i used to believe
that patience and loyalty
were signs of strength.
i felt they were
qualities of mine
to be admired.
turns out that
they are nothing more
than simple
signs of weakness
to be exploited.
"You can tell the greatness of a man by what makes him angry." - Lincoln
i used to believe
that patience and loyalty
were signs of strength.
i felt they were
qualities of mine
to be admired.
turns out that
they are nothing more
than simple
signs of weakness
to be exploited.
I know what it feels like to be discouraged and hurt but I'm here to tell you that loyalty and patience are still good qualities even though people can be jerks and use loyal and patient people.
tired of wasting time
doing the wrong things
with the wrong people.
from now on,
if anybody wants
my time or
my attention or
my affection
they had better be
off-the-charts
exceptional.
damn.. and heres me just awesome.
keep writing rod... youre doing good stuff.
hear my name
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
i used to believe
that patience and loyalty
were signs of strength.
i felt they were
qualities of mine
to be admired.
turns out that
they are nothing more
than simple
signs of weakness
to be exploited.
I know what it feels like to be discouraged and hurt but I'm here to tell you that loyalty and patience are still good qualities even though people can be jerks and use loyal and patient people.
I hope you start to feel better soon.
i guess they are good qualities. people fail to recognize that in me a lot of the time. and when some of them do, it gets me used.
thanks for the kind words. i am actually doing much better, but i get these fleeting moments where i feel bad again. i have a 45 min commute to and from work and that gives me 90 minutes trapped in a car where i can not help but think of things. in the car is where most of my inspiration hits me, which is why i go to work and write in between patients. i come up with a lot of decent ideas on the way to and from work, unfortunately i lose a lot of it between parking and getting inside somewhere to sit down and write it down.
"You can tell the greatness of a man by what makes him angry." - Lincoln
tired of wasting time
doing the wrong things
with the wrong people.
from now on,
if anybody wants
my time or
my attention or
my affection
they had better be
off-the-charts
exceptional.
damn.. and heres me just awesome.
keep writing rod... youre doing good stuff.
thanks cate, and yes, you are pretty damn awesome
"You can tell the greatness of a man by what makes him angry." - Lincoln
my heart has softened.
i have no more
resentment,
anger,
or bitterness.
perhaps i was holding on
to those things
so that i could feel
like i was holding on
to something.
so that at least
when i thought of you
i would feel something.
instead of the nothing
that i feel now.
its been too long
since we have spoken.
hell,
if given a chance
i don't even know
what i would say.
there is so much i want
to say to you,
but i wouldn't know
where to begin.
this conflict we have
makes no sense to me.
i have tried to see it
from every angle.
it seems that it is
just so one sided.
i have no ill will,
nor animosity.
i let go of those things
months ago.
i thought that i could
handle it,
that i was grown up enough
for the situation.
that i was selfless enough
for the situation.
that i was self assured enough
for the situation.
that the situation
would somehow
work itself out.
like if i wanted it bad enough
it would be what i wanted it to be.
turns out i wasn't,
and and it didn't.
i am very
very sorry about that.
i had never tried
to work through something
like that before.
i know some things were said.
mean things. hurtful things.
but i never meant them.
it was in the heat of the moment.
i know you didn't mean them either.
i never took them personally.
but the more time passes,
i start to think,
"hey, maybe she did mean it."
at this point i don't know anymore.
i never thought
there would be a time
where i would lose you completely.
i never thought
there would be a time
where i would not know you at all.
that time has come.
i don't know you anymore,
and i do not know
how to deal with it.
you ever have that one person
where you want to reach out
and see how they are,
and wish them happiness
and wish them well,
with no strings attached?
you do not know
how it will be received,
so you don't do it?
that is what you are to me now.
i think about our situation
and how we got
to where we are.
it happens all of the time.
and i can't find a way out of it.
i have searched
to the bottom of my soul,
but i can not find the way
to know you again.
it doesn't have to be how
it was before.
i don't need to mean
what i meant to you before.
you don't have to be
what you were to me before.
i just miss my friend.
i want to know you.
i want to be able to talk to you.
i want to be able to
acknowledge things you say or post.
i miss talking about
music with you.
i miss talking about
day to day life with you.
i miss your opinions,
and how we would agree
on the most boring
and mundane things.
i miss that.
we never even got
to discuss lightning bolt
or the tour.
or the shows
that we attended
separately with our
separate groups of friends,
that seem to overlap so much.
from my side,
i don't see a reason
why we can't try
to salvage something.
i am willing to put in the work
to rebuild a friendship.
to rebuild a connection lost.
i want a chance to start anew.
