Need Relationship/Female Advice!!!!

NY PJ1 wrote:

just make cyber love 24 -7 ,,it will be fun

mmmmmm....cyber love now you're talking

thunderDAN wrote:

I really think that women seek attachment elsewhere when they arn't getting it from the person they seek it from. It sounds like with all her griping about her ex that deep down she knows he is no good for her, but she still wants it because it has been evading her. This might explain why she has self esteem issues. She gets bummed about her ex not paying attention to her, and not having emotion towards her and she isn't able to move on from it. Now I know you don't want to hear this because I was in the same boat you were in- but she is using you for the emotional aspects she doesn't get from her ex and she is trying to fill that void through you. Now I know that sucks that she says you guys are 'just friends' because you both know you arn't, but she isn't comfortable with herself because of the situation her BF put her in which limits her ability to move on. By her telling you things and complimenting you she is indeed flirting, but I think its just for attention. Women want the guys that don't pay attention to them to pay attention to them, and the guys that do pay attention to them they take for granted.

:eek: This may well be the best post EVER in one of these threads Dr. Dan

thunderDAN wrote:

I was in a similar situation once but it was actually more sexual, but I'll give you some advice for what I think might be going on and hopefully it turns out better for you than it did for me..

I really think that women seek attachment elsewhere when they arn't getting it from the person they seek it from. It sounds like with all her griping about her ex that deep down she knows he is no good for her, but she still wants it because it has been evading her. This might explain why she has self esteem issues. She gets bummed about her ex not paying attention to her, and not having emotion towards her and she isn't able to move on from it. Now I know you don't want to hear this because I was in the same boat you were in- but she is using you for the emotional aspects she doesn't get from her ex and she is trying to fill that void through you. Now I know that sucks that she says you guys are 'just friends' because you both know you arn't, but she isn't comfortable with herself because of the situation her BF put her in which limits her ability to move on. By her telling you things and complimenting you she is indeed flirting, but I think its just for attention. Women want the guys that don't pay attention to them to pay attention to them, and the guys that do pay attention to them they take for granted. I just think she is keeping herself ready hoping he will comeback to her, and that by dating you she loses that chance and your friendship that is more than a normal friendship

I don't know, see I did the wrong thing when I was in this situation- I was unable to look outside the situation and get away from my feelings I had for a girl and it screwed everything up. I would suggest playing it cool and just doing your best to still talk and all that because she knows your feelings now, so if something happens it happens.

Good luck to you though

This may be true...but I think it depends on her motivation. I think of my male friends the same as my female friends in a lot of ways...I will talk to them about my relationship, I am affectionate, I like to joke (which depending on the joke and the other person's perspective can seem like flirting). It's possible she wanted the attention from him that she wasn't getting from her bf...or it's possible she really trusts him as a friend and was being open with him as she may be with one of her female friends...and I think when you REALLY think of someone as just a friend, it's hard to envision that they think of you any differently...now that she knows you will see if she adjusts her boundaries with you - that will clue you in on her motivation.

thunderDAN wrote:

I think when we fall for someone we always want to overlook signs that tell us we are just friends and look for every single tiny sign that says we are something more.

Absolutely

My sister always told me something like "if a girl complains about her boyfriend or ex boyfriend to you she doesn't want you to be her boyfriend, she might want to sleep with you or something like that, but by talking about her boyfriend it assures 2 things, a) you are in the friendzone and b)she still wishes he was her boyfriend"

that could well be true Dan... if you fancy someone you don't feel so comfortable talking about your boyfriend

Heineken Helen wrote:

that could well be true Dan... if you fancy someone you don't feel so comfortable talking about your boyfriend

actually HH I think you were one of the people that helped me open my eyes on here. I don't want to bump the thread or look at it because it's very embarrassing...long story short, dated a girl 3 years ago in college, we broke up b/c she wasn't over her ex, in the mean time we hooked up a couple times then dropped off to nothing except random emails from her and then after a year of not talking she told me she had been thinking about me and wanted to meet for lunch...me being a guy that still had feelings for her wanted to see that as a sign that she wanted to date me and that all my hours of thinking about it paid off... well just about everyone on here said don't go meet her, and that if I did and she didn't want to date then it would fuck me up... well against all the good advice I went and I fell for her again. She must not have wanted to date me because I haven't talked to her in about 3 months, HOWEVER I was finally able to find clarity for the whole situation, and as it relates to this situation, I am seeking this particular girl because I can't seem to attain her- so guys do it aswell...I was for awhile!

