Acquaintance Rape

pjhabit · December 2007

vital5 wrote:

is tish even hot?

nevermind I'll keep this to myself

Heineken Helen · December 2007

redrock wrote:

I think it could be an american thing too. I have lots of american friends like I have lots of European friends and have lived in the US and in various european countries. They do think differently when it comes to the sexes, what the 'signals' (or lack thereof) can be and what friendship/hanging out with each other may be.

It's an interesting thought... cos I've notice this crop up in other threads too... where the American posters have one view and the Europeans another on this topic.

Heineken Helen · December 2007

AllNiteThing wrote:

If you as a woman want to invite complete strangers over to your house to watch videos, then good luck is all I have to say. I'd recommend getting to know them a bit first, but that's just crazy ol' me.

she didn't say he was a complete stranger, I would use a confused smilie to emphasise my confusion, but since that seems to piss you off, I'll refrain

ooops, couldn't help that one though

I've been posting here a couple of years and I'd say 95% of my posts have at least 2 smillies in them... none of them to be condescending or a bitch, in case you're taking it personally.

Heineken Helen · December 2007

AllNiteThing wrote:

No that's just women. Like I said before, I still can't get over how to this day women don't understand how men work. It's so simple. Women don't understand how men are into porn or look at other women, or can't be 'just friends' with a hot girl, etc etc. Enough with the cluelessness. Men are men. Always have been, always will be, not matter how much you think they are pigs. Deal with it or join a convent.

jordywordy and jeremy are both guys... both European... and they've said they have plenty of female friends who they can't see as anything other than a friend. Join a convent???? Is that what I must do now? :rolleyes:

Heineken Helen · December 2007

AllNiteThing wrote:

Yea, it's just more dramatization from the drama/victim crowd. Shameful slap in the face to real victims.

drama/victim crowd? What the fuck's that meant to mean? You're the one who think we should all have in the back of our mind that we could be raped... you're the one saying that if I invite a guy to my place, I should expect him to make a move :rolleyes: . You seem to WANT us to be victims... I'm arguing the opposite... that's the point of my ENTIRE argument here.

and what would you know about real victims anyway? Fuck all I'd say... I'm willing to believe that you think the only rape is the kind where you're dragged down an alley and beaten to a pulp.

Heineken Helen · December 2007

drivingrl wrote:

Nah, nothing he did was criminal or illegal in any way, obviously. I don't know about the trespassing bit, but otherwise nothing illegal happened.

But one thing that I think is clear is that what happened was not her fault. The responsibility lays solely with him, regardless of her actions.

It sounds like a ridiculous argument for me to stress, but it's important for people to understand that people who are victims of things like this are not to blame. I'm sorry to use the word "victim," because that's a heavily-loaded word to use in this case being that she wasn't raped, but it's a chilling thing when someone tries to exert that kind of power over you. It shakes you a bit.

And I'm sure tish will have learned something from this situation, but it's very risky to go around pointing the finger and saying, "Well, you're the one who invited him over, so it's your fault," because it never is. Rape victims are fastest to blame themselves for being raped, and that kind of mentality can be crippling. That is something that takes years to recover from.

oh I'm guessing you're one of the drama/victim crowd, eh? AllNiteThing don't you get that there could be girls reading this wondering what to do. It may be just the 'dramatic' ones doing the talking here but it's GOOD to talk about this kinda stuff... but hey, you wouldn't understand any of that! It's good for other girls to READ this stuff and realise that they're actually NOT the only ones... and that there are answers out there and that they shouldn't blame themselves. It doesnt' do much help to read some of the opinions on here... so if somebody can feel a bit better about themselves from this thread or any other thread, I couldn't give a FUCK what kinda opinion YOU form of me.

Heineken Helen · December 2007

comebackgirl wrote:

...or maybe trusting or naive...i think a lot of times people aren't aware of danger until they're exposed to it...either directly or vicariously. Sometimes you don't even realize the risks until after something bad happens.

funny thing is it was the opposite for me... I used to undergo ALL kinds of risk assessments and stay away from various situations and tried to keep safe. When I realised it can happen anywhere or anytime I thought there's no point losing any further sleep over it.

Heineken Helen · December 2007

in_hiding79 wrote:

That Helen is funny......hehehehe

and I wonder where Tish is..?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Hehehehehe indeed :rolleyes: thanks for your intelligent input

Heineken Helen · December 2007

tish wrote:

Yes, I demonstrated poor judgement inviting the man (that I have had small-talk with for a year) over without making my get-to-know him better intentions crystal clear. I won't put my self in that predicament again.

