Need Relationship/Female Advice!!!!

24

Comments

  • Heineken HelenHeineken Helen Posts: 18,095
    btw - while i most definitely agree that men and women are different, i do NOT, nor will i probably ever....hold a GFs hand nor cuddle with her on the couch, nor gring her on the dance floor. :p i am VERY affectionate to male and female friends alike....but yes, i don't cuddle or gring with ANYone i am not sexually attracted to/involved with. but hey, that's just me. ;)

    :D Not just you :)
    The Astoria??? Orgazmic!
    Verona??? it's all surmountable
    Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
    Wembley? We all believe!
    Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
    Chicago 07? And love
    What a different life
    Had I not found this love with you
  • Heineken HelenHeineken Helen Posts: 18,095
    that could well be true Dan... if you fancy someone you don't feel so comfortable talking about your boyfriend :o
    The Astoria??? Orgazmic!
    Verona??? it's all surmountable
    Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
    Wembley? We all believe!
    Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
    Chicago 07? And love
    What a different life
    Had I not found this love with you
  • thunderDANthunderDAN Posts: 2,094
    that could well be true Dan... if you fancy someone you don't feel so comfortable talking about your boyfriend :o

    actually HH I think you were one of the people that helped me open my eyes on here. I don't want to bump the thread or look at it because it's very embarrassing...long story short, dated a girl 3 years ago in college, we broke up b/c she wasn't over her ex, in the mean time we hooked up a couple times then dropped off to nothing except random emails from her and then after a year of not talking she told me she had been thinking about me and wanted to meet for lunch...me being a guy that still had feelings for her wanted to see that as a sign that she wanted to date me and that all my hours of thinking about it paid off... well just about everyone on here said don't go meet her, and that if I did and she didn't want to date then it would fuck me up... well against all the good advice I went and I fell for her again. She must not have wanted to date me because I haven't talked to her in about 3 months, HOWEVER I was finally able to find clarity for the whole situation, and as it relates to this situation, I am seeking this particular girl because I can't seem to attain her- so guys do it aswell...I was for awhile!
  • Heineken HelenHeineken Helen Posts: 18,095
    thunderDAN wrote:
    HOWEVER I was finally able to find clarity for the whole situation, and as it relates to this situation, I am seeking this particular girl because I can't seem to attain her- so guys do it aswell...I was for awhile!
    I'm glad you could find clarity :) and yeh, we all seem to do it... even those who bitch about others doing it. I mean you'll have some guy pining for some girl who's pining for an asshole...it's a vicious circle :(
    The Astoria??? Orgazmic!
    Verona??? it's all surmountable
    Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
    Wembley? We all believe!
    Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
    Chicago 07? And love
    What a different life
    Had I not found this love with you
  • thunderDANthunderDAN Posts: 2,094
    Alright, one final thing..I read this awhile back. Some guy wrote it and alot of it is true. It's a decent read...though it hates on women more than it should.


