Fucked it up with my girl

keyser_soze

So yep, made a complete balls of my relationship.

Everything was going fine but there was no sexual action. I mean we had sex maybe once a month if that. I understand a relationship slows down but I mean I'm 25 and a red blooded male! On top of that when we didn't have sex for a long period I felt I drifted apart from her in an intimate way. I didn't feel as close to her when we had a sex drought, we felt more like really, really good friends. And then I felt like some kinda pervert trying to co-erce a girl to have sex. also it wasn't just that we weren't having sex, I mean there was zero sexual contact. Not even a good kiss. And any kind of oral sex was off the table cos she hates it. At any rate the other areas of our relationship were tops. Hanging out had a great time, never really argued, enjoyed the same stuff and whatnot.

However, the lack of sex was immensely frustrating and i felt isolated and unloved in spite of the fact that she was great to me in every other aspect of the relationship. Completely idiotically and foolishly I began texting flirty messages with some girl I know. These messages were pretty tame but also completely inappropriate. I'm not trying to excuse my behaviour, I know it was totally wrong, but I just wanted to put my behaviour into context. At any rate, my girl saw the messages, freaked, kicked me out and now we're taking a break.

I'm just venting here people but if you feel you wanna respond and call me an idiot, go for it. I already know I am one.

BinauralJam

sex is important

justam

In my opinion, you both messed up by underestimating the importance of keeping your sexual relationship in good health. Once that goes, I think a couple is doomed.

Maybe you can talk to her about how that contributed to the problem?

keyser_soze

justam wrote:

In my opinion, you both messed up by underestimating the importance of keeping your sexual relationship in good health. Once that goes, I think a couple is doomed.

Maybe you can talk to her about how that contributed to the problem?

you're probably right. At the moment I'm giving her some space as she understandably feels quite betrayed.

At some stage soon I'll try to talk to her about how the sex issue contributed to what happened. I just don't want it to sound like I'm blaming her for what happened. Obviously I chose to send those messages and as such I'm responsible for that. I have to find a way to get accross to her that I felt there was an "alienation of affection". I have to find a way to broach the topic without assigning blame to her. That will only lead to a fight.

arq

Believe me you're better off without her, obviously sex is not everything in a meaningful relationship but i IT IS part of it. Imagine that you married her, then suddenly she would have tons of sex with you? that's not going to happen no matter what. she have some unsolved issues and you're paying for it...

Lizard

maybe you are really not compatible.

81

time to move on

he still stands

I don't even know what the point of having a relationship would be... if it didn't involve uninhibited sexual debauchery 4 to 23 times per week.

^^^ probably the reason I'm single.

Break The Sky

You're not an idiot, and beating yourself up over it isn't going to help. Some people need sex and some people don't. When two people on different sides of the sex spectrum meet, it usually makes for a pretty lousy relationship, no matter how much else they have in common. I think you should try apologizing, but not for the sake of getting back together. Unless you think this girl is your soulmate, which I don't seem to think you do, I would apologize for posterity and try to move on. Breaking up sucks but it gets much easier after a week or so.

Hope the absolute best for you.

mca47

You should have been telling her your thoughts prior to it coming to this. Or maybe been a little clearer on your thoughts...
Either way, it sounds like you need to find yourself another girl. Sex is important, and when it becomes a problem the relationship has a hard time coming back from it.

Do you know if your girl was ever more sexually involved with other guys before you?
it's possible she may have a disorder such as HSDD (hypoactive sexual desire disorder). It effects approximately 30% of woman. Basically, these woman who have is disorder can have sex, have orgasms, but they have absolutely no desire to actually do it. With many, they have absolutely no interest in sex, never think about it, and often do it out of obligation.
It's a real disease that is only really been studied for a short period of time. My company was working on a drug for it (went to the FDA).

Anyways, separating sucks, but I think its better for both of you.

