"If I Hadn't Found Jesus..." From the Onion
arq
Posts: 8,049
http://www.theonion.com/articles/if-i-h ... bile=false
Gotta love the Onion...
If I Hadn't Found Jesus, I'd Feel Pretty Shitty About My Crimes
The first few months behind bars were the worst of my life. Every night I'd stare into the darkness, waiting for the nightmares, waiting to hear those horrible screams all over again. Even here behind these thick penitentiary walls, there was no hiding from what I'd done to that poor family.
Then, one night, it happened: I lay alone in my cell, my only companion the visions of wickedness that filled my head. Suddenly, there was a light, and somehow the light spoke to me. It was the voice of Jesus Christ. He told me he had died for the sins of mankind and all could find peace through his salvation. Was I ready to repent?
Uh, let me think about that for a sec. Yup!
It was a stroke of unbelievable luck. Here I thought I'd spend the rest of my life agonizing over that night I broke into a random house and methodically tortured all five of its residents, but Jesus was like, "Nah, you're good." He took all those years I expected to wallow in suffocating guilt for having forced a mother to choose the order in which I strangled her children and wiped them away in a jiff.
Which is ironic because the family I murdered in cold blood was praying to Jesus like crazy the whole time.
If it weren't for the Savior, I'd still be living with a horribly tormented conscience like some chump. I used to think that maybe, just maybe, I could ease some of the unrelenting pain after a lifetime of good works and contrition. But once God's grace washed over me—and that took, what, maybe 15 minutes at most?—I knew I was in the clear.
Bing, bang, boom. Salvation.
I mean, it's too bad I'll never get back those days I squandered on unbearable guilt, but Jesus bailed me out big time, so I'm not going to complain. No sense in living in the past. The man who took five innocent lives in brutal fashion and made himself a glass of chocolate milk afterward might as well be a totally different person. I walk in the Lord now.
And man, is it great! All those remorse pounds I lost came right back with my renewed appetite, and I'm sleeping better than ever. Sure, every once in a while, my dreams are interrupted by the image of that 6-year-old with a broken neck pointing at me, but that's why I keep ol' 1 John 1:9 taped to my ceiling: "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." Pretty straightforward, right? And it's not like that kid isn't in heaven right now, bathing in His loving light and everything.
See, God's looking out for both of us.
I now know the power of forgiveness, because it was hand-delivered to me by the highest authority in the universe. It'd be nice if the friends and relatives of the Robinson family forgave me too, but you know what? That's between them and God. All I can do is forgive them for having judged me. If they harden their hearts and turn away from His love—well, I can only pity them, really.
It's a shame not everyone can move on from that horrible night, with its choked sobs, desperate pleas for mercy, and senseless bloody killings. But thankfully, I have.
Jesus has led me to a new path. I don't know what lies ahead, exactly, but now that I'm not so sad all the dang time, I've thought about maybe trying to learn a foreign language. I'm leaning toward Japanese, even though I hear it's pretty hard. The grammar's supposed to be tricky, and there are all those weird characters you have to learn, too.
Of course, the laws of man will keep me physically behind bars for the rest of my life. But my soul has been set free by the Lord and by the sacrifice of His only son. Despite all my earthly sins, He has redeemed me. He always does.
Had I known that sooner, I would've killed way more people.
Gotta love the Onion...
"The good thing about science is that it's true whether or not you believe in it"
Neil deGrasse Tyson
Why not (V) (°,,,,°) (V) ?
Neil deGrasse Tyson
Why not (V) (°,,,,°) (V) ?
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Our government is the potent, the omnipresent teacher. For good or for ill, it teaches the whole people by its example. Crime is contagious. If the government becomes a law-breaker, it breeds contempt for law; it invites every man to become a law unto himself; it invites anarchy. - Louis Brandeis
~Cincinnati, US Bank Arena - June 24, 2006~
~Chicago, United Center - Aug. 24, 2009~
~Columbus, Nationwide Arena - May 6, 2010~
~PJ20, Troy, WI, Alpine Valley - Sept. 3, 2011~
~PJ20, Troy, WI, Alpine Valley - Sept. 4, 2011~
The regular news in LA reads like the Onion so they didn't have an audience.
"Well, you tell him that I don't talk to suckas."
Neil deGrasse Tyson
Why not (V) (°,,,,°) (V) ?
Well, the Onion is real news, but most of the stories are about backwoods people in the midwest, so we lost interest out here.
Its so true, God never shows up for them does he...
..but if you wanna wash away your sins,
Nicely done!!!!!
