Assholes: A Theory

Pap

Hugh Freaking Dillon wrote:

I was once in line at a drive through at Tim Horton's (Canada's Dunkin Donuts), and the guy in front of me, before he ordered, tried to toss some of his truck trash into the bin, and it missed and went all over the ground. He just looked at it. He then continued to order and drive on up.

I got out of my car, picked up all his trash, and put it in the bin, shotting him the stink eye the entire time. I get to the drive through window to get my order and pay, and the girl said "yours is paid for, the guy in front of you said he'd buy whatever you ordered, he said you picked up all his garbage?".

That's how you deal with an asshole.

:thumbup: Bravo!

hedonist

Hugh Freaking Dillon wrote:

hedonist wrote:

If I'm in the right kind of mood (and depending on the offender - too many incidents of road rage here), I'll pull up next to the litterer and give them a dirty look, maybe say something too

I was once in line at a drive through at Tim Horton's (Canada's Dunkin Donuts), and the guy in front of me, before he ordered, tried to toss some of his truck trash into the bin, and it missed and went all over the ground. He just looked at it. He then continued to order and drive on up.

I got out of my car, picked up all his trash, and put it in the bin, shotting him the stink eye the entire time. I get to the drive through window to get my order and pay, and the girl said "yours is paid for, the guy in front of you said he'd buy whatever you ordered, he said you picked up all his garbage?".

That's how you deal with an asshole.

Well done! Nice to know too that he recognized his asshole-ness, albeit after the fact.

Byrnzie

Bump

Thirty Bills Unpaid

Thanks for digging this one up!

I'll re-read and have a new asshole report for review tomorrow. Especially if I come across a Category 3!

Maybe Prince will resurrect himself with this one?

Byrnzie

Thirty Bills Unpaid wrote:

This thread needs to be on the 1st page.

We need to hear more of Byrnzie's encounters with assholes.

Here's one from about 5 years ago, just after I'd arrived in China: I was in a shop, and about to hand my money to the cashier to pay for something, when a woman reached across from behind me and plonked her thing (I think it was a bottle of shampoo) on the counter, trying to push in ahead of me. The girl behind the counter was about to pick this woman's thing up and scan it, and I thought 'Fuck that!' and grabbed hold of it and chucked it over my shoulder across the shop. The woman next to me and her friend then started making a lot of noise - in Chinese - and I simply turned to her and said quite calmly "Timbudong!" (Timbudong means "I don't understand"). I then paid for my thing and left.

That woman was an asshole.

your move now

.

Thirty Bills Unpaid

push me and i will resist wrote:

My point is, Monty, and I'm not being rude to you personally. I will eat and fart wherever the fuck I please, if the people surrounding me don't enjoy my eating and farting then I don't know what to say. I guess I would say, sorry I'm hungry, then I'd Blame the person beside me for farting, hopefully that person is a chick because its always funny when a chick farts in public, especially if she's hot and the fart stinks haha.

This is a fine line one walks.

A serious player of the fart game? Or a Category 2 Asshole?

Category 2 Asshole 'The Rude Asshole'
Description: These assholes are aware of the impact of their behaviour on other people, however they could care less as long as the behaviour is one that serves them some form of satisfaction.

By taking responsibility for the smelly food saying, "Sorry I'm hungry"... and blaming the person beside him for the flatulent... I'd be inclined to think Push Me would be a fart game player and hence, not a Category 2 Asshole.

I'm okay with a fart here and a fart there, but when some chubby guy with bad dance moves farts his ass off in front of my wife and I at the Tragically Hip... I want to take my right foot and deliver a swift upwards blow with it into his ass- ever so slightly grazing the testes with my toes as I do so. Geez, man. Go have a poo.

hedonist

I really detest the Cat. 2 Asshole - prevalent in this (ironically named) City of Angels.

Last week I was behind a car waiting for the left-turn signal. Green arrow comes up, car in front of me doesn't move. I tap the horn - he rolls up a foot or two but HAS to continue to look at the "artwork" on the median next to us.