Kilgore_Trout

BinauralJam wrote:

sex is important

^^^^^^^^^

why be in a relationship if its not completely fulfilling? sexual desires are just as valid as emotional needs... unless you fancy lil kids or necrophilia...

cheaters aren't bad people... its just a tell tale sign you're not meant to be with the person you're cheating on... in retrospect, i see that in a few of my past relationships... not that i'm a chronic cheater or anything :?

even if you express to her that sex is important/necessary to you and she's willing to take you back, she'd still probably be phoning it in just to keep you happy... if it was gonna happen it would've happened naturally

you're too young to be making sacrifices in that department

Kilgore_Trout

mca47 wrote:

My company was working on a drug for it (went to the FDA).

a drug that makes women as horny as men?! hurry up and get it out there!

Rygar

Most of these posts are great.

Plus she said she hates oral...hell that's good enough reason to move on right there!

Good luck!

dcfaithful

I'm sorry to hear of this pal. As everyone else has said, sex is important. You probably could've voiced your feelings a little clearer, but I understand how you felt with trying to instigate some sexual activity.

I'm really sorry to hear of a loss that is obviously affecting you to some degree, but maybe the break will make both of you see the errors in time and hopefully you can reconcile. Everyone deserves to be given the appropriate amount of sexual attention from their significant others, all I can say is next time try communicating before making the decision to find attention elsewhere.

I, as well as others here hope that the very best comes to you in this situation.

On a lighter note, now might be a good time to reflect on the many reasons why you were born with hands....

Green Circle

WOW..
I am going to go out on a limb here...yeah..you did some flirting...FLIRTING!!! Unless you are not being honest and you did stuff, I really see nothing wrong here.

I am a tremendous flirt, my wife new that going into the relationship and marriage. Sure is it nice to see, no but my wife is secure enough to know I will ALWAYS be going home with her.

You need to talk this out with her..YES Sex is important if you have to beg for it, coerce her into doing it, there is something more wrong there, and that needs to get fixed.

Kilgore_Trout

dcfaithful wrote:

On a lighter note, now might be a good time to reflect on the many reasons why you were born with hands....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=krSe4Y6Zro0

always cheers me up

dcfaithful

This leads me to ask everyone's opinion: How many times a week should we expect sex from a significant other (one we're obviously sexually involved with)? What is a fair quota for both parties?

3 days out of 7?
4 days out of 7?

8.25 days out of 7? :twisted:

Putting something on that makes it feel like a job to be done... but spontaneous sex isn't everyone's #1 relationship strength.

I've heard of the excuse: "There just isn't enough time."

Sorry, but people should make time for sexual intimacy with one another. Unless of course you're out for a one-night stand in which case you've got your whole night open.

Green Circle

dcfaithful wrote:

This leads me to ask everyone's opinion: How many times a week should we expect sex from a significant other (one we're obviously sexually involved with)? What is a fair quota for both parties?

3 days out of 7?
4 days out of 7?

8.25 days out of 7? :twisted:

Putting something on that makes it feel like a job to be done... but spontaneous sex isn't everyone's #1 relationship strength.

tough call...should be mutually agreed upon. My wife is a HUGE TV watcher..I am in bed at 9:30/10
We usually do it on the weekends and that's it...

P.S.

No oral for me either..however I get to give it... :think:

Break The Sky

dcfaithful wrote:

This leads me to ask everyone's opinion: How many times a week should we expect sex from a significant other (one we're obviously sexually involved with)? What is a fair quota for both parties?

3 days out of 7?
4 days out of 7?

8.25 days out of 7? :twisted:

Putting something on that makes it feel like a job to be done... but spontaneous sex isn't everyone's #1 relationship strength.

Well, that's the thing, is not everyone needs sex. I can pretty much do without it. It's just that if you're someone who needs sex and you're with someone who doesn't need it, it's probably going to make for a short relationship.

dcfaithful

Boo Boo wrote:

dcfaithful wrote:

This leads me to ask everyone's opinion: How many times a week should we expect sex from a significant other (one we're obviously sexually involved with)? What is a fair quota for both parties?