"hi! my name is Rodney.
i drove from st. louis.
i play guitar in a band.
i like pearl jam,
that is why i made this trip.
what is your name?"
"You can tell the greatness of a man by what makes him angry." - Lincoln
I know what it feels like to be discouraged and hurt but I'm here to tell you that loyalty and patience are still good qualities even though people can be jerks and use loyal and patient people.
I hope you start to feel better soon.
i guess they are good qualities. people fail to recognize that in me a lot of the time. and when some of them do, it gets me used.
thanks for the kind words. i am actually doing much better, but i get these fleeting moments where i feel bad again. i have a 45 min commute to and from work and that gives me 90 minutes trapped in a car where i can not help but think of things. in the car is where most of my inspiration hits me, which is why i go to work and write in between patients. i come up with a lot of decent ideas on the way to and from work, unfortunately i lose a lot of it between parking and getting inside somewhere to sit down and write it down.
I'm glad you're feeling better. It's natural to feel upset sometimes. If you didn't, you wouldn't have a heart.
The thing about writing is that it lets you get the feelings and thoughts out so you can look at them later when you feel a bit less close to the feeling. Then you can sort through the ideas and make sense of the feelings.
I know what it feels like to be discouraged and hurt but I'm here to tell you that loyalty and patience are still good qualities even though people can be jerks and use loyal and patient people.
I hope you start to feel better soon.
i guess they are good qualities. people fail to recognize that in me a lot of the time. and when some of them do, it gets me used.
thanks for the kind words. i am actually doing much better, but i get these fleeting moments where i feel bad again. i have a 45 min commute to and from work and that gives me 90 minutes trapped in a car where i can not help but think of things. in the car is where most of my inspiration hits me, which is why i go to work and write in between patients. i come up with a lot of decent ideas on the way to and from work, unfortunately i lose a lot of it between parking and getting inside somewhere to sit down and write it down.
I'm glad you're feeling better. It's natural to feel upset sometimes. If you didn't, you wouldn't have a heart.
The thing about writing is that it lets you get the feelings and thoughts out so you can look at them later when you feel a bit less close to the feeling. Then you can sort through the ideas and make sense of the feelings.
So true!
"The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed".- Carl Jung.
"Art does not reproduce what we see; rather, it makes us see."- Paul Klee
I'm glad you're feeling better. It's natural to feel upset sometimes. If you didn't, you wouldn't have a heart.
The thing about writing is that it lets you get the feelings and thoughts out so you can look at them later when you feel a bit less close to the feeling. Then you can sort through the ideas and make sense of the feelings.
thanks
yeah i have notebooks from a few years ago with pages and pages of stuff written in them. i never typed any of that stuff. nowadays it is just as easy to type new stuff here instead of write it out and transcribe it. it is always a little scary to go back and read some of that old stuff. i know a lot more about those situations now than i did then, and i have 100% more clarity, so it is strange to go back and read what i was writing about when i did not know all of the information. i do go back from time to time and play some of the terrible, terrible songs i used to write :fp: those things will never, ever, see the light of day haha..
"You can tell the greatness of a man by what makes him angry." - Lincoln
I'm glad you're feeling better. It's natural to feel upset sometimes. If you didn't, you wouldn't have a heart.
The thing about writing is that it lets you get the feelings and thoughts out so you can look at them later when you feel a bit less close to the feeling. Then you can sort through the ideas and make sense of the feelings.
thanks
yeah i have notebooks from a few years ago with pages and pages of stuff written in them. i never typed any of that stuff. nowadays it is just as easy to type new stuff here instead of write it out and transcribe it. it is always a little scary to go back and read some of that old stuff. i know a lot more about those situations now than i did then, and i have 100% more clarity, so it is strange to go back and read what i was writing about when i did not know all of the information. i do go back from time to time and play some of the terrible, terrible songs i used to write :fp: those things will never, ever, see the light of day haha..
You're braver than me to actually sing and record it when you're upset!
It takes a lot for me to just write stuff down and admit how I feel to myself when I'm in the middle of some turmoil. :oops: :P
What I find most interesting about the process is that sometimes when I go back to something that was difficult to write down, it doesn't seem nearly as revealing as it felt at the time I was writing it!
yeah i have notebooks from a few years ago with pages and pages of stuff written in them. i never typed any of that stuff. nowadays it is just as easy to type new stuff here instead of write it out and transcribe it. it is always a little scary to go back and read some of that old stuff. i know a lot more about those situations now than i did then, and i have 100% more clarity, so it is strange to go back and read what i was writing about when i did not know all of the information. i do go back from time to time and play some of the terrible, terrible songs i used to write :fp: those things will never, ever, see the light of day haha..
