Need Relationship/Female Advice!!!!

AllNiteThing

Ok bear with me, I'll try to make this as short and concise as possible....

So I met this girl through a mutual friend about 2 months ago. Since day 1 she's been complaining to me about her boyfriend. Apparently he moved to Florida about 5 months ago on only a day's notice, never seems interested in her coming to visit and is pretty absent emotionally. I suppose I turned into the 'emotional friend', emailing back and forth every day, test messaging, talking on the phone, etc. We've gotten together a couple of times a week since we met and really clicked like I haven't with anyone in a long, long time.

She's confided a lot in me about what she wants out of a relationship, she's told me about how the issues with the bf and other things have given her low self esteem, she doesn't think she could find anyone else, she's getting old (31), etc etc. I really started falling for her, and it hasn't helped that I definitely think she's been flirty, for example saying how guys who play instruments are 'sex' (after I told her I play guitar) or complimenting me on various things. I came to the conclusion that when I could finally get her alone I'd tell her how I felt and see what happens.

Fast forward to the past two weeks. I went away to Florida last week, but a couple days before she called in tears telling me her and the bf broke up. I was ecstatic but tried to console her and tell her I'm her for her, etc etc. Well when I went to Fla we talked a bunch on the phone, she said she missed me, valued my friendship (uh oh), etc etc. and she's been really pushing to do more this summer like mini golf, movies, camping. Seemed all the signs are there, right?

---almost done!---

So I finally get her alone last night at a trivia contest at a local bar (our usual outing). I gave her a shirt from Florida and she was taken aback, saying how her bf never gives her anything. She gave me multiple compliments on what I was wearing and other little things. After we were done I was ready to make my move, and it was getting a little weird with her saying how she's not looking for much, just wants someone who wants to be with her, someone to come home to, etc. The green light was on. I came out and said how I'm attracted to her, I've probably made it obvious, I want to take her out, etc. I told her I don't want to lose what we have, but I want more.

She was shocked, didn't see it coming (supposedly), had no idea I was interested. She said she can't even think of being with someone for months, is still not over the bf and is confused if she wants him back, despite everyone (friends, family) saying he needs to get lost. She said I'm crazy for thinking she's attractive, because of the low self esteem I guess. Anyway, after a little more talking she just asked me to walk her to her car, gave me a hug and that was that.

I'm so confused now. How can a girl have a guy friend and after all the back and forth, NOT know he's interested? Was that just an act? How can she act the way she's been and not be interested in me? Unless she thought I was gay or completely repulsed by me (I'm sure neither is true), why would she be so friendly? My plan now is to just keep hanging out, back off and see how things go. Any other advice, tips, insight??? Help!!!

(sorry for the endless post)

edvedder913

honestly, i do not see any mixed messages. there is a difference between compliments and flirting. i have a lot of male friends - many who are married - i compliment them. i email them, i hug and kiss them when i see them. i am NOT flirting with them. i care about them - they are my friends.

from the story you told, it doesn't seem to me that she has showed any interest other than being your friend because she truly enjoys your company.

sorry

AllNiteThing

edvedder913 wrote:

honestly, i do not see any mixed messages. there is a difference between compliments and flirting. i have a lot of male friends - many who are married - i compliment them. i email them, i hug and kiss them when i see them. i am NOT flirting with them. i care about them - they are my friends.

from the story you told, it doesn't seem to me that she has showed any interest other than being your friend because she truly enjoys your company.

sorry

lol thanks. Oh well. :(

AmentsChick

AWWW, Mikey!!!!!!!

AllNiteThing

AmentsChick wrote:

AWWW, Mikey!!!!!!!

Haha. Thanks. Any advice, M? So if this has been strictly on the friend tip the whole time, is there anything I can do? Did I make a bad move putting myself out there?

markymark550

Sorry to say it, but once you get to the friend zone, it's hard to work your way up to boyfriend. Not saying it's impossible, just not very likely.

