Need Relationship/Female Advice!!!!

AllNiteThing · May 2008

Ok bear with me, I'll try to make this as short and concise as possible....

So I met this girl through a mutual friend about 2 months ago. Since day 1 she's been complaining to me about her boyfriend. Apparently he moved to Florida about 5 months ago on only a day's notice, never seems interested in her coming to visit and is pretty absent emotionally. I suppose I turned into the 'emotional friend', emailing back and forth every day, test messaging, talking on the phone, etc. We've gotten together a couple of times a week since we met and really clicked like I haven't with anyone in a long, long time.

She's confided a lot in me about what she wants out of a relationship, she's told me about how the issues with the bf and other things have given her low self esteem, she doesn't think she could find anyone else, she's getting old (31), etc etc. I really started falling for her, and it hasn't helped that I definitely think she's been flirty, for example saying how guys who play instruments are 'sex' (after I told her I play guitar) or complimenting me on various things. I came to the conclusion that when I could finally get her alone I'd tell her how I felt and see what happens.

Fast forward to the past two weeks. I went away to Florida last week, but a couple days before she called in tears telling me her and the bf broke up. I was ecstatic but tried to console her and tell her I'm her for her, etc etc. Well when I went to Fla we talked a bunch on the phone, she said she missed me, valued my friendship (uh oh), etc etc. and she's been really pushing to do more this summer like mini golf, movies, camping. Seemed all the signs are there, right?

---almost done!---

So I finally get her alone last night at a trivia contest at a local bar (our usual outing). I gave her a shirt from Florida and she was taken aback, saying how her bf never gives her anything. She gave me multiple compliments on what I was wearing and other little things. After we were done I was ready to make my move, and it was getting a little weird with her saying how she's not looking for much, just wants someone who wants to be with her, someone to come home to, etc. The green light was on. I came out and said how I'm attracted to her, I've probably made it obvious, I want to take her out, etc. I told her I don't want to lose what we have, but I want more.

She was shocked, didn't see it coming (supposedly), had no idea I was interested. She said she can't even think of being with someone for months, is still not over the bf and is confused if she wants him back, despite everyone (friends, family) saying he needs to get lost. She said I'm crazy for thinking she's attractive, because of the low self esteem I guess. Anyway, after a little more talking she just asked me to walk her to her car, gave me a hug and that was that.

I'm so confused now. How can a girl have a guy friend and after all the back and forth, NOT know he's interested? Was that just an act? How can she act the way she's been and not be interested in me? Unless she thought I was gay or completely repulsed by me (I'm sure neither is true), why would she be so friendly? My plan now is to just keep hanging out, back off and see how things go. Any other advice, tips, insight??? Help!!!

(sorry for the endless post)

edvedder913 · May 2008

honestly, i do not see any mixed messages. there is a difference between compliments and flirting. i have a lot of male friends - many who are married - i compliment them. i email them, i hug and kiss them when i see them. i am NOT flirting with them. i care about them - they are my friends.

from the story you told, it doesn't seem to me that she has showed any interest other than being your friend because she truly enjoys your company.

sorry

AllNiteThing · May 2008

edvedder913 wrote:

honestly, i do not see any mixed messages. there is a difference between compliments and flirting. i have a lot of male friends - many who are married - i compliment them. i email them, i hug and kiss them when i see them. i am NOT flirting with them. i care about them - they are my friends.

from the story you told, it doesn't seem to me that she has showed any interest other than being your friend because she truly enjoys your company.

sorry

lol thanks. Oh well. :(

AmentsChick · May 2008

AWWW, Mikey!!!!!!!

AllNiteThing · May 2008

AmentsChick wrote:

AWWW, Mikey!!!!!!!

Haha. Thanks.

Any advice, M? So if this has been strictly on the friend tip the whole time, is there anything I can do? Did I make a bad move putting myself out there?

markymark550 · May 2008

Sorry to say it, but once you get to the friend zone, it's hard to work your way up to boyfriend. Not saying it's impossible, just not very likely.

AmentsChick · May 2008

AllNiteThing wrote:

Haha. Thanks. Any advice, M? So if this has been strictly on the friend tip the whole time, is there anything I can do? Did I make a bad move putting myself out there?

I'm leaving for work right now (I'm actually running late), but I'll email you when I get there.