    It’s amazing that assholes can get girls. Actually, now that I think of it, it’s not that amazing. They are assholes at heart, but to meet girls they lavish their undying love. IT’S A CHARADE. They act nice, friendly, and they listen… until they get into what they’re after. Their prey thinks they are in love with them, however when they realize what assholes their predators really are, they pretend like the asshole is really nice inside. The girl tries to change the asshole into a nice guy, but assholes will always be assholes. She gets upset and goes to the nice guy to complain about the asshole. But she claims to love the asshole… now this is where the theory begins. She doesn’t want to look like she is easy so she wont dump the asshole right away, instead she will stay with the asshole. Girls are idiots. They don’t realize that the nice guy has been there all along. He never had to pretend to be a good guy to get girls because he is naturally like that. However, girls don’t see it for some reason or another. They look at the nice guy as a friend, a trusted companion to whom they can tell their sad story to about their asshole boyfriend. But the nice guy isn’t THAT na�ve. He was trying to score with the girl he listens to all along. The problem is that since he is a nice guy he keeps listening. Since girls get attached to things that pay attention to them, they think of the nice guy as a friend. A FRIEND. They don’t say, “Oh he’s hot” or “I want to have his children” about the nice guy, they just want the emotional support. When they get the emotional support from the nice guy, they don’t need it from the asshole. The nice guy gets the shit end of the stick while the asshole gets all the action. I am starting to wonder if being a nice guy is really the route to take to get action… I have been down this path for all of my post-pubescent life and it has gotten me NOWHERE… at least not in the women department. Perhaps another reason why girls fall for the asshole is because assholes ignore the girl they are with. The women wonder, “Why isn’t he paying attention to me?” so they explore why. They poke and prod and get closer to the asshole. They start to get easier with each attempt to get closer. The asshole finally says, “I’ve let this beauty dangle long enough, time to boat this bass”. It is then he puts on his charade and the girl feels like she has won him… even thought all she has won is an asshole. Once you have gone down the path as a nice guy or a “listener” you can’t turn back. The girl will always go after the assholes because there are always nice guys there to listen. Once you realize that you are a “listener” you cant do anything about it… just pack up and close shop. There is no way you will get into her pants… ever. There is and never will be a situation where the nice guy will get the girl he has a crush on. It just doesn’t work like that. The girl wont “come to her senses” and realize what an asshole her boyfriend is like in the movies… instead she will just go after another asshole, and unless you stop being a nice guy, she will never go after you. Women complain that there are no nice guys in the world. Right. They are obviously not looking hard enough because there are nice guys EVERYWHERE!!!! Girls aren’t looking for nice guys… they say they are but they’re not. They are looking for the perfect asshole, but there is NO SUCH THING as the perfect asshole. All in all, the nice guy gets the shaft. To all the girls out there with boyfriends that don’t treat you with respect, that don’t listen to you, and that don’t care about you I say this; look next to you. The guy that has been standing next to you the whole time is the guy you have been looking for. He is what you want your asshole to be like. He knows more about you than you know about yourself… because he has listened to it all.
  • AmentsChickAmentsChick Posts: 6,969
    Haha. Thanks. :D Any advice, M? So if this has been strictly on the friend tip the whole time, is there anything I can do? Did I make a bad move putting myself out there?

    I think it's ALWAYS a good thing to tell someone that you like them (well, if they're not married, otherwise that could get messy). I have a friend who was crazy about a girl and never ever ever told her, despite the advice from all of his friends.

    And, for the record, this chick is NUTS if she doesn't go for you. You're honestly one of the funniest, most down-to-earth guys I know, plus you're cute!
    This is the greatest band in the world -- Ben Harper

  • edvedder913edvedder913 Posts: 1,810
    AGREED! :)

    btw - while i most definitely agree that men and women are different, i do NOT, nor will i probably ever....hold a GFs hand nor cuddle with her on the couch, nor grind* her on the dance floor. :p i am VERY affectionate to male and female friends alike....but yes, i don't cuddle or grind with ANYone i am not sexually attracted to/involved with. but hey, that's just me. ;)


    o.


    me neither, but many do!
  • Heineken HelenHeineken Helen Posts: 18,095
    thunderDAN wrote:
    He never had to pretend to be a good guy to get girls because he is naturally like that. However, girls don’t see it for some reason or another. They look at the nice guy as a friend, a trusted companion to whom they can tell their sad story to about their asshole boyfriend. But the nice guy isn’t THAT na�ve. He was trying to score with the girl he listens to all along.
    And this makes him a nice guy HOW exactly? :D See the whole 'nice guy' analogy is quite warped... cos usually it's a self imposed title of 'nice guy'.
    The Astoria??? Orgazmic!
    Verona??? it's all surmountable
    Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
    Wembley? We all believe!
    Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
    Chicago 07? And love
    What a different life
    Had I not found this love with you
  • markymark550markymark550 Columbia, SC Posts: 5,175
    And this makes him a nice guy HOW exactly? :D See the whole 'nice guy' analogy is quite warped... cos usually it's a self imposed title of 'nice guy'.
    Most nice guys aren't interested only to score. They want more, like love and a relationship, not just sex.
  • AmentsChickAmentsChick Posts: 6,969
    Most nice guys aren't interested only to score. They want more, like love and a relationship, not just sex.