3 days out of 7?
4 days out of 7?

8.25 days out of 7? :twisted:

Putting something on that makes it feel like a job to be done... but spontaneous sex isn't everyone's #1 relationship strength.

tough call...should be mutually agreed upon. My wife is a HUGE TV watcher..I am in bed at 9:30/10
We usually do it on the weekends and that's it...

P.S.

No oral for me either..however I get to give it... :think:

Pardon me for prying, but for the sake of the dicussion I am just curious: Who normally initiates the coitus?

For the record, if the same question was asked to me, here is my answer: dcfaithful.

dcfaithful

Big Drop wrote:

dcfaithful wrote:

This leads me to ask everyone's opinion: How many times a week should we expect sex from a significant other (one we're obviously sexually involved with)? What is a fair quota for both parties?

3 days out of 7?
4 days out of 7?

8.25 days out of 7? :twisted:

Putting something on that makes it feel like a job to be done... but spontaneous sex isn't everyone's #1 relationship strength.

Well, that's the thing, is not everyone needs sex. I can pretty much do without it. It's just that if you're someone who needs sex and you're with someone who doesn't need it, it's probably going to make for a short relationship.

Very true. People might be better off with those that have similar sex needs.

But, I think sometimes people are viewed in a bad light for having a higher sex drive or a higher demand for sex, which is unfortunate. The poor bastards.

Doesn't mean they're pervs..

Kilgore_Trout

dcfaithful wrote:

What is a fair quota for both parties?

i think 4 or 5 times a week average... you can get that done in a weekend if you're really trying

rough deal, boo boo... i feel like most women are more sympathetic of our work down there... or they're just self-conscious... but kudos for being such a selfless lover

Green Circle

on the initiating....
In the mornings: Boo boo always!

evening hours: Mrs Boo boo

gimmesometruth27

keyser_soze wrote:

So yep, made a complete balls of my relationship.

Everything was going fine but there was no sexual action. I mean we had sex maybe once a month if that. I understand a relationship slows down but I mean I'm 25 and a red blooded male! On top of that when we didn't have sex for a long period I felt I drifted apart from her in an intimate way. I didn't feel as close to her when we had a sex drought, we felt more like really, really good friends. And then I felt like some kinda pervert trying to co-erce a girl to have sex. also it wasn't just that we weren't having sex, I mean there was zero sexual contact. Not even a good kiss. And any kind of oral sex was off the table cos she hates it. At any rate the other areas of our relationship were tops. Hanging out had a great time, never really argued, enjoyed the same stuff and whatnot.

However, the lack of sex was immensely frustrating and i felt isolated and unloved in spite of the fact that she was great to me in every other aspect of the relationship. Completely idiotically and foolishly I began texting flirty messages with some girl I know. These messages were pretty tame but also completely inappropriate. I'm not trying to excuse my behaviour, I know it was totally wrong, but I just wanted to put my behaviour into context. At any rate, my girl saw the messages, freaked, kicked me out and now we're taking a break.

I'm just venting here people but if you feel you wanna respond and call me an idiot, go for it. I already know I am one.

dude, i am sorry to hear about this. i will tell you though, that lack of intimacy is a sign of there being a HUGE problem in your relationship. a former glrl and i went through that sort of thing. she withdrew completely and wanted nothing physical like that. i got angry and frustrated and all just like you did but i never strayed or anything. i needed that emotional and physical expression of intimacy and love. it turns out she was cheating on me the entire length of the relationship. for over a year.