The light lasts for just a few seconds and if you miss it, gotta sit through the whole damn light rotation. So fuck it, I lean on the horn.

Asshole gives ME the finger and runs the arrow as it turns red.

Sometimes I'd love to go all Falling Down on these pricks.

Thirty Bills Unpaid

hedonist wrote:

I really detest the Cat. 2 Asshole - prevalent in this (ironically named) City of Angels.

Last week I was behind a car waiting for the left-turn signal. Green arrow comes up, car in front of me doesn't move. I tap the horn - he rolls up a foot or two but HAS to continue to look at the "artwork" on the median next to us.

The light lasts for just a few seconds and if you miss it, gotta sit through the whole damn light rotation. So fuck it, I lean on the horn.

Asshole gives ME the finger and runs the arrow as it turns red.

Sometimes I'd love to go all Falling Down on these pricks.

Don't be too quick to judge this person as a Category 2, Hedonist.

Very easily, such a person could be a Cat 3 'Pompous Asshole' (assholes that possess some or all the qualities present in Category 2 assholes, however there are definite signs of intelligence in the Category 3 Asshole. Capable of intelligent thought, they tend to think that others are not on the same level as them).

Going at their pace, in a really fancy car, with little regard for anyone else can be an indicator that you were dealing with a Cat 3 Asshole.

Then again... was the car a piece of shit? Maybe it was a Category 1 Simple Asshole? (essentially stupid, these assholes would be the most common asshole. Their behaviour manifests itself in such a way that would reflect very little awareness for those around them. For example, they might be found texting at a green light- unaware that the light has turned from red to green).

The car may or may not provide insight as to what type of asshole was in front of you, but it should be noted that 78% of Category 1 Assholes drive piece of shit cars. Such stats can be helpful- especially when considering how to best deal with the asshole.

Source: www.assholesamongus.org

hedonist

Thirty Bills Unpaid wrote:

Don't be too quick to judge this person as a Category 2, Hedonist.

Very easily, such a person could be a Cat 3 'Pompous Asshole' (assholes that possess some or all the qualities present in Category 2 assholes, however there are definite signs of intelligence in the Category 3 Asshole. Capable of intelligent thought, they tend to think that others are not on the same level as them).

Going at their pace, in a really fancy car, with little regard for anyone else can be an indicator that you were dealing with a Cat 3 Asshole.

Then again... was the car a piece of shit? Maybe it was a Category 1 Simple Asshole? (essentially stupid, these assholes would be the most common asshole. Their behaviour manifests itself in such a way that would reflect very little awareness for those around them. For example, they might be found texting at a green light- unaware that the light has turned from red to green).

The car may or may not provide insight as to what type of asshole was in front of you, but it should be noted that 78% of Category 1 Assholes drive piece of shit cars. Such stats can be helpful- especially when considering how to best deal with the asshole.

Source: http://www.assholesamongus.org

Gah! He WAS a Cat 1 SA. Older mini-van - which is fine, takes all kinds - but the shittiness of it was proportionate to his reaction (or vice versa). The texting dipshits in nicer cars out here are definitely Cat 3's.

(loving this lingo :P )

Thirty Bills Unpaid

hedonist wrote:

Thirty Bills Unpaid wrote:

Don't be too quick to judge this person as a Category 2, Hedonist.

Very easily, such a person could be a Cat 3 'Pompous Asshole' (assholes that possess some or all the qualities present in Category 2 assholes, however there are definite signs of intelligence in the Category 3 Asshole. Capable of intelligent thought, they tend to think that others are not on the same level as them).

Going at their pace, in a really fancy car, with little regard for anyone else can be an indicator that you were dealing with a Cat 3 Asshole.

Then again... was the car a piece of shit? Maybe it was a Category 1 Simple Asshole? (essentially stupid, these assholes would be the most common asshole. Their behaviour manifests itself in such a way that would reflect very little awareness for those around them. For example, they might be found texting at a green light- unaware that the light has turned from red to green).