AmentsChick

AllNiteThing wrote:

Haha. Thanks. Any advice, M? So if this has been strictly on the friend tip the whole time, is there anything I can do? Did I make a bad move putting myself out there?

I'm leaving for work right now (I'm actually running late), but I'll email you when I get there.

Heineken Helen

AllNiteThing wrote:

Haha. Thanks. Any advice, M? So if this has been strictly on the friend tip the whole time, is there anything I can do? Did I make a bad move putting myself out there?

no ya didn't... at least you've got it out of the way. You did what quite a few people here are incapable of doing... actually telling her what's what... nothing shameful about that... so she doesn't see it the same way, it's shit but at least you know exactly where you stand. It didn't work out how you wanted and that's a shame but people are confusing... sometimes we see what we want to see when quite often it's just somebody who needs a friend .

Heineken Helen

If her friendship is really important to you and you don't want to lose that and things are awkward between ya... you're probably gonna have to apologise and say how you don't want things to change between you two, that you value her friendship too much.

AllNiteThing

Heineken Helen wrote:

no ya didn't... at least you've got it out of the way. You did what quite a few people here are incapable of doing... actually telling her what's what... nothing shameful about that... so she doesn't see it the same way, it's shit but at least you know exactly where you stand. It didn't work out how you wanted and that's a shame but people are confusing... sometimes we see what we want to see when quite often it's just somebody who needs a friend .

Thanks Helen. Yeah, it was really good to get it out of me, it's a burden.

She's definitely hard to read, and I understand the friend angle but sometimes it seems so obvious that there's something there. I guess I still have a little hope as long as she can get over the ex. Women are too damn confusing!

AllNiteThing

Heineken Helen wrote:

If her friendship is really important to you and you don't want to lose that and things are awkward between ya... you're probably gonna have to apologise and say how you don't want things to change between you two, that you value her friendship too much.

Yeah, I did that last night and nothing really became awkward thankfully, I tried keeping it as lighthearted as possible. It was a relief that I could talk to her more openly finally. I'm just gonna back off and see what she does I guess. Thanks for your help.

NY PJ1

just pork her

AllNiteThing

NY PJ1 wrote:

just pork her

I knew that was coming

you are

it sounds to me like she needs to work on herself. she needs to find her self-confidence and her own security in who she is. if you try to get with her now and build up her confidence, then her identity will be found in you. you will define her....do you see how that could be bad and unhealthy? i think you could be her friend, but that's all for now. i would even say to keep your distance for a bit.

NY PJ1

AllNiteThing wrote:

I knew that was coming

DeLukin

My vote is to date one of her friends. That'll show you what she REALLY thinks of you...

Heineken Helen

AllNiteThing wrote:

Thanks Helen. Yeah, it was really good to get it out of me, it's a burden.

She's definitely hard to read, and I understand the friend angle but sometimes it seems so obvious that there's something there. I guess I still have a little hope as long as she can get over the ex. Women are too damn confusing!

Trust me, men are just as confusing . I've been in this situation... and ya read every little thing, when it's actually just somebody being nice . I will say that that was your one mistake though... so soon after the ex . Of course there's a chance things could change but I'd stick with the friends side of things for a while.

comebackwoman

edvedder913 wrote:

honestly, i do not see any mixed messages. there is a difference between compliments and flirting. i have a lot of male friends - many who are married - i compliment them. i email them, i hug and kiss them when i see them. i am NOT flirting with them. i care about them - they are my friends.

from the story you told, it doesn't seem to me that she has showed any interest other than being your friend because she truly enjoys your company.

sorry

yeah I agree. I think sometimes what females display as being friendly, guys sometimes interpret as being flirtatious. I think signals get crossed all the time in male/female friendships.