You're braver than me to actually sing and record it when you're upset!
It takes a lot for me to just write stuff down and admit how I feel to myself when I'm in the middle of some turmoil. :oops: :P
What I find most interesting about the process is that sometimes when I go back to something that was difficult to write down, it doesn't seem nearly as revealing as it felt at the time I was writing it!
i am all about things being raw. the more upset or ill at ease the better. i am a sucker for honesty. i have some videos of me singing things when i was upset and you can totally see the pained look on my face. it is really, really hard for me to watch some of them. i have an audio program on my comupter called audacity that i record with, but for some reason it has been acting up lately and i can not get anything to record. it is like the microphone is not working or something, so it is easier to just use my little flip cam. at least i have it recorded somehow.
for me, the writing down is the easy part. i just let it all out. i have never been good at being able to tell someone what i am thinking. like when i would have a g/f and we would argue or she would want to know my feelings on something i could never ever verbalize them. that issue cost me a lot of relationships over the years. i am so much better at writing it down than i am verbalizing it. the last few years i have made it a point to verbalize my feelings more often. it was something i actually had to practice. and because i have been able to write them i have forced myself to be able to verbalize them. i find that you have to be honest with yourself before you can be honest with someone else. you have to be honest with how you feel and what you think or you can never communicate that to someone else. i just write, and it is a way of collecting my thoughts. a piece of paper can not get mad at you. a woman can. you can say whatever you want to a computer screen or a piece of paper. when you say those things to other actual people, you have to be careful what you say sometimes. i guess i am better at writing because there is no need to edit yourself, while when speaking to someone, you kinda always have to edit yourself in some ways.
i think when you go back and read it it is not as revealing to you because you psyched yourself out. you thought you wrote this super revealing work and you felt better for getting it all out and you went back to read it and realized that you only thought you revealed too much because you thinking about it was a way of letting go. even though you did not write certain parts of it, you thought about it and that was your release. makes sense to me anyway haha..
"You can tell the greatness of a man by what makes him angry." - Lincoln
I also believe that writing stuff done honest , but for me when its raw, there is a most of the time much double written in my text. By editing it I come to the kernel of my feelings. Leaving all the frill, witch clouds the point I am trying to express behind. In my daily life I am quit good with words, but expressing my feeling is a whole different story. I can verbalize greatly, but by doing this I lose the contact with the feelings, it's like I am telling a story about someone else. I disconnect from myself. While writing and painting I keep close to myself and am able to work trough the emotions. This gives me release.
"The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed".- Carl Jung.
"Art does not reproduce what we see; rather, it makes us see."- Paul Klee
I also believe that writing stuff done honest , but for me when its raw, there is a most of the time much double written in my text. By editing it I come to the kernel of my feelings. Leaving all the frill, witch clouds the point I am trying to express behind. In my daily life I am quit good with words, but expressing my feeling is a whole different story. I can verbalize greatly, but by doing this I lose the contact with the feelings, it's like I am telling a story about someone else. I disconnect from myself. While writing and painting I keep close to myself and am able to work trough the emotions. This gives me release.
yeah i get stuff double written a lot. probably because i am dwelling on something, or those thoughts were really important to me or the were key to why i was feeling the way i was feeling. i think things get repeated subconsciously for emphasis. i try to not say too much, but i don't like editing things down. i know i am long winded at times, but if i edit things down or go back and change things i feel like i am losing the mood that i was in when i wrote it. i know that this is not how it is supposed to be done, but i am really big about keeping my stuff in its original form for some reason. i have always been that way. i would go back and try to be more concise and to me the piece loses something that it had when i originally wrote it, ya know? trimming the fat is a good thing, but i have never worried about brevity. like i said, i just like to start writing and see what comes out. i can see how repetition can cloud the point, but at the same time it can emphasize something as well.
i have never tried painting. do you post your work anywhere on here? i would like to check it out.
"You can tell the greatness of a man by what makes him angry." - Lincoln
I also believe that writing stuff done honest , but for me when its raw, there is a most of the time much double written in my text. By editing it I come to the kernel of my feelings. Leaving all the frill, witch clouds the point I am trying to express behind. In my daily life I am quit good with words, but expressing my feeling is a whole different story. I can verbalize greatly, but by doing this I lose the contact with the feelings, it's like I am telling a story about someone else. I disconnect from myself. While writing and painting I keep close to myself and am able to work trough the emotions. This gives me release.
yeah i get stuff double written a lot. probably because i am dwelling on something, or those thoughts were really important to me or the were key to why i was feeling the way i was feeling. i think things get repeated subconsciously for emphasis. i try to not say too much, but i don't like editing things down. i know i am long winded at times, but if i edit things down or go back and change things i feel like i am losing the mood that i was in when i wrote it. i know that this is not how it is supposed to be done, but i am really big about keeping my stuff in its original form for some reason. i have always been that way. i would go back and try to be more concise and to me the piece loses something that it had when i originally wrote it, ya know? trimming the fat is a good thing, but i have never worried about brevity. like i said, i just like to start writing and see what comes out. i can see how repetition can cloud the point, but at the same time it can emphasize something as well.
i have never tried painting. do you post your work anywhere on here? i would like to check it out.
