Bleeding

chadwick

gimmesometruth27 wrote:

chadwick wrote:

http://youtu.be/IjmBPFPTq-g
for your entertainment... 'krav maga'



i like that you're writing in here these days

yeah man i have heard about that. that is the israeli special forces stuff. i can handle myself ok, but i would get killed by any one of those guys. thanks for posting that. it is a good reminder that there is always someone out there who is a better fighter than you. that uncertainty is what has kept me out of most bar fights in my lifetime. thankfully.

thanks for the encouragement chad. it means a lot to me to hear you say that.

my style is kind of screwed up, but it is just free flow. i never edit anything, and i leave it as i write it, in first draft form. most of my songs are like that too. it is just art. it is not supposed to be perfect or follow any rules. it is just catharsis for me. a form of therapy. my stuff is nowhere near as good as some of the stuff i have seen you post. it took me a long time, like 9 years, to get around to posting here because i was scared. now i figure if all of you people can do it, and be vulnerable and open to other peoples' criticisms, i can be too.

well, sir

not many would ever even wanna tangle with a krav maga specialist; we like our arms & legs & necks unbroken. those dudes are way badass. they're possibly more badass than a navy seal or the two are about as even as it comes. israeli commandos do train seals over there in israel. i watched a video on it yesterday. ruthless

you, me, anyone, can & should write poetry & put some of it here. let me give you a suggestion on overcoming fears of ppl reading your stuff.

write a love/romantic poem for some hot ass broad you like & then read it to your mom. after a few times ..... easy breezy.. way back when, i read almost all my writings to my mom as i wanted a judge. i think it worked great & she was a good judge. was it shit? was it decent? was it killer?

we're all different & we each have our strengths. this here is mine as it is my pleasure, my medicines, my torturous self & so on. i am pleased writing has drove me mad

now... let's discuss book lice, yes/no? little fuckers are all over

gimmesometruth27

Illridethewave20 wrote:

I commend you on how vunerable you are, it takes a lot of balls to spill your guts !


I love how raw and vunerable Bleeding is.
I can really relate to What I learned about love, the constant battles back and forth is so true but it is why we all crave love as well I think

great job

thanks for your feedback and encouragement

yeah, writing this stuff is just like writing songs and posting them on facebook or playing them in front of an audience. i just write about what i know. my experiences and my feelings. everything i have written about in this thread is honest and it is all true. the way i see it, if you stick with the truth, you will never have to remember the bullshit later. just tell it like it happened and tell what you really feel about something or someone, ya know? if people can't handle it that is not the problem of the writer. the writer is just throwing things out there and if people read it and like it all the better.

people can tell honesty when they read it. they can tell passion when they read it. they can tell bullshit when they see it. base things on truth and you can embellish with BS later if you need to. turns out my reality i have posted about has not needed a whole lot of embellishment to this point.

that one about love vs "love" is one that i like too. the one without the quotes is the real one, and the one in quotes is the one that is not real, or it is figurative, ya know?

gimmesometruth27

yeah you can say that again, i would never want to tangle with one of those guys. those special forces guys are a different breed. they can do things that normal guys like you and i can never do. me, i had a hard enough time punching people in the face, or cranking on a choke when i was fighting. it is really not in my nature to do those things, but when someone is trying to kick your ass, your fight instinct kicks in, so then i don't feel so bad. i have elbowed people and cut them pretty bad and i always feel very bad after that because elbows leave scars. bad ones.

i think posting on here is somethng i have been needing to do for awhile. i feel better the last week or so since i have been putting stuff out there. it is helping me address shit that i had avoided addressing for awhile now. it is empowering i think.

i will try that suggestion of writing a poem about a hotass woman that i like. at this point though, i don't know any. i have written some very powerful things about women in my life, but i am not looking at my past work here. i am wanting to write all new things. i will read one to my mom, but she thinks i am nuts as it is, so imagine me calling and say "hey mom, i want to read you this thing i wrote!" and she would be like "i thought you gave up on that 10 years ago :fp: :fp: " i would not want my mom reading what i have posted here. i might give her that letter i wrote to my friend bruno, but i do not want to peel off any old scabs for her at this point. she is almost 70 now, don't want to depress her with old stuff..

