Australia and NZ tour rumours going around Part 2 (No Bullshit)

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  • ozsmalltowngirl
    ozsmalltowngirl Posts: 14,362
    illegal_pants wrote:
    forum time is racing ahead.. now 14/15 mins?
    still only 10 minutes ahead for me.
  • Oz Jammer
    Oz Jammer Posts: 9,858
    illegal_pants wrote:
    forum time is racing ahead.. now 14/15 mins?


    Still the same for me
  • Oz Jammer
    Oz Jammer Posts: 9,858
    Following questions and answers were collated from last year's English GCSEs. (16 year olds)

    Science

    Q : Name the four seasons.
    A : Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
    Q : Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
    A : Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
    Q : How is dew formed?
    A : The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
    Q : What is a planet?
    A : A body of earth surrounded by sky.
    Q : What causes the tides in the oceans?
    A : The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

    Sociology

    Q : What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
    A : If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
    Q : In a democratic society, how important are elections?
    A : Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
    Q : What are steroids?
    A : Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

    Biology

    Q : What happens to your body as you age?
    A : When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
    Q : What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
    A : He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
    Q : Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
    A : Premature death.
    Q : What is artificial insemination?
    A : When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
    Q : How can you delay milk turning sour?
    A : Keep it in the cow.
    Q : How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen.)
    A : The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.
    Q : What is the Fibula?
    A : A small lie.
    Q : What does "varicose" mean?
    A : Nearby.
    Q : What is the most common form of birth control?
    A : Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
    Q : Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
    A : The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
    Q : What is a seizure?
    A : A Roman emperor.
    Q : What is a terminal illness?
    A : When you are sick at the airport
    Q : Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
    A : Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

    English

    Q : Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
    A : Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
    Q : What does the word "benign" mean?
    A : Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

    Technology

    Q : What is a turbine?
    A : Something an Arab wears on his head.
  • illegal pants
    illegal pants Posts: 13,471
    Oz Jammer wrote:
    Q : What does the word "benign" mean?
    A : Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

    :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek:
    wah
  • Samule
    Samule Posts: 3,231
    hahaha those jokes a brilliant.
  • Oz Jammer
    Oz Jammer Posts: 9,858
    Final one but it's a corker :D

    At the Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

    They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"

    All of a sudden the lady stripped off her and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat! When he finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

    They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He asked the lady, "Up or Down?" There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.

    This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day She said yes, and here they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in the river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or Down?" The woman replied, "Down."

    A little puzzled, the gentleman drove the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or Down ? "She replied "Up."

    This really confused the gentleman, so he asked, "What's the deal ? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down, you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing !"

    She replied, "Well yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were "FUCK or DROWN"
  • ozsmalltowngirl
    ozsmalltowngirl Posts: 14,362
    LMAO!!! I love those e-mails with the funny exam answers on them :D
  • ozsmalltowngirl
    ozsmalltowngirl Posts: 14,362
    Lol!! :D old people are funny.
  • Samule
    Samule Posts: 3,231
    haha, i'm out and off to bed night, night everyone.
  • threefish10
    threefish10 Posts: 7,392
    Oz Jammer wrote:
    It was the 3rd time I'd seen that picture and had only just realised that the MR logo was on the reel of tape. Wish I could tell the man, he'd be stoked, but he went away on holiday with his family today and won't be back till next Wednesday


    it was the 1st thing i noticed when i saw the picture, i thought you woulda seen it, i woulda pointed it out ages ago.
    condescending and sarcastic since 1980
  • ozsmalltowngirl
    ozsmalltowngirl Posts: 14,362
    OK....I've deleted most of my e-mails and this was the only good joke one I had left. :D


    When in New York, Kevin Rudd would always visit his favourite strip joint. (He said it helped him forget things.)

    But, every time he walked in, one of the girls would call out "Two hundred bucks, and I'm yours!"

    "Five bucks!" Rudd would fire back, just to shut her up.

    Over the years this exchange between him and the same girl became a bit of a ritual. She'd yell "Two hundred bucks!" and he'd fire back "Five bucks!"

    Then, on one recent visit to New York, Julia Gillard accompanied Rudd to his favourite strip joint.

    As they approached the place, Rudd braced himself for "the usual offer" -- Julia would obviously wonder what it was all about. He figured he'd better have a darn good explanation for her.

    As he and Julia walked in, Rudd tried very hard to avoid the dancer's eyes. But -- sure enough -- as they entered, the girl yelled out.

    "See! That's what you get for five bucks!"
  • threefish10
    threefish10 Posts: 7,392
    Kylwii


    more Will Ferrell funnies


    http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/24dd4a855d
    condescending and sarcastic since 1980
  • ozsmalltowngirl
    ozsmalltowngirl Posts: 14,362
    threefish10 wrote:
    Kylwii


    more Will Ferrell funnies


    http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/24dd4a855d

    LOL!! Excellent :D Thank goodness there weren't any Ho's or Horses this time :eek:

    LMFAO!!!
  • ozsmalltowngirl
    ozsmalltowngirl Posts: 14,362
    I was watching a new one on there the other day....can't remember what it was called.....something bout this fast singing guy??? It was stupid - this guy that does gigs singing hit songs really fast....anyway, the first song was 'Daughter' :eek:
  • threefish10
    threefish10 Posts: 7,392
    ozsmalltowngirl wrote:
    LOL!! Excellent :D Thank goodness there weren't any Ho's or Horses this time :eek:

    LMFAO!!!


    but there is nothing better then a ho and a horse, especially when the ho manages to take the full length of the horse's di......wait that's the other video website i look at.
    condescending and sarcastic since 1980
  • ozsmalltowngirl
    ozsmalltowngirl Posts: 14,362
    threefish10 wrote:
    but there is nothing better then a ho and a horse, especially when the ho manages to take the full length of the horse's di......wait that's the other video website i look at.
    Ewwwwww :( nothing good about a chick that has room for that :s :eek:
  • vital5
    vital5 Posts: 5,486
    illegal_pants wrote:
    :eek: hahaaa that one's oooooooold :D

    VITABRITS :mad:
    haha what? it wasn't me!
  • «¤tîg®ê§§¤»
    «¤tîg®ê§§¤» Posts: 5,137
    usual Wednesday night conversation i see :p
    he who forgets will be destined to remember
  • threefish10
    threefish10 Posts: 7,392
    «¤tîg®ê§§¤» wrote:
    usual Wednesday night conversation i see :p


    of course when there is mention of horse sex you would show up.
    condescending and sarcastic since 1980
  • «¤tîg®ê§§¤»
    «¤tîg®ê§§¤» Posts: 5,137
    threefish10 wrote:
    of course when there is mention of horse sex you would show up.

    i just so happened to be watching telly, i felt an itch in my back right tether, gave it a little kick and a swoop with my tail, whinnied and here I am :D:D
    he who forgets will be destined to remember
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