Yes I did, By three off my poems, Chained and silenced, Last Kiss, and Wave, also at the Art wall, The way water is flowing, Not only paintings by the way also drawings... More will follow, but one piece at the time, I would like to hear your feedback.
Sometimes a picture says more than thousand words, hi, hi
"The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed".- Carl Jung.
"Art does not reproduce what we see; rather, it makes us see."- Paul Klee
i just had a chance to read your threads and see your art. i don't normally spend a lot of time on here because i tend to get lost in everybody's writing, and it makes me feel like such an amateur writer when i read what others have written. you are a very talented writer, and you, like me, write with a lot of emotion and honesty, and you are very good at it. i also saw some of your paintings and drawings and they are very good as well. they make your writing more effective when the pictures are there, because i see what you saw. very good stuff and keep up the good work
Yes I did, By three off my poems, Chained and silenced, Last Kiss, and Wave, also at the Art wall, The way water is flowing, Not only paintings by the way also drawings... More will follow, but one piece at the time, I would like to hear your feedback.
Sometimes a picture says more than thousand words, hi, hi
"You can tell the greatness of a man by what makes him angry." - Lincoln
i just had a chance to read your threads and see your art. i don't normally spend a lot of time on here because i tend to get lost in everybody's writing, and it makes me feel like such an amateur writer when i read what others have written. you are a very talented writer, and you, like me, write with a lot of emotion and honesty, and you are very good at it. i also saw some of your paintings and drawings and they are very good as well. they make your writing more effective when the pictures are there, because i see what you saw. very good stuff and keep up the good work
Yes I did, By three off my poems, Chained and silenced, Last Kiss, and Wave, also at the Art wall, The way water is flowing, Not only paintings by the way also drawings... More will follow, but one piece at the time, I would like to hear your feedback.
Sometimes a picture says more than thousand words, hi, hi
Thank you ! I'll do that... At least I'll try to do that, hi, hi
"The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed".- Carl Jung.
"Art does not reproduce what we see; rather, it makes us see."- Paul Klee
I think this openness is excellent. Even if no one else sees it, it probably helps you flush the extreme emotions out so you can sort them. It seems very much like do-it-yourself therapy!
i am all about things being raw. the more upset or ill at ease the better. i am a sucker for honesty. i have some videos of me singing things when i was upset and you can totally see the pained look on my face. it is really, really hard for me to watch some of them. i have an audio program on my comupter called audacity that i record with, but for some reason it has been acting up lately and i can not get anything to record. it is like the microphone is not working or something, so it is easier to just use my little flip cam. at least i have it recorded somehow.
for me, the writing down is the easy part. i just let it all out. i have never been good at being able to tell someone what i am thinking. like when i would have a g/f and we would argue or she would want to know my feelings on something i could never ever verbalize them. that issue cost me a lot of relationships over the years. i am so much better at writing it down than i am verbalizing it. the last few years i have made it a point to verbalize my feelings more often. it was something i actually had to practice. and because i have been able to write them i have forced myself to be able to verbalize them. i find that you have to be honest with yourself before you can be honest with someone else. you have to be honest with how you feel and what you think or you can never communicate that to someone else. i just write, and it is a way of collecting my thoughts. a piece of paper can not get mad at you. a woman can. you can say whatever you want to a computer screen or a piece of paper. when you say those things to other actual people, you have to be careful what you say sometimes. i guess i am better at writing because there is no need to edit yourself, while when speaking to someone, you kinda always have to edit yourself in some ways.
i think when you go back and read it it is not as revealing to you because you psyched yourself out. you thought you wrote this super revealing work and you felt better for getting it all out and you went back to read it and realized that you only thought you revealed too much because you thinking about it was a way of letting go. even though you did not write certain parts of it, you thought about it and that was your release. makes sense to me anyway haha..