    Which is exactly why I want a nice guy. Contrary to popular thought, not all of us are into the "bad boys".
    This is the greatest band in the world -- Ben Harper

  • PaukPauk Posts: 1,084
    Nice is a terrible terrible word! I dated a girl last week and she told her friends I was a "nice guy". DOOMED!

    To me (as a male) nice guy = no defining character, just an alright guy to chat to a bit and then forget.
    Paul
    '06 - London, Dublin, Reading
    '07 - Katowice, Wembley, Dusseldorf, Copenhagen, Nijmegen
    '09 - London, Manchester, London
    '12 - Manchester, Manchester, Berlin, Stockholm, Copenhagen
  • edvedder913edvedder913 Posts: 1,810
    Which is exactly why I want a nice guy. Contrary to popular thought, not all of us are into the "bad boys".


    ditto. i never have been either. i always fall for the nice guy who wears his heart on his sleeve. i give the others the boot ;) esp. the arrogant ones.....
  • Heineken HelenHeineken Helen Posts: 18,095
    Most nice guys aren't interested only to score. They want more, like love and a relationship, not just sex.
    Absolutely... there ARE of course nice guys... but when nice guys are used in the context of 'how come nice guys never get the girl' they're usually self titled nice guys.
    The Astoria??? Orgazmic!
    Verona??? it's all surmountable
    Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
    Wembley? We all believe!
    Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
    Chicago 07? And love
    What a different life
    Had I not found this love with you
  • AmentsChickAmentsChick Posts: 6,969
    ditto. i never have been either. i always fall for the nice guy who wears his heart on his sleeve. i give the others the boot ;) esp. the arrogant ones.....

    EXACTLY!!!! Arrogance is my biggest turn-off!!!!!
    This is the greatest band in the world -- Ben Harper

  • comebackwomancomebackwoman Posts: 7,271
    Which is exactly why I want a nice guy. Contrary to popular thought, not all of us are into the "bad boys".
    exactly! That is such a fallacy! I've only dated nice guys...well one turned out to be an asshole...but he hid it well at first :p
    There's a light when my baby's in my arms :)
  • decides2dreamdecides2dream Posts: 14,977
    fowls wrote:
    Nice is a terrible terrible word! I dated a girl last week and she told her friends I was a "nice guy". DOOMED!

    To me (as a male) nice guy = no defining character, just an alright guy to chat to a bit and then forget.



    *nice* is one of the worst adjectives out there, so horribly non-descript, safe, blase. no one wants to hear that they are nice...nor that they look nice. bleh. the english language is chock-FULL of wonderful, amazing, fantastically descriptive adjectives......we should USE them! :D




    as to the whole 'nice guy' discussion, it's been done...and redone...ad infinitum here. :p suffice to say, it's just an over-used and often maligned term. also, in the BESt sense....you betcha, i LOVE my nice guy. :)
    Stay with me...
    Let's just breathe...


    I am myself like you somehow


  • edvedder913edvedder913 Posts: 1,810
    exactly! That is such a fallacy! I've only dated nice guys...well one turned out to be an asshole...but he hid it well at first :p


    YES!! that happens to the best of us. Maybe I have fallen for some bad boys, it just took me awhile to see that they were b/c they put up a good act!
  • AmentsChickAmentsChick Posts: 6,969
    exactly! That is such a fallacy! I've only dated nice guys...well one turned out to be an asshole...but he hid it well at first :p

    I dated one of those, too.
    This is the greatest band in the world -- Ben Harper

  • thunderDANthunderDAN Posts: 2,094
    Which is exactly why I want a nice guy. Contrary to popular thought, not all of us are into the "bad boys".

    this statement made me immediatly think of that Seinfeld when George trys to act like a bad boy with his dad's car while he still lived with his parents.
  • markymark550markymark550 Columbia, SC Posts: 5,175
    Absolutely... there ARE of course nice guys... but when nice guys are used in the context of 'how come nice guys never get the girl' they're usually self titled nice guys.
    Sure the self-titled nice guy might not always be innocent and might be out only to score with some girl.

