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What jokes do you never get tired of?

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  • he still standshe still stands Posts: 2,835
    Purple Puppy wrote:
    anything by Eddie Izzard.

    My wife and I always find ourselves saying to each other:

    "Arrrre yoooooou hapy with yo wash?"

    and

    "BUNCH of flowas!"
    Everything not forbidden is compulsory and eveything not compulsory is forbidden. You are free... free to do what the government says you can do.
  • South of SeattleSouth of Seattle West Seattle Posts: 10,724
    What do Ethiopians and Parachute Pants have in Common?


























































    They're both covered in flies :D
    NERDS!
  • normnorm Posts: 31,146
    How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ear's pierced?
  • beachdwellerbeachdweller Posts: 1,532
    How do you get a Nun pregnant?

    Dress her up as an altar boy.....doh!
    "Music, for me, was fucking heroin." eV (nothing Ed has said is more true for me personally than this quote)

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  • anothercloneanotherclone Posts: 1,688
    I love to do this knock/knock joke to my daughter.

    Me: Knock knock

    Kid: Who's there

    Me: Interrupting cow

    Kid: Interrupting co....

    Me: MOOOOOOO!

    So dumb.
  • emily18emily18 Posts: 489
    that's what she said.
  • he still standshe still stands Posts: 2,835
    anotherclone wrote:
    I love to do this knock/knock joke to my daughter.

    Me: Knock knock

    Kid: Who's there

    Me: Interrupting cow

    Kid: Interrupting co....

    Me: MOOOOOOO!

    So dumb.

    Follow it up with:

    Me: Knock knock

    Kid: Who's there

    Me: Interrupting sloth

    Kid: Interrupting sloth who?

    Me: slowly raise your hand and do the "your face is smooth this way"
    Everything not forbidden is compulsory and eveything not compulsory is forbidden. You are free... free to do what the government says you can do.
  • beachdwellerbeachdweller Posts: 1,532
    What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?

    Dam!


    What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?

    Spoiled Milk.


    How Are a Texas Tornado And a Texas Divorce The Same?

    Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
    "Music, for me, was fucking heroin." eV (nothing Ed has said is more true for me personally than this quote)

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  • beachdwellerbeachdweller Posts: 1,532
    do I dare bring up dumb blonde jokes?

    What does a blonde Owl say?

    What, what?



    What's the difference between blondes and McDonald's?

    blonde serves more people in a night.



    What happens when a blonde developes Alzheimers?

    Her IQ goes up.



    Why are there no dumb brunettes?

    Peroxide.
    "Music, for me, was fucking heroin." eV (nothing Ed has said is more true for me personally than this quote)

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  • acoustic guyacoustic guy Posts: 3,770
    Did you hear about the gay midget? Yea, he came out of the cabinet. :D
    Did you hear about the midget that commited suicide? Yea, he jumped off the curb. :D
    Badum dum tiss!
    Get em a Body Bag Yeeeeeaaaaa!
    Sweep the Leg Johnny.
  • LONGRDLONGRD Posts: 6,036
    he still stands wrote:
    If you don't like that one, I've got a better one for ya.

    Here ya go:

    My dad used to wash out my mouth with soap...











    To get rid of the evidence.
    haha....lol :o
    PJ- 04/29/2003.06/24,25,27,28,30/2008.10/27,28,30,31/2009
    EV- 08/09,10/2008.06/08,09/2009
  • kristophedkristophed Posts: 73
    Whats the hardest part of the vegetable to eat?



    The wheelchair
    ____________________________________________

    Whats green and has 9 wheels?


    Grass I lied about the wheels

    ____________________________________________

    A lady gives birth and the doctor takes the baby after delivery and starts throwing it around the room, kicking and punching it. The mother is completely horrified about whats going on, then the Doctor turns to her and says "Don't worry it was already dead!"

    Sorry that one was really bad
  • timrothtimroth Posts: 215
    tish wrote:
    I never get tired of kid jokes, clean, simple ones, like:

    What's green but smells like red paint?


    green paint


    This made me laugh more than it should have.