I think this openness is excellent. Even if no one else sees it, it probably helps you flush the extreme emotions out so you can sort them. It seems very much like do-it-yourself therapy!
it is very much do-it-yourself therapy. for me, it is all about flushing it out. just write until it goes away, ya know?
i talked to a counselor for a few sessions a couple of years ago, and writing has helped me more than she ever did.
"You can tell the greatness of a man by what makes him angry." - Lincoln
I think this openness is excellent. Even if no one else sees it, it probably helps you flush the extreme emotions out so you can sort them. It seems very much like do-it-yourself therapy!
it is very much do-it-yourself therapy. for me, it is all about flushing it out. just write until it goes away, ya know?
i talked to a counselor for a few sessions a couple of years ago, and writing has helped me more than she ever did.
sometimes
i can't believe
what i do when i drink.
hooking up with people
that i don't know,
and i don't like.
in the haze and fog
of a night of wine,
sometimes things
occur that seem like
good ideas at the time.
then i regain consciousness
and i regain sobriety
in a bed that is not mine
in a place i have never been.
i am ashamed
of my behavior at times.
this is one of them.
"You can tell the greatness of a man by what makes him angry." - Lincoln
it's been a crazy year.
one of the best
and one of the worst
years of my life.
lots of ups and downs.
lots of memories made.
good and bad.
took a few trips.
saw a few shows.
wrote a few songs.
songs that i am not ashamed
to claim as mine.
played a few gigs.
dated a few women.
broke a couple of hearts,
and got mine broken too.
lots of new friends made.
some of those friendships
are going strong,
while a few have run their course
and withered away.
none of those that ended
were by my choice.
i hate when that happens.
i can't do anything about it.
choices have been made,
things have been said,
and i can't take them back.
i am not indifferent about it.
i want to be,
but i am not.
when people walk away
it always hurts.
you can try to make them stay,
but that never works.
you can watch them walk away.
you can walk after them if you want,
but that makes them walk away
at a faster pace.
before you know it
they are sprinting,
and you can't keep up.
so you watch them run away
knowing there is nothing
that you can do but give up.
all you can do
is wish them well.
wish them luck
and wish them happiness,
and hope they find
whatever it is that they are looking for.
and leave it at that.
you can still wonder about them.
you can still care about them,
but that's about it.
then you realize that
if they wanted you to be a part of their life
in any capacity,
no matter how insignificant,
you would be.
but since you aren't,
that is how they want it.
and then you just walk
in a different direction
and find your own way
to somewhere else.
i know of a few
babies born this year.
but i know more people
who have passed away.
one of my best friends is gone.
fucking drugs.
that one really took a terrible toll on me.
my friend's mom is dying now.
fucking cancer.
my friend was preceded by my dog.
had him for 11 years.
we had a good run together,
but i had to let him go.
fucking cancer.
but overall,
more people have entered my life
this year than have departed it.
i guess that can't be a bad thing.
years from now
i will look back on
this year as one
of the worst of my life
in some ways.
but in some ways
it was one of the best.
there is still time
for something amazing to happen.
but as it is now,
i would not be sad
to see 2013 off
and start anew next year.
it gets better from here.
"You can tell the greatness of a man by what makes him angry." - Lincoln
i miss you
more than i care to admit.
i miss you
more than you will ever know.
i miss you
so much that it hurts.
not just in my heart,
but all around it.
in my lungs,
when i think of you
and take a deep breath,
i get a pain there.
my stomach burns
when i think of you.
my whole body aches
and nothing makes it stop.
still to this day,
it does not get easier.
they say this fades with time.
but if it hasn't by now,
then when?
"You can tell the greatness of a man by what makes him angry." - Lincoln
i would play the knockout game for you.
no, i would not throw the punch.
i would seriously
walk down the street
and unexpectedly
take a punch in the face
just for you.
i'll bet you've never
heard that one before.
is that kind of commitment
flattering, or
is it crazy?
"You can tell the greatness of a man by what makes him angry." - Lincoln
my best friend's mom died last night.
she had had cancer
and had been sick for a long time.
she was able to pass away
quietly, and with dignity.
i have come to realize
that life is for the living,
and only for the living.
the dead are gone.
they are no longer alive,
no longer living.
the survivors
live on.
they continue their journey
through this world of the living.
sometimes that feels
like a relief.
a weight lifted.
while sometimes it feels
like a burden.
but it is something that
you just have to get through
at all costs.
until it is your time
to quit the world of the living.
"You can tell the greatness of a man by what makes him angry." - Lincoln
my best friend's mom died last night.
she had had cancer
and had been sick for a long time.
she was able to pass away
quietly, and with dignity.
i have come to realize
that life is for the living,
and only for the living.
the dead are gone.
they are no longer alive,
no longer living.
the survivors
live on.
they continue their journey
through this world of the living.
sometimes that feels
like a relief.
a weight lifted.
while sometimes it feels
like a burden.
but it is something that
you just have to get through
at all costs.
until it is your time
to quit the world of the living.