i am glad that you love writing, chad. you have given me plenty to think about these last few years. i am just afraid that i am exposing too much of myself on here. but i don't know anyone on here really, so i guess it doesn't really matter. i view us all as peers here.

sorry man, i can't discuss book lice, i don't know anything about them.

chadwick wrote:

well, sir

not many would ever even wanna tangle with a krav maga specialist; we like our arms & legs & necks unbroken. those dudes are way badass. they're possibly more badass than a navy seal or the two are about as even as it comes. israeli commandos do train seals over there in israel. i watched a video on it yesterday. ruthless

you, me, anyone, can & should write poetry & put some of it here. let me give you a suggestion on overcoming fears of ppl reading your stuff.

write a love/romantic poem for some hot ass broad you like & then read it to your mom. after a few times ..... easy breezy.. way back when, i read almost all my writings to my mom as i wanted a judge. i think it worked great & she was a good judge. was it shit? was it decent? was it killer?

we're all different & we each have our strengths. this here is mine as it is my pleasure, my medicines, my torturous self & so on. i am pleased writing has drove me mad

now... let's discuss book lice, yes/no? little fuckers are all over

catefrances

stronger and stronger my friend....

gimmesometruth27

catefrances wrote:

stronger and stronger my friend....

we shall see what tomorrow brings. i got nothin today....

chadwick

well i don't wanna hijack your thread. i'll look up the topic 'booklice' & if not found i'll start one.

gimmesometruth27

chadwick wrote:

well i don't wanna hijack your thread. i'll look up the topic 'booklice' & if not found i'll start one.

no worries chad

gimmesometruth27

tell me everything.
i won't judge.
chances are i have done worse
than you ever have...
i want to know
everything about you.
your whole story.
all of it.
your past.
your hopes.
your dreams.
your secrets.
the things you are proud of.
the things you are ashamed of.
the risks that you took.
and the risks you didn't.
your regrets.
the things you are scared of.
what makes you tick.
what makes you get out of bed every day.
tell me
what you want to be.
what you want from life.
what your interests are.
what your intentions are.
what you want from me...

i don't know if i can measure up.
i don't know if i can meet your needs.
i don't know if i am your perfect guy.
i don't know if any of that even matters yet.
i don't know if i can make you happy.
but i am gonna try.
i will give it everything i've got.
that much,
i can promise you.

chadwick

that's nice right there
& from the heart

good luck

gimmesometruth27

chadwick wrote:

that's nice right there
& from the heart

good luck

thanks man.

yeah i am kinda spinning at the moment...

hopefully i am not spinning down the love drain again.

gimmesometruth27

i don't know why i miss you right now.
quiet night at home.
ballgame is on.
i have plenty to keep me busy.
but i can't concentrate.
i can't think.
for some reason i am just anxious.
restless. ill at ease.
my hands are shaking too much to play guitar.
that's normally what i do
when i'm feeling this way.
the right and left hands
aren't talking to each other.
because of that disconnect
even typing has been wonky.
i get like this sometimes.
maybe its the rain,
and the changing of the seasons.
the fall always gets me down.
the days getting shorter.
even when i get off work early
it is still dark when i leave.
maybe its just because i'm alone.
the mind tends to drift
when you are somewhere by yourself.
we are losing,
but like a trainwreck i can't look away.
maybe that is it??
i look around the house.
everything here is a reminder
in one way or another.
we used to laugh a lot.
but now i don't even remember
what we used to laugh about.
i always laughed when i thought about
when things were good.
i could use the laugh right now.
i remember your voice.
i remember your accent,
and your inflection,
but i don't remember anything
specific that you ever said to me.
i took it for granted
that i would be hearing it all the time.
i guess i never bothered to remember
anything you said.
i never thought i would need to, ya know?
i remember the way
you used to look at me.
it's been awhile
since i have seen a look like that.
or if someone has looked at me like that,
i haven't noticed.
i've never been good
at picking up those cues.
i'm better now than i was then.
i've learned not to
make the same mistakes.
but it's nights like this
that make me think;
am i satisfied with where i am in life?
at this point no.
can i be?
sure. need to make some adjustments,
but i will get there.
self improvement is a job.
it is a quest to be
the most perfect one
that one can be.
one way or another,
i'll get there one day.

