a little contest for a free dvd....signed by mike pic added

Stinkfoot

What do you call a short vampire?


A pain in the knee.

Hub.

Two guys fall in a septic tank.

They both stand on tiptoe but shit reaches their lower lip, they barely breath and they find it difficult to speak without ingurgitating some.

So one of the guys says: "I think we're gonna die!"
The other one says: "Why?"
Then, the first one answers: "Because I want to crap."

Thanks for the contest, joe2468.

mvluckymike

What has nine arms and sucks?


Def Leppard

Poncier

An American businessman is on his first business trip to Japan, attempting to land a huge conglomerate as a client.
He is scheduled to play golf with the CEO of this Japanese conglomerate the day after he arrives in Tokyo.
The night before the golf outing he is tense, so he calls a Japanese escort service to help relieve the tension.
A beautiful Japanese "escort" arrives at his hotel room, she speaks no English, but no conversation is really necessary.
The two of them start to engage in sexual relations and as they get going, the escort starts repeatedly screaming, "akai! akai! akai!" over and over. The business man thinks he must have been pretty good in the sack and really put this escort into the throes of ecstasy.

The next day he meets the CEO at the golf course and they begin to play and discuss their possible venture.
They reach the 4th hole, a par 3 and the Japanese CEO tees off and wouldn't you know it, a hole in one.
The American thinks to himself, here's my chance to impress him by showing how excited I am for him and showing a little knowledge of the Japanese language, so he yells out "Akai!, Akai! Akai!"

The CEO turns to him and says "What the hell you mean wrong hole?!"

Empty Glass

Two guys after a night of hard drinking....

First guy says "Man, I was so fucked up last night I blew chunks"

Second guy says "we've all had a few too many and puked. No big deal"

First guy "No man, you don't understand. Chunks is my dog"

Indi4ence

Heres on my 6 year old likes to tell

-Knock Knock
Who's There?
-Cargo
Cargo who?
-Car go beep beep!

Stereotype

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,
-Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
-Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
-Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
-Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
-Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment.
“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

i shit and i stink

Venison is really dear meat, isn't it?

Mango

I got caught stealing full stops . . . . . Im looking at a long sentence!!

Dead Man Walking

the spaniard wrote:

Hahahaha...this is the only one that not only put a smile on my face but made me laugh out loud...well played.

78FLH

I will take a stab at it too

A warthog hits this lady and the husband calls 911.

The operator asks, "Where are you at"?

The husband replies, "I'm on Eucolipstic Road."

The operator asks, "Can you spell that for me?"

"Well... I'll just drag her over to Oak so you can you pick her up there?"

BSully

A bear walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender tells him that it will cost him $8 and comments that he doesn't get too many bears in here.

The bear replies "Well for that price, I can see why!"

RedMosquito22

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Sarah Palin.
Sarah Palin who?



See how quickly we forget?

silver39

A blonde was driving to Disneyland and saw a sign that said "Disneyland, Left"
So she turned around and went home :-)

Claireack

Damn! I'm crap at jokes :x

Knock knock Who's there
Amos Amos who
A mosquito

Knock knock Who's there
Anna Anna who
Another mosquito

Sorry they aren't very good.

ed243421

a bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods

the bear looks down at the rabbit and says

"do you have any trouble with shit sticking to your fur?"

the rabbit says "no"

so the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit

Poncier

Claireack wrote:

Damn! I'm crap at jokes :x

Knock knock Who's there
Amos Amos who
A mosquito

Knock knock Who's there
Anna Anna who
Another mosquito

Sorry they aren't very good.

Here, submit this one instead:

A duck walks into a pharmacy and says, "give me some Chapstick and put it on my bill".

RKCNDY

why do they call a roach clip a 'roach clip'?
because potholder was already taken

(I only know jokes that will get me banned...sorry)

Thanks for the chance!

BrokenGlass

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed
by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls
that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde
stepped out. The father said quietly to his son..."Go get your mother."

Thanks for the fun contest! Joke telling is becoming a lost art - no one tells them anymore...

mfc2006

here's a terrible one....thanks for the chance!

What do flies wear on their feet?
Shoos.