So true, and beautifully said. Life is for the living...
"The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed".- Carl Jung.
"Art does not reproduce what we see; rather, it makes us see."- Paul Klee
my best friend's mom died last night.
she had had cancer
and had been sick for a long time.
she was able to pass away
quietly, and with dignity.
i have come to realize
that life is for the living,
and only for the living.
the dead are gone.
they are no longer alive,
no longer living.
the survivors
live on.
they continue their journey
through this world of the living.
sometimes that feels
like a relief.
a weight lifted.
while sometimes it feels
like a burden.
but it is something that
you just have to get through
at all costs.
until it is your time
to quit the world of the living.
So true, and beautifully said. Life is for the living...
thank you.
life is for the living, and life is for living. we all had better live with the time that we have left.
"You can tell the greatness of a man by what makes him angry." - Lincoln
"The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed".- Carl Jung.
"Art does not reproduce what we see; rather, it makes us see."- Paul Klee
That's why I do love old graveyards... Nature takes over what humans try to arrange into order. Chaos takes over again like this tree that grows around a broken gravestone. What I like about this pic are the little fragile flowers growing over the tree and gravestone. I think it's beautiful...
"The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed".- Carl Jung.
"Art does not reproduce what we see; rather, it makes us see."- Paul Klee
That's why I do love old graveyards... Nature takes over what humans try to arrange into order. Chaos takes over again like this tree that grows around a broken gravestone. What I like about this pic are the little fragile flowers growing over the tree and gravestone. I think it's beautiful...
yeah this is a great pic.
i love seeing old graveyards. there is one here in town with headstones from the 1700s. pretty amazing to me, given that this city was not even purchased by the us until the early 1800s.
"You can tell the greatness of a man by what makes him angry." - Lincoln
Comments
that patience and loyalty
were signs of strength.
i felt they were
qualities of mine
to be admired.
turns out that
they are nothing more
than simple
signs of weakness
to be exploited.
"Well, you tell him that I don't talk to suckas."
I know what it feels like to be discouraged and hurt but I'm here to tell you that loyalty and patience are still good qualities even though people can be jerks and use loyal and patient people.
I hope you start to feel better soon.
damn.. and heres me just awesome.
keep writing rod... youre doing good stuff.
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
thanks for the kind words. i am actually doing much better, but i get these fleeting moments where i feel bad again. i have a 45 min commute to and from work and that gives me 90 minutes trapped in a car where i can not help but think of things. in the car is where most of my inspiration hits me, which is why i go to work and write in between patients. i come up with a lot of decent ideas on the way to and from work, unfortunately i lose a lot of it between parking and getting inside somewhere to sit down and write it down.
"Well, you tell him that I don't talk to suckas."
"Well, you tell him that I don't talk to suckas."
i have no more
resentment,
anger,
or bitterness.
perhaps i was holding on
to those things
so that i could feel
like i was holding on
to something.
so that at least
when i thought of you
i would feel something.
instead of the nothing
that i feel now.
its been too long
since we have spoken.
hell,
if given a chance
i don't even know
what i would say.
there is so much i want
to say to you,
but i wouldn't know
where to begin.
this conflict we have
makes no sense to me.
i have tried to see it
from every angle.
it seems that it is
just so one sided.
i have no ill will,
nor animosity.
i let go of those things
months ago.
i thought that i could
handle it,
that i was grown up enough
for the situation.
that i was selfless enough
for the situation.
that i was self assured enough
for the situation.
that the situation
would somehow
work itself out.
like if i wanted it bad enough
it would be what i wanted it to be.
turns out i wasn't,
and and it didn't.
i am very
very sorry about that.
i had never tried
to work through something
like that before.
i know some things were said.
mean things. hurtful things.
but i never meant them.
it was in the heat of the moment.
i know you didn't mean them either.
i never took them personally.
but the more time passes,
i start to think,
"hey, maybe she did mean it."
at this point i don't know anymore.
i never thought
there would be a time
where i would lose you completely.
i never thought
there would be a time
where i would not know you at all.
that time has come.
i don't know you anymore,
and i do not know
how to deal with it.
you ever have that one person
where you want to reach out
and see how they are,
and wish them happiness
and wish them well,
with no strings attached?
you do not know
how it will be received,
so you don't do it?
that is what you are to me now.
i think about our situation
and how we got
to where we are.
it happens all of the time.
