Bleeding

Aafke

But I do believe that we can learn something from every past relationship... maybe we can learn to love ourselves...

gimmesometruth27

i love myself. but i want to love and be loved by someone else too.

Aafke

Yeah, you are right. I do know that feeling...

gimmesometruth27

yeah it is a pretty lonely feeling sometimes. sometimes not though.

gimmesometruth27

if i liked you
you would know it.
if i liked you,
you would be aware.
if i liked you,
i would do the little things
to make your day
just a little easier.
i would send you a text
or a quick message
just to let you know
that i am thinking about you.
if i liked you
i would write or sing a song for you.
i would write a stupid haiku
or read my bad poetry to you.
If i liked you
i would make you a priority.
i would make time for you.
even if it inconveniences me
or screws up my whole day.
if i liked you
i would stop what i am doing
and drive or fly or sail to you
no matter where you are.
if i liked you
i would stand bedside you
and walk with you
through the hottest of fires.
i would be loyal to you,
i would defend you and protect you
even if i put myself at risk,
and even if i know you are wrong.
if i liked you,
i would give you the shirt off my back
and the last dollar in my wallet.
if i liked you
i would always be honest with you
and i would never abandon you.
i would never, ever hurt you,
or break a promise.
if i liked you,
i would never make a promise
or a vow that i know that i can't keep.
if i liked you
i would always be there,
in spirit, if not phytically.
i would always be with you..
if i liked you
i would do all of these things
and more.
you can only imagine
what i would do,
if i loved you.

Aafke

Those are a lot of promises.

gimmesometruth27

Aafke said:

Those are a lot of promises.

sure they are. but that is how i feel and it is what i would do. but if you like someone or if you are in a relationship with someone, you never give up on them. i think the fact that i so readily would do the things i listed could be part of the problem.

Aafke

gimmesometruth27 said:

Aafke said:

Those are a lot of promises.

sure they are. but that is how i feel and it is what i would do. but if you like someone or if you are in a relationship with someone, you never give up on them. i think the fact that i so readily would do the things i listed could be part of the problem.

I don;t know, I think it shows that you still love her, you're faithful, and I believe that is great quality, but it also means that you can get hurt very deeply, as is the case right now, I believe. Don't be harsh on yourself, you don't have to change those fine quality's you have. Give the feelings you have right now, some space, they produce great poetry. Better days will eventualy come...

gimmesometruth27

Aafke said:

gimmesometruth27 said:

Aafke said:

Those are a lot of promises.

sure they are. but that is how i feel and it is what i would do. but if you like someone or if you are in a relationship with someone, you never give up on them. i think the fact that i so readily would do the things i listed could be part of the problem.

I don;t know, I think it shows that you still love her, you're faithful, and I believe that is great quality, but it also means that you can get hurt very deeply, as is the case right now, I believe. Don't be harsh on yourself, you don't have to change those fine quality's you have. Give the feelings you have right now, some space, they produce great poetry. Better days will eventualy come...

well of course i still have real feelings for this person. i think i always will. i really fell hard and it just wasn't meant to be i guess. yeah part of being faithful is that it makes you vulnerable to getting hurt. personally, i would rather be loyal and risk getting hurt than to never have felt those feelings for someone else. one thing is certain. had i never met this person i would have never written a lot of this stuff, nor the stuff that i haven't posted. better days will come. just have to ride out the hard ones, which is what i have been doing.

Aafke

Well, by doing so, in my opinion, you are showing real strength, I do deeply respect that.. Stay close to your feelings and keep sharing them, , I truly believe that your already half way in working it out.

gimmesometruth27

thank you. I am getting there

gimmesometruth27

Letter to Elaine Rapp's mother, 1/31/14


Dear Mrs. Rapp,

My name is Rodney Ford. You do not know me, and you probably never heard my name before now. I was a friend of Elaine during her time in Carbondale. I was there as a graduate student from the fall of 1998 until I graduated in May, 2000. I first met Elaine while I was working in the student rec center sports medicine office. She had had an extensive history of back problems and surgery, and I helped with her rehab. I had told her that her history was beyond my scope of knowledge, but I would try my best to help her. During the weeks that I treated her, we became fast friends. During that time, I met Elaine and got to know her pretty well. My group of friends became friends with her group of friends, and we hung out quite a bit during that time.

In my circle of friends, we had a friend named Elaine already, so we referred to your Elaine simply as "Rapp". I moved to St. Louis in May, 2000 and Elaine and I kept in touch via email for maybe a year after that. In mid 2001, I had found a pretty serious girlfriend, and I began to get busy moving forward with my life. I lost track of most of my graduate school friends. Most sadly, Elaine and I lost touch, and I was never able to contact her again after that. The email address I had no longer worked after awhile, and back then, nobody had cell phones or social media, so I had no way of reaching out to her to catch up and see how she was doing.