His behaviour truly disgusted me. His solicitations made me want to jump in the shower and scrub myself after he left. (Insert shudder here.)

I very much appreciated tips on keeping safe while dating. I'm usually in long-term relationships.

Trespassing, hey. Who knew?

thanks for the update tish... funny that there's no reply from the lads on that one... oh and they wanna know what you were wearing

Sorry you felt like that.

NOCODE#1 · December 2007

tish wrote:

Last weekend, I invited a man over to watch videos since the snow didn't call for going out for coffee. This guy took the invitation as sexual rights. Except for him (respecting) my "No's", I'd say he did everything but rape me. He said I was asking for it by the way I was dressed. And if I wouldn't do this, would I do that? And since I wouldn't do that, would I do this? In the words of Avril Lavigne, it was "badder than it sounds." I held the door open for him to leave and that took 15 painful minutes.

The experience rates #2 in my top two worst times with a male. (The first, worst time being when I nearly divorced yet managed to help write a few hit songs...)

plant.....................

The Champ · December 2007

Heineken Helen wrote:

thanks for the update tish... funny that there's no reply from the lads on that one... oh and they wanna know what you were wearing

Sorry you felt like that.

What the fuck else do you want to talk about? Her last comment mostly clears up what the majority thought and presumed all along. So she knew the dude for a year. She invited him over for what all of us American males would consider a romantic (insert whatever the fuck suits you here) purpose. He made his move, as most males would in a similar situation. She wasn't feeling him as much as she thought she might. He was horny and confused. Was a fool for begging for some. Was a bigger fool for not leaving earlier if she asked him to..

AllNiteThing · December 2007

Heineken Helen wrote:

oh I'm guessing you're one of the drama/victim crowd, eh? AllNiteThing don't you get that there could be girls reading this wondering what to do. It may be just the 'dramatic' ones doing the talking here but it's GOOD to talk about this kinda stuff... but hey, you wouldn't understand any of that! It's good for other girls to READ this stuff and realise that they're actually NOT the only ones... and that there are answers out there and that they shouldn't blame themselves. It doesnt' do much help to read some of the opinions on here... so if somebody can feel a bit better about themselves from this thread or any other thread, I couldn't give a FUCK what kinda opinion YOU form of me.

Damn, such hostility and personal attacks. Again, don't know why you're taking this so personally. Like I said, I don't think you're looking at this clearly because of that, but I digress...

This is NOT about rape or assault. Period. Nobody's advocating that and nobody is saying that if you are a victim of that then it is your fault. It's some people here who are blowing this whole situation WAY out of proportion :rolleyes: (how was that?) just to play the victim card. Or act condescending. Or complain. Whatever gets you off I guess. As Soulsinging said, as soon as she said no and that he should leave, he SHOULD HAVE LEFT. Nobody is saying otherwise. Can we agree on that?

The talk that a crime happened or trespassing or whatever is just ludicrous over dramatizing. Again, you are projecting yourself onto her. 'It's good for girls to know they're not the only ones'???? Excuse me, but again no crime took place here. She wasn't assaulted. This isn't your situation at the party and the longer you make that correlation, the more circular this discussion gets and the more angry you sound. And please don't presume to know what my experiences are, it only makes you sound more presumptuous and condescending. :rolleyes: (another one for ya)

All I and the rest of the rational heads here are attempting to say is that she made VERY poor judgement inviting a strange man over to her place. If you don't see the inherent danger that in and of itself poses to a woman, then there really isn't anything else to discuss. You live in a different world than I and everyone else I know or have ever known. Good luck.

(one for the road there...enjoy)

AllNiteThing · December 2007

Heineken Helen wrote:

drama/victim crowd? What the fuck's that meant to mean?

It means some of you (ahem) are projecting crimes and assaults in places where none occurred. Why is that? Because you are quick to point a finger? Because you secretly distrust all men and already presume that he is at fault or did something wrong? I don't know, you tell me, but it certainly comes off as overdramatic and victimization syndrome.

Heineken Helen wrote:

You're the one who think we should all have in the back of our mind that we could be raped...