Fargo 2003
Winnipeg 2005
Winnipeg 2011
St. Paul 2014
:shock:
no thats how it work in the christian faith. the big clause. get out of jail free.
how do the preists overcome the guilt when they sodomize little boys.
only thing is you actually have to be sorry
want to be enlightened"
And i don't exactly get what we are twisting... Do people not repent?
Praise!
I guess forgiveness is really a bad thing, huh? Why would it make anyone mad that someone's conscience wasn't bothering them anymore? They could get there without "finding Jesus". It makes no difference to your life so why worry about it?
I guess some people think it's much better to wish bad things on people and hope they suffer, but I don't think that's healthy no matter who it is or what they did. Revenge is never a good thing.
...are those who've helped us.
Right 'round the corner could be bigger than ourselves.
Its just a joke (a very dark one and very close to reality but...) don't take it too seriously :(
Neil deGrasse Tyson
Why not (V) (°,,,,°) (V) ?
Oh really? I thought it was real :roll:
My comment was not a joke, though, and comes from observation of more than just this one thread.
...are those who've helped us.
Right 'round the corner could be bigger than ourselves.
Bing, bang, boom. Salvation.
i forgive you.
oooh the onion. how i love thee. :thumbup:
You must know by now that as soon as anything "religious" shows up it will receive these kind of replys, that's why you have to take it less serious, lighten up
Neil deGrasse Tyson
Why not (V) (°,,,,°) (V) ?
This link is to one of my favorite bits that mocks Bret Favre by doing a story on a Packer's fan who announces he will put off retirement and be back for one more year of drinking.
http://www.theonion.com/video/packers-fan-announces-he-will-return-to-drinking-f,14397/
I understand that, but I chose to ignore the religious aspect to a large extent and asked a question about fogiveness. Why is forgiveness a bad thing....whether it comes from religion or not?
...are those who've helped us.
Right 'round the corner could be bigger than ourselves.
I mean, you can do all the shit you want if you know you can just ask for forgiveness later and some priest will forgive you.
We used to have this neighbour that would abuse her kid verbally and physically. She'd lock him outside in the cold and rain - but it was okay cause she would go to church every week and ask God for forgiveness.
You are misguided. One can speak words asking for forgiveness. God knows what is truly in your heart.
Did you and your family do something to help the child who was being abused??
want to be enlightened"
The article's a joke but I think it also shows how some people take advantage of 'forgiveness'.
I mean, you can do all the shit you want if you know you can just ask for forgiveness later and some priest will forgive you.
We used to have this neighbour that would abuse her kid verbally and physically. She'd lock him outside in the cold and rain - but it was okay cause she would go to church every week and ask God for forgiveness.[/quote]
You are misguided. One can speak words asking for forgiveness. God knows what is truly in your heart.
Did you and your family do something to help the child who was being abused??[/quote]
Does one who feels forgiveness, simply because he/she asks for it, really learn anything?
If all people have to do is simply ask for forgiveness, what sort of deterrent is that to committing the same acts in the future?
But here's my question again: What does it matter to YOU whether the person actually regrets what they did or not? It makes no difference to YOU, so why would it bother YOU?
Forgiveness is not a bad thing. Wishing negative consequences on someone - even if they did you harm - is a bad thing.
...are those who've helped us.
Right 'round the corner could be bigger than ourselves.
I mean, you can do all the shit you want if you know you can just ask for forgiveness later and some priest will forgive you.
We used to have this neighbour that would abuse her kid verbally and physically. She'd lock him outside in the cold and rain - but it was okay cause she would go to church every week and ask God for forgiveness.[/quote]
You are misguided. One can speak words asking for forgiveness. God knows what is truly in your heart.
Did you and your family do something to help the child who was being abused??[/quote]
Does one who feels forgiveness, simply because he/she asks for it, really learn anything?
If all people have to do is simply ask for forgiveness, what sort of deterrent is that to committing the same acts in the future?[/quote]
If someone punches someone in the nose, then says I'm sorry, will you forgive me? Then laughs and punches the person in the nose again, did they really mean they were sorry?
No. They never really meant they were sorry. If they did mean they were sorry, they would have done anything possible to try not to punch the person in the nose again. They would have felt what they had done was wrong and realized how they were wrong for doing it.
God knows what's in someone's heart.
want to be enlightened"
This is outstanding!
They moved shortly after.
And P.S., you don't know anything about me, so don't pretend to think you do.
Just because people don't believe in your religion, don't preach that they're misguided.
proof that going to church doesn't necessarily make you a christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
so corny but funny, must be a sunny friday afternoon, yep.
i don't know why i LOL'd at that... not saying it wasn't deep and intuitive of course