Two guys are out playing golf. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
You :" Hey Man" , "You remember your first blow job?"
Unexpecting buddy : "Oh yeahhhh , it was great!!!!!!"
You : "How did it taste?"
Works 99% of the time!
1994 : Memphis 1995 : New Orleans 1996 : Seattle
1998 : St Louis, Birmingham, Knoxville
2000 : Memphis, Nashville, St Louis
2003 : Irvine 1+2, Vegas, Bridge School 1+2, Santa Barbara
2005 : Missoula, Vancouver, Gorge 2006 : LA 1+2, Vegas
2008 : W Palm Beach, Tampa, Who Rock Honors, EV LA 2
2009 : LA 1, LA 4, EV 1 Nashville 2011 : EV Long Beach
2012: EV Vegas 1+2
2013 LA 1+2 2018 Prague, Wrigley 2 2020 Phoenix, SD
An unemployed dole bludger (govt benefits) was having a drink in a bar when a priest walked up to him and said
'I see how you are caressing that beer and how much you can drink in one mouthful will you give me a blow job for $200'
The bludger then punched the man straight in the face. The barman said
'What was that for?'
'Ah he said something about a job'
Sydney 11/02/2003
Sydney 14/02/2003
Sydney 07/11/2006
Sydney 18/11/2006
Sydney 22/11/2009
EV Sydney 18/03/2011
EV Sydney 19/03/2011
EV Sydney 20/03/2011
Melbourne 24/01/2014
Sydney 26/01/2014
EV Sydney 13/02/2014
A guy lies hung over on a beach after a party. lying next to him in the sand is a genie bottle. He says "what the hell ill rub it" a genie appears. Genie says "you get but 1 wish." The man thinking he's still drunk says as a wise ass "I wish I could piss vodka."
Later that evening while taking a piss he notices it stings while he pisses. He then remembers the Genie dream and says "nah that couldnt happen" His curiosity gets the best of him and he decides to taste it sure enough its vodka. He pisses in a glass and brings it to his wife. She drinks and he tells her the story. She's in disbalief. But being a lush she loves the idea.
The next day she comes home from work and her husband has 2 glasses ready for them. This goes on for 3 days.
The 4th day there are no glasses on the table. She says "Whats wrong?" He replies to her " Tonight you drink straight from the bottle"
A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"
Montreal 2003. Halifax 2005. EV Montreal 2008. Toronto 2009
Toronto 2011 1 & 2 London 2013. Quebec City 2016. Ottawa 2016
Fenway 2016 1 & 2
"I get into a state of consciousness that I can't explain. It is about feeling and not thinking. I get positive chills and insight into things that I can't get to any other way. It is Healing of the Soul." - Mike McCready
An American businessman is on his first business trip to Japan, attempting to land a huge conglomerate as a client.
He is scheduled to play golf with the CEO of this Japanese conglomerate the day after he arrives in Tokyo.
The night before the golf outing he is tense, so he calls a Japanese escort service to help relieve the tension.
A beautiful Japanese "escort" arrives at his hotel room, she speaks no English, but no conversation is really necessary.
The two of them start to engage in sexual relations and as they get going, the escort starts repeatedly screaming, "akai! akai! akai!" over and over. The business man thinks he must have been pretty good in the sack and really put this escort into the throes of ecstasy.
The next day he meets the CEO at the golf course and they begin to play and discuss their possible venture.
They reach the 4th hole, a par 3 and the Japanese CEO tees off and wouldn't you know it, a hole in one.
The American thinks to himself, here's my chance to impress him by showing how excited I am for him and showing a little knowledge of the Japanese language, so he yells out "Akai!, Akai! Akai!"
The CEO turns to him and says "What the hell you mean wrong hole?!"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,
-Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
-Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
-Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
-Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
-Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment.
“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
The worst enemies of music? Money and Mathematics. Combined with music, they both do the exact opposite of what they're supposed to do. Money makes music cheap, mathematics makes it stupid and predictable.