    Here is another joke:

    On the wedding night:
    Wife: what can I do for you to make you feel special?
    Husband: how about a blowjob?
    Wife: I can’t do that you wont respect me anymore.

    10 yr anniversary

    Wife: what can I do for you to make you feel special?
    Husband: how about a blow job, its been 10 yrs and I would love one?
    Wife: I can’t do that you wont respect me anymore.

    20 yr anniversary

    Wife: what can I do for you to make you feel special?
    Husband: how about a blow job, its been 20 yrs and I would love one. I think I have proved that I will still respect you.
    Wife: I can’t do that you wont respect me anymore.

    30 yr anniversary

    Wife: what can I do for you to make you feel special?
    Husband: how about a blow job, its been 30 yrs and I would love one. I think I have proved that I will still respect you. It’s been 30 years and men have needs
    Wife: well all right. I guess after 30 yrs you have earned it.

    While the phone is doing her thing the phone rings. The husband answers it.

    He hands the phone to his wife and says "hey cocksucker the phones for you"
  • jamie ukjamie uk Posts: 3,812
    he still stands wrote:
    If you don't like that one, I've got a better one for ya.

    Here ya go:

    My dad used to wash out my mouth with soap...


    To get rid of the evidence.


    :( sorry, guess our sense of humours differ greatly. To me that is just not amusing, I mean, shocking does not always = funny. I just find it a little infantile sorry, that's maybe just me :o

    Here's one.
    A guy is standing on a bridge over the river at night taking a pee when another fella stands next to him to pee...the first guy tries to impress him as it's dark and says "my, that river is sure cold on the end of it"...second guy goes "sure is cold,... and I'm quite suprised how deep it is".


    :D now that ^ is a joke.
    I came, I saw, I concurred.....
  • PearlJamaholicPearlJamaholic Posts: 2,019
    my two favorite of all time (i think) are

    a duck walks into a bar, the bartender says your pants are down

    why do women wear make-up and perfume?
    cause they are ugly and they stink!
    http://db.etree.org/PearlJamaholic
  • harmless_little_f***harmless_little_f*** Posts: 8,005
    A woman walked into a bar and asked the barman for a double entendre.

    So he gave her one.
    'We're learning songs for baby Jesus' birthday. His mum and dad were Merry and Joseph. He had a bed made of clay and the three kings bought him Gold, Frankenstein and Merv as presents.'

    - the great Sir Leo Harrison
  • harmless_little_f***harmless_little_f*** Posts: 8,005
    How do you know when the vegetables are ready?

    The wheelchairs will float to the top.
    'We're learning songs for baby Jesus' birthday. His mum and dad were Merry and Joseph. He had a bed made of clay and the three kings bought him Gold, Frankenstein and Merv as presents.'

    - the great Sir Leo Harrison
  • harmless_little_f***harmless_little_f*** Posts: 8,005
    How do you make a dog drink?

    Put him in a blender.
    'We're learning songs for baby Jesus' birthday. His mum and dad were Merry and Joseph. He had a bed made of clay and the three kings bought him Gold, Frankenstein and Merv as presents.'

    - the great Sir Leo Harrison
  • aspoonfulweighsatonaspoonfulweighsaton Posts: 2,055
    What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

    Nothing. She's already been told twice.
  • LONGRDLONGRD Posts: 6,036
    aspoonfulweighsaton wrote:
    What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

    Nothing. She's already been told twice.
    lmao...sorry, that's really bad but i laughed out loud. :o
    PJ- 04/29/2003.06/24,25,27,28,30/2008.10/27,28,30,31/2009
    EV- 08/09,10/2008.06/08,09/2009
  • SpunkieSpunkie i come from downtown. Posts: 6,773
    "The great god Thor comes to earth once, see? And I guess this would likely be in some Scandinavian country, eh? Anyway, he meets this lovely country girl. So he - he - persuades her. You know, he persuades her. To go into a hayfield with him. Well, he seduces her, see? But later on, he feels kind of bad, being as he had an advantage. I mean, he is - like - a god, see, so who could resist him? You know? So he says to her, Look, there's something I oughta tell you. I'm Thor. And she says Tho am I, but it wath worth it, wathn't it?"

