It's funny how the hetero's take marriage for granted. A few years back I was pounding the pavement to get signatures to legalize gay marriages. After this became part of BC's legislation, I rewrote ceremonial vows for "same sex unions" at the church I worked at.
I appreciate "I'll break the law, if it's illegal for us to fuck" as sung on IIC.
Here's the thing though. I don't take it for granted, which is why I won't blindly walk into it, and at the same time, I wish everyone has the same right as hetero's.
I will fight for any and support any duo that feels they're ready to get married. They have that right. Especially in the United States with our insurance policies. The gays and lesbians are totally fucked with that one with not being able to support another with insurance if their significant other is unable to supply themselves with it.
Just because at this stage in my life I'm against myself getting married, I'm not against any other couple that feels they're ready to get married. I'm just asking what the benefits and reasons are to it these days...And I definitely understand the insurance idea.
My husband and I wondered about this for a very long time. We moved in together, we had kids together, and it was when our older child was getting ready to go to school that we finally got married. The reasons?
1. Same last name - just makes the whole kid thing easier
2. Tax incentive - yes, by getting a dumb piece of paper, we paid less taxes
3. Benefits - my husband was unable to get on my benefit plan (funny story about this - I was told that your *significant other* could get benefits assuming you lived together, etc. - so I applied for him. Big to do...then they came back and said - wait - this is for your boyfriend, not a girlfriend? They told me this was only for gay significant others! WTF? Really wasn't happy...)
So, we already had everything else...the love, the living together, bills, etc. The only thing we needed was a signed piece of paper. So we finally did it. And the kids both loved being a part of the marriage ceremony - and our parents liked the fact that they got to attend. And the cake was really good Feel just like I did before we signed the paper though.
That was a nice quick story to read. That was a good situational reason for the two of you as well. So congrats on that working out.
As far as the insurance plan, I guess I lucked out with that. Because the significant other thing worked for me. I had a girlfriend on my plan before and they accepted it as long as we had proof of residence for her. Her drivers license, and one bill was in her name, so we had the address proof, and they accepted it. But I know not very many people have that luxury at all.
Its hard to explain. But its more than just a piece of paper and a big party.
I am getting married after being together for nearly 9 years. We have been living together for 8 years and are pretty darn sure we are the ones for eachother. I dont feel socially obliged, it is not because of the legal stuff, it is not because of kids.
It just feels great to celebrate our bond in this manner! I dont think just throwing a party would feel the same. Maybe for me it is a ritual that is happy and positive and strong. So much love going round from family and friends too...it just feels special.
And we have had loads of fun organizing stuff already. We are going to have an incredible week with friends and family.
It doesnt bring us closer together bc we couldnt be closer than we are already, but it just feels warm and fuzzy. I love to be his wife and he my man. Being family, sharing a name...all that.
It is not that I think this will protect our relationship forever, but it feels good right now. Very good
You could also ask yourself why NOT marry the one you love?
And if your partner wants to get married and you dont care about it, why not do it for the one you love and are sure you will always love anyways?
I have a friend who wants to get married, but her bf doesnt bc he doesnt believe in marriage. Well then, if you dont care about marriage but your partner does why not get married than? If you love the other, why not?
Why not be mediocre and be the best at it that you can be?
I guesstimate 90% of the people on here who say they don't want kids or marriage will end up doing so. Maybe some of you haven't met the person that you can see yourself spending your life with. And I expect many of you to respond back and claim that I'm wrong or don't know what I'm talking about and all I can say is we'll see.
i don't talk in absolutes....since my early 20's i have not wanted to be in a relationship or marriage....might that attitude change? of course...
You could also ask yourself why NOT marry the one you love?
And if your partner wants to get married and you dont care about it, why not do it for the one you love and are sure you will always love anyways?
I have a friend who wants to get married, but her bf doesnt bc he doesnt believe in marriage. Well then, if you dont care about marriage but your partner does why not get married than? If you love the other, why not?