and i can't find a way out of it.
i have searched
to the bottom of my soul,
but i can not find the way
to know you again.
it doesn't have to be how
it was before.
i don't need to mean
what i meant to you before.
you don't have to be
what you were to me before.
i just miss my friend.
i want to know you.
i want to be able to talk to you.
i want to be able to
acknowledge things you say or post.
i miss talking about
music with you.
i miss talking about
day to day life with you.
i miss your opinions,
and how we would agree
on the most boring
and mundane things.
i miss that.
we never even got
to discuss lightning bolt
or the tour.
or the shows
that we attended
separately with our
separate groups of friends,
that seem to overlap so much.
from my side,
i don't see a reason
why we can't try
to salvage something.
i am willing to put in the work
to rebuild a friendship.
to rebuild a connection lost.
i want a chance to start anew.
"hi! my name is Rodney.
i drove from st. louis.
i play guitar in a band.
i like pearl jam,
that is why i made this trip.
what is your name?"
"Well, you tell him that I don't talk to suckas."
I'm glad you're feeling better. It's natural to feel upset sometimes. If you didn't, you wouldn't have a heart.
The thing about writing is that it lets you get the feelings and thoughts out so you can look at them later when you feel a bit less close to the feeling. Then you can sort through the ideas and make sense of the feelings.
So true!
"The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed".- Carl Jung.
"Art does not reproduce what we see; rather, it makes us see."- Paul Klee
yeah i have notebooks from a few years ago with pages and pages of stuff written in them. i never typed any of that stuff. nowadays it is just as easy to type new stuff here instead of write it out and transcribe it. it is always a little scary to go back and read some of that old stuff. i know a lot more about those situations now than i did then, and i have 100% more clarity, so it is strange to go back and read what i was writing about when i did not know all of the information. i do go back from time to time and play some of the terrible, terrible songs i used to write
"Well, you tell him that I don't talk to suckas."
You're braver than me to actually sing and record it when you're upset!
It takes a lot for me to just write stuff down and admit how I feel to myself when I'm in the middle of some turmoil. :oops: :P
What I find most interesting about the process is that sometimes when I go back to something that was difficult to write down, it doesn't seem nearly as revealing as it felt at the time I was writing it!
i am all about things being raw. the more upset or ill at ease the better. i am a sucker for honesty. i have some videos of me singing things when i was upset and you can totally see the pained look on my face. it is really, really hard for me to watch some of them. i have an audio program on my comupter called audacity that i record with, but for some reason it has been acting up lately and i can not get anything to record. it is like the microphone is not working or something, so it is easier to just use my little flip cam. at least i have it recorded somehow.
for me, the writing down is the easy part. i just let it all out. i have never been good at being able to tell someone what i am thinking. like when i would have a g/f and we would argue or she would want to know my feelings on something i could never ever verbalize them. that issue cost me a lot of relationships over the years. i am so much better at writing it down than i am verbalizing it. the last few years i have made it a point to verbalize my feelings more often. it was something i actually had to practice. and because i have been able to write them i have forced myself to be able to verbalize them. i find that you have to be honest with yourself before you can be honest with someone else. you have to be honest with how you feel and what you think or you can never communicate that to someone else. i just write, and it is a way of collecting my thoughts. a piece of paper can not get mad at you. a woman can. you can say whatever you want to a computer screen or a piece of paper. when you say those things to other actual people, you have to be careful what you say sometimes. i guess i am better at writing because there is no need to edit yourself, while when speaking to someone, you kinda always have to edit yourself in some ways.
i think when you go back and read it it is not as revealing to you because you psyched yourself out. you thought you wrote this super revealing work and you felt better for getting it all out and you went back to read it and realized that you only thought you revealed too much because you thinking about it was a way of letting go. even though you did not write certain parts of it, you thought about it and that was your release. makes sense to me anyway haha..
"Well, you tell him that I don't talk to suckas."
"The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed".- Carl Jung.
"Art does not reproduce what we see; rather, it makes us see."- Paul Klee
i have never tried painting. do you post your work anywhere on here? i would like to check it out.
"Well, you tell him that I don't talk to suckas."
Yes I did, By three off my poems, Chained and silenced, Last Kiss, and Wave, also at the Art wall, The way water is flowing, Not only paintings by the way also drawings... More will follow, but one piece at the time, I would like to hear your feedback.
Sometimes a picture says more than thousand words, hi, hi
"The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed".- Carl Jung.
"Art does not reproduce what we see; rather, it makes us see."- Paul Klee
"Well, you tell him that I don't talk to suckas."
"The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed".- Carl Jung.
