My Grandmother's Funeral

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i'm sorry about your loss and i can TOTALLY relate to what you are saying.

my dad died just before Easter last year so his service was on Easter Saturday. We're out at the cemetery before the actual memorial service for the committal service and the damn pastor is going on and on about how thousands of years ago Jesus died and rose again three days later.

uhmm...nice one jackass...you're standing beside my dad's casket talking about people coming back from the dead when we all full well know that my dad's NOT coming back. his whole supposed "10 minute" committal turned into 20 minutes of him pissing me off. i tried to keep from choking him because he's my mom's friend and she's uber religious and i know it was comforting for her.

i thought surely his sermon at the actual service won't be so preachy...

...i was so wrong. it was all fire, brimstone and save yourself now lest ye perish in hell.

it's not what my dad wanted. it's not what most of us wanted. it was for mom and her alone, that we went along with it.

i'm still angry.

when i die i want none of it...no preaching...no hymns...

Vedderlution_Baby

same thing just happened at my great grandmother's funeral. Man, the preacher was really pulling out the guilt card.

"This women, she prayed that her family would find jesus. will she be let down?"

"If you've been saved...raise your hand"


I mean, she was religious and i didnt care really, just thought it was weird. Oh, and most of my family was joking about it afterwards....but we we're joking around the whole day. Guess that kinda gives you a look into the family personality.



I'm going to have my coffin set up with speakers that blast out "Highway to Hell". You're all invited because I know you're curious to see who THAT'S going to go down.

bigmuzz

my "grand aunty" (or whatever you call it; my Nan's sister...) died last year, and she didnt want any religion at all at her funeral, so she didnt have it. people just talked about her happy times (she died of cancer)....

and at the end, she went out to "Nutbush"............and everybody was encouraged to get up and dance out of the hall.

it was a bit strange but it did lighten things up a bit, and its what she wanted.

Jeanie

Ryan, I understand this must have been really difficult.

Some religious leaders find it extremely difficult to pass up an opportunity to try to convert, or preach.

When my great aunt died, the whole service was hijacked by the preacher, who also seemed to have a lot of trouble remembering her bloody name!

I found it offensive in the extreme.

When my grandad died I was adament that no religion be bought into the ceremony. He was not a religious man and had made his wishes very clear to me over his life. So I did my utmost to accomodate that and I think we managed it admirably. If your grandmother was a religious woman then I guess you need to expect religion at the ceremony, but it is not a time for sermons. I don't think there is anything wrong with quietly removing yourself from the service if you are offended by this.

It is a time for celebrating the life of a person, of offering comfort to those left behind and of farewelling someone with love and dignity.
To use the opportunity for personal gain is poor form by some in my opinion.

is it just my way

I can understand the religious aspect of a funeral for a religious person. Over the past 12 years 14 family members have died and only 2 have not had a church service, my cousin and uncle were both cremated and both had their service conducted by a family friend who happened to be a former Salvation Army Officer. The ceremonies were lovely and still provided hope, and the feeling of our lost loved ones being at peace (cousin committed suicide and uncle died of cancer) .

The other's were all in churches and still unlike you we were not given sermon's about fire and brimstone and the likes, what a shame they seem to be handled like that in some places, it most certainly turns people off, however when funerals are done in a non preachy way it can often be the starting of people questioning their own lives and mortality and therefore opening up new ways of thinking.

Perhaps its the kind of churches your families belong to, i certainly know that i have been lucky to have been raised in a non hell fire and brimstone kind of environment especially considering i have a very religious family. I am proud of my mother and her Christianity and i have left my funeral plans all up to her and trust that she will give me a great send off when its my time ( she also knows that some pearl jam must be included and she has a list of 5 songs to chose from for me:D )

Jeanwah

hippiemom wrote:

Do NOT put your funeral instructions in a will. Formal will readings are typically not held until after the funeral. The best way to see to it that your wishes are carried out is a pre-paid burial or cremation. You meet with the funeral director and choose everything, pay for it up front, and make sure your closest relations have copies of the paperwork. It takes an enormous amount of stress off of your family and guarantees that things will be done in exactly as you wanted. It's also a good protection against cost increases if you're not planning to die any time soon.

Wow, I had no idea. Well, since for the meantime I'm still young, I'll just tell my family and husband my wishes. Then later on, I may do something about paying for it.

PaperPlates wrote:

What may I ask, is a green burial?

http://www.greenburials.org/
I don't feel that littering the Earth with a wooden box is feasible since I'm pro-environment. Plus, I've always wanted to be one with Nature.

Matt8townsend

If you don't want a religious service you can just make sure people who know you know you'd prefer a humanist ceremony.

My brother in law died in an accident last year and he was an athiest so we held a humanist ceremony. Rather than hymns it was interspersed with a few songs my sister chose. And rather than a priest reading sermons both me and my nephew (his son) read out pieces we'd written about him. Far more personal than some vicar who never knew him.
A few weeks ago I was at my Nan's funeal and the vicar talked about Jesus for half an hour and then when he did try and say something about my Nan he kept mispronouncing her name. Kinda bizarre to have a room full of her family and friends and the one person speaking is the only one there who never knew her. But then she would have wanted a Christian service and that's the most important thing.