gimmesometruth27

ali.
i just got the word.
i had heard you had od'd 3 weekends ago.
turns out you were ok.
an hour ago i got the call from your sis.
she said you are gone.
you had recovered.
but you fucking did it again...
and now you are gone.
forever.
there is so much i want to say
and so much that i can not
even begin to process...
i don't even know how i feel right now.
i am fucking angry that you left us.
i am fucking angry that you chose this road.
but i am not going to say
that i was ignorant enough
to think it would never happen...
was it an accident?
was it your plan all along?
i have my suspicions,
but nobody can begin to know right now.
i am not gonna throw stones.
your mom would see it,
and i am not that kind of friend.
turns out the only thing i ever wanted
from you is the same thing i want from everyone else.
we grew up together.
we shared experiences.
we believed in each other.
i am gonna take that belief,
re-examine everything,
go back to the drawing board
and see what happens..
god bless you,
and i hope that you are ok, and that you did not suffer....
love you,
more than words can express.

Rod

gimmesometruth27

11/4/2013

Ali


ali was a friend of mine.
i met her when we were in 3rd grade.
we went to school together
all the way through high school.
we were really tight,
at different times in our lives.
she was one of those girls
that everyone thought was beautiful.
she was the coolest girl in school.
she could have been with any
guy that she could have wanted.
but she was the kind that
never knew that.
she was very cool,
very laid back.
and she was drop dead beautiful.
she was the first crush i ever had.
she was my date to my first dance.
my mother aside,
she was the first girl i held hands with
that to me was more than friends.
she was my first kiss.
she was the first girl
who let me take off her bra.
she was the first girl
to put her hand in my pants.
we experimented together.
we learned about young adulthood together.
we had a very close relationship.
we never dated exclusively
for any prolonged period of time in school.
but we always cared for each other
in a very deep way.
but for some reason
we never took it any further
back then.
part of it was me.
i respected her too much
to take her virginity.
even after she asked me to.
back then, that was a big thing.
sex was a big thing when you are young.
we spent the summer after graduation
hanging out every day.
i was closer to her than i was
with my guy friends and team mates.
i went away to college to play baseball.
she stayed here in town.
she started a band with her sister
and some shady guys that we knew.
they were good.
ali was the talent.
she had the anguished, powerful voice of janis joplin.
but she looked like a supermodel.
it was quite the stunning combination.

while i was at school,
i experimented with things without her.
alcohol, drugs, etc.
she experimented here too.
it was awkward doing those things
without ali around.
when you try something new,
you aren't really good at it.
it helps to try things
with people you are comfortable with.
i learned that i really liked to drink.
actually quite a lot.
ali learned that she liked the harder stuff.
she was into coke.
bigtime.
i would come home from school for the summer
and it would be weird between her and i.
she was much more wild than she once was,
and she was much more wild than i was.
i had had my fun with coke, and x, and other things.
but she was a full blown fiend.
every time we hung out it was
bumps and rails.
she was a mess with that shit.
i hated it.
i knew she loved to party, so i let her.

she was a free spirit.
i loved her and i trusted her to use discretion.
when I was back from school
i would go and see her band.
by this time she was doing
an acoustic side project with her sister.
ali would always call me up
on stage to play with her.
she was a huge pearl jam fan.
her and i would always, always
play “footsteps”.
if that went well we would play “black”.
she sang it just like ed did on unplugged,
complete with the “we, we belong
we belong together!” bit at the end.
i always got chills when she sang that,
because i always felt that way about her.
eventually, “footsteps” gave way to
temple of the dog’s “times of trouble”.
i can not help but dwell on the irony
of that right now.
we did a song about heroin addiction,
and she became an addict.
i mean, what the fuck?
had she not learned the lessons
from cobain, staley, and the countless
of other nameless victims of smack?

