a little contest for a free dvd....signed by mike pic added

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever."

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Q: Why are the streets of Paris lined with trees?
A: So the Nazis can march in the shade.

I wrote this one for a medieval history I course I took a few semesters back. I hope you like it!

One day a serf gleaning in the king's fields decides he is sick of living off the table-scraps of the land and breaks into the castle's kitchen where the king's dinner is being prepared. Upon the great table, ready to be served is a number of delicious looking courses, including roast pheasant, fresh bread, assorted fresh fruit, stuffed squash, and leek soup. Starving, the serf runs to the great table and grabs a loaf of bread, a handful of fruit, and plunges a ladle into the leek soup and swallows the contents of the ladle. At this moment, two chefs return to the kitchen and catch the serf in the act of stealing the king's dinner.

"Halt as you are!" Yelled one chef, "You will be presented to the king for your crime and will be dealt swift justice!"

The two chefs take the serf, as well as the remaining portions of the king's dinner, to be presented to the king. The meal is set before the king and the serf is thrown to the ground.

"This serf was caught stealing your suppertime meal!" Stated the chef.

"Well, what do you have to say for yourself?" Asked the king.

"Please your majesty, I am but a lowly serf! My body aches from a lifetime of hard work and I have not eaten a single meal in over three days time!" Begged the serf.

"I cannot find it within myself to condemn you for your crime of necessity," declared the king. "Please, won't you sit down and join me for dinner?" The chefs looked at each other dumbfounded as the serf sat down at the table beside the king.

"But your majesty," said the chef, "this serf took a loaf of your bread!"

"It does not matter to me!" said the king.

"But your majesty," said the other chef, "this serf took a handful of your fresh fruit!"

"It does not matter to me!" the king yelled. "Please leave this serf and I to dine!" At this point the king placed his spoon into the soup and swallowed it with much delight.

"But your majesty," said both of the chefs, simultaneously, "this serf took a leek in your soup!"

I hope you like it! This one took me a while to think of and write. It was a hit with my class and hopefully it's good enough to win the DVD!

Thanks for the chance! Forgive me if this one's already been said, don't think it has?

After the Office Party

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday.

What did the Mohel say to the bartender?.....

Keep the tip

Thank you very much...try the veal

I said blow the shofar, not the chaffeur!

Rectum!?!?!? Damn near killed 'em!

An unemployed dole bludger (govt benefits) was having a drink in a bar when a priest walked up to him and said
'I see how you are caressing that beer and how much you can drink in one mouthful will you give me a blow job for $200'

The bludger then punched the man straight in the face. The barman said

'What was that for?'

'Ah he said something about a job'

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are

growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow

between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is

that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the saplin.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree

expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or

a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.

He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son

of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I

have ever put my pecker in."