The purpose of me contacting you is twofold. I was looking through and old photo album last night and I found a poloroid of Elaine and I together in July 1999 at one of the bars where we hung out. Me finding that photo prompted me to start doing a little research to see if I could locate her and say hello. I had checked on Facebook and other social sites off and on for the last 5 years or so, and I never found her on any of those sites. Last night, I found that Elaine had passed away in 2007. I had no idea. I am completely shocked and saddened. I do not know what happened, whether she was sick, or whether it was sudden. The websites I saw did not specify. My first thought was of her family, especially her mother, that I had never met. I am reaching out tonight because I thought you might like to have that poloroid, which I scanned and will attach at the end of this message.

That picture was taken at a place called Pinch Penny, which was a bar that we all frequented. Back then, there was a guy at the bar with a poloroid camera and he would take photos of people and sell the photos for $5 each. That night, Elaine and I both bought 2 each. I remember that we both felt that we got gouged on the price of those photos, but looking back, the picture I sill have is worth much more than the $5 I spent on it. To me is is a priceless reminder of Elaine and the friendship that we shared. The one I am attaching is the only one I could find. I am not sure what happened to the other pictures we had taken together. Thinking about the loss of those photos makes me sad.

The other purpose of me reaching out is to express to you my deepest sympathy and most heartfelt condolences. I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I wanted you to know that you may have lost her six years ago, but her passing is complete news to me tonight. I wanted you to know that even though she may be gone, she is still loved and she is not forgotten. I have not forgotten her, and I will not forget her. I can not tell you how many times since 2001 I have thought about her, wondered how she was doing, and hoped that she was living a happy life. I did not know where she was, but I hoped that she had gotten all of the things out of life that she had told me that she wanted.

Elaine was such an amazing person. I can not find the words to tell you how highly I thought of her. She was one of the nicest, sweetest, and beautiful people that I have ever met. Everyone loved her and thought that she was great. You must be very proud of the person that she became. I was proud to have known her for the brief time that I did. I still hear her voice and her laugh when I think about some of the times we hung out together. It takes a special person for someone to remember their voice when they have not heard it in 13 years.

I am sorry to have brought up any sad emotions with this letter. But I felt that reaching out to you was something that I had to do, just so that I can relay to her family how special she was to me. She was one of the closest friends I ever had, and I regret that her and I lost touch and that it was mostly my fault. That regret is something that I am going to have to work through. But reaching out to you has helped me in my time of grieving her loss these last two nights.

Things never worked out with me and that serious girlfriend in 2001. I would have traded that relationship for Elaine's friendship any day of the week. I only wish that I had done so when I had the chance all those years ago.

I hope this message finds you well and I pray that you will find comfort in the fact that Elaine had such a positive impact on so many people, and that she was beloved by everyone that knew her. I am so proud and so thankful to have had the chance to get to know her.

Please accept the poloroid, along with my condolences and my sympathies.

Sincerely,

Rodney

gimmesometruth27

why do i reach out?
a catty reply is better
than the silence that i get.
i should know better by now.
i never learn.
you go out of your way
to be nice to someone,
to be kind to them,
to be their friend,
and you only matter
when it is convenient for them.
people fucking suck sometimes.

gimmesometruth27

this winter
has been the longest
that i can remember.
i can't remember a time
when we have had
plowed snow mountains
8 feet high
that remain from a snow
that we had a month ago.
i can't remember a stretch
that we have had this long
below freezing.
another half foot of snow
on its way right now.
it piles up
and buries you
like the burden
of debts
and favors owed.
like the heavy weight
of a guilty conscience.
i'm waiting for the spring
to warm the earth
enough to melt the snow
and the ice
that is frozen in my veins.

gimmesometruth27

winter...

fuck you,

that is all.

its been a nasty
and cold winter.
i can not wait for spring.
sometimes i feel like
i am not going to make it.
but knowing it is coming
is what keeps me going.

SD48277

gimmesometruth27 said:

winter...

fuck you,

that is all.

its been a nasty
and cold winter.
i can not wait for spring.
sometimes i feel like
i am not going to make it.
but knowing it is coming
is what keeps me going.

It's like you are reading my mind.

Dear Winter,
You have overstayed your welcome. Pack your shit and go.

gimmesometruth27

i am pretty much over winter. i fucking hate it.

gimmesometruth27

to hold a candle for someone,
a person who no longer
acknowledges your existance,
is the most helpless feeling
that you can ever feel.
i don't get it.
i'm a good guy,
i'm a caring guy,
i am a fun guy,
i'm an attractive guy,
i'm a talented guy,
i have always been able
to be with whomever i wanted.
but for some reason,
just not in this case.

gimmesometruth27

every person has a story.
is it a good thing,
or a bad thing,
that i want to know
your story??
it is not just that.
i want to know it,
better than i know my own..

Aafke

I think our life story's make us who we are...