in 2003 her band broke up, and i started mine.
i returned the favor of letting her sit in.
we always did those same songs.
when she bothered to show up that is.
she always called me “fuckin’ rodney”,
so to me she was “fuckin’ ali”.
that was her contact name in my phone.
whenever we got new cell numbers she would
type the new one in my phone but change her contact
name so I could not find it.
she was a joker like that.
her sense of humor was like a 14 year old boy
trapped in the body of a woman.
she could burp and fart with the best of them.
i mean, that was a serious talent for her.
body function jokes were her thing.

i moved back home for a bit.
ali would clean up for awhile
and then she would relapse for awhile.
she was always with different guys.
something about them irked me.
turns out that they were her dealers.
one of them would get busted,
or quit that life,
and she'd move on to the next guy
who could get her what she needed.
we would lose touch for a year at a time
and then she would come around
when she needed something.
most times it was a place to crash
for a week or two at a time.
we slept in the same bed.
but it was not sexual.
the sexual relationship had ended years before.
i did not know where she had been since me,
and I did not want to risk catching anything.
most times it was just falling asleep
in each other’s arms.
there was comfort in that.
both of us were lonely.
when we slept together
it felt like home.
i would always think of us as kids
and wonder how the fuck we ended up like this.
she would be clean for awhile,
but her bloody nose would give her away.
we would be together for a time
and then i would have to let her go.
she would be on to the next thing.
the next thrill.
the next new sensation.
and when she came back.
i took care of her.
we got her into rehab but
she always checked out.

she would disappear for periods
and then she would come back.
i had gotten a career and a house
and was looking to lead a normal life.
i had never married.
partly because i was waiting for her,
and partly because i could not be married
and have a fucking addict showing up needing
a place to stay for weeks at a time.
one time, in 2008
i said to her
"look, this time it is me or drugs."
she chose drugs....
and she disappeared.

i next saw her in 2010.
she showed up at one of my shows.
we talked between sets.
we exchanged numbers again,
and she changed her contact name again.
same old ali.
this time she was back in school
and she seemed to be doing ok.
she looked good and healthy.
we agreed to get together sometime
and work on some songs.
she never called.
i never called her either.
by that time i had learned to let go of her
and not to chase her.
she would be back when she wanted to be.
her and i talked a few times after that
but we never met to write.
the conversations were really superficial.
i could tell that she was not herself.
she would be distant,
and she would disappear again.
by that time i figured she could take care of herself.

i next saw her this past june.
we went to a cardinal game
and ali was tending bar at this
place in soulard.
we went there after the game.
i didn’t know she was working there.
she came up behind me,
covered my eyes with her hands
and said “guess who, fucker!!”
i knew the voice right away.
i turned around and we hugged
for a good 30 seconds or so.
she said she liked my new, short haircut.
that meant a lot coming from her for some reason.
at that point I was still a bit insecure
after cutting off the long hair I had had for years.
she said she had cleaned up,
and that she had had a son.
she was living with the guy
and they were in a band together.
i had heard of the band,
but I did not know that was her band.
she asked what I was drinking.
i said “crown and 7.”
this drink she poured
had to have been at least a quadruple
with a splash of 7-up.
she always did that shit.
i guess she thought she was doing me
a favor or something.
but what kind of a favor is pouring
someone an undrinkable drink?
we talked for an hour or so.
we talked about old times.
we talked about our youth.
and how we had known each other
for almost 30 years.
we talked about the marriage pact we made
at one point in our 20s.
we had agreed to get married if we hit 40
and were still single.
i was surprised she remembered that.
even though it was only partially serious.
she grabbed my phone
and entered her new number.
this time she saved her name as
“Fucking amazing”.
i scrolled down my contacts and as soon
as i saw the name i knew it was her.
she left mine as what it had been since 2010.
“dick hertz”.
she always thought that was funny.
my ride was leaving
so i had to say goodbye to ali.

on the ride home
we exchanged some texts.
i am reading them now as I write this.