Anyway, my condolencies for your Gran.

dunkman

Matt8townsend wrote:

If you don't want a religious service you can just make sure people who know you know you'd prefer a humanist ceremony.

My brother in law died in an accident last year and he was an athiest so we held a humanist ceremony. Rather than hymns it was interspersed with a few songs my sister chose. And rather than a priest reading sermons both me and my nephew (his son) read out pieces we'd written about him. Far more personal than some vicar who never knew him.
A few weeks ago I was at my Nan's funeal and the vicar talked about Jesus for half an hour and then when he did try and say something about my Nan he kept mispronouncing her name. Kinda bizarre to have a room full of her family and friends and the one person speaking is the only one there who never knew her. But then she would have wanted a Christian service and that's the most important thing.

well said... this is the thing that gets me about funerals... some guy in robes talking about MY family who he never knew.. no chance

if any of my family go before me, as eldest son, father and husband, then i'll be the one making the decisions (unless they have expressed otherwise) and one of them will be no priest talking shite about my mum or my dad or anyone else for that matter

know1

Shouldn't the presence or lack of a priest be up to the wishes of the deceased? How petty to complain that YOU don't like what they wanted as a memorial. Sheesh!

Jeanie

know1 wrote:

Shouldn't the presence or lack of a priest be up to the wishes of the deceased? How petty to complain that YOU don't like what they wanted as a memorial. Sheesh!

Didn't see anybody saying it wasn't. But it's ok for you to complain about people "complaining"?

soulsinging

Ahnimus wrote:

So, during my Grandmother's funeral the priest? asked everyone to pray. I could see all but two heads go down, mine and my Dad's GF, she is an atheist as well. Following the prayer the priest? repeated several times passages from the Bible about life after death. But he didn't seem to be trying to convince any of us that Grandma is in heaven, rather he seemed to be trying to convince us that if we accept Jesus as our savior we will also go to Heaven.

First, I think most of the people there, except the two that didn't pray have accepted Jesus as their savior. Secondly, it doesn't matter how many times you read Bible passages to me, I'm not going to buy it and neither is my Dad's GF.

Why can't funerals be priestless? Why they got to talk religion at a funeral? The last one I went to was a young girl I knew that committed suicide. The priest kept talking about suicide being the one unforgivable sin and basically said the girl was going to hell. When I die, there better not be a priest there or I come back from the dead to kick his ass!

probably becos your grandma is christian and wanted a christian burial and her dying wishes supercede your philosophical ego.

Jeanie

soulsinging wrote:

probably becos your grandma is christian and wanted a christian burial and her dying wishes supercede your philosophical ego.

I don't think Ahnimus is trying to supercede his Grandma's dying wishes or be disrespectful to her at all, my understanding is that he takes issue with the priest trying to use the funeral as an opportunity to sermonize to those who do not share his religious conviction. Unfortunately that seems, judging from other posts on this thread, to be an all too common theme. And it is inappropriate. A funeral is about the deceased. Celebrating their life, respectfully sending them off with all the religious ceremony that they would want. I don't see touting for new business at a funeral to be one of the necissities of this act.

onelongsong

Ahnimus wrote:

So, during my Grandmother's funeral the priest? asked everyone to pray. I could see all but two heads go down, mine and my Dad's GF, she is an atheist as well. Following the prayer the priest? repeated several times passages from the Bible about life after death. But he didn't seem to be trying to convince any of us that Grandma is in heaven, rather he seemed to be trying to convince us that if we accept Jesus as our savior we will also go to Heaven.

First, I think most of the people there, except the two that didn't pray have accepted Jesus as their savior. Secondly, it doesn't matter how many times you read Bible passages to me, I'm not going to buy it and neither is my Dad's GF.

Why can't funerals be priestless? Why they got to talk religion at a funeral? The last one I went to was a young girl I knew that committed suicide. The priest kept talking about suicide being the one unforgivable sin and basically said the girl was going to hell. When I die, there better not be a priest there or I come back from the dead to kick his ass!

funerals are as you or whoever; arrainge them. my best friend had is mother creamated and had a yard party; then spread her ashes at the spot where she sat and fished for the last 20 some years. if there was a priest; someone requested it.
secondly; why would it be wrong to pray for your grandmother? if she was an athiest; it means she didn't understand. why can't people pray that she receives enlightenment?
it sounds to me like you weren't there for your grandmother. if you were; the way others showed respect for her wouldn't bother you.

onelongsong

Jeanie wrote:

I don't think Ahnimus is trying to supercede his Grandma's dying wishes or be disrespectful to her at all, my understanding is that he takes issue with the priest trying to use the funeral as an opportunity to sermonize to those who do not share his religious conviction. Unfortunately that seems, judging from other posts on this thread, to be an all too common theme. And it is inappropriate. A funeral is about the deceased. Celebrating their life, respectfully sending them off with all the religious ceremony that they would want. I don't see touting for new business at a funeral to be one of the necissities of this act.

but ahnimus is preaching athiesm here. so where's the difference? he is preaching athiesm just as the priest sermonized his own religion.