I don't think that'd work though, cause then that's just endless circle of why not's.
There's less of a chance of harm by not getting married, so why doesn't she just not get married because that's his view?
I think that's just the lazy excuse. Of course there's gotta be more to it. Sometimes there's something where one person shouldn't expect a sacrifice from the other.
It doesnt bring us closer together bc we couldnt be closer than we are already, but it just feels warm and fuzzy. I love to be his wife and he my man. Being family, sharing a name...all that.
and that is precisely what I mean by making the relationship stronger
You know, they were just out here for mother's day and my MIL was like, well you've been married for a year and 1/2 now. I would have expected an announcement by now... to which I ignored her prying, and then she followed up by reminding Josh that all his high school friends keep showing up in the local paper with their baby announcements and how she wishes she could do the same for us. It truly makes me cringe. Then she asked me if I would consider just trying for a baby at this point. This all was going on at Mother's Day lunch. Its hard to be rude to guests when they visit, but her comments totally crossed the line with me!
Ugh. I can't imagine having that kind of pressure put on me. It's such a huge and personal decision!
I'm so glad I neutralized that potential situation with our families by just getting knocked up before our wedding!
I don't think that'd work though, cause then that's just endless circle of why not's.
There's less of a chance of harm by not getting married, so why doesn't she just not get married because that's his view?
I think that's just the lazy excuse. Of course there's gotta be more to it. Sometimes there's something where one person shouldn't expect a sacrifice from the other.
True. Well kind of. He just says marriage does not mean anything to him really. So, is that a sacrifice than you may ask.
I am glad I am not in that position though
Why not be mediocre and be the best at it that you can be?
one time my first husband's grandmother clapped her hands (about babies) at us and said, "come on you two kids get busy." I divorced him.
lol I love how you told that story in such a way that it sounds like that's why you divorced him! (I know you really divorced him because he was a real creep, though.)
True. Well kind of. He just says marriage does not mean anything to him really. So, is that a sacrifice than you may ask.
I am glad I am not in that position though
Okay well then that's different. If he has no values to be against it, then he's just being lazy. I guess he should then man up. But then again maybe not. Could be a sign he's not completely there yet, y'know?
Well, my husband and I are exactly the same as we were before we were married. Our commitment didn't change, our relationship didn't change and we had already lived together for a couple of years.
But, here's the awesome thing about being married: I only made a few hundred bucks last year (working a temp holiday job) and we still got the full $1500 stimulus check. Boo-yah!
Well, my husband and I are exactly the same as we were before we were married. Our commitment didn't change, our relationship didn't change and we had already lived together for a couple of years.
But, here's the awesome thing about being married: I only made a few hundred bucks last year (working a temp holiday job) and we still got the full $1500 stimulus check. Boo-yah!
That did it for me. I'm off to vegas then in two hours. I gotta be around for that next stimulus check whenever that hits. I reeeeeeally wanna double mine.
My ideals are what I have to live with and are what stick inside my head for the rest of my life. It's what makes up who I am. That's what someone will fall in love with me for, and has before. Why make a change that will change the rest of your life if you're against it but it's okay because you're in love? Why gamble it? What if in ten years the people's personalities grow in completely different directions? What's the harm? If there's no harm, then what's up with all the crooked decisions based on a court decision when they split? I'd say that's a big harm. If someone wants to turn on you 10 years later, than can screw you over for life, emotionally, financially, mentally. It adds up more so. It can be like playing a lottery.
I'm asking more for benefits of it, not to say I have a commitment problem and if I love someone, then what's the harm? If that's all it is, is just, well what's the harm? Then it's not worth it to go through the troubles of planning everything.
I guess I can counter is that if you love the person its not always about you and your ideals. If you really love someone you put their happiness first.
What if you fall for someone who has traditional values? If you really loved the person but let them go because they want to get married then I find that really sad. Especially you're on the record as saying it doesn't really change or mean anything. Love doesn't come around to often so sometimes you have to compromise ideals to keep each other happy. That is part of being in a committed relationship.