Me- “it was great seeing you again.
thanks for that awful drink, fuckface.”

Fucking amazing- “great seeing you too.
i thought that is how you like them?? ”

Me- “nah, that was awful. i really missed you
and i am glad you are doing well and i’m
glad that you are happy. it’s about time…”

Fucking amazing- “i missed you too. i am happy, but i never thanked you
for helping me out all those times. i owe you.”

Me- “no you don’t owe me anything.
we are friends, and i look out for my friends..”

Fucking amazing- “i know you do. thanks for being my friend.”

Me- “no worries. and thank you too.
try not to be a stranger, and maybe call me before 2015.”

Fucking amazing- “ditto.”




and that was it.
ali died.
they think sometime last week.
i got the call two nights ago.
i was drunk, and i was hoping
that it was a bad dream.
they found her in an abandoned apartment
with a needle in her arm.
whoever she was with had left her there.
for days.
i guess the smell got bad and
the neighbors called the police.
i still don't know the details.
i don’t want to know them.
whether it was accidental,
suicide, or murder,
the end result is still the same.
she is gone, and now there is a motherless
son left behind.
i’m still in shock.
i am not used to
talking about her in past tense.
i hate heroin.
i wonder what happened.
she was doing so well 4 months ago.
and what of her son?
i should have called her.
i have not cried.
i think i am still angry.
i have been curled up in a ball
for the last 36 hours or so
just trying to process all of this.
every time i have a day off someone dies.
i spent most of yesterday
looking for pictures of her and i.
i could not find any.
i know I lost some good ones
when my computer
died in 2009.
i know i have others.
old ones.
from when we were in school.
i hate when i can’t find something
that i am looking for.
i just need to see
a picture of her and i together.
the funeral is later this week.
i don’t want to go.
how the fuck am i going to face
her mom and her sister?
what words can i possibly say to them
to give them any sort of comfort?
they know i cared about her
and that i was a good friend to her.
i treated her better than any other
man in her life.

there is this one picture.
this one image of her that i took
several years ago.
i can’t find it, but it is so clear in my head.
it is a pic of her on a stage
sitting and straddling a bar stool.
she is leaning forward and
pulling a microphone
on a mic stand to her mouth
and she looks to be belting out
a phrase with everything she had.
and the way the light is hitting her
it makes her look like an angel.
well, now she is that angel.

rollings

awww. :(

I'm sorry

gimmesometruth27

rollings wrote:

awww. :(

I'm sorry

thank you.

it's been a hard couple of days.

it has helped to write that though.

gimmesometruth27

i found 4 pics of ali and i from high school. these are the only ones i could find. i can't help but think of how innocent we were back then, and how things turned out.

this one is of her and i at a pep rally. i was a football player and she was on the dance team. we were seniors here.


her and i the night of our junior prom.


another one of her and i and some friends on prom night.



last one, from the dance that night.


and that's all i've got... nothing from college, nothing from post college. nothing of her and i playing music together. i should have backed all of that stuff up when i had the chance...

PearlOfAGirl

I love the whole poem, because I can relate to "so" much of it, especially this part...

i'm too sensitive for humanity.
i'm too sensitive for people's games.
i'm too sensitive for people's deceptions.
i'm too sensitive for their cruelty.
i'm too sensitive for their greed.
i'm too sensitive for human nature.

You're a really good writer... you relate to what a lot of people feel....

Thank you for sharing, and keep on writing....

gimmesometruth27

PearlOfAGirl wrote:

I love the whole poem, because I can relate to "so" much of it, especially this part...

i'm too sensitive for humanity.
i'm too sensitive for people's games.
i'm too sensitive for people's deceptions.
i'm too sensitive for their cruelty.
i'm too sensitive for their greed.
i'm too sensitive for human nature.