    I thought you were making that statement off of a poorly worded sentence/generalization from some frustrated individual. If that person was a nice guy, they wouldn't just be trying to score.
  • AmentsChickAmentsChick Posts: 6,969
    thunderDAN wrote:
    this statement made me immediatly think of that Seinfeld when George trys to act like a bad boy with his dad's car while he still lived with his parents.

    HA! That's funny, although I've never seen it.
    This is the greatest band in the world -- Ben Harper

  • edvedder913edvedder913 Posts: 1,810
    I find it rather humorous when the self proclaimed "nice guy" posts something ripping the entire female race to shreds. sorry....not a nice guy ;)

    It is hard to find the right person. That is what it really boils down to. People take it too personally when things don't work out. You don't get dumped b/c you are the *nice* guy or girl, something just didn't click or wasn't there. feelings can not be explained as an exact science....unfortunately :o
  • decides2dreamdecides2dream Posts: 14,977
    I find it rather humorous when the self proclaimed "nice guy" posts something ripping the entire female race to shreds. sorry....not a nice guy ;)

    It is hard to find the right person. That is what it really boils down to. People take it too personally when things don't work out. You don't get dumped b/c you are the *nice* guy or girl, something just didn't click or wasn't there. feelings can not be explained as an exact science....unfortunately :o



    you betcha.
    everything you state is true, but i especially like the part i bolded.
    Stay with me...
    Let's just breathe...


    I am myself like you somehow


  • edvedder913edvedder913 Posts: 1,810
    you betcha.
    everything you state is true, but i especially like the part i bolded.


    what? you didn't like my "unfortunately" clause ?!??! :D
  • comebackwomancomebackwoman Posts: 7,271
    I find it rather humorous when the self proclaimed "nice guy" posts something ripping the entire female race to shreds. sorry....not a nice guy ;)

    It is hard to find the right person. That is what it really boils down to. People take it too personally when things don't work out. You don't get dumped b/c you are the *nice* guy or girl, something just didn't click or wasn't there. feelings can not be explained as an exact science....unfortunately :o
    I agree. Just be who you are. I can't imagine how frustrating life would be if you spent it trying to be someone that you thought someone else would like. I think so often that when relationships don't work, it's not that either person was right or wrong...it just wasn't the right match. Sometimes we know that early on, but we SO want the relationship to work that we keep trying to change...adjust, etc. I'm not saying that a little changing and adjusting isn't necessary, but if you find yourself working TOO hard...it's probably just not the right fit.
    There's a light when my baby's in my arms :)
  • Jeremy1012Jeremy1012 Posts: 7,170
    thunderDAN wrote:
    I was in a similar situation once but it was actually more sexual, but I'll give you some advice for what I think might be going on and hopefully it turns out better for you than it did for me..

    I really think that women seek attachment elsewhere when they arn't getting it from the person they seek it from. It sounds like with all her griping about her ex that deep down she knows he is no good for her, but she still wants it because it has been evading her. This might explain why she has self esteem issues. She gets bummed about her ex not paying attention to her, and not having emotion towards her and she isn't able to move on from it. Now I know you don't want to hear this because I was in the same boat you were in- but she is using you for the emotional aspects she doesn't get from her ex and she is trying to fill that void through you. Now I know that sucks that she says you guys are 'just friends' because you both know you arn't, but she isn't comfortable with herself because of the situation her BF put her in which limits her ability to move on. By her telling you things and complimenting you she is indeed flirting, but I think its just for attention. Women want the guys that don't pay attention to them to pay attention to them, and the guys that do pay attention to them they take for granted. I just think she is keeping herself ready hoping he will comeback to her, and that by dating you she loses that chance and your friendship that is more than a normal friendship

    I don't know, see I did the wrong thing when I was in this situation- I was unable to look outside the situation and get away from my feelings I had for a girl and it screwed everything up. I would suggest playing it cool and just doing your best to still talk and all that because she knows your feelings now, so if something happens it happens.