If you find someone and they don't want to get married either then by all means don't get married. The only real benefits you lose by not getting married deal with tax breaks and who gets to make decisions for your estate if you suddenly pass on. But if you have kids out of wedlock it can get messy on getting child support and visitation rights etc if you were to break up.
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If you really love someone and want to be with them and want to have children with them, tell me what is the benefit of NOT getting married?
The only advantage I can see is the ease with which you can escape from the relationship. Is that really a positive way to maintain a relationship? To avoid setting up a situation where you'd actually have to keep a promise?
It like someone saying (without words) "I love you, but only until it becomes inconvenient to stay." How lovely. :rolleyes:
That did it for me. I'm off to vegas then in two hours. I gotta be around for that next stimulus check whenever that hits. I reeeeeeally wanna double mine.
If you really love someone and want to be with them and want to have children with them, tell me what is the benefit of NOT getting married?
The only advantage I can see is the ease with which you can escape from the relationship. Is that really a positive way to maintain a relationship? To avoid setting up a situation where you'd actually have to keep a promise?
It like someone saying (without words) "I love you, but only until it becomes inconvenient to stay." How lovely. :rolleyes:
I'm still going to agree with that one. Maybe this is just my insecurity but, no matter how much i trust someone, i'd feel more secure about the longevity and commitment of the other person if we were married. Spoken vows....they mean something more.
bugs in the way...I feel about you
"New music, new friends. Pearl Jam."
I like our socks. I hear we make a fine sock. I always say, You might not love our records, but I think you'll like our socks. - Stone
"This record is us speaking out in class." -EV on PJ
I completely understand where you're coming from. Congrats to you and yours as well for doing it right and being happy. It just seems to me these days that you and the likes of you seem to be more lottery winners than people who actually take the time to weed through it to make sure it's the right decision. That's why I was asking around. I'd like to hear from those who are happy and those who are unhappy and those that are like me. Just discuss where everyone comes from these days. It's seemed to just turn into a giant mess.
COOL COOL
and I never said I was 100% happy. The grass is always greener. My wife is a total pain in the ass. But we are committed to making a decent life for us and our kids.
I am getting married after being together for nearly 9 years. We have been living together for 8 years and are pretty darn sure we are the ones for eachother. I dont feel socially obliged, it is not because of the legal stuff, it is not because of kids.
It just feels great to celebrate our bond in this manner! I dont think just throwing a party would feel the same. Maybe for me it is a ritual that is happy and positive and strong. So much love going round from family and friends too...it just feels special.
And we have had loads of fun organizing stuff already. We are going to have an incredible week with friends and family.
It doesnt bring us closer together bc we couldnt be closer than we are already, but it just feels warm and fuzzy. I love to be his wife and he my man. Being family, sharing a name...all that.
It is not that I think this will protect our relationship forever, but it feels good right now. Very good
You could also ask yourself why NOT marry the one you love?
And if your partner wants to get married and you dont care about it, why not do it for the one you love and are sure you will always love anyways?
I have a friend who wants to get married, but her bf doesnt bc he doesnt believe in marriage. Well then, if you dont care about marriage but your partner does why not get married than? If you love the other, why not?
FANTASTIC post.
i also agree with all of Get_Right's posts as well.
I don't think that'd work though, cause then that's just endless circle of why not's.
There's less of a chance of harm by not getting married, so why doesn't she just not get married because that's his view?