Alright, one final thing..I read this awhile back. Some guy wrote it and alot of it is true. It's a decent read...though it hates on women more than it should.


It’s amazing that assholes can get girls. Actually, now that I think of it, it’s not that amazing. They are assholes at heart, but to meet girls they lavish their undying love. IT’S A CHARADE. They act nice, friendly, and they listen… until they get into what they’re after. Their prey thinks they are in love with them, however when they realize what assholes their predators really are, they pretend like the asshole is really nice inside. The girl tries to change the asshole into a nice guy, but assholes will always be assholes. She gets upset and goes to the nice guy to complain about the asshole. But she claims to love the asshole… now this is where the theory begins. She doesn’t want to look like she is easy so she wont dump the asshole right away, instead she will stay with the asshole. Girls are idiots. They don’t realize that the nice guy has been there all along. He never had to pretend to be a good guy to get girls because he is naturally like that. However, girls don’t see it for some reason or another. They look at the nice guy as a friend, a trusted companion to whom they can tell their sad story to about their asshole boyfriend. But the nice guy isn’t THAT na�ve. He was trying to score with the girl he listens to all along. The problem is that since he is a nice guy he keeps listening. Since girls get attached to things that pay attention to them, they think of the nice guy as a friend. A FRIEND. They don’t say, “Oh he’s hot” or “I want to have his children” about the nice guy, they just want the emotional support. When they get the emotional support from the nice guy, they don’t need it from the asshole. The nice guy gets the shit end of the stick while the asshole gets all the action. I am starting to wonder if being a nice guy is really the route to take to get action… I have been down this path for all of my post-pubescent life and it has gotten me NOWHERE… at least not in the women department. Perhaps another reason why girls fall for the asshole is because assholes ignore the girl they are with. The women wonder, “Why isn’t he paying attention to me?” so they explore why. They poke and prod and get closer to the asshole. They start to get easier with each attempt to get closer. The asshole finally says, “I’ve let this beauty dangle long enough, time to boat this bass”. It is then he puts on his charade and the girl feels like she has won him… even thought all she has won is an asshole. Once you have gone down the path as a nice guy or a “listener” you can’t turn back. The girl will always go after the assholes because there are always nice guys there to listen. Once you realize that you are a “listener” you cant do anything about it… just pack up and close shop. There is no way you will get into her pants… ever. There is and never will be a situation where the nice guy will get the girl he has a crush on. It just doesn’t work like that. The girl wont “come to her senses” and realize what an asshole her boyfriend is like in the movies… instead she will just go after another asshole, and unless you stop being a nice guy, she will never go after you. Women complain that there are no nice guys in the world. Right. They are obviously not looking hard enough because there are nice guys EVERYWHERE!!!! Girls aren’t looking for nice guys… they say they are but they’re not. They are looking for the perfect asshole, but there is NO SUCH THING as the perfect asshole. All in all, the nice guy gets the shaft. To all the girls out there with boyfriends that don’t treat you with respect, that don’t listen to you, and that don’t care about you I say this; look next to you. The guy that has been standing next to you the whole time is the guy you have been looking for. He is what you want your asshole to be like. He knows more about you than you know about yourself… because he has listened to it all.

decides2dream wrote:

AGREED!

btw - while i most definitely agree that men and women are different, i do NOT, nor will i probably ever....hold a GFs hand nor cuddle with her on the couch, nor grind* her on the dance floor. i am VERY affectionate to male and female friends alike....but yes, i don't cuddle or grind with ANYone i am not sexually attracted to/involved with. but hey, that's just me.


o.

me neither, but many do!

Heineken Helen wrote:

And this makes him a nice guy HOW exactly? See the whole 'nice guy' analogy is quite warped... cos usually it's a self imposed title of 'nice guy'.

Most nice guys aren't interested only to score. They want more, like love and a relationship, not just sex.