Jeanie

onelongsong wrote:

but ahnimus is preaching athiesm here. so where's the difference? he is preaching athiesm just as the priest sermonized his own religion.

He's not preaching athiesm. He is an athiest. He didn't stand up here or at his grandmother's funeral and say I don't believe in god therefore you should be quiet. He didn't make a long speech negating god. He didn't argue with the priest or make a scene. He sat quietly with his head unbowed, because he is an athiest, and he waited for the man entrusted with the burial of his grandmother to stop talking about things he didn't think were appropriate. He simply asked, here on the thread, why was it necessary for the priest to say some of the things he said at the funeral? And how is Ahnimus posting a thread about his view after the fact sermonizing? I have to agree with him.
Why is it necessary?

onelongsong

Jeanie wrote:

He's not preaching athiesm. He is an athiest. He didn't stand up here or at his grandmother's funeral and say I don't believe in god therefore you should be quiet. He didn't make a long speech negating god. He didn't argue with the priest or make a scene. He sat quietly with his head unbowed, because he is an athiest, and he waited for the man entrusted with the burial of his grandmother to stop talking about things he didn't think were appropriate. He simply asked, here on the thread, why was it necessary for the priest to say some of the things he said at the funeral? And how is Ahnimus posting a thread about his view after the fact sermonizing? I have to agree with him.
Why is it necessary?

first; a priest reads from a pre-designated funeral ceremony. it can be varied like marriage ceremonies often have the couple presenting their own vows. but the basic ceremony stays the same.
secondly; if you go into a church or chapel or attend any religious ceremony; you've got to expect to be preached to.
a distance part of my family is greek orthodox. when i attended their funerals i sat; stood; read from their books; and did everything as if that had been my religion all my life. why? because that's what aunt sophie believed and by showing the utmost respect in what she believed; i honored her in a deep and personal way. since then; whenever i attend a wedding or funeral; baptism; etc; i participate in honor of the person i'm there for.
if my grandmother wanted a big church funeral with all the bells and whistles; i would've done everything to make it the best she would have wanted. i could put my own beliefs aside for a few hours to do something for her.

angelica

onelongsong wrote:

when i attended their funerals i sat; stood; read from their books; and did everything as if that had been my religion all my life. why? because that's what aunt sophie believed and by showing the utmost respect in what she believed; i honored her in a deep and personal way. since then; whenever i attend a wedding or funeral; baptism; etc; i participate in honor of the person i'm there for.
if my grandmother wanted a big church funeral with all the bells and whistles; i would've done everything to make it the best she would have wanted. i could put my own beliefs aside for a few hours to do something for her.

This is how I personally feel. I do not attend church for myself, but when I am attending an occasion in honour of another, I can accept that my beliefs are different, while also respecting their beliefs and ceremonies. The conflict does not exist for me.

Ahnimus

Personally, I do not think my grandmother would have wanted for a priest to direct comments at atheists. Her wishes would have been a celebration honoring her life. These passages and words spoken by the priest do not reflect my grandmother at all, they may be her beliefs but saying them has no bearing on her life. She certainly wouldn't have complained and I can't blame anyone for it. But to me, the funeral is about honoring their life, set the preaching aside and say something about her. He wasn't telling me my grandmother is heaven, even if he were, I won't believe it and no amount of reading mutilated texts transcribed from ancient stone tablets is going to make me believe she is. But, he kept droning on about accepting Jesus Christ as our savior to grant us eternal life and blah blah blah.

Thankfully, he only spoke half the time. My family spoke some words that reflected the way my grandmother truly was. She was not a preacher, not the type to convince others of her religious beliefs and her only wish for her funeral was that we smile and celebrate her life.

Here is a poem that was found with my grandmother when she passed.

Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.

Mary Frye (1932)

onelongsong

angelica wrote:

This is how I personally feel. I do not attend church for myself, but when I am attending an occasion in honour of another, I can accept that my beliefs are different, while also respecting their beliefs and ceremonies. The conflict does not exist for me.

i expect the "pep talk" and "converting" speech almost like going to a time share. a priest or PREACHER's job is to preach. their job is to convert or recruit. let the man do his job and be there for who you're there for.
you can't worry about being a hipocrate. an athiest going to any religious ceremony is hipocracy in the highest form.

Ahnimus

onelongsong wrote:

i expect the "pep talk" and "converting" speech almost like going to a time share. a priest or PREACHER's job is to preach. their job is to convert or recruit. let the man do his job and be there for who you're there for.
you can't worry about being a hipocrate. an athiest going to any religious ceremony is hipocracy in the highest form.

What about... "This person comitted suicide which is the one unforgivable sin so they are doomed to hell for eternity."

Shouldn't that kind of preaching be left out. Then if that's true, why not all preaching?