I think that's just the lazy excuse. Of course there's gotta be more to it. Sometimes there's something where one person shouldn't expect a sacrifice from the other.
soooooooooo not true! i am currently watching my bro-in-law and his long time GF going thru the process of splitting, and actually, i think it's "harder" b/c they own soooo much together, but not married...so no real *set* way it must be done, etc...so he is tip-toeing around it, etc. it's really brutal.
with marriage...and divorce...there are legal*set* pluses and minuses to work out....and presubscribed things one can do to legally protect themselves, or not, etc.
as with most things.......why get married? b/c you WANT to. it's simply a CHOICE. it has as much *meaning* as one applies to it. if one doesn't have much belief in it, then i guess it won't mean much to them. for others, it means soooo much.
for me, celebrating 16 years of marriage next month, it means a LOT. a whole lot. for my husband as well. we have gone thru some serious trials and tribulations, as most long term couples do....married or not i guess......but for US, being married just seems to be a *stronger* bond. it's one of those things that to those who believe so, it *just is.*
i *believe* in marriage, always have...probably always will. to ME, it is the highest level of commitment 2 people can make to each other. i think of it as a completely mental/spiritual bond...and a legal one...and i LIKE that. i am not religious...but somehow, any religiousity (is that a word?) i may have...definitely applies to the bond of marriage. i like being married...and i think the bond of our marriage also solidifies and makes even stronger the bond of our relationship, period. how....it just does.
i am all for everyone making their own individual choices....and i fully appreciate people who do NOT want to marry, not want to have children (my husband and i are in that category) want to live their lives as they see fit. i am not saying marriage is *better*...except to say it is better for ME. i cannot imagine living with someone long-term w/o being married. i've never actually lived with anyone outside of marriage...it's simply not a choice i would make. both my sisters have, a few times each...both have since married...one multiple times ......so whateva!
another long-winded post brought to you by decides2dream.
as with most things.......why get married? b/c you WANT to. it's simply a CHOICE. it has as much *meaning* as one applies to it. if one doesn't have much belief in it, then i guess it won't mean much to them. for others, it means soooo much.
another long-winded post brought to you by decides2dream.
there..not so long winded
but that is really it....if marriage and/or family is for you great....but if 2 people live there entire lives together without marriage it doesn't make their relationship less than if they did marry
but that is really it....if marriage and/or family is for you great....but if 2 people live there entire lives together without marriage it doesn't make their relationship less than if they did marry
and as i said in my post... the part that you cut out ...never said it did. however, for ME...while it may not be 'less' i certainly want 'more'...to me....marriage is the MORE of a relationship. there is no *point* beyond the personal value one prescribes to it, or not. simple. find someone who feels the same as you do in regards to commitments...whether of the married kind or the unmarried. as far as partners go, if ya want one...finding one who shares the same ideals as you is always the way to go.
i DO find it interesting, all those who DO want the legal *perks* of marriage...but don't want to marry? to me, that is wanting all without making any of the commitment for the pitfalls if it dissolves. i've seen many *argue* the point...but to me, if you think you are making a *forever* commitment....and you WANT the legal benefits that comes with marriage...yea...i believe you need to take the leap, AND the risk (altho prenups ARE available to *protect* yourself if you want, so i don't get the issue?) of getting married to get the legal benefits. that's the way it goes in my mind. people can argue the point, but getting married is EASY, easier than getting a driver's license...and from a LEGAL sense, the whole POINT is all the protections/perks of it...so yea. don't want all that, fine....but i personally don'ty see why one should get it without marriage. it is ALSO why i think homosexual marriage should be a-ok everywhere! but that's just my little ole opinion.......so no need for anyone to be 'offended'...i ain't arguing.
Comments
Here's the thing though. I don't take it for granted, which is why I won't blindly walk into it, and at the same time, I wish everyone has the same right as hetero's.
I will fight for any and support any duo that feels they're ready to get married. They have that right. Especially in the United States with our insurance policies. The gays and lesbians are totally fucked with that one with not being able to support another with insurance if their significant other is unable to supply themselves with it.
Just because at this stage in my life I'm against myself getting married, I'm not against any other couple that feels they're ready to get married. I'm just asking what the benefits and reasons are to it these days...And I definitely understand the insurance idea.
and still jonesing for another show....
"the waiting drove me mad..."