Excuse me for being concerned for the safety of women. :rolleyes: Apparently you have a rosier outlook on the world, but I've seen enough of the news and know enough people who have been in dangerous situations. REAL victims. I know that women are assaulted by men much more than the other way around and it doesn't usually occur when they are surrounded by friends. Excuse me for thinking inviting a strange man to your place sounds like poor judgement. Apparently my logic is faulty. :rolleyes:

Heineken Helen wrote:

you're the one saying that if I invite a guy to my place, I should expect him to make a move :rolleyes: .

A strange man? Yes. A man you're interested in? Yes. A longtime friend or family member? No. Wow, that logic was tough to type out, you think you got it? Regardless of what you want or expect, if you invite a STRANGE man or romantic interest over, YES, you should EXPECT him to make a move. This way you are on guard. If he doesn't, oh well. You would be stupid to be naive about it.

Heineken Helen wrote:

You seem to WANT us to be victims...

Wow, that's out of left field. Thanks for the demonizing attempt at minimizing my opinions. This in no way reflects anything that I've said.

Heineken Helen wrote:

I'm arguing the opposite... that's the point of my ENTIRE argument here.

Your ENTIRE argument revolves around projecting your personal victim story onto the OP's shady situation. Not EVERY thread is about you, HH.

Heineken Helen wrote:

and what would you know about real victims anyway? Fuck all I'd say...

Wow, thanks for presuming what my life experiences are. I'm sure you just summed it up. :rolleyes: (that one was deserved)

Heineken Helen wrote:

I'm willing to believe that you think the only rape is the kind where you're dragged down an alley and beaten to a pulp.

Yea, sure. :rolleyes:

MCG · December 2007

tish wrote:

(The first, worst time being when I nearly divorced yet managed to help write a few hit songs...)

For the Spin Doctors? Yeah, that makes sense. I'm goin' with Spin Doctors.

AllNiteThing · December 2007

tish wrote:

The experience rates #2 in my top two worst times with a male. (The first, worst time being when I nearly divorced yet managed to help write a few hit songs...)

Seriously....can you start a new thread about this?

redrock · December 2007

The Champ wrote:

What the fuck else do you want to talk about? Her last comment mostly clears up what the majority thought and presumed all along.

I think the majority presumed this man was a 'strange man' (as AllNiteThing is still posting). Reading between the line, most presumed she asked a total stranger back to her house (several posts mentioning that). Tish did clear it up, it is someone she had known for about a year - albeit exchanging chit-chat...

MCG · December 2007

AllNiteThing wrote:

Seriously....can you start a new thread about this?

I wouldn't if I was her. A lot of people on hear (myself included) are super snobby when it comes to music. For every 2 people that say 'cool, that is awesome' there will prbably be 3 others who speak negatively about the song(s) and then we'll have a giant fight thread that will get locked in about a day and a half.

Jeanie · December 2007

http://www.barcc.org/thefacts.html

http://media.www.dailylobo.com/media/storage/paper344/news/2005/01/27/News/Unm-Rape.Stats.Deceptive-843194.shtml

http://www.sacasa.org/acqrape.htm

http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/HOFindings159.pdf

http://www2.ucsc.edu/rape-prevention/statistics.html

http://www.endabuse.org/resources/facts/

http://www.crisiscenter.org/RapeMythesFacts.htm

http://www.d.umn.edu/cla/faculty/jhamlin/3925/myths.html

Heineken Helen · December 2007

The Champ wrote:

What the fuck else do you want to talk about? Her last comment mostly clears up what the majority thought and presumed all along. So she knew the dude for a year. She invited him over for what all of us American males would consider a romantic (insert whatever the fuck suits you here) purpose. He made his move, as most males would in a similar situation. She wasn't feeling him as much as she thought she might. He was horny and confused. Was a fool for begging for some. Was a bigger fool for not leaving earlier if she asked him to..

Huh? They were calling him a STRANGER to dramatise their points... sounds like she knew him better than the guy I considered to be a friend.

The Champ · December 2007

redrock wrote:

I think the majority presumed this man was a 'strange man' (as AllNiteThing is still posting). Reading between the line, most presumed she asked a total stranger back to her house (several posts mentioning that). Tish did clear it up, it is someone she had known for about a year - albeit exchanging chit-chat...

I took it for granted that no one in their right mind thought that she would invite a man she just met at the bus stop over. I don't think anyone would invite a total stranger over like that, would they? By stranger, I presumed most thought like me, was someone other than an established friend. Someone she's been flirting and chatting with casually but doesn't know that well. Someone one would invite over on a cold Winter romantic evening to see where the relationship may or may not lead..

Acquaintance Rape

Comments

Categories