Heineken Helen · May 2008

AllNiteThing wrote:

Haha. Thanks. Any advice, M? So if this has been strictly on the friend tip the whole time, is there anything I can do? Did I make a bad move putting myself out there?

no ya didn't... at least you've got it out of the way. You did what quite a few people here are incapable of doing... actually telling her what's what... nothing shameful about that... so she doesn't see it the same way, it's shit but at least you know exactly where you stand. It didn't work out how you wanted and that's a shame but people are confusing... sometimes we see what we want to see when quite often it's just somebody who needs a friend

.

Heineken Helen · May 2008

If her friendship is really important to you and you don't want to lose that and things are awkward between ya... you're probably gonna have to apologise

and say how you don't want things to change between you two, that you value her friendship too much.

AllNiteThing · May 2008

Heineken Helen wrote:

no ya didn't... at least you've got it out of the way. You did what quite a few people here are incapable of doing... actually telling her what's what... nothing shameful about that... so she doesn't see it the same way, it's shit but at least you know exactly where you stand. It didn't work out how you wanted and that's a shame but people are confusing... sometimes we see what we want to see when quite often it's just somebody who needs a friend .

Thanks Helen. Yeah, it was really good to get it out of me, it's a burden.

She's definitely hard to read, and I understand the friend angle but sometimes it seems so obvious that there's something there. I guess I still have a little hope as long as she can get over the ex. Women are too damn confusing!

AllNiteThing · May 2008

Heineken Helen wrote:

If her friendship is really important to you and you don't want to lose that and things are awkward between ya... you're probably gonna have to apologise and say how you don't want things to change between you two, that you value her friendship too much.

Yeah, I did that last night and nothing really became awkward thankfully, I tried keeping it as lighthearted as possible. It was a relief that I could talk to her more openly finally. I'm just gonna back off and see what she does I guess. Thanks for your help.

NY PJ1 · May 2008

just pork her

AllNiteThing · May 2008

NY PJ1 wrote:

just pork her

I knew that was coming

you are · May 2008

it sounds to me like she needs to work on herself. she needs to find her self-confidence and her own security in who she is. if you try to get with her now and build up her confidence, then her identity will be found in you. you will define her....do you see how that could be bad and unhealthy? i think you could be her friend, but that's all for now. i would even say to keep your distance for a bit.

NY PJ1 · May 2008

AllNiteThing wrote:

I knew that was coming

DeLukin · May 2008

My vote is to date one of her friends. That'll show you what she REALLY thinks of you...

Heineken Helen · May 2008

AllNiteThing wrote:

Thanks Helen. Yeah, it was really good to get it out of me, it's a burden.

She's definitely hard to read, and I understand the friend angle but sometimes it seems so obvious that there's something there. I guess I still have a little hope as long as she can get over the ex. Women are too damn confusing!

Trust me, men are just as confusing

. I've been in this situation... and ya read every little thing, when it's actually just somebody being nice

. I will say that that was your one mistake though... so soon after the ex

. Of course there's a chance things could change but I'd stick with the friends side of things for a while.

comebackwoman · May 2008

edvedder913 wrote:

honestly, i do not see any mixed messages. there is a difference between compliments and flirting. i have a lot of male friends - many who are married - i compliment them. i email them, i hug and kiss them when i see them. i am NOT flirting with them. i care about them - they are my friends.

from the story you told, it doesn't seem to me that she has showed any interest other than being your friend because she truly enjoys your company.

sorry

yeah I agree. I think sometimes what females display as being friendly, guys sometimes interpret as being flirtatious. I think signals get crossed all the time in male/female friendships.

That being said...I'm sorry :( sounds like you really like her. Sometimes females can be hard to read

NY PJ1 · May 2008

just make cyber love 24 -7 ,,it will be fun

Heineken Helen · May 2008

AllNiteThing wrote:

Yeah, I did that last night and nothing really became awkward thankfully, I tried keeping it as lighthearted as possible. It was a relief that I could talk to her more openly finally. I'm just gonna back off and see what she does I guess. Thanks for your help.

That's good

. You seem to be on top of this without our advice

. I can imagine how you're feeling right now... but it's better now than in ten years posting a thread about how she emailed you out of the blue and asking us if you should propose to her

edvedder913 · May 2008

Sometime I think we feel "mixed signals" b/c we feel something and almost feel like they have to as well.

Also keep in mind, girls are really not that confusing - we are just different. You will never see a guy hold his guy friends hand. But girls do that. We will cuddle up on the couch w/our best girlfriend. we will grind each other on the dance floor

VERY different species us girls and boys.....:D

i would listen to what she is telling you, not the "vibes" you are getting from her when you are together. also, give her some time to get over the boyfriend. in a few months she may see things differently. it can happen.

Need Relationship/Female Advice!!!!

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