That being said...I'm sorry :( sounds like you really like her. Sometimes females can be hard to read

NY PJ1

just make cyber love 24 -7 ,,it will be fun

Heineken Helen

AllNiteThing wrote:

Yeah, I did that last night and nothing really became awkward thankfully, I tried keeping it as lighthearted as possible. It was a relief that I could talk to her more openly finally. I'm just gonna back off and see what she does I guess. Thanks for your help.

That's good . You seem to be on top of this without our advice . I can imagine how you're feeling right now... but it's better now than in ten years posting a thread about how she emailed you out of the blue and asking us if you should propose to her

edvedder913

Sometime I think we feel "mixed signals" b/c we feel something and almost feel like they have to as well.

Also keep in mind, girls are really not that confusing - we are just different. You will never see a guy hold his guy friends hand. But girls do that. We will cuddle up on the couch w/our best girlfriend. we will grind each other on the dance floor VERY different species us girls and boys.....:D

i would listen to what she is telling you, not the "vibes" you are getting from her when you are together. also, give her some time to get over the boyfriend. in a few months she may see things differently. it can happen.

thunderDAN

I was in a similar situation once but it was actually more sexual, but I'll give you some advice for what I think might be going on and hopefully it turns out better for you than it did for me..

I really think that women seek attachment elsewhere when they arn't getting it from the person they seek it from. It sounds like with all her griping about her ex that deep down she knows he is no good for her, but she still wants it because it has been evading her. This might explain why she has self esteem issues. She gets bummed about her ex not paying attention to her, and not having emotion towards her and she isn't able to move on from it. Now I know you don't want to hear this because I was in the same boat you were in- but she is using you for the emotional aspects she doesn't get from her ex and she is trying to fill that void through you. Now I know that sucks that she says you guys are 'just friends' because you both know you arn't, but she isn't comfortable with herself because of the situation her BF put her in which limits her ability to move on. By her telling you things and complimenting you she is indeed flirting, but I think its just for attention. Women want the guys that don't pay attention to them to pay attention to them, and the guys that do pay attention to them they take for granted. I just think she is keeping herself ready hoping he will comeback to her, and that by dating you she loses that chance and your friendship that is more than a normal friendship

I don't know, see I did the wrong thing when I was in this situation- I was unable to look outside the situation and get away from my feelings I had for a girl and it screwed everything up. I would suggest playing it cool and just doing your best to still talk and all that because she knows your feelings now, so if something happens it happens.

Good luck to you though

comebackwoman

NY PJ1 wrote:

just make cyber love 24 -7 ,,it will be fun

mmmmmm....cyber love now you're talking

NY PJ1

u chicks are all the same


BIG TEASE'S (SP) SAME SHIT

Heineken Helen

thunderDAN wrote:

I really think that women seek attachment elsewhere when they arn't getting it from the person they seek it from. It sounds like with all her griping about her ex that deep down she knows he is no good for her, but she still wants it because it has been evading her. This might explain why she has self esteem issues. She gets bummed about her ex not paying attention to her, and not having emotion towards her and she isn't able to move on from it. Now I know you don't want to hear this because I was in the same boat you were in- but she is using you for the emotional aspects she doesn't get from her ex and she is trying to fill that void through you. Now I know that sucks that she says you guys are 'just friends' because you both know you arn't, but she isn't comfortable with herself because of the situation her BF put her in which limits her ability to move on. By her telling you things and complimenting you she is indeed flirting, but I think its just for attention. Women want the guys that don't pay attention to them to pay attention to them, and the guys that do pay attention to them they take for granted.

:eek: This may well be the best post EVER in one of these threads Dr. Dan

edvedder913

Heineken Helen wrote:

:eek: This may well be the best post EVER in one of these threads Dr. Dan

take out the generalization that women take for granted the guys that pay attention to them and want the ones who ignore them, and maybe I'll agree with you. I HATE that men say that all the time. Many people are like that - men AND women.

comebackwoman

thunderDAN wrote:

I was in a similar situation once but it was actually more sexual, but I'll give you some advice for what I think might be going on and hopefully it turns out better for you than it did for me..