You're a really good writer... you relate to what a lot of people feel....

Thank you for sharing, and keep on writing....

thank you for your feedback, your kind words, and your encouragement.

i know i am not the only one who has ever felt like that. i think it makes me feel empowered to put this stuff out there.

it means a lot to hear from people who can relate to things i have written. it makes me feel like we have shared some common experiences, and that makes me feel more in touch with other people, and less alone. my writing is really raw. and that is how i like it. someone said that people can recognize honesty and connect with a writer who is writing sincerely. those are my favorite kinds of writers to read, and i do not know of any other way to write.

gimmesometruth27

letter to Ali, 11/6/13

Dear Ali,

Well it has been a few days since I got the news.
I am still in shock.
There is not really much to say,
other than you really did it this time.
Up until now we could undo or minimize,
or just look past the trouble we got ourselves into.
Well the trouble you got into at least,
Because we both know
that I’ve never done anything wrong….
Unfortunately this time it is permanent.
I am not going to attack you or judge you.
I never did that while you were alive
and I am not going to start
now that you are dead.
I could do that here,
but you are not going to read this
and you will not hear me say these words.
I think you know me well enough to
already know what I am thinking.
You always had that ability to read me.
So what is the point?
I think this letter is just for me.
Just a way for me to make sense of things.

Your funeral is tomorrow.
I still don’t know how I am going to
summon the strength to go.
I would be lying if I told you
that your death is just going to be
a blip on the timeline of events of my life.
Your death is one of the biggest things
that has ever happened in my life.
This is an utterly earthshattering event.
I am just so devastated that I don’t know what to do.
You know me, I am never at a loss for words.
But I am speechless right now.
Who knew that you would be the one to finally shut me up?
Who knew that the road
and our friendship would end like this?
Who knew that it would be us burying you
so young instead of the other way around?
I imagined myself being an old man the first time
I spent this much time thinking about the life we shared together.
But now today, at 38, I am doing that.
We both are too young for this…


I am looking back at the 30 years that we knew each other.
I still remember the first time I ever saw you.
You got on the bus and people
would not let you sit down because
you were the new kid.
You sat down by me.
You must have noticed the awesome
bowl haircut I was rocking back then...
But now we know it was my wicked star wars lunchbox
that got your attention…
Who knew that you and I would experience
so much together?
Man, we had some good times.
You were my “first” for a lot of things.
Just like I was yours.
We learned about life together.
We learned how to be kids.
We learned how to be teenagers,
and we learned how to be adults.
Like partners in crime,
anything one of us wanted to do
the other went along with it.
Sneaking out of the house
and going night skinnydipping
at the pool?
Check
Drinking tequila and smoking
cigs at Eric’s mom’s house?
Check.
Going to see New Kids at Six Flags
because someone thought they were cute?
Check.
Me teaching you how to drive a stickshift
in my dad’s prized Mustang?
Check.
Man, I got grounded for that one.
But it was so totally worth it.
You talking me into playing guitar on stage
for the first time and me having the anxiety attack?
Check.
You talking me into having sex the first time?
Yeah that one was awkward…
I gotta admit, I was sooo scared…but I did my best…
Years later we would laugh about that one. A LOT.

The great thing about you was
that I could be completely 100% me around you
and you never judged me for it.
You never held anything over my head
or used anything against me.
You don’t find people like that very often.
You were my rock when Bruno
killed himself when we were twelve.
You encouraged me in a lot of ways.
Hell, if not for you,
I would have never formed my band.
It was playing songs with you
that gave me that rush and that drive
to start something of my own
instead of leaching off of your successes.
Remember that time when that guy was all over you
and I tried to start a fight with him?
You talked me out of it.
Good thing too, because I had never been
in a fight in my life at that time.
But I would have done it for you.