____
Zagreb 2006/ Munich 2007/ Venice 2007/ Berlin 2009 / Venice 2010 / 2 x Berlin 2012 / Stockholm 2012 / Milan 2014 / Trieste 2014 / Vienna 2014 / Florence (EV) 2019 / Padova 2018 / Prague 2018 / Imola 2022 / Budapest 2022 / Vienna 2022 / Prague 2022
A blonde was driving to Disneyland and saw a sign that said "Disneyland, Left"
So she turned around and went home :-)
"I'll ride the wave,Where it takes me, I'll hold the pain, Release me"
"I'm not about to give thanks or appologize"
"Caught a bolt of lighting, cursed the day he let it go"
a bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods
the bear looks down at the rabbit and says
"do you have any trouble with shit sticking to your fur?"
the rabbit says "no"
so the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit
The whole world will be different soon... - EV
RED ROCKS 6-19-95
AUGUSTA 9-26-96
MANSFIELD 9-15-98
BOSTON 9-29-04
BOSTON 5-25-06
MANSFIELD 6-30-08
EV SOLO BOSTON 8-01-08
BOSTON 5-17-10
EV SOLO BOSTON 6-16-11
PJ20 9-3-11
PJ20 9-4-11
WRIGLEY 7-19-13
WORCESTER 10-15-13
WORCESTER 10-16-13
HARTFORD 10-25-13
why do they call a roach clip a 'roach clip'?
because potholder was already taken
(I only know jokes that will get me banned...sorry)
Thanks for the chance!
The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun.
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed
by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls
that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde
stepped out. The father said quietly to his son..."Go get your mother."
Thanks for the fun contest! Joke telling is becoming a lost art - no one tells them anymore...
Comments
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
*
*
*
One, if you hit him right.
Love u, Tony!
Unexpecting buddy : "Oh yeahhhh , it was great!!!!!!"
You : "How did it taste?"
Works 99% of the time!
1998 : St Louis, Birmingham, Knoxville
2000 : Memphis, Nashville, St Louis
2003 : Irvine 1+2, Vegas, Bridge School 1+2, Santa Barbara
2005 : Missoula, Vancouver, Gorge 2006 : LA 1+2, Vegas
2008 : W Palm Beach, Tampa, Who Rock Honors, EV LA 2
2009 : LA 1, LA 4, EV 1 Nashville 2011 : EV Long Beach
2012: EV Vegas 1+2
2013 LA 1+2 2018 Prague, Wrigley 2
2020 Phoenix, SD
PJ - Wembley Arena, 29 May 00
PJ - Wembley Arena, 30 May 00
PJ - Cardiff International Arena, 06 June 00
PJ - Wembley Arena, 18 Jun 07
PJ - O2 London, 18 Aug 09
PJ - O2 Dublin, 22 Jun 10
EV - Hammersmith Apollo, 30 Jul 12
EV - Hammersmith Apollo, 31 Jul 12
PJ - Leeds First Direct Arena, 08 Jul 14
PJ - Milton Keynes Bowl, 11 Jul 14
EV - Hammersmith Apollo, 06 Jun 17
EV - Hammersmith Apollo, 07 Jun 17
PJ - O2 Arena, London, 18 Jun 18
PJ - O2 Arena, London, 19 Jun 18
PJ - O2 Arena, London, 17 Jul 18
'I see how you are caressing that beer and how much you can drink in one mouthful will you give me a blow job for $200'
The bludger then punched the man straight in the face. The barman said
'What was that for?'
'Ah he said something about a job'
Sydney 14/02/2003
Sydney 07/11/2006
Sydney 18/11/2006
Sydney 22/11/2009
EV Sydney 18/03/2011
EV Sydney 19/03/2011
EV Sydney 20/03/2011
Melbourne 24/01/2014
Sydney 26/01/2014
EV Sydney 13/02/2014
Later that evening while taking a piss he notices it stings while he pisses. He then remembers the Genie dream and says "nah that couldnt happen" His curiosity gets the best of him and he decides to taste it sure enough its vodka. He pisses in a glass and brings it to his wife. She drinks and he tells her the story. She's in disbalief. But being a lush she loves the idea.
The next day she comes home from work and her husband has 2 glasses ready for them. This goes on for 3 days.
The 4th day there are no glasses on the table. She says "Whats wrong?" He replies to her " Tonight you drink straight from the bottle"
Thanks for the opportunity
growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow
between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is
that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the saplin.
The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree
expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or
a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.
He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son
of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I
have ever put my pecker in."
Toronto 2011 1 & 2 London 2013. Quebec City 2016. Ottawa 2016
Fenway 2016 1 & 2
A pain in the knee.
They both stand on tiptoe but shit reaches their lower lip, they barely breath and they find it difficult to speak without ingurgitating some.
So one of the guys says: "I think we're gonna die!"
The other one says: "Why?"
Then, the first one answers: "Because I want to crap."