"Art does not reproduce what we see; rather, it makes us see."- Paul Klee
it is very much do-it-yourself therapy. for me, it is all about flushing it out. just write until it goes away, ya know?
i talked to a counselor for a few sessions a couple of years ago, and writing has helped me more than she ever did.
"Well, you tell him that I don't talk to suckas."
i can't believe
what i do when i drink.
hooking up with people
that i don't know,
and i don't like.
in the haze and fog
of a night of wine,
sometimes things
occur that seem like
good ideas at the time.
then i regain consciousness
and i regain sobriety
in a bed that is not mine
in a place i have never been.
i am ashamed
of my behavior at times.
this is one of them.
"Well, you tell him that I don't talk to suckas."
one of the best
and one of the worst
years of my life.
lots of ups and downs.
lots of memories made.
good and bad.
took a few trips.
saw a few shows.
wrote a few songs.
songs that i am not ashamed
to claim as mine.
played a few gigs.
dated a few women.
broke a couple of hearts,
and got mine broken too.
lots of new friends made.
some of those friendships
are going strong,
while a few have run their course
and withered away.
none of those that ended
were by my choice.
i hate when that happens.
i can't do anything about it.
choices have been made,
things have been said,
and i can't take them back.
i am not indifferent about it.
i want to be,
but i am not.
when people walk away
it always hurts.
you can try to make them stay,
but that never works.
you can watch them walk away.
you can walk after them if you want,
but that makes them walk away
at a faster pace.
before you know it
they are sprinting,
and you can't keep up.
so you watch them run away
knowing there is nothing
that you can do but give up.
all you can do
is wish them well.
wish them luck
and wish them happiness,
and hope they find
whatever it is that they are looking for.
and leave it at that.
you can still wonder about them.
you can still care about them,
but that's about it.
then you realize that
if they wanted you to be a part of their life
in any capacity,
no matter how insignificant,
you would be.
but since you aren't,
that is how they want it.
and then you just walk
in a different direction
and find your own way
to somewhere else.
i know of a few
babies born this year.
but i know more people
who have passed away.
one of my best friends is gone.
fucking drugs.
that one really took a terrible toll on me.
my friend's mom is dying now.
fucking cancer.
my friend was preceded by my dog.
had him for 11 years.
we had a good run together,
but i had to let him go.
fucking cancer.
but overall,
more people have entered my life
this year than have departed it.
i guess that can't be a bad thing.
years from now
i will look back on
this year as one
of the worst of my life
in some ways.
but in some ways
it was one of the best.
there is still time
for something amazing to happen.
but as it is now,
i would not be sad
to see 2013 off
and start anew next year.
it gets better from here.
"Well, you tell him that I don't talk to suckas."
more than i care to admit.
i miss you
more than you will ever know.
i miss you
so much that it hurts.
not just in my heart,
but all around it.
in my lungs,
when i think of you
and take a deep breath,
i get a pain there.
my stomach burns
when i think of you.
my whole body aches
and nothing makes it stop.
still to this day,
it does not get easier.
they say this fades with time.
but if it hasn't by now,
then when?
"Well, you tell him that I don't talk to suckas."
no, i would not throw the punch.
i would seriously
walk down the street
and unexpectedly
take a punch in the face
just for you.
i'll bet you've never
heard that one before.
is that kind of commitment
flattering, or
is it crazy?
"Well, you tell him that I don't talk to suckas."
she had had cancer
and had been sick for a long time.
she was able to pass away
quietly, and with dignity.
i have come to realize
that life is for the living,
and only for the living.
the dead are gone.
they are no longer alive,
no longer living.
the survivors
live on.
they continue their journey
through this world of the living.
sometimes that feels
like a relief.
a weight lifted.
while sometimes it feels
like a burden.
but it is something that
you just have to get through
at all costs.
until it is your time
to quit the world of the living.
"Well, you tell him that I don't talk to suckas."
So true, and beautifully said. Life is for the living...
"The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed".- Carl Jung.
"Art does not reproduce what we see; rather, it makes us see."- Paul Klee
life is for the living, and life is for living. we all had better live with the time that we have left.
"Well, you tell him that I don't talk to suckas."
"The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed".- Carl Jung.
"Art does not reproduce what we see; rather, it makes us see."- Paul Klee
"Well, you tell him that I don't talk to suckas."
"The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed".- Carl Jung.
"Art does not reproduce what we see; rather, it makes us see."- Paul Klee
i love seeing old graveyards. there is one here in town with headstones from the 1700s. pretty amazing to me, given that this city was not even purchased by the us until the early 1800s.
"Well, you tell him that I don't talk to suckas."