The car may or may not provide insight as to what type of asshole was in front of you, but it should be noted that 78% of Category 1 Assholes drive piece of shit cars. Such stats can be helpful- especially when considering how to best deal with the asshole.

Source: http://www.assholesamongus.org

Gah! He WAS a Cat 1 SA. Older mini-van - which is fine, takes all kinds - but the shittiness of it was proportionate to his reaction (or vice versa). The texting dipshits in nicer cars out here are definitely Cat 3's.

(loving this lingo :P )

Thirty Bills Unpaid

Attending concerts... one is immersed among assholes.

From one of the very first experiences attending a concert- trying to attain one of the limited edition concert posters- one comes across assholes from all categories. The one in particular that irritates the hell out of me is the Category 3 that you make the mistake of getting behind in the merch mob. After you finally get a sniff of the counter... you sit there and have to watch the poster stack dwindle down as the Category 3 Asshole hums and haws about whether or not to go with option #6 t-shirt or option #11 t-shirt. She will text images to her friends- awaiting their opinion and she will engage the seemingly eager merch person in meaningless dialogue before she finally decides to go with option #4.

After selecting option #4... then the Category 3 asshole will deliberate between a large size or an XL size. Trying both on and texting the 'look' to her friends... she will await a response before deciding to purchase.

Things don't end as she is advised to get the XXL. The Cat 3 asshole then loudly provides a play-by-play as she fumbles with the debit machine: usually forgetting her password twice... sometimes getting declined- to which the Cat 3 will cuss at the machine, the merch worker, and the bank as she fumbles through her purse diggin for another card (starting the entire process again!).

Right around this time, the stack of posters has dwindled to a slim thickness and one begins to do a head count, estimated time of arriving at service, and an approximation of the remaining stock. This is about the time when frustration can rear its head and... if patience is worn and liquor is present... comments may begin. Remember... for effectively dealing with a Category 3 Asshole... one is highly advised to ignore at all costs. The consequences of not doing so can be drastic.

It should be noted that the moment I discover I have gotten myself stuck behind a Cat 3... I try and act as if I have been bumped into the next stream that leads to another spot at the counter. There are times when this subtle maneuver will pay off for a guy... but sometimes the herd is thick and the opportunity will not prevent itself without becoming a Cat 3 myself.

brianlux

Why all the fuss about assholes? They serve a useful purpose. Now hemorrhoids- there's something to get knotted up about. Pain...in...the...ass!

Pap

brianlux wrote:

Why all the fuss about assholes? They serve a useful purpose. Now hemorrhoids- there's something to get knotted up about. Pain...in...the...ass!

JBii

"Saying someone is ugly doesn’t make you any prettier." - Unknown

chadwick

Thirty Bills Unpaid wrote:

Attending concerts... one is immersed among assholes.

From one of the very first experiences attending a concert- trying to attain one of the limited edition concert posters- one comes across assholes from all categories. The one in particular that irritates the hell out of me is the Category 3 that you make the mistake of getting behind in the merch mob. After you finally get a sniff of the counter... you sit there and have to watch the poster stack dwindle down as the Category 3 Asshole hums and haws about whether or not to go with option #6 t-shirt or option #11 t-shirt. She will text images to her friends- awaiting their opinion and she will engage the seemingly eager merch person in meaningless dialogue before she finally decides to go with option #4.

After selecting option #4... then the Category 3 asshole will deliberate between a large size or an XL size. Trying both on and texting the 'look' to her friends... she will await a response before deciding to purchase.

Things don't end as she is advised to get the XXL. The Cat 3 asshole then loudly provides a play-by-play as she fumbles with the debit machine: usually forgetting her password twice... sometimes getting declined- to which the Cat 3 will cuss at the machine, the merch worker, and the bank as she fumbles through her purse diggin for another card (starting the entire process again!).

