted.
but for some reason,
just not in this case.