I really think that women seek attachment elsewhere when they arn't getting it from the person they seek it from. It sounds like with all her griping about her ex that deep down she knows he is no good for her, but she still wants it because it has been evading her. This might explain why she has self esteem issues. She gets bummed about her ex not paying attention to her, and not having emotion towards her and she isn't able to move on from it. Now I know you don't want to hear this because I was in the same boat you were in- but she is using you for the emotional aspects she doesn't get from her ex and she is trying to fill that void through you. Now I know that sucks that she says you guys are 'just friends' because you both know you arn't, but she isn't comfortable with herself because of the situation her BF put her in which limits her ability to move on. By her telling you things and complimenting you she is indeed flirting, but I think its just for attention. Women want the guys that don't pay attention to them to pay attention to them, and the guys that do pay attention to them they take for granted. I just think she is keeping herself ready hoping he will comeback to her, and that by dating you she loses that chance and your friendship that is more than a normal friendship

I don't know, see I did the wrong thing when I was in this situation- I was unable to look outside the situation and get away from my feelings I had for a girl and it screwed everything up. I would suggest playing it cool and just doing your best to still talk and all that because she knows your feelings now, so if something happens it happens.

Good luck to you though

This may be true...but I think it depends on her motivation. I think of my male friends the same as my female friends in a lot of ways...I will talk to them about my relationship, I am affectionate, I like to joke (which depending on the joke and the other person's perspective can seem like flirting). It's possible she wanted the attention from him that she wasn't getting from her bf...or it's possible she really trusts him as a friend and was being open with him as she may be with one of her female friends...and I think when you REALLY think of someone as just a friend, it's hard to envision that they think of you any differently...now that she knows you will see if she adjusts her boundaries with you - that will clue you in on her motivation.

thunderDAN

Heineken Helen wrote:

:eek: This may well be the best post EVER in one of these threads Dr. Dan

I was posting on here in the same boat this guy was in just a couple months ago. Someone on here told me what I didn't want to hear and it really helped me take a step back, look at things again, then come to a conclusion to what the situation really was. I think when we fall for someone we always want to overlook signs that tell us we are just friends and look for every single tiny sign that says we are something more.

I'm not trying to be harsh, I'm just giving him a point of view from someone that has been in this situation for over 3 years

edvedder913 wrote:

take out the generalization that women take for granted the guys that pay attention to them and want the ones who ignore them, and maybe I'll agree with you. I HATE that men say that all the time. Many people are like that - men AND women.

yeah I don't mean only women do that, men do that aswell, but I think it is more common in women

Heineken Helen

thunderDAN wrote:

I think when we fall for someone we always want to overlook signs that tell us we are just friends and look for every single tiny sign that says we are something more.

Absolutely

decides2dream

edvedder913 wrote:

take out the generalization that women take for granted the guys that pay attention to them and want the ones who ignore them, and maybe I'll agree with you. I HATE that men say that all the time. Many people are like that - men AND women.

AGREED!



as for 'advice'....seems well covered. she's just not that into you. there it is. however, i think it's great you got that 'out there'...b/c many don't take it that far and they should. being as upfront and as honest in regards to expectations/desires is a GOOD thing.





btw - while i most definitely agree that men and women are different, i do NOT, nor will i probably ever....hold a GFs hand nor cuddle with her on the couch, nor grind* her on the dance floor. i am VERY affectionate to male and female friends alike....but yes, i don't cuddle or grind with ANYone i am not sexually attracted to/involved with. but hey, that's just me.


*edited for typo.

thunderDAN

My sister always told me something like "if a girl complains about her boyfriend or ex boyfriend to you she doesn't want you to be her boyfriend, she might want to sleep with you or something like that, but by talking about her boyfriend it assures 2 things, a) you are in the friendzone and b)she still wishes he was her boyfriend"