    - Margaret Laurence, The Fire-Dwellers
  • Rhinocerous SurpriseRhinocerous Surprise Posts: 4,423
    Q: Why did the psychic chicken kill itself?

    A: To get to the "other side". :D
    Smokey Robinson constantly looks like he's trying to act natural after being accused of farting.
  • pearljgirl2010pearljgirl2010 Shillington, PA/Tuckerton, NJ Posts: 3,428
    it's not an actual joke, but "so's your face" can be really funny....or "Your face is....." I always laugh when I say that to someone.
    For example:

    "That dog is chasing it's tail"

    "Your face is chasing it's tail

    or

    "It's ridiculously hot in here"
    "Your face is ridiculously hot" (sometimes it backfires and can sound like compliment. that's funny too.)
    Need a tour Travel Agent??? Pick me :-)

    Whatever you are, be a good one --Lincoln
  • kristophedkristophed Posts: 73
    A guy walks into a bar

    "Ouch"



    A guy walks into a bar and orders 5 shots.
    The bartender watches him do all five in a row, so the bartender says "whats the special occasion?"

    Guys responds "First blowjob"

    So the bartender pours another and says "congratulations here's another one on the house"

    Guy responds again "If those 5 didn't get the taste out of my mouth, 6 won't make a difference!"
  • pjfan31pjfan31 Posts: 7,335
    Q) Whats big, red and eats rocks?

    A) A big red rock eater....

    Q)What do you call a man with a shovel on his head???

    A) Doug

    Q) What do you call a man without a shovel on his head???

    A) Dougless
    Sydney 11/02/2003
    Sydney 14/02/2003
    Sydney 07/11/2006
    Sydney 18/11/2006
    Sydney 22/11/2009
    EV Sydney 18/03/2011
    EV Sydney 19/03/2011
    EV Sydney 20/03/2011
    Melbourne 24/01/2014
    Sydney 26/01/2014
    EV Sydney 13/02/2014
  • jamie ukjamie uk Posts: 3,812
    harmless_little_f*** wrote:
    A woman walked into a bar and asked the barman for a double entendre.

    So he gave her one.


    :D
    Now that's a joke! nice one.
    I came, I saw, I concurred.....
  • pjfan31pjfan31 Posts: 7,335
    chiquimonkey wrote:
    there were two peanuts walking through central park and one was a-salted
    :p


    That is my Dad's favourite one...
    Sydney 11/02/2003
    Sydney 14/02/2003
    Sydney 07/11/2006
    Sydney 18/11/2006
    Sydney 22/11/2009
    EV Sydney 18/03/2011
    EV Sydney 19/03/2011
    EV Sydney 20/03/2011
    Melbourne 24/01/2014
    Sydney 26/01/2014
    EV Sydney 13/02/2014
  • pjfan31pjfan31 Posts: 7,335
    Did you hear about the two gay sailors??

    They gave each other a tug for christmas
    Sydney 11/02/2003
    Sydney 14/02/2003
    Sydney 07/11/2006
    Sydney 18/11/2006
    Sydney 22/11/2009
    EV Sydney 18/03/2011
    EV Sydney 19/03/2011
    EV Sydney 20/03/2011
    Melbourne 24/01/2014
    Sydney 26/01/2014
    EV Sydney 13/02/2014
  • jamie ukjamie uk Posts: 3,812
    My son was attacked by a squirrel, I told him it was his own fault, he was acting like a nut.
    I came, I saw, I concurred.....
  • HinnyHinny Posts: 1,610
    Anything involving Michael Jackson is always funny.
    Binary solo..000000100000111100001110
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