    Good luck to you though
    My thoughts exactly and I had a situation which sounds identical to yours. Looking back I feel like, even though technically I'm the one who fucked things up by telling her how I felt and stuff, it was as much her fault as mine. Whether she was vulnerable or not and needed a friend for comfort, she used me and then when the situation got to a stage she hadn't counted on, she ran away and couldn't deal with it, wouldn't talk to me for months, broke my heart, yadda yadda. Point is to the OP, don't take her hints or anything to mean too much. Sorry to say it but even if she seems attracted to you now and may even push for things to happen, don't expect it to mean anything. In my case I would never have tried anything with my friend so soon after her breakup if it wasn't for the fact that she was the one who kept coming onto me but as soon as I indicated feelings were involved, she didn't want to know and made out like I'd used HER. Fact is, and no offence to Helen or the other women here :), trying to find rationality in a woman soon after a break up is not always easy. I'm not saying it's the case for all women, that's just sexist and stupid but in my experience, whatever you think is the situation is probably totally different to her take on it.

    Take it from me. You want to back off now so that a) your feelings don't increase because, trust me, it hurts like a bitch if it's not reciprocated, especially if b) happens. B) is that if you don't back off, you'll screw up your whole friendship and trust me again, a year down the line, THAT is the thing you'll regret, not the loss of any romantic prospects. That shit fades but if you genuinely like this girl as a PERSON, it's not worth it all going wrong.
    "I remember one night at Muzdalifa with nothing but the sky overhead, I lay awake amid sleeping Muslim brothers and I learned that pilgrims from every land — every colour, and class, and rank; high officials and the beggar alike — all snored in the same language"
  • decides2dreamdecides2dream Posts: 14,977
    what? you didn't like my "unfortunately" clause ?!??! :D


    i was merely trying to focus on the meat of the post. :p

    agree. Just be who you are. I can't imagine how frustrating life would be if you spent it trying to be someone that you thought someone else would like. I think so often that when relationships don't work, it's not that either person was right or wrong...it just wasn't the right match. Sometimes we know that early on, but we SO want the relationship to work that we keep trying to change...adjust, etc. I'm not saying that a little changing and adjusting isn't necessary, but if you find yourself working TOO hard...it's probably just not the right fit.



    that really is IT, isn't it? figuring out when 'enough is enough' or conversely, when giving up too soon...ain't always an easy task either.
    Stay with me...
    Let's just breathe...


    I am myself like you somehow


  • normnorm Posts: 31,146
    *nice* is one of the worst adjectives out there, so horribly non-descript, safe, blase. no one wants to hear that they are nice...nor that they look nice. bleh. the english language is chock-FULL of wonderful, amazing, fantastically descriptive adjectives......we should USE them! :D




    as to the whole 'nice guy' discussion, it's been done...and redone...ad infinitum here. :p suffice to say, it's just an over-used and often maligned term. also, in the BESt sense....you betcha, i LOVE my nice guy. :)


    nice ;):D
  • PaukPauk Posts: 1,084
    *nice* is one of the worst adjectives out there, so horribly non-descript, safe, blase. no one wants to hear that they are nice...nor that they look nice. bleh. the english language is chock-FULL of wonderful, amazing, fantastically descriptive adjectives......we should USE them! :D




    as to the whole 'nice guy' discussion, it's been done...and redone...ad infinitum here. :p suffice to say, it's just an over-used and often maligned term. also, in the BESt sense....you betcha, i LOVE my nice guy. :)
    Totally agree! I'm downright offended if someone calls me nice. I'd like to think I've made enough of an impression to deserve a better description.
    Paul
    '06 - London, Dublin, Reading
    '07 - Katowice, Wembley, Dusseldorf, Copenhagen, Nijmegen
    '09 - London, Manchester, London
    '12 - Manchester, Manchester, Berlin, Stockholm, Copenhagen
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