Right around this time, the stack of posters has dwindled to a slim thickness and one begins to do a head count, estimated time of arriving at service, and an approximation of the remaining stock. This is about the time when frustration can rear its head and... if patience is worn and liquor is present... comments may begin. Remember... for effectively dealing with a Category 3 Asshole... one is highly advised to ignore at all costs. The consequences of not doing so can be drastic.

It should be noted that the moment I discover I have gotten myself stuck behind a Cat 3... I try and act as if I have been bumped into the next stream that leads to another spot at the counter. There are times when this subtle maneuver will pay off for a guy... but sometimes the herd is thick and the opportunity will not prevent itself without becoming a Cat 3 myself.

good story & writing. this example of assholes made me feel terrible for common sense carrying people. this short description of concert going actually had suicidal thoughts flashing in my head as being one of the herd is a ...........

fuck.

some times why can't a guy slap the fuck out of someone? im not saying lay hands on a woman. no.

but one should be fully able to say, "look, you're a fucking dumb fucking prick, now get your fucking shit & move on" & "texting your dumb ass friends is bullshit in this merchandise purchasing line with 900 fuckers behind you, you fucking no brain having piece of "

Moonpig

Byrnzie wrote:

A few famous assholes off the top of my head:

Don King
Alex Jones
Ted Nugent


I reserve the C-word for special types such as Mick Hucknall, and Madonna.

While I think the word 'Prick' can legitimately be applied to people such as Perry Farrell, and Mickey Rourke.


If anyone can provide me with an apt description of Celine Dion I'll be grateful. At the moment I'm struggling to find the right word to describe her annoying, self-important, Messianic bullshit.

I'd go with bog donkey. Seems apt...

PJ_Soul

Someone eating hot food in your general.vicinity makes your face greasy?? Suggestion:buy a pack of those skin blotter sheets. They work great!

It IS inconsiderate for people to stink up public transit like that though. I hate it. And eating stuff like that in such close proximity to the person next to you... That part is really gross. Just chewing and slurping basically right in someone's ear. Gross. Although if someone was next to me doing that, I would say something - ask them to move, and even if they refused, they would at least get some feedback about their behaviour. I don't think people whondonstuff like that necessarily assholes... Thy just have a problem with thinking about how their actions affect others. That's a bad quality, but to be an asshole, I kind of think there needs to be some kind of maliscious intent or conscious knowledge that you're negatively affecting others but don't care. Most people who do stuff like that are less mean than that, and are simply ignorant (not that that makes inconsiderate behaviour any less annoying, but it definitely makes me feel less angry and less impatient). Of course yeah, some people are just nasty fuckin' assholes, and they can go fuck themselves. :P

dancepartner

Jerk. I think adding Jerk to the category would help. All of us can be a jerk at times but normally, we're not any grade-type ass!
And then, I don't like saying asshole. For annoyances, I mumble "them bastards or them sons-a-bitches". These phrases have a soothing effect, compliments of a friend who hails from the most harmless clan-type & save for these 2 phrases, never cusses. He uses them purely to bring the tempo of bad emotions down. And usually,it works!
But! Sometimes it doesn't so I'm then inclined to reach for something stronger and since I don't hail from a tempered clan-type, my favorite cuss word stems from the root word -- fuck. Fuck them, fuck it, fuck you, fuckers, fuckhead (had to add this one to the dictionary spellcheck!) Of course, I mustn't forget the must have: fuck me! :roll:

jumbojet

This thread reminded me that Seinfeld episode with Kramer running from the train to buy a gyro at a metro station.
I haven't been using public transport a lot lately, but in this case, the discomfort I'd receive would be immaterial compared to the pity I'd take for someone who eats in public transport. I don't know the conditions in US but public transport, especially metro provide the least sanitary and clean conditions, to my knowledge.
So if anyone is willing to eat in public transport, IMHO, s/he should have lost all sense for personal health.
Do not even go into the subject of the quality of food that could be found around metro. It might be tasty occasionally but making a habit of eating metro food doesn't sound much healthy, at all.

So my point is, you'd better consider the situation of the asshole. If s/he doesn't seem to care about her own self, you might not expect him/her to care about the people around.