That was a nice quick story to read. That was a good situational reason for the two of you as well. So congrats on that working out.
As far as the insurance plan, I guess I lucked out with that. Because the significant other thing worked for me. I had a girlfriend on my plan before and they accepted it as long as we had proof of residence for her. Her drivers license, and one bill was in her name, so we had the address proof, and they accepted it. But I know not very many people have that luxury at all.
I am getting married after being together for nearly 9 years. We have been living together for 8 years and are pretty darn sure we are the ones for eachother. I dont feel socially obliged, it is not because of the legal stuff, it is not because of kids.
It just feels great to celebrate our bond in this manner! I dont think just throwing a party would feel the same. Maybe for me it is a ritual that is happy and positive and strong. So much love going round from family and friends too...it just feels special.
And we have had loads of fun organizing stuff already. We are going to have an incredible week with friends and family.
It doesnt bring us closer together bc we couldnt be closer than we are already, but it just feels warm and fuzzy. I love to be his wife and he my man. Being family, sharing a name...all that.
It is not that I think this will protect our relationship forever, but it feels good right now. Very good
You could also ask yourself why NOT marry the one you love?
And if your partner wants to get married and you dont care about it, why not do it for the one you love and are sure you will always love anyways?
I have a friend who wants to get married, but her bf doesnt bc he doesnt believe in marriage. Well then, if you dont care about marriage but your partner does why not get married than? If you love the other, why not?
i don't talk in absolutes....since my early 20's i have not wanted to be in a relationship or marriage....might that attitude change? of course...
I don't think that'd work though, cause then that's just endless circle of why not's.
There's less of a chance of harm by not getting married, so why doesn't she just not get married because that's his view?
I think that's just the lazy excuse. Of course there's gotta be more to it. Sometimes there's something where one person shouldn't expect a sacrifice from the other.
and that is precisely what I mean by making the relationship stronger
what is five years old? nice attitude...:rolleyes:
....guess you're right then
Ugh. I can't imagine having that kind of pressure put on me. It's such a huge and personal decision!
I'm so glad I neutralized that potential situation with our families by just getting knocked up before our wedding!
True. Well kind of. He just says marriage does not mean anything to him really. So, is that a sacrifice than you may ask.
I am glad I am not in that position though
lol
Okay well then that's different. If he has no values to be against it, then he's just being lazy.
But, here's the awesome thing about being married: I only made a few hundred bucks last year (working a temp holiday job) and we still got the full $1500 stimulus check. Boo-yah!
That did it for me. I'm off to vegas then in two hours. I gotta be around for that next stimulus check whenever that hits. I reeeeeeally wanna double mine.
Congrats on the extra money though!
I guess I can counter is that if you love the person its not always about you and your ideals. If you really love someone you put their happiness first.
What if you fall for someone who has traditional values? If you really loved the person but let them go because they want to get married then I find that really sad. Especially you're on the record as saying it doesn't really change or mean anything. Love doesn't come around to often so sometimes you have to compromise ideals to keep each other happy. That is part of being in a committed relationship.
If you find someone and they don't want to get married either then by all means don't get married. The only real benefits you lose by not getting married deal with tax breaks and who gets to make decisions for your estate if you suddenly pass on. But if you have kids out of wedlock it can get messy on getting child support and visitation rights etc if you were to break up.
6/7/2003 (***1/2)
7/9/2006 (****1/2)
7/13/2006 (**** )
4/10/2008 EV Solo (****1/2)
6/25/2008 MSG II (*****)
10/1/2009 LA II (****)
10/6/2009 LA III (***** Cornell!!!)
The only advantage I can see is the ease with which you can escape from the relationship. Is that really a positive way to maintain a relationship? To avoid setting up a situation where you'd actually have to keep a promise?
It like someone saying (without words) "I love you, but only until it becomes inconvenient to stay." How lovely.
oh I just love the way you think!!! HYSTERICAL (and unfortunately true in many cases!)
lol, thanks. it was pretty sweet.