Thanks for the contest, joe2468.
http://www.facebook.com/pages/ZaRoFF/95885951739?created#!/profile.php?id=100001560978213
Def Leppard
He is scheduled to play golf with the CEO of this Japanese conglomerate the day after he arrives in Tokyo.
The night before the golf outing he is tense, so he calls a Japanese escort service to help relieve the tension.
A beautiful Japanese "escort" arrives at his hotel room, she speaks no English, but no conversation is really necessary.
The two of them start to engage in sexual relations and as they get going, the escort starts repeatedly screaming, "akai! akai! akai!" over and over. The business man thinks he must have been pretty good in the sack and really put this escort into the throes of ecstasy.
The next day he meets the CEO at the golf course and they begin to play and discuss their possible venture.
They reach the 4th hole, a par 3 and the Japanese CEO tees off and wouldn't you know it, a hole in one.
The American thinks to himself, here's my chance to impress him by showing how excited I am for him and showing a little knowledge of the Japanese language, so he yells out "Akai!, Akai! Akai!"
The CEO turns to him and says "What the hell you mean wrong hole?!"
First guy says "Man, I was so fucked up last night I blew chunks"
Second guy says "we've all had a few too many and puked. No big deal"
First guy "No man, you don't understand. Chunks is my dog"
DEGENERATE FUK
This place is dead
"THERE ARE NO CLIQUES, ONLY THOSE WHO DON'T JOIN THE FUN" - Empty circa 2015
"Kfsbho&$thncds" - F Me In the Brain - circa 2015
-Knock Knock
Who's There?
-Cargo
Cargo who?
-Car go beep beep!
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,
-Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
-Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
-Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
-Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
-Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment.
“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
____
Zagreb 2006/ Munich 2007/ Venice 2007/ Berlin 2009 / Venice 2010 / 2 x Berlin 2012 / Stockholm 2012 / Milan 2014 / Trieste 2014 / Vienna 2014 / Florence (EV) 2019 / Padova 2018 / Prague 2018 / Imola 2022 / Budapest 2022 / Vienna 2022 / Prague 2022
Hahahaha...this is the only one that not only put a smile on my face but made me laugh out loud...well played.
A warthog hits this lady and the husband calls 911.
The operator asks, "Where are you at"?
The husband replies, "I'm on Eucolipstic Road."
The operator asks, "Can you spell that for me?"
"Well... I'll just drag her over to Oak so you can you pick her up there?"
The bartender tells him that it will cost him $8 and comments that he doesn't get too many bears in here.
The bear replies "Well for that price, I can see why!"
Who's there?
Sarah Palin.
Sarah Palin who?
See how quickly we forget?
8/15/92, 9/28/96, 8/28/98, 8/29/98, 9/18/98, 8/3/00, 8/9/00, 8/10/00, 8/23/00, 8/25/00, 9/1/00, 9/2/00, 4/28/03, 6/18/03, 7/5/03, 7/6/03, 10/1/04, 10/3/05, 6/19/08, 10/27/09, 10/31/09, 5/21/10, 9/3/11, 9/4/11, 10/21/13
More to Come....
So she turned around and went home :-)
"I'm not about to give thanks or appologize"
"Caught a bolt of lighting, cursed the day he let it go"
Knock knock Who's there
Amos Amos who
A mosquito
Knock knock Who's there
Anna Anna who
Another mosquito
Sorry they aren't very good.
the bear looks down at the rabbit and says
"do you have any trouble with shit sticking to your fur?"
the rabbit says "no"
so the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit
RED ROCKS 6-19-95
AUGUSTA 9-26-96
MANSFIELD 9-15-98
BOSTON 9-29-04
BOSTON 5-25-06
MANSFIELD 6-30-08
EV SOLO BOSTON 8-01-08
BOSTON 5-17-10
EV SOLO BOSTON 6-16-11
PJ20 9-3-11
PJ20 9-4-11
WRIGLEY 7-19-13
WORCESTER 10-15-13
WORCESTER 10-16-13
HARTFORD 10-25-13
A duck walks into a pharmacy and says, "give me some Chapstick and put it on my bill".
because potholder was already taken
(I only know jokes that will get me banned...sorry)
Thanks for the chance!
- Christopher McCandless
by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls
that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde
stepped out. The father said quietly to his son..."Go get your mother."
Thanks for the fun contest! Joke telling is becoming a lost art - no one tells them anymore...
What do flies wear on their feet?
Shoos.
www.cluthelee.com
www.cluthe.com