We also had some conflict and some bad times.
As we got older you did some things that really pissed me off.
I could rant about the drugs and shit,
that ended up taking your life, but I won’t.
I dabbled a bit, but I didn’t like it.
I think I did it mostly because you wanted me to.
I think what pissed me off the most
was your disappearing act.
You always came back
because you knew I would let you, and you knew
I would help you if I could.
That time in 2008,
when I said “This time it’s me or drugs…”
and you chose FUCKING DRUGS????
REALLY??
That was the worst.
It might have been selfish of me to give you an ultimatum,
but at the time I saw that as the only option.
You had already failed rehab.
That was before I understood the nature of addiction.
Most addicts never ever truly recover, and you didn’t.
I just want you to know that if I ever said
or did anything to hurt you
or make you mad, it was nothing personal.
It was just me looking out for you
Because I cared about you.

I am so very thankful that I saw you
that final time a few months ago.
We were so close to not going to that bar.
I am glad that we did now.
You and I smoothed over any of our issues
and we made peace with each other.
Had you died and had we not seen each other then,
I don’t know how I would be feeling right now.
You were clean and sober then,
You were in love, and you were making music again.
You had finished your degree
And were looking for a career.
You should know how proud I was of you
when you told me about your son…
Things were on the upswing for you
and I could not have been happier for you.
I still smile when I think about the “marriage pact” we had.
I can’t believe you actually remembered that from our mid 20's.
To think, you would have had to marry me when you turned 40??
I suppose worse things have happened…
Like the fact that you will never see 40 now…
I am the kind of guy who has to get closure.
We did not know that that would be the last time
we would ever talk.
But some of the things we said put me at ease
and it is so good for me to know
that you and I were “all good” again.
There are a lot of people I need to reach out to,
but for various reasons I can’t bring myself to do so.
They most likely don’t want to hear from me anyway,
But I am so glad that you did…

I guess what I wanted to say to you tonight, Ali,
is very simple.
I am really going to miss you.
Hell, I totally miss you already.
I am going to miss our inside jokes.
I am going to miss your voice and your dirty, whorish, mouth.
I am going to miss the way you bounced when you walked.
The annoying way you put a capo on upside down.
The way you would burp into a microphone between songs.
I am going to miss the texts from made up names
like Alotta Fagina and Haywood Jablowme…
Most of all,
I am going to miss you just being there.
Just you being you.
You and I hanging out alone, by ourselves.
Watching the three stooges and laughing
like we had never seen them before.
I’ll miss the quiet times.
The times where we would just talk,
Or sometimes say nothing at all.
You knew me better than anybody else.
I knew you too.
The real you. Not the stage you,
But the person you rarely showed to other people.
I feel very lucky to have known that person.
I watched that timid little 3rd grader on the bus
Become one of the greatest people I have ever known.
Sure we lost touch for a year at a time, but I still saw you grow.
I always cared and I will always care about you.
I had a bunch of pics of us but I lost them all.
I didn’t back them up and my hard drive crashed.
That is a lesson learned the hard way, I think.
I have pictures in my head of you,
at all ages and phases of our lives.
I hope my memory never fails me,
because then I will have lost it all...
We did a lot of things in our lives together,
and it all ended much sooner than I wanted it to..
But after all this time I can not think of a single soul
I would have rather had those experiences with.
So Ali, thank you for that.

Maybe one day we will see each other again.
Maybe one day we will get to rage
and raise a little hell in the afterlife.
Until that day, may you rest in peace, Angel.
I love you.

God bless you, my beautiful, amazing friend.

Fuckin’ Rodney

gimmesometruth27

yesterday was your funeral.
one of the saddest
and most difficult experiences
of my entire life.
i barely got through it,
but i did.
i am stronger than i thought i was.
i am finding that out,
the longer that i live.

i have decided
that i am going to live enough
for the both of us.
that starts today.
no more wallowing,
no more complaining,
no more wasting
of the time that i have.
time is a luxury
that you didn't have.
seems i have it
in abundance.
i promise you today
that i am not going to waste it.
not another wasted minute.
not another minute
taken for granted.
not any longer.

chapters end
and chapters begin.
today i begin
the next chapter.
the chapter where
you are not my friend,
but a cherished memory.