I'm still going to agree with that one. Maybe this is just my insecurity but, no matter how much i trust someone, i'd feel more secure about the longevity and commitment of the other person if we were married. Spoken vows....they mean something more.
"New music, new friends. Pearl Jam."
I like our socks. I hear we make a fine sock. I always say, You might not love our records, but I think you'll like our socks. - Stone
"This record is us speaking out in class." -EV on PJ
COOL COOL
and I never said I was 100% happy. The grass is always greener. My wife is a total pain in the ass. But we are committed to making a decent life for us and our kids.
Couldn't have said it better.
I myself would like to get married someday. Nothing wrong with being old fashion IMO.
FANTASTIC post.
i also agree with all of Get_Right's posts as well.
and this:
soooooooooo not true! i am currently watching my bro-in-law and his long time GF going thru the process of splitting, and actually, i think it's "harder" b/c they own soooo much together, but not married...so no real *set* way it must be done, etc...so he is tip-toeing around it, etc. it's really brutal.
with marriage...and divorce...there are legal*set* pluses and minuses to work out....and presubscribed things one can do to legally protect themselves, or not, etc.
as with most things.......why get married? b/c you WANT to. it's simply a CHOICE. it has as much *meaning* as one applies to it. if one doesn't have much belief in it, then i guess it won't mean much to them. for others, it means soooo much.
for me, celebrating 16 years of marriage next month, it means a LOT. a whole lot. for my husband as well. we have gone thru some serious trials and tribulations, as most long term couples do....married or not i guess......but for US, being married just seems to be a *stronger* bond. it's one of those things that to those who believe so, it *just is.*
i *believe* in marriage, always have...probably always will. to ME, it is the highest level of commitment 2 people can make to each other. i think of it as a completely mental/spiritual bond...and a legal one...and i LIKE that. i am not religious...but somehow, any religiousity (is that a word?) i may have...definitely applies to the bond of marriage. i like being married...and i think the bond of our marriage also solidifies and makes even stronger the bond of our relationship, period. how....it just does.
i am all for everyone making their own individual choices....and i fully appreciate people who do NOT want to marry, not want to have children (my husband and i are in that category) want to live their lives as they see fit. i am not saying marriage is *better*...except to say it is better for ME. i cannot imagine living with someone long-term w/o being married. i've never actually lived with anyone outside of marriage...it's simply not a choice i would make. both my sisters have, a few times each...both have since married...one multiple times
another long-winded post brought to you by decides2dream.
Let's just breathe...
I am myself like you somehow
there..not so long winded
but that is really it....if marriage and/or family is for you great....but if 2 people live there entire lives together without marriage it doesn't make their relationship less than if they did marry
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
finally someone with some sense
Marriage is a Holy Union between two people
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INCUBUS~Denver, CO. 2~8~07
Lollapalooza~Chicago, IL. 8~5~07
INCUBUS~Austin, TX. 9~3~07
Bonnaroo~Manchester, TN 6~14~08
and as i said in my post... the part that you cut out
i DO find it interesting, all those who DO want the legal *perks* of marriage...but don't want to marry? to me, that is wanting all without making any of the commitment for the pitfalls if it dissolves. i've seen many *argue* the point...but to me, if you think you are making a *forever* commitment....and you WANT the legal benefits that comes with marriage...yea...i believe you need to take the leap, AND the risk (altho prenups ARE available to *protect* yourself if you want, so i don't get the issue?) of getting married to get the legal benefits. that's the way it goes in my mind. people can argue the point, but getting married is EASY, easier than getting a driver's license...and from a LEGAL sense, the whole POINT is all the protections/perks of it...so yea. don't want all that, fine....but i personally don'ty see why one should get it without marriage. it is ALSO why i think homosexual marriage should be a-ok everywhere! but that's just my little ole opinion.......so no need for anyone to be 'offended'...i ain't arguing.
Let's just breathe...
I am myself like you somehow