sex and even just physical contact and feeling intimate are very important parts of a relationship. relationships are just as much emotional as they are physical. if one or both areas are lacking then it is doomed to fail. i am not saying your g/f was cheating on you or anything, but if she was withdrawing from you then i am fairly certain that if she was not cheating she was definitely interested in or digging someone else. and also, if a man is not getting love and sex from his partner they are guaranteed to stray just like you did with your texts to your friend. but then again the same goes for women. i hope that the break will do the two of you some good and maybe help you clarify things and either work it out or split, because what you had isn't right and it isn't how it should be in a healthy loving relationship.

dcfaithful

Kilgore_Trout wrote:

dcfaithful wrote:

What is a fair quota for both parties?

i think 4 or 5 times a week average... you can get that done in a weekend if you're really trying

rough deal, boo boo... i feel like most women are more sympathetic of our work down there... or they're just self-conscious... but kudos for being such a selfless lover

4-5 times seems fair. But planning sex could usually result in a negative feeling towards doing the act I guess...

Sex shouldn't be this complicated. Can't people jsut fuck and be happy?

BinauralJam

3 to 4 times a week is my average. but i've been married for like a thousand years.

Kilgore_Trout

gimmesometruth27 wrote:

if she was not cheating she was definitely interested in or digging someone else.

you sure know how to put a grieving guys mind at ease... don't go into therapy

Green Circle

dcfaithful wrote:

Kilgore_Trout wrote:

dcfaithful wrote:

What is a fair quota for both parties?

i think 4 or 5 times a week average... you can get that done in a weekend if you're really trying

rough deal, boo boo... i feel like most women are more sympathetic of our work down there... or they're just self-conscious... but kudos for being such a selfless lover

But planning sex could usually result in a negative feeling towards doing the act I guess...

LOL..maybe at first...she'll come around if you're doing it right

Kilgore_Trout

dcfaithful wrote:

Kilgore_Trout wrote:

dcfaithful wrote:

What is a fair quota for both parties?

i think 4 or 5 times a week average... you can get that done in a weekend if you're really trying

rough deal, boo boo... i feel like most women are more sympathetic of our work down there... or they're just self-conscious... but kudos for being such a selfless lover

4-5 times seems fair. But planning sex could usually result in a negative feeling towards doing the act I guess...

Sex shouldn't be this complicated. Can't people jsut fuck and be happy?

OH you were talking about planned sessions? i don't know in that case... guess that's never been necessary

but yeah, i definitely wouldn't work around some sort of schedule

just say all the right things and kiss the neck... and get drunk together often... solved

81

this thread needs to be ziggified

Break The Sky

dcfaithful wrote:

Big Drop wrote:

dcfaithful wrote:

This leads me to ask everyone's opinion: How many times a week should we expect sex from a significant other (one we're obviously sexually involved with)? What is a fair quota for both parties?

3 days out of 7?
4 days out of 7?

8.25 days out of 7? :twisted:

Putting something on that makes it feel like a job to be done... but spontaneous sex isn't everyone's #1 relationship strength.

Well, that's the thing, is not everyone needs sex. I can pretty much do without it. It's just that if you're someone who needs sex and you're with someone who doesn't need it, it's probably going to make for a short relationship.

Very true. People might be better off with those that have similar sex needs.

But, I think sometimes people are viewed in a bad light for having a higher sex drive or a higher demand for sex, which is unfortunate. The poor bastards.

Doesn't mean they're pervs..

I completely agree. The only problem is, the topic of sex doesn't usually come up until a couple has been dating for a while. There's still this stigmata that surrounds sex. It's not like on a first date you're going to ask, "Are you comfortable with having sex five nights a week?" I'm not saying its a good idea to sleep around or be a whore, I'm just saying that even just talking about sex is socially frowned upon. If more people talked about sex early on in their relationships, problems and heartache like this wouldn't happen as often. I try to talk about sex early on in every relationship and most girls get freaked out about it like I'm some sort of sex addict. The fact of the matter is I'm quite the contrary.

I wish people could get past the superficial. I don't care about your favorite color, I care about the important things that surround our potential relationship. I dunno. I guess it's just me, but I wish more people would think like this. :roll: